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Imagine losing because of your penis

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This can't be bad for the reputation.

13.6k points · 6 months ago

Lol, Toby lost because he's got a fairly large penis. What a loser.

There was a guy on my high school football team with a notoriously huge penis. His nickname was Pringles can. Anyway there was another guy who would yell out "oh my God, put that thing AWAY!!" every time this kid would change. I've never seen someone be more ashamed of their own penis in my entire life. He'd get dressed super fast and practically run out of the locker room so no one would "bully" him for his gigantic dong.

I think it’s a grass is always greener situation. I have a mate who’s been unable to fuck several chicks that he’s taken home. Just straight up wouldn’t go in. I think that’d be worse than just falling in like I do.

I think that’d be worse than just falling in like I do.

Ah, so you're the fella who slipped and fell into my wife.

Plot twist, brother... We all are.

He can lead a horse to water, but his wife's still a whore. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I laughed at this. I'm going to start far more statements with "you can lead a horse to water, ect" Thanks for the new saying stranger

It's all good, I hope you have a wonderful evening.

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I led her to my penis... and then we had a really nice time. Played some cribbage and drank some wine, it was relaxing.

Dude, if you played cribbage on your penis then you've seriously gotta tone down your piercing game.

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428 points · 6 months ago

Honestly these guys have it tough. I knew one guy who was literally hung like a horse, and he told me that the majority of the time when he was changing in the locker room the other men would be more sorry of him then jealous.

Last I heard hes still technically a virgin but not for lacking of trying.

Porn. This is when you go into porn

182 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

Porn is supposedly really really hard for guys. Because they have to be able to cum on queue cue, stay hard for 30+ minutes, etc.

A lot of male porn actors take Cialis and other similar things to be able to get hard on command and stay hard longer. It’s one of the reasons why many of them have really red/rosy cheeks.

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*cue

EDIT: Unless you meant on [a] queue [of chicks].

No no, he means that they have to make a queue and wait for their turn to cum

I think I've seen that one already

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The kid in my school with the huge dong wasn't someone who would attract girls. He finally got a girlfriend and the first time she saw his penis she flat out refused to even attempt it

Yeah, I had a girlfriend like that. Absolutely fine with getting frisky but when it came down to actually attempting sex, she'd always call it off for some random reason - eventually admitted that she wasn't sure she wanted her first time to 'hurt that much'. Flattering, still made me feel like shit though.

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It's better to have them pulling you in harder for more than pushing you away for to much...at least that's what I tell my wife.

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147 points · 6 months ago

Are we talking the girth of old-school hand-width pringles cans, or the new thinner ones?

Old school for sure. They hadn't slimmed the cans down at this point in time. I'm sure he's upset they did that. Makes the nickname not nearly as impressive.

Or the woman takes him home thinking she can handle a Pringles can. Then she pulls his pants down and sees old school Pringles and Nopes the fuck out of there.

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500 points · 6 months ago

I can understand that... I got the same treatment on the wrestling team in highschool. They gave me the nickname moose as well. Then one day my mother (who ran the concession stands at home matches) heard and SHE called me moose. In front of everyone. Without knowing why. Having to explain to my mother why i didn't want her using my nickname because it is a penis reference was the most embarrassing thing to happen to 16 year old me, and that year a kid I was wrestling against popped a boner during the match

There was a kid on my wrestling team that popped a boner every match. Every. Single. Match. He was at our school because he'd gotten teased and tormented so much at his last school for getting a hard on every single match. Then at a meet my junior year it happened: he was wrestling a kid and went about his usual boner raising, only this time it was different---the kid he was wrestling also laid down the erector set. We had a full on sword fight on our hands. Bearing witness to this was by far the most uncomfortable situation of my entire high school wrestling career.

So he'd just change school untill he found one with the appropriate boner policy?

I used to play bass for Appropriate Boner Policy

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25 points · 6 months ago

At least you got an amazing story out of it. Also, I would definitely quit wrestling if I sprung dong every single match.

95 points · 6 months ago

I feel so bad for that kid. I'd have probably quit if that were the case for me. Like... fuck trying to make states if I gotta go through that.

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192 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

You mean you didn't pop one in kind and turn your wrestling match into a foil vs. épée fencing bout?

*fixed accents

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34 points · 6 months ago

haaha everyone school has their own big penis mascot. For us we'd call guys like that a "Shetland Pony"

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Similar story here. One of the smallest guys on our team. He was a sophomore and looked like an anemic elementary school kid. This dude was swinging a hammer between his legs. I didnt say anything to him. Shit, I was too jealous. Some of the guys tried to do him a solid and made sure all the girls knew. He too was self conscious about it too. I'm pretty sure I'd never even wear a towel. I'd get dressed outside and charge admission.

I look back on it now and can totally understand why it would be creepy to have a bunch of guys talking about your junk all the time.

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What year did you graduate? We had a guy just like that and called him Pringles Can..

2005! Smallish Texas town.

Oh wow.. 2006, small IL town.

Apparently there's one of these bastards in every town...

206 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

“Small Town Big Can” dibs on new country song!

Edit: I learned to spell in a small town.

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Plot Twist: Pringles Can moved from Texas to IL from 2005 to 2006 to escape the bullying.

All he ever wanted was to be the center, but the QBs could never get get the ball.

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107 points · 6 months ago

In the army during the first basic training shower a dude was going around telling everyone good job until he got to one dude and was like "eww it looks like a hotdog in a sock, gross."

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121 points · 6 months ago

What a tragedy, i'm sure the girls always teased him before they sucked his dick.

As someone who sucks dick, let me tell you that at some point it goes from big to fear inducing and unmanageable

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48 points · 6 months ago

It's hard to get your dick sucked if your junk can't get past her teeth.

So date grandmas.

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Maybe, but I'm sure he could shut them up real quick.

You don’t know how big it was, sometimes it literally is too big.

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1.8k points · 6 months ago

"I can tell you I'll never have that issue!"

Comment deleted6 months ago

Jefe, what is a plethora?

Why, El Guapo?

Well, you told me I have a plethora. And I just would like to know if you know what a plethora is. I would not like to think that a person would tell someone he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has no idea what it means to have a plethora.

164 points · 6 months ago

Forgive me, El Guapo. I know that I, Jefe, do not have your superior intellect and education. But could it be that once again, you are angry at something else, and are looking to take it out on me?

54 points · 6 months ago

EETS E SWETER!

“Ca-cawww!!! Look-over-here!!!”

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54 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

My god, is this from Three Amigos?!

I don't judge where your God comes from.

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Can I have your watch when you are dead?

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"Hey, what are you gonna do with that big dick? Make a girl cum?"

cum bleed

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"she will exude bodily fluids of some type"

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1.4k points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

I just hope it made the same sound as those spring doorstoppers.

Edit: Thank you, u/mr_hellmonkey https://reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7j4j2l/_/dr3w855/?context=1

Oh god, that was as stupid as I thought it would be, and I love it!

Holy shit. I love you. Thank you for this.

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65 points · 6 months ago

The anticipation is what makes it.

Ya. The whole time I was stressing thinking my sound was off!

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needs the 2001 A Space Odyssey intro... starting about here

That came out amazingly well. Thanks for the idea. https://streamable.com/i97il

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I'm sorry

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61 points · 6 months ago

can you believe that that guy made a video almost 7 years ago thinking "one day someone will use this. I don't know who, why or how, but it will happen one day".

36 points · 6 months ago

Mother of God.

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44 points · 6 months ago

boi-oi-oi-oi-oing

“My penis was is too big to be competitive” -pole vaulter

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That’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a while

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"Hey, nice dick, horsecock!"

--Bullies at his high school

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His dick really raises the bar.

63 points · 6 months ago

Actually it lowered the bar....

It actually walked into the bar

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He's definitely gonna have a swollen head after this.

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One time I was at a hostel with some friends. Like most hostels it had been renovated many times and the layout — especially the bathroom — was far from ideal. To get into one of the bathrooms, you had to shimmy in sideways, turn and pull the door shut while your back was against the shower stall.

I went into the bathroom once to shower, turned and pulled the door shut and it knocked against my package. I had to open the shower door to give myself just a little bit more room to successfully close the door.

After the shower I proudly told all my friends that my penis was so big I was unable to shut to the bathroom door. They all just rolled their eyes. But still, for a few minutes I was the man.

214 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

Or you know, you have a big ass (⌐■_■)

rekt

erekt

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31.1k points · 6 months agoGilded1 · edited 6 months ago

"You know I could have been the pole vault world champion, but my penis is just too damn big"

Edit: Oh wow, thanks for the gold, totally unexpected. Clearly I need to be making more penis jokes.

4.8k points · 6 months ago

At least he had success in other forms of "pole vaulting"

1.2k points · 6 months ago

He was never hit with that gay shit, if that's what you mean.

622 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

One thing is certain. If he ever did turn gay, he'd leave a shitload of sore assholes in his wake.

369 points · 6 months ago

Yeah, they'd be pretty butthurt.

Anal

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123 points · 6 months ago

Yes, the water. those frogs. those poor gay frogs.

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Why even bother with the pole when you brought your own?

It was kind of a dick move to be honest

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Now that's a humblebrag

Yeah, but how do you causally slip that into conversation?

Or into anything really.

"You know I could have been the pole vault world champion, but my penis is just too damn big"

605 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

That's...that's nice, I guess? Ummm, your total is $3.48, please drive up to the 2nd window.

"It's not that it's weird to say it at an Arby's, it's just that we all already know. You say it every day, Todd."

"Well you arent the only one with the meats, Arbys"

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Oops, I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong.

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28 points · 6 months ago

As an ice breaker or if people are talking about sports/competitions they where in.

Accidentally mass email all your contacts the link, lol I meant to send that to my brother

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"Or into anything really."

With lube.

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World's best pickup line.

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He should switch to swimming. He would swim incredibly straight

290 points · 6 months ago

Straight to the bottom with an anchor like that

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built-in skeg. just make sure he doesn't swim with too shallow of a draft

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10.2k points · 6 months ago

I've been losing because of my penis my whole life

Me too

Username checks out?

I'll bet he could have cleared that bar though.

It'd be the highest bar he'd ever top, though.

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I have an idea

I get your penis and you get a vagina?

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Cock-blocked

Cock-knocked

'Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?'

  • Actually, there's a funny story behind that. Ha, ha, you're gonna love this. True story!

"Avenge me.. Hemp Knight.."

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4.4k points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

If I lose at a solo sport because of my penis I'd be more proud of that than actually winning.

Somebody's never had a disappointing masturbation session.

Those are the ones that you need to learn from the most.

Relevant username?

Checks out

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45 points · 6 months ago

What about from the other side. Somebody won because of that guy's penis.

I'd like to thank my parents, my teammates, my coach, but most of all I'd like to thank Tommy's penis, this wouldn't have been possible without him.

Well unless the sport is a biggest penis contest.

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Would be weirder if you lost because of someone else's penis.

Like what happened to Kevin Spacey.

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Pretty sure that was because of his own penis.

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Someone else won because of his penis

I'm sorry sir but you've just BEEN PENETRATED!! Thank you for playing. As always, we'll be back at the same time next week. Goodnight all."

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1.1k points · 6 months ago

Imagine losing because of your penis

I don't think John can Bobbitt anymore...

Yes he can! He's Frankenpenis!

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oof

ouch

owie

67 points · 6 months ago

my bone

r

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And that kids... is why you don't exist.

Shit I don't exist?

19 points · 6 months ago

Don’t put Descartes before the horse.

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Omg ouch

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I know EXACTLY what that link is gonna be and it's gonna stay blue.

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20 points · 6 months ago

and at an official event so there is probably no undergarment on

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His penis had terrible form.

Shoulda tucked

109 points · 6 months ago

Hmmhhmm. He clearly don't watch RuPaul

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If it didn't before, it certainly did after that.

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8.1k points · 6 months agoGilded1

Dicksqualified.

1.3k points · 6 months ago

That's what happens when you get too cocky

663 points · 6 months ago

It’s ok, there’s still the schlong jump.

325 points · 6 months ago

Don't forget the dickathalon

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141 points · 6 months ago

I don’t know, I’d say it takes balls to wear leotards like that in public.

Yeah, but he still got shafted.

No guarantee he’d have won anyway with such stiff competition.

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80 points · 6 months ago

Shafted.....

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609 points · 6 months ago

I can't stop watching.

That's a little gay.

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Mirror?

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280 points · 6 months ago

You can almost see his body go limp with defeat upon impact.

Defeat... or pain? His junk took quite the impact.

Eh, it's not like his nuts smacked off that pole... aaaaand now I'm trying to imagine the logistics of pain regarding another man's dick hitting a pole.

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204 points · 6 months ago

You could say he was "penalized"

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620 points · 6 months ago

Best pick up line ever:

"I failed to qualify for the Olympics, my dick was too huge."

189 points · 6 months ago

What was it like being on the Russian women's weightlifting team?

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This probably happens a lot in pole vaulting.

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144 points · 6 months ago

Yep. It's a common misconception that pole vaulting is about getting your whole body over the pole, but in fact, the only goal is to get your penis over the pole. This guy will not make the team.

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Comment deleted6 months ago

He's too hard for those fools.

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290 points · 6 months ago

Such a dick move

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That jiggle physics though

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90 points · 6 months ago

ha, i didn't have that problem when i pole vaulted in high school! ...ha :(

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188 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

4 years of pole vaulting here : this vaulter has great form. Steps counted out perfectly, inside leg blasts up to begin that crucial rock needed to transfer momentum to your legs/feet going vertical. Legs were too far apart though, and that HUGE DONG (Dr. Mantis Toboggan) knocking the crossbar.

Edit: 4 Years eastern NC high school. 4th in state and 2nd in state junior and senior year respectively

26 points · 6 months ago

Is it just me or did his quad hit the bar first?

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29 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

The gif was fascinating actually. Watched for the magnum dong, stayed for the flying human.

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He got cocky

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Pretty sure that's still winning

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Poor guy hit his head.

Yes, I was looking to see if someone else remembered this.

I thought I was the only one who kept tabs on Olympic dicks

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The pole was already going down before his dick tapped it.

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In op it's legit just his dick, his whole body caught that but also his dick.

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What losing all i saw was a hard win.

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