top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]SrBarfy 7398 points7399 points  (203 children)

On top of that, they’re greeting each other like this while ass naked in a locker room drying their balls with the hair dryer. But some of these guys still get offended at gay pride parades...

[–]liamkr 2761 points2762 points  (60 children)

More like flossing their crack with a towel

[–]surge_of_vanilla 887 points888 points  (56 children)

How else you supposed to dry it?

[–]liamkr 548 points549 points  (36 children)

shake it off and open air dry

[–]discerningpervert 818 points819 points  (30 children)

Squat on a space heater

[–]Hard_one123 237 points238 points  (17 children)

I’ve done this many times

[–]MGLLNMod 353 points354 points  (14 children)

[–]pwningmonkey12 245 points246 points  (7 children)

Risky click of the day

[–]NoKenjataimuHost of Depression Hours™️ 43 points44 points  (3 children)

This is why I can't quit Reddit

[–]discerningpervert 18 points19 points  (2 children)

But why would you want to

[–]AKnightAlone 35 points36 points  (1 child)

Maybe because I want to live the lives of all the people I've vicariously enjoyed for so long while sitting in front of this screen. Well, I'd only be able to live one life though, so never mind that bullshit.

[–]Hard_one123 23 points24 points  (0 children)

You don’t know freedom until your boys are bone dry and not sticking to everything. Also a hair dryer, a fan used for drying warehouses, you name it.

[–]chiefbeefboi 77 points78 points  (8 children)

I've honestly done this, and it makes the air smell like wet balls. Makes me laugh everytime. Probably should wash my balls more often tho

[–]Summerie 96 points97 points  (0 children)

That’s the worst thing I’ve read all day but I’m giggling like an idiot.

[–]choppasonly 79 points80 points  (1 child)

and it makes the air smell like wet balls


probably should wash my balls more often tho

Oh man..

[–]copper_wing 47 points48 points  (1 child)

Bounce that ass until dry.

[–]Mysta02 56 points57 points  (0 children)

Steps for a Clean, Dry Ass

  1. Lather the ass

  2. Rinse the ass

  3. Twerk the ass

[–]NGMajora 13 points14 points  (0 children)

How else will I become the boss of this gym?

[–]foreignhoe 726 points727 points  (57 children)

Only army gay and locker room gay are acceptable

[–]juma606 412 points413 points  (5 children)

Also, boarding school gay and back-packing through Europe gay.

[–]KidFisty 132 points133 points  (25 children)

Don’t forget about Prison Gay

[–]MollyTheDestroyer 73 points74 points  (20 children)

Just saying, those guys are swole. If I were male, I don't think I could be fit enough to be prison gay.

[–]SS_Bison 123 points124 points  (16 children)

You'd get fit being in there. You have nothing better to do than lift weights and read, for the most part. There's other activities sure, but lifting gives you a high and makes you feel better about yourself, which is a tremendous benefit when you're locked up.

[–]Valac_ 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Also you wanna be big enough that most people just avoid fucking with you.

If you scrawny as fuck promise some loudmouth will make you a target.

[–]icewaternolemon 29 points30 points  (2 children)

There's a different role for you.

[–]kineticunt 35 points36 points  (0 children)

“That ain’t gay that’s just jail, he was on the outside fucking bootyhole”

[–]Bananacabana92 68 points69 points  (6 children)

And of course stuck in an elevator gay

[–]Summerie 53 points54 points  (5 children)

Jesus, how long were you in there?

[–]ilunalovegoodposts 57 points58 points  (3 children)

Long enough ;)

[–]Wiggy_Bop 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You guys are killing me 😂😜

[–]Bananacabana92 11 points12 points  (0 children)

As long as it takes..

[–]P3N9U1Nren 34 points35 points  (16 children)

Army or navy?

[–]Rath12 150 points151 points  (13 children)

Navy is pride parade gay. There’s a reason San Diego is a very accepting city.

Army gay is lighting pubes-on-fire gay.

[–]Rosssauced 130 points131 points  (6 children)

Navy Vet, can confirm. My nickname as a new guy was "pretty ricky" and apparently a pretty boy on all male boats passes for a girl during an underway, didn't even have to be a long one for the "me too" shit to start.

Navy is clear and aggressive kinds of gay.

[–]stamau123 91 points92 points  (2 children)

it's not gay if it's underway.

[–]GoSuckStartA50Cal 37 points38 points  (1 child)

Not queer on the pier either

[–]GoSuckStartA50Cal 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I'll never forget about 4 months into deployment. Saw the lower half of someone working up in the nosewell of an F18 and their ass looked so bodacious in coveralls. Person leans down to grab a tool and it's a dude with a beard (black guys always got no shave chits so easy). I was surprised but not disappointed.

Ass was still fat so I let him know.

[–]JoeWaffleUno 20 points21 points  (0 children)

On international waters gay has a different meaning

[–]daboobiesnatcher 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Idk in my experience they saying "ain't nothing gayer than a group of straight marines" holds pretty true, but yeaa the navy is pretty gay.

[–]Playboi_Icardi 25 points26 points  (0 children)

The Navy is literally full of seamen, it can't get much gayer than that

[–]crawtators 304 points305 points  (1 child)

Im a white dude who didnt get this tweet...until you painted a scene i witnessed everyday in the locker room at the ymca at lunch. Nothing like some 70 year old waltzing through but ass naked bitching about the "fag parade next weekend". Or "fuck my sideways i havent seen you since that par 72.73 game at the 1887 company picnic"

[–]SwarlesSparkleyyy 65 points66 points  (0 children)

From their perspective it makes sense. They can do borderline gay shit without it being gay, as they think gay shit is punishable by god.

[–]mrbrettw 238 points239 points  (11 children)

Is it just me or is this just an old man thing and less a race thing, because at my local YMCA it's all the old guys. Black, White, Latino and Asian. They all know each other and have full on conversations while showering and sitting bare ass in the sauna (shudders). Maybe because it's Southern California or something, but it doesn't feel so segregated.

[–]Tullyswimmer 155 points156 points  (1 child)

It's definitely an old man thing more than a race thing. I've seen it in just about every locker room I've been in, and the demographic breakdown is basically the same as the demographic breakdown of the general area.

[–]BigDaddy-69 41 points42 points  (0 children)

I feel like as you get older you start caring less and less about seeing another mans junk. We all have a set, i'll show you mine even though its kinda small, i don't even care.

Shit, in college me and my roommate would bang our girls in the same room at the same time. Nothing gay about that. Sometimes we'd even play pranks on each other like hop in the shower while the other one was using it, or pantsing each other when they're sleeping. Haha good times.

[–]Fluffymufinz 32 points33 points  (5 children)

I grew up playing a lot of sports. Being naked surrounded by other naked dudes is pretty comfortable to me. I've been showering after PE since I was in 7th grade. Didn't want to be the stinky kid that covered it up with cologne or axe.

[–]anddicksays 31 points32 points  (3 children)

The naked part in these locker rooms isn’t that odd to me. It’s the 5 min convo while dang swang that I find odd.

[–]bonage045 21 points22 points  (0 children)

If you played sports (and military as well), you got used to showering with a bunch of guys. If you didn't talk to each other while showering it's a lot of awkward silence. At some point you stop giving a shit and strike up conversation.

[–]FaceTHEGEEB 35 points36 points  (2 children)

Hah I guess its sports. Nothing weird about showering with each other, but don't you dare rub against me.

[–]Tomefy 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Why do you have to make it a political thing man. Why

[–]_Silly_Wizard_ 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Gay pride is for the locker room you animal!

[–]SnarkAdmin 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Real talk though, drying your balls with a hair dryer is the best. No one should have to suffer damp balls. Get those sons of bitches nice and dry.

[–]randywatson89 3543 points3544 points  (66 children)

I’ve never felt more white; the sentiment was spot on and I didn’t know what “extra” meant without the context...

[–]BanginBananas 1567 points1568 points  (28 children)

I'm shocked with a name like Randy Watson

[–]randywatson89 2141 points2142 points  (27 children)

Randy Watson is a character Eddie Murphy plays in Coming to America, it’s not my actual name yah dingleberry

[–]01001101_01100101 403 points404 points  (10 children)

That boy is good!

[–]randywatson89 174 points175 points  (1 child)

Sexual Chocolate everyone!

[–]Narradisall 15 points16 points  (0 children)

The guys got his own money, and I mean he’s got his own money!

[–]Sir_Green_Britches 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Hmhm. Good and terrible.

[–]ZeroTenenbaum 25 points26 points  (1 child)

good & terrible...

god damn that boy can sing!

[–]randywatson89 16 points17 points  (0 children)

He good!

[–]-Bacchus- 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Hello irony

[–]thottiepippen_ 21 points22 points  (0 children)

You might remember him as Joe the Policeman from the What’s Going Down Episode of “Thats My Mama”

[–]greatstonedrake 17 points18 points  (5 children)

I love that you called him a dingleberry....wait...what IS a dingleberry?

[–]TheAlmightyConch 67 points68 points  (4 children)

Pretty sure that’s a little bit of shit stuck to your ass hair

[–]jerapoc 24 points25 points  (3 children)

That’s exactly what it is.

[–]JoeyZasaa 10 points11 points  (2 children)

You ain't never met Martin Luther the King.

[–]ThorVonHammerdong 2502 points2503 points  (19 children)

This is the bridge between races. If I had a nickel for every time i saw black guys reunite after years apart despite having partied together last week...

[–]IslandSparkz 577 points578 points  (14 children)

[–]vodkaine 258 points259 points  (1 child)

That's 30¢ worth of oatmeal right there

[–]cybervalidation 117 points118 points  (0 children)

Terry loves oatmeal

[–]Dragontre 193 points194 points  (6 children)

Holy shit I just realized the kid from Everybody Hates Chris was in the walking dead as an adult where the fuck have my years gone?

[–]silenced0g00der 147 points148 points  (4 children)

Yeah he gets brutally devoured

[–]lyndalou666 167 points168 points  (3 children)

Well yeah, the show is called everybody HATES chris

[–]Highschoolhandjob 179 points180 points  (2 children)

Everybody ATES Chris

[–]Crousher 53 points54 points  (1 child)

That's the French version

[–]EpicLevelWizard 15 points16 points  (0 children)

No, that's "Everybody Surrenders to Chris whilst drinking wine."

[–]BearWithVastCanyon 15 points16 points  (0 children)

His name is Chris

[–]zuixihuan 19 points20 points  (0 children)

“Hey, everybody! Come quick! People doing a secret handshake!”

[–]Dinosauringg 384 points385 points  (3 children)

Oh man in high school my friends and I were playing basketball at the park and one of my black friends saw another dude that he recognized and ran up, hugged him, put him in the game and said shit like “damn I’ve missed playing ball with you, dog.”

The other dude was on the school BBall team with my friend.

[–]thesetheredoctobers 116 points117 points  (2 children)

Its because his friend is more challenging or fun to play with than you guys.

[–]Dinosauringg 62 points63 points  (1 child)

I mean that part I understand. It’s just that it felt like he hadn’t seen him in years.

[–]junefifths[S] 1894 points1895 points  (38 children)

When older white ladies catch each other in the supermarket cash out line even though they saw each other last night"Oh my God Diane is that yoooooou?""Oh my God Baaaaarrbaraa it's been forever"😭😭😂😂

[–]Wowseers 640 points641 points  (17 children)

"hey stranger! long time no see!!"

[–]suckmyjoeyfatone 211 points212 points  (5 children)

This made me cringe. I fucking hate that statement.

[–]makemewet86 85 points86 points  (4 children)

What do you say instead?

[–]iamnomoney 354 points355 points  (2 children)

Well suck my piss ya old nuggety slit blister, it’s nasty Babs!

[–]Octo_Reggie 66 points67 points  (0 children)

Sup nasty Babs

[–]jessbird 31 points32 points  (0 children)

oh my fucking god

[–]halvin_and_cobbes 57 points58 points  (0 children)

"Greetings brother, any news from the North"

[–]KisslexicDunt 131 points132 points  (8 children)

It’s not just “stranger” it becomes “heyyyy straaaaaaynjirrrrr”

[–]DearLeader420 89 points90 points  (0 children)

You're giving me PTSD of my mom

[–]Nkklllll 62 points63 points  (6 children)

“What’re ya buyin’?”

[–]Radioactive24 21 points22 points  (1 child)

"What're ya sellin'?"

[–]Nkklllll 16 points17 points  (0 children)

“Ahhhh, I’ll buy it at a high price!”

[–]missmaggy2u 153 points154 points  (2 children)

You'd think my friends and I were trying to hit on each other.

"Heeey gorgeous!"

"Omg what's your beautiful ass doing at Wal Mart? You fine ass bitch c'mere lovely!"

[–]Like1OngoingOrgasm 63 points64 points  (1 child)

Men fake insult their friends, women fake compliment their friends. Exceptions apply, of course. Always like when women can roast ya.

[–]missmaggy2u 19 points20 points  (0 children)

oh yeah I also rip them to shreds. But usually the first greeting is like an ego boost for both of us.

[–]devMartel 100 points101 points  (1 child)

In my experience, the longer they stretch the vowels, the more they hate each other.

[–]diamondflaw 26 points27 points  (0 children)

100% this.

[–]garlicroastedpotato 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I don't mind the grocery store because I can just go to a different line but when they so this in their cars and in the parking lot I'm stuck...

[–]bamalama 1059 points1060 points  (11 children)

If we try some kind of elaborate handshake, we fail, awkwardly. It's all we have.

[–]cornlip 357 points358 points  (4 children)

I always have a sinking feeling in my gut after one of those. Like, dude, I don't know what you're doing or how you expect people to just know 827 secret handshakes. Just shake my hand. I'm embarrassed, now.

[–]mappatappa 183 points184 points  (3 children)

Stonewall 'em, bud. Just go for the standard handshake, and stand your damn ground.

[–]gage117 94 points95 points  (1 child)

If he's insistent, he'll make a secret handshake that just goes nuts on your stone-stiff 'normal handshake' hand

[–]Chuunt 67 points68 points  (0 children)

My buddy and I have a secret handshake where we act all sketchy, get up close, and hide a normal ass white man handshake. Best one, if you ask me.

Source: am white as fuck.

[–]GumbyTheGremlin 104 points105 points  (0 children)

This sub is apparently just white people trying to get street cred with imaginary black people by talking about how awkward they feel being white. Weird.

[–]nebraskasurplus 691 points692 points  (4 children)

"it's been what ... ten years ?? ... Oh are you still working over at the film studio ... Oh sexual harrasment huh ?? ... Yeah it's definitely a different time"

[–]boboguitar 194 points195 points  (3 children)

To shreds you say?

[–]LeopardJockey 88 points89 points  (2 children)

And how's his wife holding up?

[–]fritzbitz 99 points100 points  (1 child)

To shreds you say?

[–]Kenyanguyhere 19 points20 points  (0 children)

And how are children?

[–]tapiocatapioca 670 points671 points  (10 children)

“Well paint me blue and fuck me sideways! How long has it been Jim?”

[–]DraganBall3 500 points501 points  (8 children)

As a white person, I never realized just how much sideways fucking we were actually doing.

[–]BodySlime 211 points212 points  (2 children)

It’s our signature move.

[–]greatstonedrake 110 points111 points  (0 children)

It really is. Great lazy sex.

[–]DraganBall3 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Can't believe I've been doing Missionary this whole time.

[–]bigwillyb123 64 points65 points  (2 children)

Well fuck me sideways with a rake, if it isn't my dear cousin Franklin! How the hell are ya? Still with the wife?

[–]WonderWeasel91 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I prefer the phrase "fuck me running" but "sideways" is a nice on to sprinkle in once in a while.

[–]TheRedmanCometh 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I've heard this one a LOT...for some reason also "spank my ass and call me sally"

[–]foreignhoe 544 points545 points  (3 children)

Smack my ass and call me sally, is that you Harold?

[–]Redditor_for_fun 112 points113 points  (1 child)

Harold hides his pain well

[–]chickenrooster 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Harold is worthy of the title Hokage. He walks ahead of others, enduring his own pain for their sake.

[–]polynomials 448 points449 points  (6 children)

When you get old you cannot be confident that people you knew when you are younger but you havent seen for a while are still alive. So, I expect it is always a treat to find that an old friend is not dead. Thats actually one of the scariest things about being old to me, you get lonely cause all your friends and family die off.

[–]bigwillyb123 249 points250 points  (1 child)

Well I'll be dipped in monkey shit, if it isn't Mr. "Still alive" himself! How the hell are ya, Steve? Still hooked up to that machine that helps ya breathe? Yeah, me too.

[–]PotRoastMyDudes 55 points56 points  (0 children)

How's his wife?

To shreds you say

[–]bryyo216 130 points131 points  (1 child)

This is definitely a thing that happens. A few years ago I was on the max going through downtown when this homeless-looking guy got on. He walked past a few rows of seats and then suddenly stopped and shouted out, “DUDE! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!” And then dropped his stuff and the other homeless-looking guy he was talking to jumped up and they hugged super happily.

[–]myhairsreddit 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Awwwe that's the sweetest sad thing I've read in a while.

[–]pragmojo 21 points22 points  (0 children)

That’s why I’m going first

[–]GOBLIN_PUSSY 171 points172 points  (1 child)

Being an old white dude i wanted to say this really puts my waffles in the toaster.

[–]4owl 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Because toasty waffles keep GOBLIN_PUSSY happy!

[–]jeha24 127 points128 points  (0 children)

Why does a group of black dudes run a quarter of a mile all in opposite directions when they find something funny?...

Life is filled with mysteries

[–]rkwastooshort 105 points106 points  (3 children)

As a white dude, I just greet my follows as niBBas.

[–]jordan58ortiz 89 points90 points  (2 children)

Correction: “Ni🅱️🅱️as 😤”

It doesn’t count if your facial expression doesn’t mirror the following emoji.

[–]rkwastooshort 50 points51 points  (1 child)

I am going to try my best to improve my grammar. Cheers, my Ni🅱️🅱️a 😤.

[–]jordan58ortiz 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Wow, most of my ni🅱️🅱️as 😤 get a little butthurt when I correct them, but you’re a real one for that!

[–]Malcolmpargin 90 points91 points  (0 children)

It's called banter.

[–]TastySpermDispenser 91 points92 points  (1 child)

Mostly, I am just surprised he is still alive. At that age, we know how much coke, booze, and hookers your buddy has done, and it's always a shock to see them on the outside of a coffin.

[–]Dinosauringg 49 points50 points  (0 children)

My dad says the same thing. Any time he sees a friend they talk like they’ll never see each other again... because they might not. They’ve lost so many of each other already I think he’s terrified.

[–]ZeroTenenbaum 82 points83 points  (8 children)


[–]IAmCaldwell 29 points30 points  (7 children)


[–]ninefeet 78 points79 points  (3 children)

The phrase is actually, "Butter my butt and call me a biscuit".

It's one of my favorite southernisms.

[–]IceColdRedundancy 27 points28 points  (1 child)

I thought it was butter my buns and call me a biscuit?

[–]ninefeet 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I thought it was butter my buns and call me a biscuit?

That does make more literal sense, but I've always heard it as butt.

[–]DressyVermin 61 points62 points  (7 children)

Black men recognizing their friends out on dates are more supportive than drunk white chicks that met for the first time in the bathroom earlier tonight

[–]Modokon 41 points42 points  (0 children)

It's not even just black men. All men, we just are stand up guys.

Men upon seeing a friend who has lost weight: Jim?!?! You old ass-fucker, you look like you lost about 100lbs! You look like Tom Selleck!

Women upon seeing a friend who has lost weight: She a skinny ho.

[–]PopcornGeorge 14 points15 points  (5 children)

Supportive in what way? They try to make their friend look good in front of the woman? That’s awesome if true.

Edit: or man if that’s your thing.

[–]DressyVermin 35 points36 points  (3 children)

Like dapped up and “ahh hell yeah man i see you out here. KEEP doin ur thang man, get it”

So ye hella supportive

[–]Dinosauringg 37 points38 points  (2 children)

Literally had a white friend post a picture of another friend out on a date on Snapchat from behind.

It was goddamn incredible.

“How does this ugly fuckhead have a date. Imma ruin it.”

[–]Blabernathy 60 points61 points  (1 child)

I admit we go over the top. Saw an alcoholic friend last week and I said, “well Tom Yates! How’s the cirrhosis you degenerate fuck?”

[–]Jmunnny 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I always here, “how ya been, ya son of a bitch?”

[–]Sandstorm52 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Ain't got shit on when we see each other in the hallways tho.


[–]ruairidoherty94 26 points27 points  (0 children)

“JESUS JIMMY HOW THE HELL ARE YE!!???” grabs friends arm tightly asf and proceeds to lower voice to a whisper when proceeding with conversation

That’s how my grandad does it anyway...

[–]KesslerMacGrath 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Damn, I’m only 18 and I’ve noticed I’ve started to do this. It started off as ironic but now it’s an actual habit.

[–]wumbogumbo 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I’m only 19, but after coming back from my first year of college and seeing my friends for the first time I’ve noticed myself doing this as well. The key to this is, before you shake the other guys hand, you must bring out your arm as wide as possible, spread your hand out as to create the most surface area possible with your arm, and come in hard enough to make a loud slapping noise, but soft enough so that your hands hit together perfectly on the first try. Also you can squat a little or throw those little fake punches, although those are optional.

edit: Throwing in a “who let you in here?” can add a bit of zest to this interaction.

[–]dandyer33 21 points22 points  (0 children)

As an old white guy all I can say is this is accurate

[–]SteveG540 17 points18 points  (0 children)

“Ned? Ned Ryerson? Bing!

Now, don't you tell me you don't remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you.”

[–]crafthppruettreddit 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I think it’s obvious. That shits fun. You’re telling me this isn’t a blast to say?

[–]handyrandyroottoot 19 points20 points  (0 children)

😂😂 But black people totally get extra when they encounter one another in public. They get loud and ornery

[–]jordan58ortiz 14 points15 points  (0 children)

My boss for my landscaping job just says “AYYYEYE AAAHH HEY AYE AYYYYYYE ARGGHHHH AHHHHHH HEYYYYY AHHHHHHHH!!! GORDY! HOW YA DOIN KID?! AHHHHHH!” if he ever sees me outside of work.

One time I saw him on my way to school while he was on his way to dropping his kids off at school and it was pretty much the same thing, but with a lot of honking.

[–]TheAerofan 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I can’t imagine how white you would have to be to be offended by this

[–]GermanicEngineering 16 points17 points  (0 children)

This subreddit is sooo racist it’s crazy.

[–]Gadjjet 12 points13 points  (0 children)

“Well cut my legs off and call me shorty”

[–]doitnowplease 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Because they’re surprised they’re still alive and really happy about the fact they are.

[–]johnnytaquitos 9 points10 points  (1 child)

About as extra as magic tricks