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What mistakes did you make in your early relationships that learned from and no longer make?

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A relationship should be a partnership, not a competition. Don't cultivate contempt.

Also, sunk-costs; just because a relationship is x-years old doesn't mean it is worth keeping. Don't stay with someone who cultivates contempt.

This may be the best response on this post. Contempt is the best relationship killer there is. Fights? Miscommunication? The other person does something stupid? These may be indicators of deeper issues to work through, but you can work through them if you're on the same team. (Hence, "Love is a choice.") Not always worth the fight, but that's a decision for you to make.

But contempt? It puts you on different teams. You don't have each other's back and feel vindicated when the other fails. It's natural to feel a little contempt sometimes, but if you don't kill that contempt quickly, it grows into a weed that will kill your relationship.

But contempt? It puts you on different teams. You don't have each other's back and feel vindicated when the other fails. It's natural to feel a little contempt sometimes, but if you don't kill that contempt quickly, it grows into a weed that will kill your relationship.

I think a lot of people who grew up in families full of contempt also take a long time to recognize it in others or themselves.

This is why, folks, its really fucking bad to "stick it out" for the children. Your kids mirror your behavior and they learn that contempt is what is normal and expected. Even if they don't have contempt in themselves, they will have blinders on about recognizing it as a red flag in their later relationships.

I have no relationships with any of my siblings because I grew up in a house full of contempt. It took me a long time to realize what it was because I was in it for so long.

In the good old days of the early mid-60's when I was a hatchling, a divorced woman was used goods, and if she had kids...forget it. My mother never dated (I had to take care of you). My grandmother raised us basically; mum was another sister.

I have no relationships with any of my siblings because I grew up in a house full of contempt. It took me a long time to realize what it was because I was in it for so long.

Yep. My mother was weak, which my grandmother found contemptible. I grew a spine and didn't toe the line, so I was contemptible. My sister married to get out to an abusive guy. She was stuck with him with 4 kids. I sowed my wild oats for a couple of years, then settled down and have a kid, a house and a hubby who puts up with me and my foibles. I really don't have much contact with my sister since I don't trust her.

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This times a million. Describes my failed marriage to a T. She hated my successes in life and loved seeing me fail. Relished in it, really. It was too deep rooted that absolutely trying to salvage anything was worthless because she was ALWAYS going to feel that way and treat everything like a competition. Stayed way too long and it’s absolutely no way to live.

Can you give an example of contempt in a relationship?

When you want your partner to fail because you envy their success.

Any point where you would be happy to see them suffer, including making them suffer merely because you are suffering too. (a common symptom of BPD btw.)

When you hate their presence for days or weeks on end and in fact relish them being away from you.

When you deep down cannot get over the idea they are 100% to blame for something, especially a personal pain, and you cannot get over it. (Even if they are at fault, either you get over it or you end the relationship...that's the right thing to do)

When you hate fuck them more than you are their lover.

When you treat your children or pets or anything they care about deeply like pawns or collateral in a game to get them to act in a certain way. They aren't a person to you anymore, merely a tool.

Any physical abuse, yelling or name-calling.

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370 points · 6 months ago

Don't make continuous sacrifices for a person who neither appreciates or reciprocates. You'll end up burning yourself up, and they'll just get angry that you can't keep up the giving because now they feel entitled.

"The gift of gratitude is unable to be given"

I'm...torn right now.

My girlfriend's current job pays peanuts and I have to pay for EVERYTHING we do as a result. She doesn't drive but she seems to be absolutely over the moon for me. I have to put in a LOT of work for this relationship. I like the gratitude but gah, hope we get outta this phase soon.

If you're living comfortably enough that you can (sorta) support her in addition to herself, and you really think that she's working to get herself to a point where she can repay you, maybe it's worth it. Maybe it's not. I loaned my girlfriend 200 dollars when she lost one of her two jobs. I told her it was so that she could get by until she got a hold of finances. She shouldn't pay me back until she's got bare minimum 500 dollars in the bank already (enough for at least 1 month of rent and plenty of food).

I'm comfortable. I can handle giving her that much. To me, her happiness and well-being is payoff for the support. Nobody can tell you how you should run the relationship, but my advice is to just think about how you feel, and bring up with her (hopefully in a way that doesn't offend her) how you feel sorta slighted by the situation. Then sit down and help her plan how to get out of that hole and support her through that. More than you paying for her, you helping her to pay for herself is the better thing for a boyfriend to do. Trust me on that one.

Base financial contribution to a relationship on time not pay. If she is putting in her 40 hrs and matching your effort, she is doing her share. There may come a day where your hourly rate of pay may be less than hers. If you enjoy time together, money should not be that important. Ex: if you make twice as much as her, she should pay a third of the bills. If it is still a strain you could adjust your lifestyle or leave the relationship.

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5 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

This is exactly why my 12 year relationship ended this year. I have been working two jobs, seven days a week right after going through three surgeries so that we could barely pay our mortgage. My boyfriend lost his job in the trades and was unemployed for nearly a year, then was basically handed a barely part time job at a diner, never really looking for a job in the meantime, or picking up the slack at home.

All the while, I was still handling all the running the household stuff, finances, and supporting him through his anxiety and depression. He literally had not stepped foot in our building's laundry room until 3 years after we moved in, and only because I didn't have the time to wash his uniform before work one day.

Not to mention, he did not support me through my mental health issues, or physical complications from surgery. I called him out it, saying that I was supporting him and he did not support me; that he expected me to run both our lives while dealing with both of our mental health issues with no help from his end. His answer was that he never asked me to that I was just naturally supportive. I burned myself out mentally and physically for over a decade for someone who didn't even think supporting each other was part of a relationship. I am such a dumbass.

Sorry for the wall of text, I guess this just really hit home for me. :/ EDIT: I am such a dumbass that I can't even spell dumbass right.

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Listening to friends about what relationships are supposed to be like.

Sometimes your friends don’t actually want you to be happy and sometimes your friends are actually just terrible at relationships.

I think it's also important that people learn to limit what they vent to their friends. If you're complaining about things in the relationship to them then they'll remember these problems and it will make them judge your partner differently. They aren't experiencing the good feelings like you so they hold onto the bad feelings more. It taints their advice and can taint their opinion of your partner. I think it is important to learn that while it's healthy to communicate with friends there is such thing as over sharing. Especially when it betrays your partner's trust. I find that it's socially acceptable for women to massively betray their partner's trust to their friends and then they wonder why their friends and partner don't get along.

Best way to explain it to anyone not quite sure, imagine rather than whining about everything they do wrong or all the details of your sex life you just simply show your friends videos of it all as you've got a GoPro filming your relationship. If it's not acceptable to show as a video to your friends then consider how much you will go into detail and how they may look at your partner after.

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157 points · 6 months ago

Maintain your friendships. Just because you got a bf/gf doesn't mean seeing your friends shouldn't be a priority anymore.

But also, don't let your your friends always be a higher priority than your SO because you are trying to avoid letting your friends fall to the wayside. There are two sides of this coin, one just happens much less often. When it does happen it will completely destroy your former SO's self esteem.

Source: Couldn't take GF blowing me off to try and make her friends happy at the expense of our plans.

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Communication. Never no matter how obvious it seems assume that the other party knows why you are upset. Talk about it. They may be upset at something you did. Explain yourself. Tell them why you did it and what your intentions were so they know it wasn't meant to hurt them.

Comment deleted6 months ago(15 children)

Totally agree with this, also you both need to LISTEN. You can talk until you're blue in the face but if neither of you is actually listening to one another it's infuriating and will get you nowhere.

How you communicate is important also. Sarcasm, mockery, throwing little jabs in there just makes things worse.

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I just had to end a sort of professional/friendly relationship like that yesterday - every time I said "hey X I have a problem with you doing/saying this, could we talk about it?", X took it as an insult or laughed it off (literally "lol no bad intentions tho"); just couldn't handle it anymore.

And that was just a relatively superficial relationship, can't imagine what working through a romantic relationship like that is like, if you really care for the other person, must have taken balls to end it...

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9 points · 6 months ago

Or they passive aggressively joke about it two weeks later because they are bitter when if they had just been upfront with you when it happened, you would have just stopped whatever it was that was the issue because you are not an asshole and are willing to compromise to make them happy.

Yeah I had one of those too lol

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33 points · 6 months ago

This over everything. I am going on ~3 yrs with my partner and from the start I told her I would always tell her my feelings even if it felt really weird. And at the beginning it definitely felt very weird but after a failed and disastrous relationship before there was no way I was going to do the same thing again. And it has made all the difference in the world. Sure my partner is night and day different than my ex but I wouldn’t be nearly as happy as I am now if she didn’t hear about the little things along the way that made me happy or bothered me. Take it from someone who learned this all the hard way, it’s worth every awkward moment. Life can be so good y’all!

What if it was meant to hurt them?

Lol. Then yall probably shouldn't be together.

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203 points · 6 months ago

I'm much slower to be convinced that the person is "good" for me. I no longer nod and smile to "I'm a great guy!". I will no longer listen to those words. I am all about actions, and seeing how they treat me. Respect is huge... I won't tolerate disrespect at all.

Also, if a guy leaves me questioning our status? I'm done with that, too. I won't be committing unless someone does the same to me and makes that intention clear.

I'm interested in a guy now but while I am interested, a part of me wants to be slow, see how he acts over time, and see if I still feel like this a few months from now. Not even going to jump into dating.

Agreed. Words, words, words and no actions to back them up. It's like they'd rather think and feel that they are great people rather than do the things that make them great.

Yeah exactly. If you think you're a great guy, show me that you are.

I fell for a guy once who was all about "I'm such a good guy, trust me"... his actions showed me otherwise. He thought the smallest things were "good" and deserved a pat on the back. But then he'd do some shady things and suddenly I was "stressing him out" and that's why he was doing those things. I'm legitimately one of the chillest people out there, so for any guy to tell me I'm stressing them out means they have anxiety (which he did) and it has nothing to do with me at all.

I'm actually on higher alert if someone tells me they're a "good guy". Makes me think they really want me to believe it for some reason.

My current "love interest" (lol) tells me some things about himself, how he respects women, but I want to wait it out and see if he does really or if it's a ploy. I'm not going to be that naive girl anymore.

Tell girls I'm a bad person, got it.

Do it. then actually be a good person.

Actually, I kinda do. I try to be a good person, but I still haven't forgiven myself on a few things, so I tend to have a more critical view on myself.

We all make mistakes. It's good to recognize what mistakes you've made and to learn from them, but don't beat yourself up forever. We all deserve forgiveness.

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Don't date someone who thinks s/he's better than you.

On the flip side of this don’t date someone who thinks they’re less than you. You’ll spend a lot of time reassuring them and building a straw house of dependent false confidence

Comment deleted6 months ago(3 children)

Men like your ex need to understand women who are accomplished don't care about your profession as long you're with them 100% of the way. I do see a lot of men feeling insecure when dating a women who has done better in life than they have and constantly bring it up like a wounded puppy. What they don't realize they have chosen them.

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236 points · 6 months ago

What if my username was /laserprinter?

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This was my first marriage. Never again!

Me too. The reason he thought he was better than me? He grew up in a nicer town than I did. :/

The people who do this in my experience are always from NYC. I FUCKING GET IT! THE PIZZA IS BETTER AND WE’RE UNCULTURED SWINE! WE DON’T HAVE FOOD TRUCKS EVERYWHERE AND WE DON’T HAVE THAT NICHE SHOP THAT YOU LIKE! SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS MARK!

So how do you feel about Mark?

He's whatever. I'm over him ok, stop asking.

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NYC has a higher ratio of douchebags. Even more than LA and Miami.

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And the name of that home town? Albert Einstein.

 

Sorry I Couldn't Resist

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100% agree, this was my experience with dating a narcissist! Never again!

690 points · 6 months ago

I thought that compatibility was a matter of liking a bunch of the same stuff. That is a very superficial idea of what compatibility is.

553 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

Yeah my wife and I don't like the same music, don't like the same books, don't really have the same hobbies (except for camping and beer drinking), and even have quite different personalities, but our values align almost perfectly and we appreciate the things we do/think differently.
We both want the same thing from life, we both have the same common goal and plan to move forward, we both care deeply about the same certain issues and don't care about others.
She is extremely kind, compassionate, emotional and hard-working while I am standoffish, lazy, emotionally neutral, and don't really feel as compelled to serve others like she does.
I help her relax, have a good time, I talk her down from heightened emotional states, and I keep her from letting her big heart get her treated like a door mat, which happened quite a bit before I was around.
She gets me to open up about things I never would otherwise, she gets me to volunteer for community events I would never do otherwise, and she helps me stay organized and do things I would otherwise be too lazy to do.
She reminds me to consider others when I would normally just sit around being a selfish prick.
I clean the house and she trashes the house.
She is terrible with spatial awareness, but good with people. I'm the opposite. So I navigate and she does the talking.
It all works out quite well.

Comment deleted6 months ago(4 children)

He also does a good job of complimenting her too.

Smartalecc5 compliments SmartAlec105 on this astute post!

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Opposites attract! My wife and I are oil and water and we are at 35 years of marriage. I would not be with anyone else.

8 points · 6 months ago

I like to make the distinction that my fiancé and I are yin and yang as opposed to oil and water. But the sentiment is the same. We’re different but good teammates.

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This is so sweet and really exemplifies what it means to complement one another. Thank you for sharing with us!

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On the values thing, for sure. My gf values good financial decisions and I make terrible ones but really want to make good ones and she helps with that!

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I always remember this line from 500 Days of Summer:

"Just 'cause some cute girl likes the same bizzaro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate."

44 points · 6 months ago

Yes, it's mostly about hating the same stuff.

I think compatibility definitely is more so about values, lifestyle desires, goals, etc... rather than interests. I think having common interests is a maaaajor bonus but it comes down to what you want your life to actually look like.

I think having common interests is a maaaajor bonus but it comes down to what you want your life to actually look like.

These things can effect that though. As an example I had an interest in keeping chickens and cooking. This means we need enough land and a good sized kitchen, having my husband on board with that means we both love the house we are in.

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Communication is 10000x more important than compatibility.

Both are equally as important. A relationship without either or would not be very successful.

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Which is true but you usually need some degree of overlap in interests for things to work out.

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Don't be in constant contact with each other you don't need to talk to one another every 5 min.

Original Poster164 points · 6 months ago

True, I used to do this in my late teens, ultimately we got bored of each other. It's like how you feel sick after eating too much chocolate.

70 points · 6 months ago

I cringe when I think about my teen self dating lol

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It's usually an early relationship thing. I was like that at first I think but 10 years in and we both cringe at our friends who do this... we're kind of hypocrites I guess but it really is annoying.

You both can do different things and events without the other there!

You don't have to be a "we" all of the time lol, you're both your own people, ya know?

I made this exact mistake in my last relationship and eventually it killed it. I made myself believe it was ok since we saw each other like twice a week but still... lesson learned I guess.

My ex and I had a general rule, if we were going to see each other or call each other that night (which we did almost every night), then we didn't text each other. The reason being that if we tell each other every detail throughout the day, then by the time we actually talked to each other we would have already gone over everything.

It is so easy to text whatever is happening but when you actully see eachother then it becomes so awkward becuse you don't have anything to talk about.

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Flakiness. If the person cannot show up on time or thinks it is okay to to cancel consistently at the last minute, then they clearly do not respect your time.

Some people just cannot be punctual. I get it, used to really suffer from ADHD, would lose track of time a lot, it happens. What gets me is some people really care about others and certain things, and refuse to take any responsibility for their actions, and just set alarms, or get ready before you really need to so you have that much less chance of being late. Not to mention some people really just don't get that it can be construed as extremely immature and rude showing up late, like it's a foreign concept. Always wondered what those people did when they got a big boy/big girl job.

I agree for the most part. If you did that with work showing up late or calling in last minute, you'd be fired. It is baffling how someone will hate their job yet show up everyday and on time, but when it is someone they care about cannot be bothered with the same courtesy.

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345 points · 6 months ago

I cheated on a girlfriend in 1996. Believe it or not, it was a really important event, because the guilt was so horrific I decided never to do it again

211 points · 6 months ago

"Once a cheater, always a cheater" is bullshit. I get that people are still healing from the wounds of being cheated on, but this idea screams inexperience to me. Most people know a "cheater", but they just don't know that person cheated on someone. You really only see the "serial cheaters", everyone else is just a regular person with a complicated past.

But people who have been cheated on are not probably not willing to take that chance again.

Exactly, and it is true when you cheat on someone, you break such a bond of trust that very rarely will the person cheated on every truly be able to trust you again. Sure, they won't act on suspicions, nor mention it, but every person who's been cheated on that I've talked to still has issues getting past it and always has it in the back of their head. It can even ruin possible future relationships.

I'm just surprised at how many people willingly stay with cheaters after the fact. You have so much to lose if they did it again (being cheated on twice by the same person can really mess with someone's persona), why risk it?

I find intelligence, motivation, responsibility and ability to communicate extremely attractive as a sign of maturity and solid morals that don't bend for convenience. Someone who cheats on others instantly becomes a kid in my mind (if it was recent). It shows they're impulsive, take advantage of others, and are willing to lie to someone they're supposed to care about for their own personal gain regardless of their SO's feelings. Not saying they're horrible people, but their date potential and even possibility to be friends drops to near zero for me. That's not attractive at all to me. It removes any and all attractiveness to me because in my mind, they're still very emotionally immature and still have a lot of learning to do. Sometimes even the best therapy and support can't help someone who just enjoys cheating.

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31 points · 6 months ago

I personally would never date someone I knew cheated. Just isn't worth the risk. Maybe the changed. Maybe they didnt. There are plenty of non-cheating fish in the sea.

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Thank you. As a fellow person that made that mistake once, I'm really sick of the "once a cheater always a cheater" saying. People will more readily accept that a person who commited a serious crime can change than a person who cheated.

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116 points · 6 months ago

Only been in one relationship. Learned from previous crushes I had that the person you're interested in needs to be interested in you too.

At the start of my current relationship, I also learned not to be pushy with sex. It's a long story, but sex became a serious outlet for me for a lot of pent of emotions, but my partner's sex drive was much less intense than my own. Looking back I feel horrible about how much I pressured him, and how moody I got when he refused. Guess the whole attitude that men always want sex didn't help. Our sex life is much healthy now, and I learned a lot about respecting his needs, even when they don't match my own.

I would add to that that crushes make one understand that just because you looove someone they don't owe you shit (except for being a decent human, of course). And this applies to all types of relationships, often with overly attached parents or SOs who demand things because of how strongly they feel towards a person, that's not an objective reason.

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Do not stay in a relationship if one person is obviously more committed. You can tell them it could end and they will still expect eternity from you.

277 points · 6 months ago

I cleaned up my entire apartment, wore a sexy dress, and put on fancy perfume in anticipation of his arrival at 7 pm. Only for him to text me at midnight that he’s not showing up. Apparently he was having dinner with his family, and apparently it takes his family six hours to have dinner.

This was the second time he stood me up, so I really should have seen it coming, but I knew him since high school, and wanted to think that the first time he did it was just a mistake, especially because we’re both on the autism spectrum and may have just miscommunicated.

What’s mind boggling is that he asked me at New Years if I was doing anything. Not sitting around in my apartment crying and feeling worthless and stupid, that’s for sure.

99 points · 6 months ago

Dated a guy who did this all the time, would tell me he would be over after this or that, dinner with his parents, hangout time with is friend, and I would wait, tell my friends I had plans that night, etc. Only for him to text me hours later to say he was "tired" and this happened on a regular basis I came to just accept that it was the way it was. If I got upset he would turn it around on me and ask how I could get mad at him for being tired?

Eventually I realized he wasn't so much tired as smoking weed so much he would fall asleep. I realized where I was on his priority list too late.

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That’s not fair to you. It reminds me of what I’ve learned about dating: stay away from mean people. No matter how attractive/compatible/perfect. Don’t do mean.

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Don't pretend to like something you don't.

I had to listen to so much jazz....

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26 year old woman here. I didn’t start dating until I was 19 because I experienced trauma at a young age and wouldn’t let anyone come near me. I am also overweight, so that was an added insecurity.

But once I finally let myself date, I became extremely clingy with the guys who would give me attention. It was bad. Too much texting and checking my phone. Going too hard too fast, and admitting how strongly I felt and getting too emotional.

I’ve grown more secure now, but I still feel the urge to text all my feelings out and act-out in a reactionary way. But I stop myself and put the phone down to chill before I get crazy.

Now I have a boyfriend with mutual love. We can talk about our feelings and I can give him space and respect, even when I get those same urges.

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86 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

Not so much a mistake, more of a lesson:

“I always thought there was something romantic about fighting for someone. About winning them back. Eventual happiness.

But as I sit here with stones in my chest, where hope used to lie, I have come to realize that there is nothing lovely about having to continuously convince someone to love you.”

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If it's causing you undue stress and you're loosing sleep over it, you need to break up and take time to work on yourself.

Don’t date someone you work with. Seems obvious, but in practice, it’s hard to resist someone you’re attracted to and see every day.

Of course there are exceptions where people are committed to making it work with each other long term. But for every one of those stories, there are 20 stories of it not working out and leading to a miserable working environment.

The Office lovers wouldn't appreciate :D

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If you've been together less than a year and you consistently get into long screaming arguments, you're probably not good for each other. Just save yourself the anguish and end it.

I completely agree with this.

Source: Recently out of an almost 4 year relationship with far too many red flags early on.

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I let my exes treat me badly because they said they loved me and I figured I was being overly sensitive.

No.

If your partner is upsetting you, you tell them. Maybe they weren’t intending to and you can work it out, or maybe they were and you can tell them to fuck off and get out of your life because you deserve to be with someone who cares about your feelings.

If she cheats on her bf with you, she’ll cheat on you with her next bf.

132 points · 6 months ago

Conversely, if she cheats on one boyfriend with you, she'll probably cheat on others with you, so no need to lock it down.

Depends on how long ago it was tbh. People can change, but you should still be wary.

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I don't think this is true for 100% of people. Some people do cheat and it tears them up inside so much and it hurts their SO so much that they never do it again.

This true. I learned that the hard way but now I'm with my wonderful husband.

I think there is a few exceptions to the rule I.e stuck in toxic relationships and you get them out of them.

But that is a sign that they might be a branch swinger. They don't break up with someone until they've got someone else lined up.

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It’s okay to state what you do and don’t like. The other person is dating you, not who they think you should be. Don’t change for them and don’t expect them to change for you.

This is obviously about big fundamental things and not about things like changing the way you fold your towels.

109 points · 6 months ago

Jealousy.

Ruins everything.

34 points · 6 months ago

Its a dark little seed that, when planted inside your mind, only grows and grows if you allow yourself to have those jealous thoughts. I quickly made myself remember this and often fight the negative thoughts if I find myself getting "too jealous"

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I learned not to try to force myself to get over things that I'm really not ok with.

170 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

Not believing people who say they things like, "I'm crazy!" If they are telling you something about themselves, don't be surprised when they actually are the thing they said.

Also, abusive tells. A red flag is enough now, where as my younger self was wayyyyyyyyyyyyy to accepting of people's issues and would ignore red flags.

I didn't want to be judgmental, and I was massively niave- but I've learned to listen to my gut. (Unfortunately, it was after spending 5 years and having two kids with a physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive, cheating; and eventually, deadbeat guy.)

Don't be like me, children.

Listen to your gut and trust it. It's better for it to be wrong at a distance, than right, up close.

A lot of young people avoid abusive red flags because they are raised to be empathetic and see the good in people. There's a little spark that says "everyone is good deep down!" that can destroy you if you don't learn to put your own well being before that. I am sure men have this problem too but myself and my female friends have really suffered as a result of confronting this realization late. I am doing better now though and am glad to hear you are too. I hope we teach the next generation both the value of seeing good but also self protection and worth.

42 points · 6 months ago

The first part of this is completely true and I just learnt this lesson.

My girlfriend, from the beginning to the end of our recently ended 9 month relationship, would constantly worry at me that she didn't think she was "relationship material." It eventually devolved into us breaking up, though still friends and maybe FWB.

When someone tells you they are something, believe them. They know themselves better than you do.

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10 points · 6 months ago

Not believing people who say they things like, "I'm crazy!" If they are telling you something about themselves, don't be surprised when they actually are the thing they said.

To be fair, everyone says that shit these days. Insecurity is as common as air in this advertising driven shit culture.

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47 points · 6 months ago

Abusive people don’t change overnight. I know it’s stupid but every time my ex boyfriend apologized for abusing me and swear he’d never do it again I’d believe him.

Took me a while to figure it out but eventually I got out of there. If I ever see patterns of abuse in a relationship now, I leave. Emotionally or physically, I’m not going to try to change that person.

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19 points · 6 months ago

Don’t be a pleaser. Have the balls to make decisions with confidence and THEN check in with partner to make sure the decision suits her as well.

Not advocating making firm decisions at partners expense.

Putting women on a pedestal. I was a chubby awkward kid up until college, a late bloomer, so it was amazing to me when girls were actually starting to be interested in me. It took a long time for me to stop feeling like I was still chubby and awkward, still do sometimes. Anyway, my first few relationships I was so awed and grateful that someone actually liked me that I put them way up on a pedestal. I learned after a few relationships that people really don’t like that and just want to be treated like normal human beings, not goddesses.

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Getting my hopes up.

I’ve learned that worship does not equal love, just makes you a creepy stalker ex boyfriend who needs to move on with his life.

In the same boat now man. I texted my ex numerous times only to be completely ignored. Then I sent her an email apologizing for everything and she told me that I’m scaring her and that I should never contact her again.

it hurts beyond anything I’ve ever felt before. I’m not a creep and Ive never meant anything malicious or weird... its been months and it feels like I’ll never be able to let go of this pain.

I can feel this a little bit. One guy I used to like had to tell me to leave him alone a little but we became friends after, so I guess I didn't scare him. And it definitely is hurtful and a bit embarrassing...

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Nothing is black and white. There is always room for compromise.

Unless you're in an interracial relationship. Still room for compromise in those relationships too.

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That compatibility doesn't mean physical attraction, just as physical attraction doesn't mean shite if you're actually incompatible.

And you can want to love someone as much as possible, but if it's not there, it's just not there.

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Gentle teasing will fuck someone up over a long period of time.

28 points · 6 months ago

Bottling up feeling and pretending to be too chill. At one point I exploded and the person was like "Is that really how you view me?".

Don't ignore the little voice in your head that points out the red flags.

My only real relationship he threw out a bunch of tiny red flags about depression and self-hatred, weird, religious shit he'd internalized about how sex was bad and an odd relationship with his mother/sister/aunts and I just...sailed right on passed it. It could've ended worse, but the last year or two weren't that great for either of us.

A few months ago I started going over to a dude's house, just hanging out and sort of taking it slow. He had some very different and also very similar red flags. I ended up ghosting him after a month or so because he just...made me uneasy. Like, really uneasy and I happily moved to another country to be with guy 1 and never, EVER feared for my safety. Guy 2 never did anything scary, he just said a lot of stuff that was slightly off-kilter or passive aggressively creepy and I added it up and realized I didn't want to be alone with this guy ever again.

Listen to that voice in your head. It's never wrong.

10 points · 6 months ago

Putting a ton of effort into relationships with people that didn't do the same in kind. It's so much better to put your time and effort into relationships with people that reciprocate than ones that don't.

You can go places and do things with friends without being with each other.

I have friends who if we invite one, we get both. Even though that's not how that works...

Don't try to put the whole relationship on your shoulders. You need two to tango.

Don’t stick your dick in crazy.

20 points · 6 months ago

Not even the tip?

22 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

Actually did this once. Had to make up some excuse that my taxi was out front.

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19 points · 6 months ago

But... crazy is so much fun in bed! Who cares if she kidnaps and tortures my pets?!

It’s true they are, that’s how they get you

Alternatively, don't let crazy stick its dick in you. :/

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Don’t lie. Even tiny stuff that is inconsequential, because it becomes a reflex overtime and you find yourself starting to lie about bigger things.

Allowing myself to be absorbed by another human's existence. IE. Moving way away from friends and family to a state I had no real interest in and following his life and career around at the neglect of my own identity, career and happiness.

Always approach your life and goals as equally as important to your partners and if there's not a way to compromise and keep the relationship, then find a different relationship. Men are expendable, your single life shouldn't be!

Also, keep your own money right All The Time. Don't sit back and expect you'll always be taken care of just because you may have found a provider type in a relationship. I constantly keep a Plan B chunk of change around should I need to bug out of any relationship, long or short term. I actually don't feel a relationship is a good relationship unless I know I have the ability to leave it at any point and have the means to do so. By having the ability and means to leave, it shows I'm making an active choice to stay. Relationships are bottom line choices.

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I can help people fox themselves, but I can't fix people, no matter how much I want to.

Well foxes are pretty cool.

Well heck, I gone done a typo

Awww now I am sad the world needs more foxes.

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Lessons learnt:

Helping with cooking cleaning washing.

Trying harding to make it work early stages of issues.

Don't shrug off early warning signs of conflict in the hopes that "love will prevail." If there's a major site of unresolvable difference between you two, don't bury it. It will come back to haunt you later in the relationship.

Source: dated a girl who was a little possessive in the beginning, and a little too intense for the beginning of a relationship. Ignored it, and later it got worse and harder to extricate myself from.

Basing your happiness on this person. It's not fair to them, and it sets you up for a bad time. I'm a terribly codependent person and also a serial monogamist. I wish I could have helped myself with my issues and been emotionally self sufficient, it would have saved a lot of people including myself some grief, and I would have made better partner choices. There is nothing wrong with being alone. No other person is going to make you happy or complete.

20 points · 6 months ago

Something that’s stuck with me after seeing it here some time ago - “Confidence isn't ‘I know she likes me’, confidence is ‘I'll be okay whether she likes me or not.’”

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My first serious relationship was with someone who I was emotionally, but not physically, attracted to. It put a lot of strain on our sex life, especially since I didn't have the heart to tell her that I just get aroused by her. I learned that, as much as we talk about beauty being only skin deep, a relationship just isn't going to work unless there's some wild animal lust in there too.

Rules are toxic. As soon as one person demands that the other person follow certain rules, the relationship is over. I've seen this happen to numerous young couples. Usually it's someone jealous and insecure demanding that their SO isn't allowed to talk to a specific person because of a past issue with flirting/being hit on. If you have to take special precautions to make sure your SO isn't tempted to cheat, you've already failed.

Rules might be, but reasonable boundaries are perfectly healthy.

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When I started dating my husband I told myself I was never going to resort to calling names or insulting him if we were arguing. Too many times in my past relationship we would say horrible things to each other when we were angry or upset. Even though we would make up, Id still remember the things he’d call me and I’m sure he felt the same way. So when I realized how much I wanted a future with my husband I knew I could never have the burden of saying things you can’t take back.

Totally with you, it's like an invisible line of respect. Pretty sad but one of my parents served as a counter example for me to be able to learn: I just watched them and kept thinking "I will never stoop to saying that to a person, I will do my best to respect my partner" etc.

[deleted]
8 points · 6 months ago

Be honest with your feelings even if it's difficult. If you're not happy and trying to avoid the issue because you want to spare the other person some pain you're going to cause more for both of you. Nobody likes being left out in the cold out of nowhere.

Don't try to solve their problems, listen to them. If they ask for solutions, provide them but don't automatically jump and tell them what they should do.

Never tell your partner what they should do. It implies they are doing something wrong. The word should is a word I don't like very much because of that. I hate being told what I "should" do.

Don't talk about ex's....especially sexual experiences with ex's. Just nope.

1- Dumb is not cute.
2- No goals or aspirations are are flags.
3- Once a cheater always a cheater.
4- If she’s into celebrity gossip, you’re in for very long and boring conversations.
5- Insecurity is not cute.
6- Don’t be pressured into commitment.
7- Being hot isn’t an indicator of anything (like stuck up or stuff like that). Just give it a shot.
8- Be yourself as soon as possible.

Agree with 3 if you mean "serial cheater"; if not, people do change sometimes, but as a person above said, be very wary.

Maybe they do but I’m just not gonna be the one who takes that risk.

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I tried to change myself to fit the needs of the relationship- put my own career and education on the back burner, told myself it wasn't so bad when things happened I had said I never wanted to do (like be a mil spouse), etc. I basically gave myself an ideal to fit-

And like many ideals, I couldn't make it. That lead to unhappiness, even though my partner was a terrific man.

...

I'm not divorced and with another terrific man. The benefit of starting a relationship at 30 (versus 20), I knew who I was and what I did and did not want. Our relationship was started on full honesty and openness, which I wasn't capable of doing at 20.

Don’t try to force a relationship to work if it just doesn’t.

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5 points · 6 months ago

Don't chase anyone - ever. If they want you in their life, they will make an effort.

Never be brutally honest, have some tact.

Don’t date people you’re insecure around. Don’t date people you’re only physically attracted to. & don’t lie about dumb shit.

  • don't lie full stop, imo.

When someone ignores you, take a hint and dont keep calling him

Don't spend $500+ dollars on a person

As a mail order bride? Where do you find cheaper!

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I learned just how powerful words can be, and the importance of always thinking before you speak. Once something has been said it can't be unheard.

Don't keep dating someone you don't want to date.

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Forever is meaningless. Don't expect unconditional love. Treat your SO as best as you can everyday. Make them remember everyday why they fell in love with you, because people can amd will leave. Don't get angry over stupid things, it takes meaning away from when you're upset about big issues.

Having an Open relationships is the dumbest idea ever

I for one don’t think it would work well for me, but I feel like it could work in the case of the “serial cheaters” in which they go into it knowing that it will happen.

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Don't show your insecurity by being constantly paranoid your partner will cheat on you. If they cheat, then they cheat and you break up afterwards. Telling them how scared you are of them cheating won't do anything to change their mind if they are planning to.

I fell in love, never again :'(.

I was EXTREMELY jealous and controlling. Anytime he casually texted a girl, even if that girl was in a relationship or something, I would get pissed. I was super insecure at the time but still, I shouldn't have acted like such a psycho.

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it sucks to admit, but when i was much younger and saw that a girl was slowly distancing herself from me/wanting to end whatever we had between us, i'd push harder to try and stay connected. it only resulted in me pushing her away even more and making an ass of myself.

nowadays, it still sucks to admit that a woman isn't interested and that's why she's slowly cutting contact, but i don't panic and turn super clingy.

Going through something very similiar with a guy I'm interested in.

It's hard to swallow when you had something with that person and you see they're no longer interested in you and trying to increase the distance.

TLDR: Fuck drunk texting and I should stop embarrassing myself like this.

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If he loses his job and then doesn't make an effort to get a new one, that's probably a red flag. Now, when he's jobless for several months and he's still not making an effort but has time to play video games, and then openly admits he doesn't want one and expects you to "take care of and pay for everything" it's probably time to bail. Probably. Be mindful of the psychotic episode with a hunting knife when you tell him you're done and leaving.

TL;DR: If he's a lazy psychotic fuckwad don't stick around.

Go with your gut. Every time.

Edit: unless your gut is telling you to do something stupid and against all voices of reason, of course.

Pick your fights. A lot of stuff isn’t worth it.

1- don’t break up using a letter 2- don’t talk about female coworkers too much 3- your stories aren’t always the important ones 4- don’t borrow your exes car for a first date with someone else 5- don’t cheat 6- don’t forget your wallet on a first date 7- don’t treat someone else’s first time like it’s just another day 8- don’t try to change someone you profess to love 9- don’t give them access to your credit card 10- if they broke up with you, don’t try to renter their lives

These are from different relationships. I’ve got the hang of it now

Original Poster12 points · 6 months ago

Dude, no. 4 is the douchiest thing I've ever seen 😂😂

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10 is your best advice

The whole "your partner should be your best friend" thing is something that I've actively gone away from since my past two relationships. Your partner should be someone you love and care about and get along with, yes-- but you should most definitely have a best friend who is not them. In the past, I neglected friendships when I was in a relationship and it led to lots of loneliness after the breakup, because I had started to do a majority of things with my partner and not other people. Finding that balance between spending time with them and keeping up other connections is key.

I mean, if you find yourself being able to say something to your friend that you can't say to your SO. You might have a problem.

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Dont date insecure or selfish people

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11 points · 6 months ago

Who's gonna date me, then?

What if i'm insecure and selfish at the same time?

-1(-1)= +1 you should be fine

Tell them I love them

9 points · 6 months ago · edited 6 months ago

Never to date a daddy's girl. Nowadays I just look for a woman that can handle herself and not rely on her dad 24/7

16 points · 6 months ago

I HATE mama's boys. You are never good enough for their mom and they will always choose her over you. Idk what is worse, being in your 20's and being moved out but still talking to and about your mom all the time like she's gods gift, or being in your 20's and living at home and spending all of your freetime with your mom, telling her everything about us. I have experienced both unfortunately.

This guy asked me on a date to go see his horse. I love horses. Guess what, his mom came. She drove us. I was 22.

Idk if it is just because I am not super close with my family or what but I just cant do it.

Right! She was 20-21 and she listen to her dad to dump me because I didn’t have a car.... I look at college right now more important than a car lol

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Loyalty isn’t enough to sustain a relationship

Small problems often turn onto big problems, dont dismiss something just because it seems small and unimportant. If it bothers one of you enough for it to be a problem it should be addressed

Don’t mistake attachment for love. Fear of letting someone go is never a good reason to stay with them. Breakups are the worst, but being with someone you don’t truly, deeply, love is worse.

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