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[–]Zulnoth 2305 points2306 points  (61 children)

mine is, under-promise, over-deliver.

[–]apostropheapostrophe 474 points475 points  (8 children)

This is why I tell women my penis is only 2 inches long. They're always surprised by the extra inch!

[–]DallasITGuy 3096 points3097 points  (90 children)

The customer is not always right. But they are always the customer.

[–]wtfcolt 2886 points2887 points  (32 children)

"The customer is always right, but we have the right to decide when you are no longer a customer" - the bar

Edit: Thanks for the gold. Already sold it for beer money.

[–]MouldyEjaculate 52 points53 points  (3 children)

Conversely: The customer isn't a customer until they've bought something.

[–]TehBulman 4470 points4471 points  (319 children)

If you're gonna break the rules, only break one rule at a time.

[–]Kaeotic2 952 points953 points  (26 children)

Or if you're Machiavelli: if you do something terrible, do it all at once so people only hate you for a short time.

[–]humicroav 4271 points4272 points  (114 children)

I learned this from a former roommate and still follow it. It's break only one law at a time. Speeding. Ok. Speeding with weed in the car. Nope. Speeding while black. Nope.

[–]TrustMeIAMAlifeguard 1025 points1026 points  (55 children)

You got to be careful not to get hit with a DWB(driving while black)

[–]s_s 827 points828 points  (39 children)

If you're driving while black, cops WILL find weed in your car.

[–]Baked_Bacon_420 136 points137 points  (2 children)

Just sprinkle some crack on him, and lets go home.

[–]indialien 743 points744 points  (104 children)

So... what happens if I break the rule of breaking only one rule at a time?

[–][deleted] 860 points861 points  (20 children)

Well, then you've broken 3 rules. Nothing much else.

[–][deleted] 1727 points1728 points  (64 children)

You will ac̢ci҉de͞nt̸a͢llỳ ͮ҉̲ạ͉ ̧̦̗̩̪͙̪ͤ͒͛̀̀t̖̝̏ͨẹ͒̋ȃ̳͈̺̆ͨ͑ͅr͗ͮ̽͗ͥͥ ̰̤͈̬̝̺̱ͭí̶̂̅̿n̍̌͏͍̦̰͉ͅ ̫͓̰͍͉͖̩̓̃ͣͫ̽ͨ̌ẗ̘̳̪̥̼͔́͒̍͜h̴̦̖̜͗̒̚e̪̻̪̅̋̅̀̊̚ ̔ͦ̓҉͓̞͔͈͇̞f̷̸̜̖ͤ̏̅͂a̛͇̪̙̻͙͖ͪ̄̓̕b̵̵̴̟͕͚̘̿ͩr̶̩̘͓͎̩̣͉̖̱̾̐ͯǐ̡͇͙̘͕͌c̆̊̏͒͐̓͆̚͝͏͎̮̖̞̠̗͔̱ ̮̻͙͉͖͙̽̃ͤ̍ͪͨͭͨ̃̀͞͝ͅo̧͔͎̺͓̺̜̞͔̟̗ͪͪ͒̀ͪ̾͜f̢̨͇͙͖͓̹̗ͭ͋͌̄ͫ̍̔ͤͯ̍͛̊ͭ̕͜͠ ̧͔̥̞̖͚̱͉̞͕̬̹͔̪̟̩̳͗͐̔ͤͨ͘͟͞ş͍̲̼͓̬̤̳̭̜͍̤͖͓̼͒̓̓͆̃̒ͪͭ̈ͬͤ͂̈͒̏̊ͬͮͫ́͞͝p̓ͯ͂ͨ̇̒͊̀̍ͩͯ͆ͪ͛͜͏̼̪̲̪͚̹͎͇̲̘̠̺̜̲̝̀ą̝͕͕̯̟̻̺͚̬ͨ̔̋ͣ̓ͪ͟č̸̨̧̛̱̥̹͈͇̖̯̠̭̺̄̈́̑̌̈̓̋́́̄ͮ͑͘e̲̱͙͇̤̦̮̮̟̲̪ͪ͆̽̎̓̊͆̍̆ͤ̓̚͜ͅͅͅͅt̛̑ͫͫ̉̓̓̆͒̒̚͝͞͏͍̥̦͉̺̠͈̫̣̹̙̺į̎̉͗͂̒̊̒͢͞҉͔͔̞̥̱̠͚̝͍̻͜m̎ͪͬ̀̾̿̒̚҉̵͏̬̰̯̣͙̙͈̪̗͉̘̞̣͖̝̲͍̭ͅȩ̴̪̜̭̦͕̪̺̖̘̫̋ͫ̿̿̆̑̃͘͢͡.̷̵͓̤̼̖̠̻̝̣ͣͨ̃̈̋ͨ̿ͮ͋̓̽ͧ̒̚ͅ ̸̴͙͍̜̝̟̜̜͕̟ͣͥ̅̎ͨ̓ͫ̀̀͑͛̆̔͂̓́͘͞

[–]kotkaiser 6115 points6116 points  (546 children)

At least think about the arguments the side you are opposing has.

[–]Stevemacdev 1688 points1689 points  (161 children)

This is a very good one. It takes a lot to make me mad but when I do its explosive. When I met my current girlfriend I realised I had to start doing this because I wasn't right all the time.

[–]coleosis1414 1191 points1192 points  (127 children)

I have the exact same problem. I have a high tolerance and can let most things roll off my back... But when I actually do get angry I'm told it can be kind of alarming for the people around me. I'm not violent, but I have a booming voice and a very intense vibe when I'm pissed.

It can be a problem in a relationship. I can't have my girlfriend be scared of me.

[–]meighty9 1188 points1189 points  (94 children)

My dad is like this. 99% of the time he's quiet and doesn't react, but the one time a year I manage to piss him off... run for the hills. He's not violent, just terrifying.

Except when he's driving. He's 100% pissed at all times when driving.

EDIT: Apparently everyone on Reddit is my dad.

[–]nkorslund 186 points187 points  (9 children)

“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”

[–]Iammaybeasliceofpie 2827 points2828 points  (92 children)

But dude, how do I become a succesfull politician if I don't mindlessly shout at people?

[–]temporary_spastic 6201 points6202 points x3 (732 children)

To never make fun of or criticize someone's job. If they are working hard to provide for themselves and their family, then that is something that should be admired and respected no matter how unglamorous the job may be.

Edit: Ermahgerd. I've come a long way from Reddit lurker extraordinaire to triple gilded. Thank ya kindly!

[–]Barefootsurf 4848 points4849 points  (175 children)

The only job to be ashamed of is a job done poorly.

[–]platypus_soldier 2600 points2601 points  (109 children)

Hey! I take pride in my ability to meet the absolute bare minimum standard that is required

[–]notonrexmanningday 2318 points2319 points  (51 children)

My catch phrase is "Now that's what I call adequate."

[–]FereMiyJeenyus 1400 points1401 points  (16 children)

"It's not just good, it's good enough!"

[–]DemonKitty243 99 points100 points  (3 children)

"A solid commitment to mediocrity"

[–]alexbhood 1092 points1093 points  (65 children)

I used to make fun of people's jobs. Then I worked at Walmart.

[–]kourkour 883 points884 points  (153 children)

My parents are uni professors and they sometimes look down on people doing menial tasks and I always tell them off and tell them it's an honest job. The reason it happens to them is because they love their jobs, it's the center of their lives, they just don't know people whose job is just a means to an end and they're living for other stuff.

[–]poe_g 1149 points1150 points  (43 children)

Be a leader, not a boss.

[–]cyqu 2766 points2767 points  (43 children)

The Golden Rule:

Those who have the gold make the rules.

Edit: Now I make the rules.

[–]housedelirium 5212 points5213 points  (160 children)

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over twice and put it in your pocket - Frank McKinney Hubbard

Was an impulsive buyer and this changed my life.

[–]Mr_Wasteed 2618 points2619 points  (68 children)

It works on credit cards if you only fold it once the correct way.

[–]flodisco 220 points221 points  (10 children)

But but folding it twice would be quadrupling your money

[–]Reality_Facade 1386 points1387 points  (20 children)

The safest way to double your money is to start an exclusive religion and charge people to be in it. - L. Ron Hubbard

[–]mintzie 6655 points6656 points x3 (830 children)

Be hard on the problem and soft on the person

[–]WaffleFoxes 5810 points5811 points  (482 children)

My religious extended family did such a great job of this. They're the "genuine believer" sorts that do missions trips and visit prisons and such. They deeply believe that some things are sinful and you shouldn't do them.

However, when one son got his high school girlfriend pregnant they just did what they could to support them both. Another son brought his new girlfriend - a former stripper - to the family reunion and everybody was perfectly welcoming.

They're good at taking the "This isn't the path we would have chosen, but we're family so sit down and grab one of grandma's cookies and let's play some rummikub" point of view.

[–]voguefish 4833 points4834 points  (199 children)

That's the best kind of religious people.

[–]Crulpeak 2695 points2696 points  (74 children)

It's also the kind that get the least attention/recognition (in no small part because US media encourages outrageous behavior and sensationalism)

[–]FaultyTurmoil 3907 points3908 points  (71 children)

That's the best kind of people.

[–]natto_lover 1166 points1167 points  (158 children)

OMG nobody I know knows what rummikub is! That last sentence made be more excited than it should have.

[–]Typhlops 491 points492 points  (90 children)

Is that an obscure boardgame in the US? Here in the Netherlands its almost as popular as say, Scrabble or Yahtzee.

[–]beevaubee 353 points354 points  (48 children)

German chiming in - we're also Rummikub fans! Hallo Nachbar! 😊

[–]SquishMitt3n 1450 points1451 points  (163 children)

I wish more people followed this ideal. I had a woman today have a massive go at me for her DVD being faulty and some of our other stores screwing her around (ie her not listening to us or them properly). I spent 2 of our busiest hours doing my best to get to the bottom of the solution, informing her of such and generally trying to appease her. Why don't people understand that I am not the business? Everyone that works for our company is not the company, we're all people. Some of us less competent, sure, but if I'm not the person that screwed up and I'm genuinely trying to help you don't have a go at me.

/rant. Gotta vent some times.

[–]dadadadadaHEY 253 points254 points  (32 children)

Haha awh god I'm on my lunch break from a retail store right now. I feel your pain. Most customers are fine but then you get that one who decides you made the company and everything if your fault. Good to rant though hope you're having a good day!!

[–]Valkyrie21 723 points724 points  (46 children)

Don't make promises you can't keep or don't plan on keeping.

[–]Chestnut_Bowl 3289 points3290 points  (127 children)

Spend no more than $50 during a Steam sale.

[–]ragn4rok234 950 points951 points  (28 children)

But I want more than 30 games

[–]openurinal 417 points418 points  (13 children)

You mean spend no less than $50 during a steam sale?

[–]Khurtz009 3108 points3109 points  (113 children)

If you aren't bothering me and/or hurting anyone, I don't give really care what you're doing.

[–]_nouserforaname 453 points454 points  (19 children)

Live and let live. I wish more people would adopt this way of thinking.

[–][deleted] 64 points65 points  (5 children)

Except those who claim to live that way, mostly don't.

Our society today is so obsessed with "not giving a fuck", "no fucks left to give" ect and yet everybody seems to be utterly obsessed with what is bothering them.

[–]I_Raptus 4699 points4700 points  (356 children)

What you do to one side of an equation, you must do to the other.

[–]rolandhorn27 2718 points2719 points  (273 children)

Equivalent Exchange

[–]ki11bunny 572 points573 points  (50 children)

Fuck that noise, I gots meself a philosopher's stone.

[–]lord_geryon 407 points408 points  (42 children)

That didn't bypass Equivalent Exchange, that just made it so the cost was paid by the souls that made up the stone and not you.

[–]Submissivekitten814 4627 points4628 points  (496 children)

Everyone has a story. There's a reason for the behavior of everyone. Reach out when you see people in need. You can change lives.

[–][deleted] 931 points932 points  (24 children)

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

True in every case when I started noticing it in that perspective. I even learned to realize that when people seem to be cranky at me at times, its not me, most of the time, its at themselves.

[–]BlatantConservative 3543 points3544 points  (141 children)

Always, ALWAYS, let people underestimate you. That way, its easier to beat them.

[–]Schick_Deine_Titten 581 points582 points  (32 children)

Ah, the Columbo tactic.

[–]JackSpringer 1120 points1121 points  (32 children)

Not a good idea if you are looking for a job or promotion.

[–]HimynameisJUL 1251 points1252 points  (16 children)

Let your COMPETITION underestimate you. Let your employers know you mean business.

[–]catcalliope 216 points217 points  (5 children)

Always wash out my oatmeal bowl immediately after finishing it.

[–][deleted] 1840 points1841 points  (101 children)

Don't be an asshole.

[–]VoicesDontStop 407 points408 points  (14 children)

Be excellent to each other.

[–]Bulwinkleballs 537 points538 points  (53 children)

Basically same.

Don't be a dick.

I like the double d.

[–]Est92Female 1560 points1561 points  (224 children)

When in doubt, turn left

[–]kotkaiser 1192 points1193 points  (82 children)

I'm spinning like a dreidel at this point, don't think I'm doing it right.

[–]bankrish 250 points251 points  (4 children)

I'm not an ambiturner.

[–]12iskYourLife 146 points147 points  (14 children)

When in doubt, pull it out.

[–]straycat2001 3856 points3857 points  (274 children)

Trust, but verify.

[–]Anastik 2578 points2579 points  (88 children)

I trust my wife isn't cheating on me, but I verify by hacking into her social network and email accounts.

[–]magicbullets 997 points998 points  (60 children)

ಠ_ಠ

[–]GoTzMaDsKiTTLez 1314 points1315 points  (56 children)

Don't worry. He's the kind of guy who thinks checking her facebook on her phone while it's still open is hacking.

[–]Tundur 1031 points1032 points  (46 children)

That's like 90% of security breaches. Spend 80 million on pen testing, audits, staff training, software, hardware and the CEO will still have his password stickynoted to the screen.

[–]bottomlulz 762 points763 points  (76 children)

I am very trustworthy, can anyone verify this for me?

[–]notbottomlulz 1080 points1081 points  (59 children)

Verified! You guys can have sex now.

[–]straycat2001 721 points722 points  (25 children)

I hava feeling /u/bottomlulz and /u/notbottomlulz could be in cahoots with each other.

[–]Ihavesecretmotives 534 points535 points  (11 children)

PLEASE DRINK VERIFICATION CAN

[–]damamas 6242 points6243 points  (836 children)

Have more than you show, speak less than you know

[–]DomainError 712 points713 points  (28 children)

Never reveal your power level.

[–]StoicAngo 208 points209 points  (5 children)

Always keep it at 5000

Source: Son Goku

[–]magicbullets 5435 points5436 points  (432 children)

Loose lips sink ships,

Cold wind, pointy nips.

*Thanks for the gold, you lovely person! May your nips always point you in the right direction.

[–]StaleTheBread 5592 points5593 points  (343 children)

Obtuse, rubber goose, green moose, guava juice,

Giant snake, birthday cake, large fries, chocolate shake!

[–]notafuckingflower 4935 points4936 points  (209 children)

Pinot noir, mid-sized car.

And....golden star!

[–]mydearwatson616 1026 points1027 points  (32 children)

PiinOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT NOOOOOOIiiiir

[–]havebananas 1486 points1487 points  (86 children)

Washing machines, desperate screams

[–]xerxerneas 552 points553 points  (28 children)

ohhhdd parents, fairly odd parents!

[–]no_no_i_am_spartacus 459 points460 points  (53 children)

I... something dicks?

[–][deleted] 407 points408 points  (43 children)

Sit on my face.

[–]PM-ME-YOUR-STORIES[S] 1678 points1679 points  (203 children)

I'm trying to live by this, but sometimes it's really hard to not talk a lot about topics I'm enthusiastic about, and it comes off as bragging.

[–]TractorOfTheDoom 4214 points4215 points  (154 children)

Look, man. Whenever you feel like talking that much again, just realize that nobody gives a shit.

[–]Bachi-Trust 931 points932 points  (63 children)

I kind of find this hard though, because there are times I want to tell people things and I don't even care if they give a shit, I just want to talk about something cool.

[–]WaffleFoxes 459 points460 points  (21 children)

I get where you're coming from. They just aren't interested because they don't get HOW COOL it is!

[–]FlashbackJon 420 points421 points  (15 children)

Exactly! If I just keep talking about it endlessly, they'll finally realize how cool it is!

[–]hahfunny 483 points484 points  (29 children)

I disagree. Whenever someone is enthusiastic about something, there is a very good chance that it will make me a bit interested in it, too. OP should start with enthusiasm, then check if anyone's listening. If yes, carry on.

The part I don't get is why it comes off as bragging - surely OP is talking about the stuff, not about himself and the stuff, right? Because the latter is the uninteresting part, most of the time.

"Oh yes, I this is fascinating! I especially don't get/like that X does Y! Isn't that cool?" vs. "Oh yes, I actually graduated in this topic and wrote my thesis on this! The explanation you're looking for is Z. Many people believe in XY, but that's just stupid, hehe. (I warn you right away: Arguing with me is senseless here, because I'm so passionate about this that I will attempt to crush you with my - surely superior! - information. I wrote my thesis on this, after all!)"

Because are you talking about the topic you like, or are you talking about you and your connection to the topic you like (and possibly how that is the reason why everyone should listen to you now)?

[–][deleted] 1958 points1959 points  (141 children)

Don't be a dumbass.

You want to drink in a National Park? Fine, go for it, just Don't be a dumbass. Clean up after yourself and don't leave your fucking cans and bottles.

You want to swim in the Potomac River? Fine, go for it, just Don't be a dumbass. Don't do it the day of or day after rain, and stay the fuck out of the current in the middle.

You want to do all the crazy jumps on your new snowboard you just bought? Fine, go for it, just Don't be a dumbass. Practice on the smaller shit first and work your way up.

You want kids at 20? Fine, go for it, just Don't be a dumbass. Understand it's a lot of work and you'll see a hell of lot less of your friends, who are out at the bars and whatnot.

[–][deleted] 644 points645 points  (79 children)

For the love of God... who would actually WANT to swim in the potomac?!

[–][deleted] 134 points135 points  (14 children)

It depends on the area you're in. Upriver of the city, you're fine. Like I said, don't do it after it rains.

And it's fun. I've found a lot of nice little beaches where I can chill and fish, and yes! go for a swim.

[–]Theshycamel 910 points911 points  (52 children)

Always check behind a closed shower curtain before going to the bathroom

[–]nahhan12 373 points374 points  (24 children)

So true! My family always closes the shower curtain to "make it look nice". I have to have it open "because murderers".

[–]ArchangelRyzera 378 points379 points  (9 children)

Not to be aggressive ever while angry, unless its self-defense.

[–]ticklemejimjam 2821 points2822 points  (312 children)

Driver picks the music. Don't touch my radio, I won't touch yours.

[–]StealthyOwl 1361 points1362 points  (155 children)

My friends say that the passenger gets to decide the music. Idk what the hell happened in their childhood to make them think such a horrible thing.

[–]renegade_9 398 points399 points  (5 children)

Passenger can DJ with driver's approval, driver always has final veto.

[–]k_nasty 2426 points2427 points  (63 children)

Passenger picks the music, but if the driver doesn't like it they absolutely have the right to

a) force passenger to change it

b) ridicule passenger for terrible taste

[–][deleted] 242 points243 points  (8 children)

That's how it works in my circle

[–]arodynamicfalcn 74 points75 points  (1 child)

c) throw the passenger out of the moving vehicle

[–]Horrified101 3965 points3966 points  (254 children)

Instead of being pissed off about stuff, just don't give a fuck. Helps me a lot.

Edit: I was not expecting at all to be gilded for this comment. Thank you, kind stranger.

[–][deleted] 607 points608 points  (18 children)

I go to cinema

[–]kotkaiser 1180 points1181 points  (92 children)

Indeed. I like my nihilism, it's pretty meh.

[–]Weep2D2 1254 points1255 points  (127 children)

I greet.

You don't.

I swear you in my head.

[–]BartSimpWhoTheHellRU 1449 points1450 points  (69 children)

"Hi, how are you today?"

"Large coffee"

(I hope you die in a fiery auto wreck on your way to work)

[–]kotkaiser 68 points69 points  (0 children)

Poetic

[–]Miranda_Mary_Piker 4113 points4114 points  (550 children)

Kindness. I find little tolerance for cruel and rude behavior.

[–]goldandguns 446 points447 points  (89 children)

I find little tolerance for cruel and rude behavior.

I find quite a bit. My version of kindness is being kind even to those who I think don't deserve it. You never know what's going on in that person's life that's making them act shitty. Your kindness could help them in some way.

Edit: my point is I think it's most important to be kind to those jerks. They need kindness in their life. Have they earned it? No. Could they (and by extension everyone they interact with) benefit from it? Absolutely.

[–]Happy_Neko 1314 points1315 points  (76 children)

Story time!

So way back in the day I was a hairsylist. Colors, cuts, all that jazz. It was a well known chain (that was anything but Fantastic!) so we usually had a lot of walk-in customers. People, in general, are normally pretty nice and friendly. Will engage you with small talk, which is all I did all day long, and are generally not too bad. Not this one lady though.

When she came in it was weird. She was a walk-in and I was next up, so I called her back once I was ready. No response. Call her name again a little louder and she looks up, doesn't say a word, and just follows me back. Fast-forward and I ask her what she wants me to do and she just says flatly "I don't care. Just do what you want."

Okay...

As a side note, this was during the peak of the recession in Michigan in an area that thrived off of the auto industry. Plants were shutting down left and right and we were getting a lot of women who normally would go to high-end salons but could no longer afford it. They came in with a nasty attitude like the whole thing was beneath them and were a pain to deal with. This woman was dressed pretty nice and had an upper-middle class aura so, being young and naive, I assumed this was the situation.

So I go through the motions, give her a trim, and the whole time I'm asking questions and she's basically ignoring me. Might get a grunt or a one word response, but that was it. As the visit went on I was getting more and more annoyed. A sort of "look lady, just because I work here doesn't mean I'm a shit hairdresser and just because you're "slumming" it here doesn't mean I'm gonna give you a bad haircut," type of attitude. I don't remember what I said exactly, but it was snarky and sarcastic. Something to the effect of "I'm not a mind reader, so if you don't tell me what you want you're going to get what you get."

She looked into the mirror at my reflection, said "Oh my god, I'm so sorry..." and burst into tears. Not just a little either, but full on, shaking and gasping for air, heart-wrenching sobs.

Turns out she had been up all night. Her son had gone away to college that fall and he had died of alcohol poisoning. They had woke her up in the middle of the night to tell her and she'd been up ever since. She was - in a very, very literal way - on autopilot. She explained that she had just been driving for hours aimlessly and she saw our sign. She supposed that she should get her hair done so that she looked nice for the funeral.

I learned two very important lessons that day. First, as has been mentioned, you have no idea what is going on in another person's life and why they are acting the way they are. Second, everyone handles news like that differently. Some people hide, some people surround themselves with family and friends, some people don't know what the fuck to do. So don't ever judge someone on a one-off encounter for being a dick. You have no idea what's going on in their life.

Edit: Obligatory thank you for the gold! But really, thank you for the gold :)

[–]MillieChliette 196 points197 points  (21 children)

Something about this reminded me of a time I was a dick without meaning to be.

I was, at the time, a store manager at a well-known video game chain store. I had just finished opening, lifted the gate, and was finishing some stuff behind the counter before the day's shipment came. On weekdays, the opening manager generally opened alone, with help coming in the afternoon.

2 guys came in. They looked to be construction workers. It was raining really hard that day, so maybe their work was cancelled? Not sure how that stuff works. One of them noticed promotional items around the store for Fable 2 and asked a perfectly reasonable question.

"Hey man, what's Fable 2?"

"The sequel to Fable."

"Wow... Thanks asshole."

They left the store immediately and it didn't dawn on me until a few moments later that I really must have come across as an ass. I certainly didn't mean to. I was in a bad way when I worked there and I also tend to come across a lot more harshly than I intend to. Had I not been alone in the store, I'd have run after and apologized. I still think about this moment and use the memory of it to try to be a more approachable, friendly person.

[–]TheGrim1 497 points498 points  (42 children)

Politeness always pays off.
And it costs you nothing.

[–]Gauhl 228 points229 points  (11 children)

Being nice costs you nothing, but pays for a lot.

[–]PM-ME-YOUR-STORIES[S] 947 points948 points  (284 children)

I'm really sorry for being naive, but how do you keep act kindly to those who don't? It gets frustrating sometimes.

[–]10S_NE1 417 points418 points  (61 children)

I assume that the person is having a terrible day. I picture that they just found out they have cancer, had their car stolen, found out their spouse cheated, have a sick child, lost their job, are in physical or mental pain, etc.

We don't really know what's going on in most people's lives, and sometimes it's just easiest to take the high road and hope that you did something nice for someone who was having an awful time with something unrelated.

[–]Trust_In_Hart 270 points271 points  (32 children)

If someone cuts me off in traffic, I usually just think to myself, "Oh, they are probably just running late to volunteer at a soup kitchen."

[–]ballrus_walsack 218 points219 points  (8 children)

My wife always says "they probably have diarrhea." Now my kids have reportedly said the same thing in other people's cars, much to the confusion of the other occupants.

[–]Miranda_Mary_Piker 1263 points1264 points  (67 children)

I agree it's very frustrating and worse it's very sad. Honestly I've just sort of learned to tune them out. If a person wants to persist in being shitty, I just walk away; literally and figuratively.

There are way more people out there who respond well to basic kindness than not and I focus on that.

[–]TheWatersOfMars 812 points813 points  (33 children)

I was waiting for a flight connection today, and this guy in the queue... he... talked to me. Like, politely making conversation, asking where I was going, am I on holiday, etc?

I felt so violated by this brazen display of basic human interaction.

[–]goldandguns 1037 points1038 points  (13 children)

"Is your cellphone dead or something, you fucking creep?"

[–]havebananas 224 points225 points  (3 children)

'Just because I'm not wearing headphones right now doesn't mean I want to talk!'

[–]houdinic4 60 points61 points  (2 children)

I find that whenever somebody treats me unkindly, I have no choice but to act kindly towards them. Any other reaction, would only reinforce whatever image that person has of me that would cause the unkindness.

EDIT: The exception to this is hurtful unkindness towards someone else. That could possibly require intervention.

[–]Unuhpropriate 167 points168 points  (32 children)

Thick skin. If you're kind to others, and they give you nothing but negativity back, 9 times out of 10, it has nothing to do with your happiness, and in the 1 instance it does, it's because some people are just assholes.

Instead of mandatory military service nowadays, kids should be forced to work 1 year retail. The anger, spite, outright hatred you will experience, and train to roll right off your back is a enormous life lesson.

If you don't agree, that's fine too. Have a great day and we'll see you back soon.

[–]Chumpo121 1402 points1403 points  (71 children)

When an argument breaks out, stay neutral until your hand is forced. Think of yourself as Switzerland, this neutral body just observing warring factions at work/school etc

[–]SketchBoard 469 points470 points  (26 children)

But maintain sure eyecontact with all parties to establish dominance.

E: my phone can't period read

[–]albearkamoo 1002 points1003 points  (84 children)

I never talk shit about anyone to anyone.

[–]moonsout_goonsout 151 points152 points  (19 children)

This is very very applicable. Unless you're venting to your SO, it will always get back to the person. I've been the middleman here and you're like "okay do not tell him I told you" And they're like "I promise on everything holy and my sons life"

Next thing you know person C hates you.

[–]Durbo14 289 points290 points  (16 children)

Always thank the bus driver

[–]SportTheFoole 93 points94 points  (19 children)

All software is broken. (I've been doing software QA for a while...)

[–]Shirt_Face 594 points595 points  (56 children)

Don't stick your finger where you wouldn't stick your dick.

Edit: I think some people are confused and need to look at this as a safety rule. I know under everyday scenarios you're not going to stick your dick into your bag of skittles...

[–]SportTheFoole 356 points357 points  (18 children)

But it feels soooooo good to stick my pinky in my ear.

[–]Shirt_Face 504 points505 points  (15 children)

Woah,hold on dude. I said where you wouldn't stick your dick, not couldn't stick it.

[–]Harperlarp 4792 points4793 points  (223 children)

If someone has more wins than losses, I'll be Sub-Zero. If they have more losses than wins I'll be either Predator, Raiden, Takeda, or Goro.

[–]Unuhpropriate 1797 points1798 points  (10 children)

This is the most compassionate answer

[–]domuseid 141 points142 points  (8 children)

Who knew MKX would be the bringer of peace in our days? An age of compassionate enlightenment, spiced up with tearing out spinal cords and other gruesome fatalities.

[–]thatswhatshisaid 2131 points2132 points  (92 children)

Just because someone worked in the company longer than you, or was there before you, doesn't necessarily make them more competent than you.

[–]SafetyDaily101 906 points907 points  (25 children)

it's not about who you know....it's about who you blow.

[–]bide1 1731 points1732 points  (79 children)

It's okay, if it's in a three-way.

[–]slippy013 853 points854 points  (34 children)

With a honey in the middle, there's some leeway

[–]Ayodep 761 points762 points  (49 children)

Just because you're different doesn't mean you're useful.

[–]catfroman 573 points574 points  (72 children)

Piss when you can. Seriously. Small urge to pee when you're about to lay down? Take a piss. No urge to pee when you're about to lay down? Take a piss. About to leave for a date and just pissed? Take a piss.

It's so nice, never having an inconvenient urge to piss because whenever I have a chance to take a convenient piss, I take it.

[–]AnchoredDown 110 points111 points  (7 children)

Don't tell people what emotion they are feeling.

Whether you outright accuse them of it (i.e. "You don't have to get so upset about it!", "Stop overreacting", etc.) or indirectly claim it through a question (i.e. "Why do you get so embarassed when..."),it is often embarassing or even insulting to the individual to have their entire current state of being reduced to a single word. That word you just accused them of being, even when used with the best intentions, does not even come close to the way they are really feeling.

This is my philosophy on why the common "Calm down", "Stop overreacting", etc. are often responded to with "I AM CALM" or "I'M NOT OVERREACTING." It's not that they disagree with you, it's that you are misrepresenting the way they feel.

Instead, try asking them how they feel. Let them describe it to you because once you understand them in their own terms, you will better understand how they are perceiving the conversation.

I have become very aware of this and find that my conversations are much more meaningful and effective when I make a conscious effort to avoid it.

[–][deleted] 967 points968 points  (44 children)

"A fap a day keeps the stress away."

[–]Ihavesecretmotives 549 points550 points  (8 children)

I must have kept like 4 stresses away this morning.

[–]bottomlulz 1143 points1144 points  (9 children)

"A neck shave a day keeps m'ladies away."

[–]milesDSF 594 points595 points  (4 children)

Tip the fedora before gifting the flora

[–]phlap 1073 points1074 points  (114 children)

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

Not always the easiest to follow at times, but I'd say it just about sums up how a good person should life their life.

EDIT: As a rule of thumb.

[–]georgejoem 416 points417 points  (43 children)

I prefer to treat others the way they want to be treated.

I might like a friendly game of scrote squad with my buddies but I'm not sure meeting my neighbors kids and punching them in the testicles is the way they want to be treated too.