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[–]MigueLozano 2879 points2880 points  (51 children)

My parents bought me new shoes. They were a little tight fitting, which I thought made me run faster. Just as we parked on our driveway I jumped out of the car and started running while shouting "These shoes make me run so fast!". For some reason I decided to close my eyes while running to enjoy the feeling. When I opened them again it was already too late to dodge the wall in front of me. Had to get stitches because of that.

[–]Atryuki 1988 points1989 points  (17 children)

I can just imagine your parents watching you jump out of the car and proceed to sprint into a wall.

[–]cynoclast 459 points460 points  (5 children)

Imagine your parents reaction to watching their precious kid close his eyes and sprint full tilt into a wall.

“Oh my god, is our son retarded?!”

I’m crying laughing.

[–]mvicsmith 121 points122 points  (0 children)

Hahaha this image is hilarious

[–]1vna 2463 points2464 points  (36 children)

Shit on the floor and put a chair over it assuming it would remain hidden forever.

Babysitter moved an oddly placed chair in the middle of my bedroom and trods in a warm, steamy, human shit. Sorry Emma.

[–]InfamousLamp 490 points491 points  (8 children)

I did this in the shower and put a blue plastic cup over it. I remember watching my dad just shake his head coming out of the bathroom like 10 minutes later

[–]brutalanglosaxon 363 points364 points  (4 children)

Haha, a few years ago I was with my ex and went to her sister's place for dinner. They had a 3 year old. After dinner, the kid went to bed and me, my ex, her parents, her sister and her sister's husband were sitting there watching tv. The kid comes in and says "a burglar just came in to the house and did a poo in the hallway".

[–]1vna 111 points112 points  (0 children)

The old burglar trick. Works nearly every time

[–]jdb7121 1559 points1560 points  (24 children)

I once locked myself in the trunk of my sister's car. I don't know why.

[–]Coldpiss 846 points847 points  (12 children)

How did they find you ?

Edit :Did they find you ?

[–]Macelee 771 points772 points  (7 children)

Nah, he ded.

[–]404GoodNamesNotFound 437 points438 points  (3 children)

plot twist OP is actually a child, currently inthe trunk of their sister's car and requires help

[–]PearBlossom 3467 points3468 points  (75 children)

I left a note that I backed my bags and was running away from home. I promptly setup shop in a closet. Blankets, snacks. I think I was around 5-6

[–]kevle6 877 points878 points  (4 children)

That sounds pretty fun

[–]PearBlossom 175 points176 points  (3 children)

It lasted about an hour before it got boring lol

[–]Acerimmerr 482 points483 points  (7 children)

I did the same thing but made a blanket fort, cue 5 hours and a good nap later, and an irritated policeman sees through my clever ruse.

[–]Feebedel324 182 points183 points  (1 child)

I was really mad at my parents when I was little and told my parents I was running away from home and ran to my room. When I got there I was so frustrated cause I’d never had to pack my shit before and I screamed “ISN’T ANYBODY GOING TO HELP ME PAAACK?!” My parents were apparently trying to not laugh their heads off and I still get grief about it.

[–]nath52 3304 points3305 points  (51 children)

My uncle used to give me an allowance for getting good grades, and by a certain age I had saved like $1000 and my dumb ass put it all in an envelope in my backpack. My mom took me to the mall and I took the backpack with me. We tried on some clothes and I ended up forgetting my backpack in the dressing room and by the time I realized it and we went back, it was gone.

I will never get over that.

[–]Raichu7 1874 points1875 points  (20 children)

That sounds like some stupidity on your parents part too for letting you take $1000 cash anywhere apart from a bank.

[–]stls 739 points740 points  (14 children)

I dont think they knew he was carrying all that cash.

[–]eyekwah2 4577 points4578 points  (107 children)

My mom was cooking with a red hot chili pepper and I said I wanted to try it. She told me just to bite off the tip and no more and I promised I would.

Rebellious me seizes the day and chomps on the whole thing. I was in tears for the next 2 hours from the pain. I think my mother was in tears as well, but not because she felt sorry for me.

[–]hansn 593 points594 points  (28 children)

My roommate many years ago was a big fan of spice. He would eat whole habanero peppers as part of a meal. His girlfriend at the time, however, was pretty unaccustomed to spicy food, but seeing his love of the peppers, decided to try one.

Despite the warnings that they were very hot, she took a bite of a habanero. It took some convincing her that she was not dying and did not need to go to the ER.

[–]PM_ME_FANTASY_WORLDS 177 points178 points  (22 children)

He would eat whole habanero peppers as part of a meal.

My god, that's some pretty insane spice tolerance.

[–]scm96 1062 points1063 points  (3 children)

One time in the summer, my 5-6 year old niece came inside crying and almost hyperventilating, in pain but seemingly unable to articulate the problem. She just said she hurt her mouth, so my mom (her grandma) gave her an ice pack and a drink of water and kind of just shrugged it off.

Later in the day, when she went to check out the garden, she found one of her homegrown jalapenos dropped in the driveway with a big bite out of it. My niece didn't want to tell anyone that she'd picked a pepper from the garden without permission...

[–]gridzbispudvetch 185 points186 points  (9 children)

I tried half a large chili recently. I'm pretty much certain that the waitress thought I was rude for not talking. In fact I was just keeping a mouthful of water in my mouth. By the way, if you want to get rid of spice and you don't have milk, bread or any of that, just try keeping a single large sip of water in your mouth for twenty minutes or more.

[–]3DLife 4972 points4973 points  (75 children)

I threw a rock at a car. The car stopped, my mother stepped out and grounded me.

[–]FailFTW 797 points798 points  (23 children)

On a similar note, my friend and I found empty beer bottles. We went down to a road leading to a yacht club and decided to throw the bottles at a concrete wall next to the road. A car runs over the glass and the lady gets out and yells at us. Her husband and baby are in the car while this is going on. She made us clean up the glass.

[–]murilo 6850 points6851 points  (114 children)

I sprayed the entire toilet area in school with Pink neon graffiti. What i wrote? my first name.

spent 3 days cleaning it.

[–]Coldpiss 2649 points2650 points  (10 children)

Of course you wrote your name, you don't want somebody else to take the credit for your work.

[–]reed12321 793 points794 points  (14 children)

I did something similar. We had an old Victrola record player in our family room, right under the dart board. I got the brilliant idea to carve my name in the top. I realized what I did was wrong, but I didn’t want to be blamed for it, so I carved my brother’s name on it too. I blamed him but my parents were much less dense than I was because I was 6 and my brother was 3 and couldn’t spell his name yet. My plan was foiled.

[–]baldjugglingogre 74 points75 points  (2 children)

I was the younger brother in an almost identical scenario. I was five at the time; I carved my own name and then convinced my parents that my older brother did it in an attempt to get me in trouble.

[–]fearsome2behold 265 points266 points  (17 children)

I did something similar.

As a kid (maybe 6 or 7) for some reason I really wanted to carve something in my mother's wooden rocking chair. I contemplated carving my brother's name so he would get in trouble and not me, but decided I couldn't be so mean to him. Instead I carved my name and broke my mother's heart. Got in a lot of trouble too

[–]kwadd 1735 points1736 points  (40 children)

Took my dad's stamp collection and stuck the stamps all over the house, when I was around 3.

He wasn't happy.

[–]eleventytwelv 839 points840 points  (29 children)

My dad's a music nerd. He had a Marshall amp. Now he has an arshall amp.

[–]ImALittleCrackpot 7577 points7578 points  (173 children)

Us kids decided we would do something nice for our dad and we sharpened his screwdrivers.

[–]eyekwah2 2772 points2773 points  (29 children)

Just in case your father goes to prison and needs a shiv.

[–]Barack-YoMama 803 points804 points  (19 children)

Probably the reason he might go to jail

[–]sarah-xxx 1513 points1514 points  (18 children)

"What you're in for?"

"My kids weren't the sharpest tool in the shed, so they made me one.."

[–]stellastar2000 901 points902 points  (16 children)

I made my dad "bandaids" for a birthday present once - pieces of toilet paper folded into squares with pieces of tape on top.

[–]hebdriwan 171 points172 points  (18 children)

How do you even do that?

[–]ImALittleCrackpot 507 points508 points  (7 children)

Dad had a hand-cranked grinding wheel attached to his workbench. The sparks from the screwdrivers were really pretty.

[–]PancakeQueen13 802 points803 points  (4 children)

I lied about so many things to my best friend growing up. She always seemed cooler than me, so I had to one up her with really stupid lies. The worst was when she got a pet budgie, so I told her I had a pet SEAGULL. My family trapped the seagull and put a band around it's ankle, so I always could see which one was Tina from the colour of the band in the sky. The saddest part was she believed me for a good two months...and until she was old enough to go "wait a minute...", because I just said summer was over and Tina the seagull went South, and I just never mentioned her again.

We're still friends and she took my wedding to relay this story.

[–]aslan-azjo 389 points390 points  (13 children)

I was terrified of the dark. I still kind of am, but it was 100 times worse as a kid. I went to a Catholic school and our teacher told us stories about the Virgin Mary appearing to kids. I came home howling, terrified out of my wits that she would appear to me in the dark. In my head I made a deal with her that if she was planning on appearing to me, could she please do it in broad daylight preferably when I wasn't alone.

I told my mother about this fear one day and she laughed and said, "Why would she appear to you?"

[–]mvicsmith 67 points68 points  (4 children)

Haha, being raised Catholic I relate to this so much. We bravely turned off the lights in the church basement bathroom and said "bloody mary" three times... then someone flushed the toilet and we lost our shit lol. I remember making "Deals" in my prayers with God, Jesus, etc. "If I say one cuss word I promise I'll say something nice to someone to make up for it!"

[–]TheRealOneTwo 3658 points3659 points  (52 children)

My mom sent me to my room and said wait until your father gets home. I decided to run away rather than face that, so I escaped out the window. As I was walking down the street a few blocks away, who do I walk into to? Dad on his way home from the bus stop after a long day downtown. We walked back and talked the entire way.

We got home and I had some splainin to do as my bedroom door was locked and I had not told my dad I was in trouble. No idea what I did, but I am sure I was terrorizing a neighbor

[–]sarah-xxx 754 points755 points  (37 children)

Wow imagine if you hadn't ran into your father while you were running away.

[–]papajustify99 661 points662 points  (28 children)

I have always wondered if there are kids out there who actually run away and never come back and go on to live normal happy lives? Every story I hear the kid always comes back in some funny way.

[–]Jacobenst 761 points762 points  (11 children)

Because the ones who don’t come back usually die sooner rather than later.

[–]Nosfvel 215 points216 points  (6 children)

Turns out that exposure claims you pretty quickly if you've just got a jacket and a backpack on.

[–]skylarmt 400 points401 points  (3 children)

Doesn't help if the backpack only has teddy bears and scooby-doo VHS tapes.

[–]Sweetjones1212 371 points372 points  (10 children)

When I was really small I pretended to be a vacuum and sucked up random crumbs and dirt off the floor.

[–]Djdanny90999 2197 points2198 points  (25 children)

Ate the balls from hungry hippos game

[–]RobotsInATrenchCoat 678 points679 points  (19 children)

I've told this story before, but in kindergarten I was playing tag with this other kid and he stopped suddenly. Being the clumsy child I was, I ran right into him and accidentally bit him in the head and my tooth came out. So while he was sitting there crying, I was more focused on trying to see if my tooth was still in his head or on the floor so i could get it to the tooth fairy.

[–]thebrowntown12 2376 points2377 points  (84 children)

My brother and I ate an earthworm when we were little. I clearly recall him saying "it squigles all the way down your throat" after he ate his.

[–]whatsthatbutt 1107 points1108 points  (19 children)

It squiggles down your throat until it gets burned alive by my stomach acid

[–]kurogomatora 470 points471 points  (34 children)

nobody likes me

everybody hate me

im gonna eat some worms

[–]its_over9000 1749 points1750 points  (38 children)

My cousins and I tried to dig to China, and then I got stuck in the hole.

[–]LaJonquille 6510 points6511 points  (183 children)

After an argument with my parents, I decided to run away from home. I packed a huge bag with only my favourite teddies and a Scooby Doo film on VHS and sat on my next door neighbour’s wall for 2 hours until I got hungry and went back home.

[–]jseyfer 5918 points5919 points  (38 children)

“How old were you when you did that?”

“27.”

[–]TheRealOneTwo 858 points859 points  (36 children)

The teddies take on a different meaning

[–]sarah-xxx 418 points419 points  (19 children)

It was his teddies that got him in an argument with his dad in the first place..

[–]bearbasswilly 872 points873 points  (21 children)

My little brother always threatened to run away. Well one day after claiming he was running away, we didn’t see him for a couple of hours. My parents actually got worried and went out searching for him.

Turns out he had laid underneath his bed and fallen asleep. Much easier than actually running away.

[–]captcorncob 208 points209 points  (1 child)

Same, except I hung out at the corner of my street until my brother came and got me, I wasn't allowed to cross the street.

[–]obtrae 1450 points1451 points  (37 children)

I once decided to make circles in the sand. So I took a glass bottle, turned it upside down and pressed it into the sand. It was great except it needed to be deeper. So I used a rock to bang the back of the bottle whilst I used my other hand to hold the neck of the bottle. The bottle eventually broke and made a deep cut into my thumb. The scar is extremely visible.

Also, we used to get a litre of milk in plastic bags. I decided to cut the bag open with a knife. I held the knife in a way that the tip was pointing toward my body, gripped a corner of the plastic bag, poked the knife underneath and pulled the knife upward. I used a burst of energy, the knife slide through the bag and I stabbed myself inside of my nose, luckily missing my eyes. It was April 1st so my mother thought that I was playing a prank when she saw the blood.

Oh! Once my sister and I decided to make a seesaw with a 10 meter Timber and a Barrol. We didn't use any rope so as soon as we went on it, the barrol rolled, the weight shifted to her side and I catapulted like 2 meters in the air and came falling down.

[–]wawan_ 1026 points1027 points  (6 children)

How come that you're still alive...

[–]Hunk_Throwaway 167 points168 points  (8 children)

Yours is the second story ITT of someone cutting inside their nose while opening a milk bag with a knife.

[–]xovehugeyi-nezdiro 5720 points5721 points  (81 children)

When I was little, for whatever reason, I was fixated on how hilarious sneezing was. Remember that part in Beauty and the Beast where Belle's dad sneezes in his dusty workshop? I would rewind that and watch it over and over and laugh and laugh.

Fast forward to kindergarten: somehow I find out that a girl in the first grade has a terrible pollen allergy. I pick a handful of dandelions and chase her, smashing them into her face whenever I get close enough.

The plan works! She's sneezing like crazy! This is the pinnacle of humor!

But wait: she's sneezing, but she's also crying. And wheezing. And her face is swollen and red.

This was the first time my little-kid brain grasped the idea that other people might feel differently about things than you do.

[–]manawesome326 1706 points1707 points  (29 children)

And now you’re happily married for 7 years, right? Don’t leave us hanging!

[–]Nathd1991 2085 points2086 points  (21 children)

She died through anaphylactic shock unfortunately.

[–]01010010101011001 528 points529 points  (24 children)

I put my dick in a mini m&m tube and it got stuck.

[–]Rancid_Potatoes 320 points321 points  (5 children)

My 3 year old thought it would be funny to put his little pecker in a nerf gun and pull the trigger. Turns out it was loaded and bruised the fuck all out of his goober.

[–]PoliticalScienceGrad 1180 points1181 points  (35 children)

As a six-year-old I peeled a lot of lead paint chips off the carport and ate them like they were potato chips.

[–]TamLux 1297 points1298 points  (11 children)

I'm looking at your user name...

[–]0202ElectricBoogaloo 1508 points1509 points  (52 children)

I always got lost. One time I hid under my parents bed, they couldn't find me for half an hour. My mom told me I once wandered to the neighbors house and played with her baby as well. The best one though is they couldn't find me because I was climbing our chimney. I let fire ants bite me because I just finished watching Spider-Man and I wanted fire powers. The grossest shit I would do as a kid was eat sandwiches, but it was just ketchup and sliced bread.

[–]UnderestimatedIndian 1052 points1053 points  (7 children)

I let fire ants bite me because I just finished watching Spider-Man and I wanted fire powers.

Not gonna lie, this is some pretty advanced logic for a small child

[–]afkbot 890 points891 points  (19 children)

When I was in third grade, I climbed a basketball hoop(the metal collapsible kind) to see how it felt like to dunk. It collapsed on my leg and broke it into three pieces. Got a kick ass halloween prop though. I was a skeleton with a full leg cast and crutches.

Also, when I was younger, I used to put a radio power adapter between my lips while it was plugged in. It felt funny and kept on doing it until my grandfather who was raising me at the time saw it and freaked out. Btw, the adapter lowers the voltage and all you feel is a slight buzz of sorts, no pain.

[–]adriellealways 137 points138 points  (2 children)

Also, when I was younger, I used to put a radio power adapter between my lips while it was plugged in. It felt funny and kept on doing it until my grandfather who was raising me at the time saw it and freaked out. Btw, the adapter lowers the voltage and all you feel is a slight buzz of sorts, no pain.

Uh. I thought that was a taste, not a sensation. Oops.

[–]Scrappy_Larue 237 points238 points  (7 children)

Sawed the corners off of the wooden coffee table, because my 2-year-old sister had recently bumped her head there and cut herself.

[–]German_Camry 67 points68 points  (3 children)

Kinda smart to be honest.

[–]BOLD_1 113 points114 points  (2 children)

then you have two corner

corner win every time

[–]Oragami 1752 points1753 points  (98 children)

Shaved my eyebrows off

[–]lurkercompelled2post 761 points762 points  (26 children)

I shaved my widow's peak because it really bothered me when I just wanted that patch of hair to lay straight. Got away with it for a few days before my mom noticed it growing back in.

Now as an adult, whenever she thinks something is off about my hair she asks if I shaved off my widow's peak again haha.

[–]stewiesaurus 1369 points1370 points  (25 children)

I couldn't really tell the difference between 'small' and 'far away' as a kid so I tried to swim to a light house and almost drowned because of a rip tide.

I also put cake in my ears because I wanted 'to hear what tasty sounded like'

[–]TheMarchHopper 345 points346 points  (9 children)

Well? What did it sound like?

[–]stewiesaurus 563 points564 points  (8 children)

It was like a conch shell, but instead of the sea, all I could hear were Oompa Loompas.

[–]Just_call_me_Marcia 594 points595 points  (12 children)

My siblings and I LOVED "Jesus Christ Superstar" and would often act along while we watched the tape. My older sister would be Mary, and younger brother Judas. One day "Mary" pointed out that "Judas" skipped the big scene at the end where he hung himself, so I enthusiastically grabbed my jump rope and tied one end to the banister, the other end around my little brother's neck.

It's a really good thing I couldn't yet tie knots.

Our mom was in just the other room while all this went down, maybe 30 feet away and oblivious.

[–]nat_dot 1529 points1530 points  (66 children)

Ate leaves off of trees, stuck confetti up my nose and had to get it removed by a doctor, and dug a hole under our house foundation and filled it up with water to build a swimming pool

[–]GlitterTitsYo 940 points941 points  (30 children)

I did the leaves thing too! I called them tree stars and said I was Littlefoot every time I ate one.

[–]nat_dot 281 points282 points  (14 children)

I used to pretend I was a giraffe!

[–]obtrae 148 points149 points  (9 children)

Have you ever seen two giraffes having a neck fight?

[–]obtrae 184 points185 points  (4 children)

I tiled the hole and filled it with water. Then I forgot about it. A month later we were getting bitten by a lot of mosquitoes and didn't know why...

[–]Trummerlotte 3896 points3897 points  (70 children)

Once in elementary school there was a fire drill. They had told us for about 2 weeks that it was going to happen so that we wouldn't freak out once it happened.

The day of the fire drill comes, we hear the bell and teachers and students leave the building. So our teacher is standing outside, counting all of her students when she realises that one of them is missing. She looks around, all worried, when one of her students exclaims "Teacher, Trummerlotte isn't here!"

The teacher reenters her class room to find me crying under a school table because I had thought that it was real so I hid under a table so that the flames won't find me.

I was not a smart child.

[–]Nathd1991 687 points688 points  (16 children)

If it was an earthquake though you'd have been golden.

[–]Trummerlotte 325 points326 points  (12 children)

Yeah but I doubt that earthquakes are that common in Germany

[–]Hichann 519 points520 points  (2 children)

That's just what the earthquakes want you to think

[–]AlexanderGT8 215 points216 points  (15 children)

In our school they didn't warn us of fire drills and I remember some students crying as we went outside. The rest of us were like: "It would be way too interesting if there actually was a fire."

[–]delphine1041 173 points174 points  (7 children)

My best (read, only) friend in grade school lived on a street that dead-ended into a giant chain-link fence topped with barbed wire. Beyond the fence was a dumping area used by the glass factory one block over. It was, quite literally, a giant hole in the ground filled with broken glass. From tiny shards to great flat lengths the size of card tables. It was likely no bigger than a couple acres, but as a kid it seemed endless -- hills of broken glass glinting in the sunlight.

Each time we'd go outside to play my friend's mother would tell us not to go near the fence -- sometimes glass would come through the link and the area around the fence line was littered with it. We usually obeyed, but sometimes the siren song was just too strong and we'd slither beneath the fence and PLAY IN A GIANT PIT OF BROKEN GLASS. We especially liked finding large panes and attempting to "surf" them down the hill of shards. Or tossing large rock-like blobs of glass into the hills to see how much of an avalanche we could create. It was a lot of fun. But pretty dumb.

[–]ERstateofmind 1752 points1753 points  (28 children)

Hooked a car battery up to a power wheel.

Too heavy in the back and it popped wheelies.

Put bricks in the front to even the weight out, it still did a wheelie and the bricks hit me in the face.

Close second to breaking my leg two years in a row hitting the same tree while sledding.

[–]SeriesOfAdjectives 1618 points1619 points  (51 children)

This one is really gross. My little bro and I (6 and 8 years old respectively) once made a 'poop soup' in a big rubber tote (bin) filled with rainwater, leaves, sticks dirt, dog poop and some...not dog poop.

[–]obtrae 587 points588 points  (16 children)

I used to take a plastic bottle, put tons of leaves in it and leave it in the sun for two weeks. After that, the leaves would dry up and the water would collect at the bottom. I used this water to make stink bombs.

[–]selkiesftw 1057 points1058 points  (74 children)

Ate an entire bottle of Flintstone Vitamins with my older brother when we were 5 and 4 years old. Not my proudest moment.

[–]lurkercompelled2post 941 points942 points  (39 children)

I did something like this. Purple was my favorite.

Then I had a crying fit because I worked out the warning about iron that was on the bottle. Thought I would die from having eaten too many. I resolved that if it was my time to go then it was my time, because there would be no way I was gonna explain to my parents I had eaten all the vitamins. I put the empty bottle back in the cabinet and pretended to take them before school like normal. One day my mom got more after she thought I had run out of them. No one ever found out about my brush against doom.

[–]simmeh-chan 1495 points1496 points  (13 children)

Your.... yabbadabbadoom.

[–]SendBoobJobFunds 139 points140 points  (21 children)

I feel like I’m the only kid who thought these were gross.

[–]mokachahan 159 points160 points  (11 children)

I HATED those things. They tasted horrible and their gritty texture made me gag. My sister and I would pretend to take our vitamins before we got into the school bus and then throw them out.

...or let them dissolve under our tongues for a ridiculously long time because we couldn't bring ourselves to chew them. We weren't smart kids.

[–]aragorn-1 911 points912 points  (15 children)

I used to eat tiny stones in the vegetable patch at the bottom of the garden. Not big stones, only super small round stones. Anyway turns out the stones were badger shit

[–]ZyuMammoth 331 points332 points  (3 children)

There were a good number of kids at my bus stop and we used to line up our book bags and try to long jump over them. So many times someone would catch their foot on a bag or land short and bust their face before school. The bus driver thought we had a fight club going.

[–]Sergeant_Sriracha 478 points479 points  (7 children)

Playing on the monkey bars kept causing the fifty pence peace I had in my pocket to fall out. Had the great idea to hold it in between my teeth instead. Went fine until I inverted and swallowed it... Got lodged in my throat, panicked, ran to the patio doors turning blue and started banging on them for attention. Luckily my mum who is a nurse came rushing out and through back slaps got it to dislodge and promptly vomited up the ice cream I'd bought earlier.

Parents were distraught and quite upset at how bad it could have been, I was just concerned about my money.

[–]Bogrom 157 points158 points  (14 children)

Playing with a friend and we wanted to go swimming so we cut giant holes in my mom's waterbed and jumped in and splashed around.

[–]PostyMcPostertun 302 points303 points  (7 children)

Caught spiders so they could bite me and I could become Spiderman

[–]Bronzeplayz 293 points294 points  (11 children)

I was fascinated by cheeks and how smooth they were. Needless to say, I touched everyone’s cheeks at kindergarten. I still enjoy a good smooth cheek to feel up.

[–]RawHakka 1375 points1376 points  (27 children)

When I around 8 I thought farting on my cat was the funnies thing ever. At first she didn't react much, but the more I did it, the more she seemed to hate me.

This lasted until one I got a little ballsy, snuck up on my cat, pulled down my pants, and just a started to unleash a long and loud human hydrogen bomb and that poor cat's face, she scratched the shit out of my ass.

Needless to say I didn't do it anymore after that.

[–]SoapyRibnaut 505 points506 points  (12 children)

A brief flirtation with pyromania when I was about 7 or 8 ended up with me and a friend burning down about an acre of scrubland that we used to play in. Never got found out for that either.

[–]ozzymandez 127 points128 points  (3 children)

I was a big Jeff Hardy fan with a trampoline so I jumped off a shed in my back garden trying to do a Swanton Bomb.

Missed the bloody trampoline.

[–]jishamoukov 253 points254 points  (5 children)

Once when I was like 3/4 I decided to surprise my parents and paint their white cabinet for free... using my moms pink lip stick... we even have pictures and everything in a photo album we have somewhere at my moms house

[–]-eDgAR- 636 points637 points  (21 children)

So much stupid shit, here are just some of the things:

I stuck my hand into the pilot light of the heater of my great aunt's house because it was blue fire and I wanted to see if that would be cold. It wasny long enough to do any permanent damage, but I did learn that blue flames are indeed very hot as well.

I used to make parachutes for my action figures using plastic grocery bags and one day I decided to use a larger bag as a parachute for myself and jump off the roof. Luckily my dad actually saw me right before I did it so I didn't seriously injure myself.

I tried to prank my parents by pretending I was locked in the bathroom. I stuck a walkie talkie in there and through an elaborate string mechanism I devised, was able to lock the door from the outside. I hid in the closet of my room, which had a perfect line of light to the bathroom, with the walkie talkie. My dad immediately knew I wasn't in the because I was louder trying to talk into the walkie talkie than I was on the actual thing. He was extremely mad because they actually had to break the lock of the door in order to get into it again.

I used to think that if you plucked a hair from your head with the root intact, you could plant it anywhere on your body. I desperately tried for months to grow hair on my fingertips because I thought it would be weird and cool.

I legitimately tried to grow a rainbow using Skittles after that fucking commercial came out. My parents encouraged this too and I was out there very day for months watering my rainbow patch. I bet they thought it was hilarious and hell, I would probably to the same to my kid. I just feel bad that I wasted those Skittles instead of eating them.

[–]nikoli_uchiha 302 points303 points  (10 children)

Being the kind of kid that liked to break things to see how they work, I thought it would be a good idea to break a light bulb.

As I was trying to reconnect the filament I realised I hadn't unplugged the lamp.

I was stuck to the prongs. I remember thinking "shit, my little sister is going to see me die" just as my fingers jolted from the prongs.

Must have been about 9.

[–]HessuCS 213 points214 points  (2 children)

When I watched married.. with children as a kid I clapped and fake shout laughed to the tv when they made jokes. I thought that the audience laugh I heard from sitcoms came from the tv so I wanted to sit close and shout and laugh at the tv, hoping that other people somewhere around the globe will hear me

[–]jseyfer 970 points971 points  (22 children)

My dad had a big pan he used for oil changes. I was home alone and saw it in the backyard on the patio and thought- “I wonder what would happen if I threw a lit match in there?”

I found out.

🔥 WHOOOSH!!! 🔥

[–]eyekwah2 281 points282 points  (14 children)

Oil burns. Who woulda thought?

[–]jseyfer 269 points270 points  (5 children)

I um... I thought it was maybe just something they put in movies. 😥

[–]shaistorm 440 points441 points  (25 children)

When i was a toddler i used to love licking walls? Dont ask

[–]vrsick06 275 points276 points  (14 children)

Smoked toilet paper. Just rolled up toilet paper. I thought you could smoke anything and I wanted to be cool. I took one big puff and thought I was going to die.

[–]Cheeseplay 92 points93 points  (3 children)

Crushed my neighbor kids entire hot wheels collection with a vise

[–]elizabnthe 397 points398 points  (23 children)

I got stuck in a rabbit cage when I was really young. I wanted to pet our rabbits but they ran away from me, so being small I simply crawled in after them.

The problem was it was a long thin cage so I could get in no problem, but turning around and getting out was an issue. My mother came to my rescue but I've never quite lived it down.

I also got a bead stuck really far up my nose and ended up having to go to the hospital to get it out. The doctors were experienced in dealing with this apparently-I was not the first.

[–]Sickaburn 171 points172 points  (5 children)

When I was 7, I thought it would be hilarious prank calling random places. I remember just randomly pressing numbers on the landline until there was a ringing sound. When someone answered, I would say some stuff a 7-year-old would find it funny then hang up and giggling uncontrollably. Finally, I decided to do something extra mile and call the 911 emergency line. I don't remember what I said but I know it was some dumb shit. I did it several times and I stopped because my parents yelled and punishmed me when they looked at our mail box and found a fine for the prank calls I did on 911 a couple days later.

[–]lexicalwizardry 313 points314 points  (1 child)

Thanks for reminding me to take my birth control guys

[–]crazy_chicken_lady 237 points238 points  (16 children)

I hooked our 6 whippets up to my skateboard, then took them out on the road. Went pretty well, until they saw a rabbit and puled me into blackberries.

I smoked cat nip...yeah, won't do that again. Same story for snorting instant coffee...

[–]wawan_ 485 points486 points  (21 children)

I treated my peepee as sentient and always put them it out during my time at the kindergarten to let it breathe and take a look around

Edit:grammar

[–]aerodynamicvomit 75 points76 points  (0 children)

I was 7ish, in the bathroom, picked up my mom's razor and ran it on my arm in the same direction of the hair. I didn't see any get cut. So I thought then, obviously, that you shave against the grain and if you're running with the grain, it's just brushing the hair. So I brushed my eyebrows.

Mom painted on my eyebrows for a long-ass time after that.

[–]PatientFM 74 points75 points  (1 child)

I ended up with my foot stuck in the fork of a tree where fire ants had built an nice, sizeable mound and had to scream for my parent's help while covered nearly head to toe in ants.

Twice.

[–]whatisthis911 147 points148 points  (2 children)

my older sister tried to break my leg once because no one in our family had ever had a cast (aka stupid kid logic). she climbed to the top of our bunk bed and dropped a toy chest on me repeatedly while I was covered with a blanket (to prevent pain I guess?!). Didn’t work. The story cracked my mom up when we told her 10+ years later though

[–]Nasturtiums_and_Beer 73 points74 points  (0 children)

Me and my pal found some spray paint left by road workers near the town hall. We ran around spraying it all over the roads, the trees, the fence posts, then realised that our shoes had acrued a yellow coating. No amount of wiping could remove the lemon sheen so we concocted a story about being chased by a bigger boy armed with spray paint. I still squirm thinking about my friend's mother asking concerned questions like what our assailant looked like and us just looking at the ground. What must she have thought?

Another time I was with a pal who was obsessed with permanent markers. We found some road works signs that had been abandoned for the weekend and got to work. When we stood back to admire the road sign's enormous stiffy we were hit by a sudden terror and tossed the sign into a nearby river. No tell tale signs this time!

Thinking about it, I have a lot of stories about 10-13 year olds committing mild property damage. There isn't a great deal else going on in rural Scotland.

[–]FrostingDumpster 318 points319 points  (12 children)

When I was 5 I ate an almost quarter-sized gemstone. I saw the stone in a broach on mannequin at a department store. I somehow took it off of her, brought it home and picked the gemstone off of the broach with a fork. I thought that if I ate it, I would turn shiny and beautiful like the stone. I chased it with some juice and proudly told my mother what I had done- and was in the ER 10 minutes later. She had to keep taking me back for x-rays until it passed.

[–]Rockey313 724 points725 points  (22 children)

When I was 5 I tried to take off a girl's bra... in a Victoria's Secret magazine.

When I was 9 I called the police saying my father pushed my mother down the stairs. She was sleeping and he was at work.

When I was 11 my sisters & I painted our parents' TV with nail polish and lipstick.

[–]WildBluebonnet 398 points399 points  (7 children)

What possessed you to call the police? Boredom?

[–]Rockey313 339 points340 points  (6 children)

I honestly don't remember. I just know I got a big ass whooping. Maybe it was boredom.

[–]snakeoil-huckster 163 points164 points  (6 children)

My sister told her teacher my parents pushed her down the stairs. In reality she slid down the stairs on her butt, but tumbled the last few steps. CPS got involved

[–]PM_CUPS_OF_TEA 267 points268 points  (3 children)

My 33yo brother, a chef, loves to tell people he doesn't drink tea because mom threw a kettle of boiling water over him when he was a child and now he's so traumatised he has to get the sous chef to drain pasta etc.. at work.

In reality, he was 4, put a laundry basket over his himself and was going around the kitchen pretending to be a Dalek, he took the basket off, it hit the kettle and spilled over him. He doesn't even remember it and just doesn't like tea.

[–]im_not_a_psychic 509 points510 points  (39 children)

I used to stand both my hands' index and middle fingers downwards on a table, as if they were legs (like an upside-down peace sign). Then i proceeded to pretend they were fighting eahother. I did it a lot.

[–]Gymbawbi 312 points313 points  (6 children)

If you do it with your ring finger and middle finger it gives your pinky and index finger a real mean saunter if you walk across a surface as if your ring and middle finger were legs. Good stuff.

[–]Hunk_Throwaway 166 points167 points  (2 children)

I'm doing this right now at brunch and can confirm; it's a very menacing saunter.

I need a little cowboy hat to strap on top of my hand.

[–]neutrinosarewierd 140 points141 points  (11 children)

When I was like 4, my dad had just come home from work. He parked the scooter in the driveway and I just ran to the scooter. My mom saw me playing with the tire and thought it'd be harmless. When she next came to check, I was in front of the wheel, spinning it down and had put my tongue on it to acquire the most effective lick. I vomited a minute or two later.

I was a goddamn nuisance when I was a child, no idea how my parents dealt with it. My parents never let me hear the end of my own shenanigans.

Another day, my dad went to a business meeting and he was sorta invited to get the family along. Mom and dad sat on the table, were probably having lunch, they hear a loud SPLASH. Dad went to check it out and apparently there was this duck that I was chasing for a while and it kept evading me. Then it ran into the water and so did little stupid me. Dad just came in the nick of time and pulled me out; got his pants drenched in the process.

They're still surprised by the fact that I turned out to be an okay 18 year old because they didn't really expect much discipline from a toddler who licks scooters, chases ducks into ponds, falls off the bed because he didn't see the end, butchers someone else's birthday cake because he felt like it, bites his dad (they put an end to that then and there tho), was ready to jump out of a balcony because he saw an actor do it in a movie, cut a charger open because he wanted to see what flows through, had his hands tied behind him because he wouldn't apologize and was later caught with a scissor trying to cut them and much more.

[–]sm1ttysm1t 136 points137 points  (4 children)

I need to preface this by saying, DON'T FUCKING DO IT. I was a dumb, short-sighted kid who did dumb, short-sighted things that could have hurt someone.

Seriously. I don't know how I didn't get myself or someone else killed.

Back in high school we played a game called "Pull Teddy." We'd put a teddy bear (or coonskin cap) on a fishing hook/rod, string it across the road, and as cars came we'd reel it in.

The idea was to get people to lock up their brakes because "HA!". We did it 2 or 3 times and my dad caught wind of us talking about it one day.

I remember having a conversation with him where he sat me down and said, "Look, you're a teenage boy. I get it. You're going to do teenage boy things. As long as you're safe, I'll understand. But if you do something to hurt yourself or someone else or if a cop comes knocking at my door, I'm going to fucking destroy you."

That was "the line" for me. Before doing something with "the boys," I always thought ahead, "Will this get me or someone else hurt or will it end with a cop showing up at my house?"

If the answer was a yes to any of those, I didn't do it. That's when Pull Teddy stopped. I think I was about 15 or 16. My son is 9 now and I'll have that same conversation with him when the time comes.

Don't do stupid shit, kids.

[–]cursed-username 195 points196 points  (2 children)

when I was about 5 years old I told the other kids at school I had fire powers. I think that was the point at which everyone realised I was a loser, and being a complete idiot, I thought doubling down on my story and adding "ice powers" into the mix would make them like me. It didn't.

[–]PM_ME_LIMERICKS 64 points65 points  (3 children)

Oh, a couple things...

When I was 5/6 I had an idea to put a rubber band around my head, and stretched the front over a doorknob to see how far it would stretch. When it finally snapped off and hit me in the forehead it left a HUGE welt.

Bungee-corded my own hands and tied myself to a lamppost facing out. After I realized I was stuck I just kinda stood there until my mother came out to check on me.

Oh, and I dyed my face blue once. Food coloring and foundation makeup. Why? Because why not? Took 2-3 weeks to come off.

[–]haus-of-mel 377 points378 points  (16 children)

Mum and Dad bought a new fish tank, it was huge and had all kinds of fish inside. It was our first time seeing a fish tank so we were fascinated. Then one day we decided to “save” the fish from drowning and scooped them all out and put them on the floor.

[–]bearbasswilly 62 points63 points  (9 children)

I have all male brothers and all male cousins. Needless to say when we got together, there was generally trouble. Here are the ones that come to mind quickly:

  • cooking hot dogs on a radiator/furnace
  • making the younger ones eat/drink large quantities of weird stuff like grass or bath water
  • digging an enormous hole, a utility truck later got stuck in.
  • trapping younger cousins in said hole.
  • setting up a roadside stand and charging money to pet our dog.
  • seeing what happens when you mix poop and Coca Cola
  • turning off the neighbors electricity (before you think that’s mean, there’s a entirely different story as to why they deserved it)
  • lighting big cardboard boxes on fire and then seeing if you could crawl all the way through them.

Those are just the ones that pop in my mind quickly. My uncle eventually banned us from his house for leaving a roof hatch on a travel trailer open and letting rain in, which soaked everything. We accepted that. What has actually happened was that we locked another cousin in on his way to the bathroom and he peed all over it.

Edit: Woah, sorry guys, I left for the weekend. To answer all the questions:

The neighbors: So, there were two neighbor boys that just weren't right. They would do stuff like come over while we were playing a game of pickup football and ask to play. Then when we threw them the ball, they'd try to shove it down the sewer drain! Just weird anti-social, spiteful stuff like that. They weren't bullies, they were like nerds that were angry at the world and decided to take it out on everyone around them.

So one day, my younger brother and younger cousin (we'll call them Tom, my brother, and Alex my cousin) decide to put these kids to the test. To see if deep down they were really actually alright guys. The plan, in its simplest form, was to put Tom in jeopardy and see if the neighbors would come and try and help out.

How to carry out such a plan you ask? Simple.

You see, they knew Tom and me (we were neighbors) but had never actually met our cousins, including Alex. So, one day, when we saw them, we had Alex (the cousin) get on top of Tom and act like he was beating the shit out of him. Just kicking him and calling him names and giving it to him good.

What would the neighbors do? Deep down, despite everything, would they step in to save their neighbor Tom when he was being violently beaten by a "stranger"?

Instantly the neighbor kid springs in to action, sprinting over. We were like "Oh, Shit!" deep down he really is an alright guy. On his way to the fracas, neighbor kid stops and pulls one of those thin limbs off a tree that you can basically whip people with. We were like "WOOOAH, he even means business."

Neighbor kid sprints to the scene of the fight AND STARTS BEATING TOM WITH THE SWITCH. You see, when he saw Tom in "danger" instead of rendering aid, he decided to heap it on more and beat the shit out of Tom himself while he was at it.

It was on that occasion, we knew neighbor kid needed to learn a lesson. We waited until they were gone and turned out the power. They claimed it ruined everything in their fridge and freezer. Who knows.

Oh, and the poop and coca-cola, it really just fizzed quite a bit. Pretty underwhelming actually.

[–]data_dawg 61 points62 points  (1 child)

In the third grade I brought a ring with me to school. For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to use it to scrape boogers out of my nose. Idk. Well I pushed it up too far and couldn't get it out so I started panicking. I went to the bathroom and I'm frantically jamming fingers up my nose but nothing is coming out. Finally, crying and convinced it was gonna go up into my brain and kill me, I went to the nurse. She calls my mom and we go to the doc who pulls it out easily with some pliers. He laughs and asks me if I wanna keep the ring. I did not and I learned my lesson that only fingers go up the nose.

[–]thxxx1337 117 points118 points  (3 children)

Stare at the sun contests

[–]Sickaburn 380 points381 points  (18 children)

Shoplifted, ranging from robbing convenient stores to electronic stores. I loved the thrill and the idea of getting stuff for 'free'. It was fun thinking I was a smart kid for getting away with it and using different tricks to get past the doors with stolen goods with me. I had an ego where me getting away meant I was proving I was smart and the people who worked there were dumb as hell for not noticing. Since I was a scrawny Asian kid with an innocent face, I was one of the last person to ever be suspected as a shop lifter. I eventually stopped when I reached high school and realized what I was doing was wrong and immature.

[–]snarksneeze 249 points250 points  (6 children)

When I was 4 I learned that fires require oxygen to burn and that if left in an enclosed space the fire will consume all of the oxygen and go out.

So logically I performed an experiment. Using the stove, I lit a small piece of paper and threw it in the trash can. I then placed the trash can in the closet and firmly shut the door.

After a few minutes the smoke was bad enough that I had to open the back door. My older sister was freaking out but I calmed her down by explaining the experiment to her. She calmly went down the hall and explained it to Mother, letting her know everything was well in hand.

Mother was not so patient. She ran through the house in her underwear and pulled open the closet door. The sudden in rush of air caused the fire to explode, flames and embers flew everywhere across the kitchen. Grabbing the melting trash can with her bare hands, she threw it outside and screamed at my sister to fill a pot with water. Dousing the flames in the closet took a few minutes, so I grew bored and went out to watch the trash can melt into a small puddle as the rest of the trash burned away.

All of the smoke and Mother's constant cursing at the top of her lungs drew the neighbors to the scene, all of whom started grilling me for details. As I was patiently explaining my hypothesis to an elderly old man from next door, I was yanked from behind and drug into the house by Mother, who had not bothered to finish dressing before coming outside for me.

It was a very interesting day, though it ended sort of badly for me.