top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]gizzardgullet 24.3k points24.3k points  (665 children)

This can't be bad for the reputation.

[–]poopiks17 13.5k points13.5k points  (544 children)

Lol, Toby lost because he's got a fairly large penis. What a loser.

[–]_Mayor_McCheese_ 4257 points4258 points  (428 children)

There was a guy on my high school football team with a notoriously huge penis. His nickname was Pringles can. Anyway there was another guy who would yell out "oh my God, put that thing AWAY!!" every time this kid would change. I've never seen someone be more ashamed of their own penis in my entire life. He'd get dressed super fast and practically run out of the locker room so no one would "bully" him for his gigantic dong.

[–]deesmutts88 3145 points3146 points  (183 children)

I think it’s a grass is always greener situation. I have a mate who’s been unable to fuck several chicks that he’s taken home. Just straight up wouldn’t go in. I think that’d be worse than just falling in like I do.

[–]tickettoride98 2890 points2891 points  (39 children)

I think that’d be worse than just falling in like I do.

Ah, so you're the fella who slipped and fell into my wife.

[–]zombierobotvampire 1530 points1531 points  (26 children)

Plot twist, brother... We all are.

[–]Turdle_Muffins 1212 points1213 points  (19 children)

He can lead a horse to water, but his wife's still a whore. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[–]WonderlandsBastard 193 points194 points  (7 children)

I laughed at this. I'm going to start far more statements with "you can lead a horse to water, ect" Thanks for the new saying stranger

[–]Turdle_Muffins 65 points66 points  (0 children)

It's all good, I hope you have a wonderful evening.

[–]TrollinTrolls 74 points75 points  (3 children)

I led her to my penis... and then we had a really nice time. Played some cribbage and drank some wine, it was relaxing.

[–]Turdle_Muffins 89 points90 points  (0 children)

Dude, if you played cribbage on your penis then you've seriously gotta tone down your piercing game.

[–]Asirr 427 points428 points  (61 children)

Honestly these guys have it tough. I knew one guy who was literally hung like a horse, and he told me that the majority of the time when he was changing in the locker room the other men would be more sorry of him then jealous.

Last I heard hes still technically a virgin but not for lacking of trying.

[–]SpiritFingersKitty 313 points314 points  (40 children)

Porn. This is when you go into porn

[–]winter_mutant 185 points186 points  (39 children)

Porn is supposedly really really hard for guys. Because they have to be able to cum on queue cue, stay hard for 30+ minutes, etc.

[–]need_cake 76 points77 points  (10 children)

A lot of male porn actors take Cialis and other similar things to be able to get hard on command and stay hard longer. It’s one of the reasons why many of them have really red/rosy cheeks.

[–]MidwestDrummer 114 points115 points  (2 children)


EDIT: Unless you meant on [a] queue [of chicks].

[–]kameri_sim 62 points63 points  (1 child)

No no, he means that they have to make a queue and wait for their turn to cum

[–]SpiritFingersKitty 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I think I've seen that one already

[–]lafolieisgood 64 points65 points  (3 children)

The kid in my school with the huge dong wasn't someone who would attract girls. He finally got a girlfriend and the first time she saw his penis she flat out refused to even attempt it

[–]ThatLexxyFellow 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Yeah, I had a girlfriend like that. Absolutely fine with getting frisky but when it came down to actually attempting sex, she'd always call it off for some random reason - eventually admitted that she wasn't sure she wanted her first time to 'hurt that much'. Flattering, still made me feel like shit though.

[–]ericdared3 32 points33 points  (1 child)

It's better to have them pulling you in harder for more than pushing you away for to much...at least that's what I tell my wife.

[–]Fluctu8 148 points149 points  (18 children)

Are we talking the girth of old-school hand-width pringles cans, or the new thinner ones?

[–]_Mayor_McCheese_ 170 points171 points  (9 children)

Old school for sure. They hadn't slimmed the cans down at this point in time. I'm sure he's upset they did that. Makes the nickname not nearly as impressive.

[–]Yourcatsonfire 262 points263 points  (6 children)

Or the woman takes him home thinking she can handle a Pringles can. Then she pulls his pants down and sees old school Pringles and Nopes the fuck out of there.

[–]brunq2 496 points497 points  (105 children)

I can understand that... I got the same treatment on the wrestling team in highschool. They gave me the nickname moose as well. Then one day my mother (who ran the concession stands at home matches) heard and SHE called me moose. In front of everyone. Without knowing why. Having to explain to my mother why i didn't want her using my nickname because it is a penis reference was the most embarrassing thing to happen to 16 year old me, and that year a kid I was wrestling against popped a boner during the match

[–]SMELLSLIKESHITCOTDAM 459 points460 points  (42 children)

There was a kid on my wrestling team that popped a boner every match. Every. Single. Match. He was at our school because he'd gotten teased and tormented so much at his last school for getting a hard on every single match. Then at a meet my junior year it happened: he was wrestling a kid and went about his usual boner raising, only this time it was different---the kid he was wrestling also laid down the erector set. We had a full on sword fight on our hands. Bearing witness to this was by far the most uncomfortable situation of my entire high school wrestling career.

[–]Zayin-Ba-Ayin 74 points75 points  (3 children)

So he'd just change school untill he found one with the appropriate boner policy?

[–]milkand24601 30 points31 points  (1 child)

I used to play bass for Appropriate Boner Policy

[–]burf 20 points21 points  (0 children)

At least you got an amazing story out of it. Also, I would definitely quit wrestling if I sprung dong every single match.

[–]brunq2 95 points96 points  (5 children)

I feel so bad for that kid. I'd have probably quit if that were the case for me. Like... fuck trying to make states if I gotta go through that.

[–]panaja17 185 points186 points  (13 children)

You mean you didn't pop one in kind and turn your wrestling match into a foil vs. épée fencing bout?

*fixed accents

[–]ec20 32 points33 points  (11 children)

haaha everyone school has their own big penis mascot. For us we'd call guys like that a "Shetland Pony"

[–]Finrod_the_awesome 230 points231 points  (4 children)

Similar story here. One of the smallest guys on our team. He was a sophomore and looked like an anemic elementary school kid. This dude was swinging a hammer between his legs. I didnt say anything to him. Shit, I was too jealous. Some of the guys tried to do him a solid and made sure all the girls knew. He too was self conscious about it too. I'm pretty sure I'd never even wear a towel. I'd get dressed outside and charge admission.

I look back on it now and can totally understand why it would be creepy to have a bunch of guys talking about your junk all the time.

[–]Envisioneer 71 points72 points  (28 children)

What year did you graduate? We had a guy just like that and called him Pringles Can..

[–]_Mayor_McCheese_ 73 points74 points  (27 children)

2005! Smallish Texas town.

[–]Envisioneer 72 points73 points  (22 children)

Oh wow.. 2006, small IL town.

[–]_Mayor_McCheese_ 241 points242 points  (11 children)

Apparently there's one of these bastards in every town...

[–]Envisioneer 205 points206 points  (4 children)

“Small Town Big Can” dibs on new country song!

Edit: I learned to spell in a small town.

[–]JunkyMonkeyTwo 147 points148 points  (4 children)

Plot Twist: Pringles Can moved from Texas to IL from 2005 to 2006 to escape the bullying.

[–]Envisioneer 86 points87 points  (3 children)

All he ever wanted was to be the center, but the QBs could never get get the ball.

[–]no40sinfl 102 points103 points  (5 children)

In the army during the first basic training shower a dude was going around telling everyone good job until he got to one dude and was like "eww it looks like a hotdog in a sock, gross."

[–]joe4553 122 points123 points  (22 children)

What a tragedy, i'm sure the girls always teased him before they sucked his dick.

[–]PillsburyBitchBoy 99 points100 points  (8 children)

As someone who sucks dick, let me tell you that at some point it goes from big to fear inducing and unmanageable

[–]sjmiv 46 points47 points  (6 children)

It's hard to get your dick sucked if your junk can't get past her teeth.

[–]W0ND3RW0M4N 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Maybe, but I'm sure he could shut them up real quick.

[–]VoidWaIker 37 points38 points  (3 children)

You don’t know how big it was, sometimes it literally is too big.

[–]sarah-xxx 1797 points1798 points  (87 children)

"I can tell you I'll never have that issue!"

[–][deleted]  (51 children)


    [–]xanatos451 302 points303 points  (45 children)

    Jefe, what is a plethora?

    [–]TheonsPrideinaBox 221 points222 points  (36 children)

    Why, El Guapo?

    [–]xanatos451 171 points172 points  (16 children)

    Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.

    [–]goosebyrd 159 points160 points  (12 children)

    Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?

    [–]PumpActionBronson 50 points51 points  (8 children)

    My god, is this from Three Amigos?!

    [–]KoalaTeaGuaranteed 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    Can I have your watch when you are dead?

    [–]Dairy_Duke 123 points124 points  (6 children)

    "Hey, what are you gonna do with that big dick? Make a girl cum?"

    [–]powerparticle 69 points70 points  (3 children)

    cum bleed

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)


      [–]briannasaurusrex92 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      "she will exude bodily fluids of some type"

      [–]Bombingofdresden 1358 points1359 points  (68 children)

      I just hope it made the same sound as those spring doorstoppers.

      Edit: Thank you, /u/mr_hellmonkey https://reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7j4j2l/_/dr3w855/?context=1

      [–]mr_hellmonkey 826 points827 points  (43 children)

      [–]TheRealBigLou 209 points210 points  (0 children)

      Oh god, that was as stupid as I thought it would be, and I love it!

      [–]Bombingofdresden 102 points103 points  (5 children)

      Holy shit. I love you. Thank you for this.

      [–][deleted] 63 points64 points  (4 children)

      The anticipation is what makes it.

      [–]GoatsWillEatAnything 41 points42 points  (3 children)

      Ya. The whole time I was stressing thinking my sound was off!

      [–]coppertech 21 points22 points  (17 children)

      needs the 2001 A Space Odyssey intro... starting about here

      [–]uselesstriviadude 182 points183 points  (16 children)

      I'm sorry

      [–]Wowwzy 61 points62 points  (0 children)

      can you believe that that guy made a video almost 7 years ago thinking "one day someone will use this. I don't know who, why or how, but it will happen one day".

      [–]nahzoo 44 points45 points  (6 children)


      [–]Derpmang 66 points67 points  (4 children)

      [–]Tysonviolin 42 points43 points  (3 children)

      “My penis was is too big to be competitive” -pole vaulter

      [–]firfetir 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      That’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a while

      [–]Liesmith424 114 points115 points  (1 child)

      "Hey, nice dick, horsecock!"

      --Bullies at his high school

      [–]raistliniltsiar 143 points144 points  (10 children)

      His dick really raises the bar.

      [–]Omnipotent_Goose 159 points160 points  (6 children)

      He's definitely gonna have a swollen head after this.

      [–]mustnotthrowaway 244 points245 points  (9 children)

      One time I was at a hostel with some friends. Like most hostels it had been renovated many times and the layout — especially the bathroom — was far from ideal. To get into one of the bathrooms, you had to shimmy in sideways, turn and pull the door shut while your back was against the shower stall.

      I went into the bathroom once to shower, turned and pulled the door shut and it knocked against my package. I had to open the shower door to give myself just a little bit more room to successfully close the door.

      After the shower I proudly told all my friends that my penis was so big I was unable to shut to the bathroom door. They all just rolled their eyes. But still, for a few minutes I was the man.

      [–]Shinjifo 210 points211 points  (7 children)

      Or you know, you have a big ass (⌐■_■)

      [–]DastardlyHawk 31.0k points31.0k points  (181 children)

      "You know I could have been the pole vault world champion, but my penis is just too damn big"

      Edit: Oh wow, thanks for the gold, totally unexpected. Clearly I need to be making more penis jokes.

      [–]bggillmore 4804 points4805 points  (58 children)

      At least he had success in other forms of "pole vaulting"

      [–]Twichy717 1178 points1179 points  (42 children)

      He was never hit with that gay shit, if that's what you mean.

      [–]RpgDiagonal 619 points620 points  (23 children)

      One thing is certain. If he ever did turn gay, he'd leave a shitload of sore assholes in his wake.

      [–]podaudio 125 points126 points  (8 children)

      Yes, the water. those frogs. those poor gay frogs.

      [–]kungfumilhouse 593 points594 points  (19 children)

      Why even bother with the pole when you brought your own?

      [–]askthisscientician 236 points237 points  (0 children)

      Now that's a humblebrag

      [–]thewholedamnplanet 306 points307 points  (30 children)

      Yeah, but how do you causally slip that into conversation?

      Or into anything really.

      [–]otis_reading 407 points408 points  (10 children)

      "You know I could have been the pole vault world champion, but my penis is just too damn big"

      [–]starstarstar42 602 points603 points  (9 children)

      That's...that's nice, I guess? Ummm, your total is $3.48, please drive up to the 2nd window.

      [–]drphungky 92 points93 points  (1 child)

      "It's not that it's weird to say it at an Arby's, it's just that we all already know. You say it every day, Todd."

      [–]snypesalot 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      "Well you arent the only one with the meats, Arbys"

      [–]chadthundertalk 160 points161 points  (3 children)

      Oops, I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.

      [–]Quadip 28 points29 points  (0 children)

      As an ice breaker or if people are talking about sports/competitions they where in.

      [–]Monkitail 25 points26 points  (1 child)

      Accidentally mass email all your contacts the link, lol I meant to send that to my brother

      [–]Wonderboywonderings 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      "Or into anything really."

      With lube.

      [–]Holden_BokChoy 46 points47 points  (1 child)

      World's best pickup line.

      [–]CyclicRedundancyMach 930 points931 points  (16 children)

      He should switch to swimming. He would swim incredibly straight

      [–]2JMAN89 275 points276 points  (5 children)

      Straight to the bottom with an anchor like that

      [–]arbitrageME 119 points120 points  (3 children)

      built-in skeg. just make sure he doesn't swim with too shallow of a draft

      [–]No_big_whoop 10.1k points10.1k points  (87 children)

      I've been losing because of my penis my whole life

      [–]knightopusdei 5244 points5245 points  (31 children)


      [–]IRaceBarrels 425 points426 points  (16 children)


      [–]notthegoodscissors 91 points92 points  (11 children)

      'Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?' - Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!

      [–]nocontroll 4341 points4342 points  (36 children)

      If I lose at a solo sport because of my penis I'd be more proud of that than actually winning.

      [–]Roland_T_Flakfeizer 1165 points1166 points  (24 children)

      Somebody's never had a disappointing masturbation session.

      [–]AJ_Dali 43 points44 points  (1 child)

      What about from the other side. Somebody won because of that guy's penis.

      [–]springthetrap 40 points41 points  (0 children)

      I'd like to thank my parents, my teammates, my coach, but most of all I'd like to thank Tommy's penis, this wouldn't have been possible without him.

      [–]cronin98 64 points65 points  (2 children)

      Well unless the sport is a biggest penis contest.

      [–]TooShiftyForYou 3275 points3276 points  (31 children)

      Would be weirder if you lost because of someone else's penis.

      [–]Omnipotent_Goose 1973 points1974 points  (20 children)

      Like what happened to Kevin Spacey.

      [–]Static_Flier 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      Someone else won because of his penis

      [–]nobody_likes_soda 55 points56 points  (1 child)

      I'm sorry sir but you've just BEEN PENETRATED!! Thank you for playing. As always, we'll be back at the same time next week. Goodnight all."

      [–]Klin24 1406 points1407 points  (88 children)

      [–]WittyOriginalName 277 points278 points  (7 children)

      And that kids... is why you don't exist.

      [–]robbylp 94 points95 points  (0 children)

      wow never seen this one. definitely cringe worthy!

      [–]fairfieldbordercolli 44 points45 points  (2 children)

      I know EXACTLY what that link is gonna be and it's gonna stay blue.

      [–]-xhad 18 points19 points  (3 children)

      and at an official event so there is probably no undergarment on

      [–]TheGumping 668 points669 points  (8 children)

      His penis had terrible form.

      [–]misdirected_asshole 293 points294 points  (4 children)

      Shoulda tucked

      [–]MMantis 103 points104 points  (0 children)

      Hmmhhmm. He clearly don't watch RuPaul

      [–]Breakingindigo 36 points37 points  (0 children)

      If it didn't before, it certainly did after that.

      [–]rektdeckard 8116 points8117 points  (54 children)


      [–]oyster_jam 1336 points1337 points  (29 children)

      That's what happens when you get too cocky

      [–]pogoyoyo1 656 points657 points  (19 children)

      It’s ok, there’s still the schlong jump.

      [–]jeeb00 136 points137 points  (5 children)

      I don’t know, I’d say it takes balls to wear leotards like that in public.

      [–]Undercover_Chimp 121 points122 points  (4 children)

      Yeah, but he still got shafted.

      [–]Chuckle_Pants 78 points79 points  (3 children)

      No guarantee he’d have won anyway with such stiff competition.

      [–]waldo06 81 points82 points  (0 children)


      [–]Clenis 278 points279 points  (9 children)

      You can almost see his body go limp with defeat upon impact.

      [–]DctrAculaMD 159 points160 points  (6 children)

      Defeat... or pain? His junk took quite the impact.

      [–]fart_fig_newton 68 points69 points  (4 children)

      Eh, it's not like his nuts smacked off that pole... aaaaand now I'm trying to imagine the logistics of pain regarding another man's dick hitting a pole.

      [–]Heruactic 201 points202 points  (6 children)

      You could say he was "penalized"

      [–]_Nearmint 617 points618 points  (7 children)

      Best pick up line ever:

      "I failed to qualify for the Olympics, my dick was too huge."

      [–]Cluricaun 190 points191 points  (2 children)

      What was it like being on the Russian women's weightlifting team?

      [–]stupidwaterbottle 175 points176 points  (14 children)

      This probably happens a lot in pole vaulting.

      [–]huazap 159 points160 points  (3 children)

      it's in the name.

      [–]_eL_T_ 141 points142 points  (2 children)

      Yep. It's a common misconception that pole vaulting is about getting your whole body over the pole, but in fact, the only goal is to get your penis over the pole. This guy will not make the team.

      [–][deleted]  (4 children)


        [–]Destro89 290 points291 points  (9 children)

        Such a dick move

        [–]Redfury_x 67 points68 points  (1 child)

        That jiggle physics though

        [–]evohans 95 points96 points  (2 children)

        ha, i didn't have that problem when i pole vaulted in high school! ...ha :(

        [–]stevegreenery 185 points186 points  (16 children)

        4 years of pole vaulting here : this vaulter has great form. Steps counted out perfectly, inside leg blasts up to begin that crucial rock needed to transfer momentum to your legs/feet going vertical. Legs were too far apart though, and that HUGE DONG (Dr. Mantis Toboggan) knocking the crossbar.

        Edit: 4 Years eastern NC high school. 4th in state and 2nd in state junior and senior year respectively

        [–]Vrdka 23 points24 points  (3 children)

        Is it just me or did his quad hit the bar first?

        [–]WickStanker 30 points31 points  (0 children)

        The gif was fascinating actually. Watched for the magnum dong, stayed for the flying human.

        [–]NotThatCrafty 17 points18 points  (2 children)

        Pretty sure that's still winning

        [–]NothingElseBetter2do 47 points48 points  (0 children)

        Poor guy hit his head.

        [–]maloach 105 points106 points  (14 children)

        [–]LunarD3ATH 24 points25 points  (3 children)

        Yes, I was looking to see if someone else remembered this.

        [–]kakihara0513 26 points27 points  (1 child)

        I thought I was the only one who kept tabs on Olympic dicks

        [–]SnappyDogDays 20 points21 points  (1 child)

        The pole was already going down before his dick tapped it.

        [–]Sydneyfordays 40 points41 points  (2 children)

        In op it's legit just his dick, his whole body caught that but also his dick.

        [–]deathpov 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        What losing all i saw was a hard win.