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[–]SirBullshitEsquire 1171 points1172 points  (22 children)

I relax and die with dignity because I live near one of the juiciest targets in Russia.

[–]Punt_a_gizmo 3074 points3075 points  (91 children)

Why are they wasting a nuke on NZ?

[–]Hellothere_1 1073 points1074 points  (14 children)

Preemptive strike against the Hobits so thy can't call for eagles?

[–]Sack_Of_Motors 133 points134 points  (6 children)

They don't have eagles on continuous airborne alert?

Operation Eternal Eagle.

[–]Iklaendia 405 points406 points  (15 children)

How do they even know where it is? It's not on any of the maps.

[–]DaSaw 132 points133 points  (3 children)

That's why they're nuking it. They found it, it wasn't on any of their maps, and they figured it must be a secret US location or something.

[–]Genar-Hofoen 15 points16 points  (1 child)

In North Korea, there are no errors on Official Maps. So the only way to fix it....

[–]acid-nz 129 points130 points  (14 children)

At least it'll solve the housing crisis.

[–]ghost-chips 63 points64 points  (4 children)

Can't have a housing crisis if you blow up all the houses

[–]Rusky82 3893 points3894 points  (113 children)

Wonder when my country put in an emergency alert system for a minute, maybe google it, ask why anyone would be attacking where i live, then die in a fireball probably.

[–]xero_art[S] 1391 points1392 points  (92 children)

This just happened in Hawaii. Couldn't find anything on Google, thought maybe I hallucinated or dreamt it. Then a friend calls and asks me if I hears about it. DOD.Hawaii.gov wouldn't load. I made some coffee, thought about my life insurance, what would happen if we went to war (I'm in the navy), got dressed and planned to start watching 'What Dreams May Come' (it's been on my list to watch since Robin Williams passed over a year ago). Then the friend texted saying it was a false alarm. Making me really think about the nature of fear. I don't think of myself as being afraid of death. And, I should have been able to dismiss it, when I couldn't find any news on it. I typically get automated calls from my base for any emergency alert so I should have known that one little push message was probably an error. And in the front of my mind I think I did know. But that didn't matter. The possibility that the threat was real and the inability to really imagine the fallout and devastation made it hard to suspend disbelief.

[–]Rusky82 314 points315 points  (9 children)

Just after i wrote the post i read about the false alarm. Scares quite a few people. Being in Hawaii you probably the most at risk from N.Korea as well so its in peoples minds.

[–]honey-bees-knees 97 points98 points  (8 children)

First Guam, then Hawaii as far as US targets go

[–]Overthemoon64 109 points110 points  (8 children)

So did you watch the movie? Or did you put it off since you weren’t facing your imminent demise?

[–]xero_art[S] 252 points253 points  (7 children)

Just finished it. Great movie.

[–]Theorex 43 points44 points  (2 children)

That movie definitely holds a different meaning before and after his death, especially since his was a suicide which is dealt with in that film.

[–]Attack_Stig 33 points34 points  (46 children)

I’m in DEP for the Navy right now. What is something you wish you’d have known before you got in?

Also, I’ve been wondering how normal life will be. I will be an AC so that might be different from anyone’s life that’s assigned to a ship. Is your every day and hour consumed by the Navy or do you have a pretty normal kind of life? I just don’t know how it’s going to be.

[–]xero_art[S] 55 points56 points  (16 children)

Boot camp is going to be a joke so long as you go in with Full Metal Jacket in mind.

Other than that, it really depends on the type of person you are, especially since I'm a submariner and know nothing of your rating or surface life.

[–]UptownShenanigans 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Maybe write a list of 10 or so things that you need to do once it’s decided it’s actually happening. You seem like you were pretty collected, but this way you can make sure everything is set.

[–]fight-me-friendo 8099 points8100 points  (58 children)

Probably call my parents, swear when they don't answer the home phone because why the fuck do you pay for something you don't use. Text my mom asking her to pick up after I call her cell phone three times, she doesn't. Call my dad twice and ask him why mom isn't answering her phone. My dad asks her as she's SITTING RIGHT THERE. I ask him why they didn't answer the home phone and he says they didn't hear it. So I ask why the fuck he could hear his cell phone but not the house phone?

And he tells me they're watching The Avengers which makes me mad because if they're watching the TV then they absolutely saw the caller ID on screen. So I tell him to answer the phone next time because I'm literally about to die.

And then he says "Hi literally about to die I'm dad."

And then I kill myself before the missle can.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, stranger! And I'm glad to hear about all of my secret siblings being blatantly ignored like I always am. Also if it makes anyone feel better, I'm my parents only kid so it makes the sting of being ignored that much worse lol.

[–]A_CGI_for_ants 1046 points1047 points  (11 children)

So...what did you do today

[–]fight-me-friendo 945 points946 points  (9 children)

Not this exact scenario... but this exact scenario.

[–]Nightsswiftdragons 148 points149 points  (5 children)

Eek, a ghost!

[–]33TO92 23 points24 points  (2 children)

This is almost exactly my parents on 9-11! I was at work when I heard about the first plane & I called my parents to see if they heard the news. Mom said they just finished breakfast & were reading the paper & ready for their nap so call later cause any important news would be in the paper. She hung up. I called dad on his cell but got his VM. Called mom back, she said rudely, WHAT? We are trying to nap, this better be important......,MOM put dad on the phone! Mom pease! Now, ok? Mom said he can’t find his cell. I said mom—- put him on YOUR cell we are on right now.... wait, honey he is in the bathroom now. Call back later.. hey mom, just turn the TV on any channel other than food network ok? I’ll be out playing in traffic.

[–]Foxkilt 15 points16 points  (1 child)

They take a nap after breakfast? Are you parents cats?

[–]Luna_Tripz 175 points176 points  (2 children)

Holy shit, how long have Mom and Dad been keeping the existence of additional siblings from us? Did you know about me?

[–]renoracer 213 points214 points  (1 child)

This is the greatest thing I’ve ever read.

[–]flubberFuck 95 points96 points  (0 children)

And a very accurate scenario

[–]cheeriocheerio93 51 points52 points  (2 children)

So like.... I think I find my brother or sister here on reddit.. or some kind of alternate universe because his is EXACTLY what would happen to me.

[–]westbridge1157 39 points40 points  (1 child)

I think we might have the same parents...

[–]nolanj162 1519 points1520 points  (32 children)

"well I'm definitely not dying with my pants on"

[–]hargleblargle 716 points717 points  (21 children)

Get in a last minute panic wank. If you're a guy, you statistically have time.

Edit: I get it, plenty of women would have time too. It was a joke about men not lasting long.

[–]RandomName01 557 points558 points  (11 children)

Yeah, I want to be like Bruce Willis and die hard.

[–]SpicyBoih 118 points119 points  (6 children)

I’d be going at it with lotion AND my pocket pussy. The whole 9 yards

[–]VagueSomething 43 points44 points  (1 child)

The adrenaline should speed things up for a death wank.

[–]smb_samba 174 points175 points  (1 child)

“I’m going to jerk off and see who explodes first!”

[–]Steelfox13 21 points22 points  (0 children)

"I wi"

[–]forlornjackalope 36 points37 points  (0 children)

That's the spirit!

[–]hargleblargle 1493 points1494 points  (38 children)

Honestly, I think I would panic for a few seconds and then tell my family how much I love them, because this is the end. I would then cuddle with my kitty for the rest of my life.

[–]DayMan4224 546 points547 points  (27 children)

Same but with my puppy. I'd feel pretty shitty that she'd die too, such a sweet little dog that shouldn't be affected by this crap..

[–]Kyanpe 335 points336 points  (23 children)

Dogs don't die. I refuse to believe it.

[–]ZurichianAnimations 295 points296 points  (10 children)

Dogs never die. They're just missing in action.

[–]ConradSchu 3211 points3212 points  (40 children)

Go on reddit. Try to cash it in for last minute karma.

[–]angrybastards 1818 points1819 points  (22 children)

I'm about to die in a horrific nuclear holocaust. AMA!

[–]dropkickhead 898 points899 points  (17 children)

Why aren't you answering our questions, it's been hours now?

[–]SirRogers 74 points75 points  (0 children)

"EDIT: Wow, this really blew up!"

[–]RandomName01 63 points64 points  (3 children)

You may die, but your karma will live on.

[–]SleeplessShitposter 21 points22 points  (0 children)


"Me in about 5 minutes lol"

[–]KronktheKronk 1217 points1218 points  (24 children)

Max out all my credit cards buying stuff from Amazon to be delivered to my family in the mainland

[–]c0ber 641 points642 points  (20 children)

it was a false alarm

[–]KronktheKronk 1102 points1103 points  (13 children)

.... Fuck. Now I have to instigate nuclear war

[–]SPAZZEH 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Cancel order

[–]Infinitroid 939 points940 points  (140 children)

Grab a dust mask, check the wind direction, wait for the blast, then jump in the car if needed and get upwind of that motherfucker. From what little I've read, nuclear attacks are actually quite survivable if you're not vaporized at the epicenter. Most important thing is to avoid the fallout dust.

[–]Science__FTW 449 points450 points  (61 children)

It has actually been recently discussed in science news how you should absolutely not get into a car in these cases. You're not going to outrun the nuclear fallout (cloud of radiation) and cars offer no protection. Your house offers more protection, though not as good as a bunker.

Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.businessinsider.com/survive-nuclear-attack-fallout-shelter-cars-2017-5

[–]WorkoutProblems 112 points113 points  (17 children)

Would the subway system be better than your house?

[–]Aeolun[🍰] 92 points93 points  (6 children)

Yes, but less food.

[–]mcdouglebutt 190 points191 points  (4 children)

well i mean their sandwhiches are pretty crappy,

[–]I_need_proof 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Have you seen how many feral ghouls stay in the subway system?!

[–]Throwaway54546787 382 points383 points  (66 children)

More importantly, do the thumb check. The thumb check says that if the mushroom cloud isn't as big as your thumb you can probably survive.

[–]Sapihs 588 points589 points  (10 children)

So people with small thumbs would die?

[–]omnikan 771 points772 points  (5 children)

Yes. It's called natural selection

[–]Sack_Of_Motors 271 points272 points  (3 children)

"Bigger thumbs on humans evolved after the First Nuclear War due to that specific trait which afforded bigger thumbed humans a higher likelihood of surviving nuclear blasts."1

1. The American President at the outbreak of the war was one of the first casualties despite surviving the initial attacks due to his generally tiny hands.

[–]The_Power_Of_Three 34 points35 points  (2 children)

Generally speaking small creatures are more vulnerable to toxicity and radiation, so... maybe?

[–]jellyfishdenovo 63 points64 points  (19 children)

Held at what distance

[–]gumpythegreat 106 points107 points  (3 children)

you know the Fallout vault-boy with the thumbs up? he's not giving a thumbs up. he's checking the size of the nuke.

Edit - this may not be true

[–]wildtrevorappeared 173 points174 points  (11 children)

Pretty sure it's several million times larger than my thumb.

[–]Quazios 100 points101 points  (4 children)

But not larger than the power of trigonometry!

[–]Arago123 1384 points1385 points  (21 children)

Drive straight to the nearest City because that's probably where it will hit.

[–]ajax5206 570 points571 points  (19 children)

Realistically just panic till I die

[–]devenbat 623 points624 points  (29 children)

I live at a dorm at my school. There is a massive library that goes maybe 5 stories underground. So I pack up some food and water and flee to the library. And then read until I survive or still die.

[–]MiloTheMagicFishBag 321 points322 points  (8 children)

I heard somewhere that books can actually help absorb some of the radiation so this is an even better plan that you thought!

[–]Tatertotattack 233 points234 points  (4 children)

All that paper makes a thicc barrier between you and the bad shit outside. Combine that with all the concrete and steel (and dirt) from being in a big ass building 70 feet under ground and it sounds like you have a pretty good stopgap bunker. Only problem would be ait quality but at least you would be safer-ish.

[–][deleted] 109 points110 points  (5 children)

It's not fair. There was time now!

[–]TJ_McWeaksauce 20 points21 points  (1 child)

But then your glasses will break, rendering you unable to read anything. Not even large print.

Then, in impotent despair, you'll look to the heavens and quietly say, "This shit's fucked up, yo. It's fucked up."

[–]GwenTheWelshGal 1470 points1471 points  (61 children)

I'd probably open my bedroom window and tell it to fuck off.

[–]RandomName01 1777 points1778 points  (41 children)

"Local man saves world from apocalypse."

[–]GwenTheWelshGal 988 points989 points  (35 children)

"Local woman saves world from apocalypse."


[–]RandomName01 508 points509 points  (19 children)

Your username even gives it away twice lol.

[–]lobos1943 166 points167 points  (7 children)

"Local man yells at clouds"

[–]ElectrixReddit 132 points133 points  (5 children)

I am the sand guardian, guardian of the sand!

[–]acequake91 55 points56 points  (0 children)

How Welsh of you.

[–]just_to_annoy_you 227 points228 points  (4 children)

Hit snooze like I always do.

[–]thrillofit20 303 points304 points  (9 children)

I live in Hawaii so this just happened to me. I was about to go to the gym, so I ... didn’t do that. Tried to look up any news about it. Called my boyfriend on the mainland because he knows more preparedness than I do. Tried to figure out what I was going to say to my mom/how to possibly say goodbye. It was really scary.

[–]classypterodactyl 104 points105 points  (6 children)

I'm terribly sorry you had to go through this. I just realised how difficult it must be to think of how to say goodbye to loved ones when there's a threat coming your way, over which you have no control.

[–]M4dmaddy 373 points374 points  (18 children)

Considering Sweden has about 65.000 bomb shelters designed to house a total of 7 million people. I would look up where the closest one to me is and go there.

EDIT: Looked it up, there are 10 bomb shelters on my block. One in the basement of each apartment building. I guess that's an upside to living in a building from the cold war.

EDIT2: If anyone's interested, here's a map of all the bomb shelters: https://msbgis.maps.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=7bf1f3f83a374312b1b873637fbfbe1e

[–]taun0 89 points90 points  (4 children)

Hello there our western neighbour! Finally we Finns decided it's good to learn from your example and have built shelters in case of Soviet nuclear invasion. Today there are about shelters for 3.7 million people (total population is almost 5.5M). Like in Sweden, also here it is required by law to build a bomb shelter if the building exceeds certain limits. In Finland if the total living area of apartment buidling exceeds 1200 m2 you are required to include a bomb shelter. This naturally leads to problem in suburban areas where population rely on public shelters as buildings do not exceed 1200 m2.

Personally in case of alert, I would get dressed (it's sunday morning hey!), gather some water containers, medicine and canned food. Then would wake up SO and get to bomb shelter downstairs. I hope there we would find other residents setting up the facilities for water storage and air filtering. There we would stay in dark and melancholy - just like we Finns tend to do outside shelters too.

[–]Yerwun 18 points19 points  (2 children)

What? Why? I'm not sure Ireland has any...

[–]Spiderbanana 92 points93 points  (7 children)

Go to the bunker in my basement. It's mandatory in my country for everyone to have a bunker.

[–]KILL_ALL_NORMIES_REE 39 points40 points  (5 children)

Fuck man what country you live in?

[–]mathisawsome2213 51 points52 points  (4 children)

Sounds like either Switzerland or Israel.

[–]Badrijnd 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Albania has more bunkers than people iirc

[–]AppleisOverrated 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Switzerland according to post history

[–][deleted] 752 points753 points  (31 children)

Fucking die.

[–]youngpokemaster 217 points218 points  (23 children)

Same, like what the hell else are you meant to do? I'd attempt to get back to sleep, maybe have a cigarette or something

[–]wastley 124 points125 points  (21 children)

I don't even smoke and i'd have a cigarette. Gonna die anyways.

[–]TomNa 86 points87 points  (15 children)

You got a stash of emergency cigarettes? Maybe in a glass cabinet with a sign: "In case of an emergency break glass and light it up"

[–]F1ghter0fTheNightman 54 points55 points  (11 children)

Fuck that. If I was about to be nuked I'd try shooting up heroin. Might as well die high off your ass ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[–]DayMan4224 32 points33 points  (1 child)

I quit 2.5 months ago, fuck it one last smoke for me.

[–]al_bert-o 55 points56 points  (0 children)

Hey, congrats on quitting! May you be rewarded with extra years of not dying in a fiery blast.

[–]UncleTogie 1849 points1850 points  (27 children)

Grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.

[–]Ubervisor 256 points257 points  (12 children)

Drink up. The world's about to end.

[–]SkaveRat 89 points90 points  (6 children)

Well, can't we do anything about it? Like lie on the floor and putting a paper bag on your head?

[–]redisforever 63 points64 points  (5 children)

If you like.

Will it help?

Not at all.

[–]CraigKostelecky 121 points122 points  (3 children)

Remember your towel and don’t panic.

[–]mwm5062 76 points77 points  (1 child)

Don't forget to deal with Phillip

[–]SurpriseButtStuff 90 points91 points  (0 children)

Right. Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil ["Sorry!"], grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.

[–]SnaskesChoice 55 points56 points  (0 children)

A man of action!

[–]InternetPenguin 480 points481 points  (20 children)

"Why the fuck are they nuking Antarctica?"

[–]darkhumourveil 139 points140 points  (10 children)

Are you working at a research station? Because that's awesome. What do you do?

[–]lookyloolookingatyou 437 points438 points  (45 children)

If you look at the FEMA map of likely nuclear targets, you will find that the area I live in has more dots on it than DC. I have looked into it, and I do not have the means to construct a shelter capable of withstanding a nuclear blast on the nearest military facility.

My only saving grace is that I live on an island and there are a lot of boats around. If I ever get around to stockpiling any nuclear protective gear (masks, coveralls, etc.) I could probably barter my way onto a boat and hopefully make it far enough away from land to survive the initial blast. The ocean does not present a strategic threat, but there will most likely be nuclear fallout either from land or from intercepted missiles bursting overhead. I have read that a full-scale nuclear winter will create a massive difference in temperature between land (cold) the ocean (relatively warm) which will result in a coastal windstorm stronger than any hurricane we've ever seen. We will be at sea for a long, long time.

Whoever I have bartered with will most likely be wealthy (because they own a boat large enough to fit a stranger on) and will therefore have family that they will want to protect. These people will probably have extreme difficulties adjusting to a life of deprivation and boredom. We may not have enough radiation equipment to survive the fallout (two weeks). Desalination is a tricky, inefficient process that I'm pretty sure requires a lot of fuel. I believe any fish that we could catch will most likely be irradiated and not safe for consumption. Although they will initially be grateful for the survival equipment I have provided, when supplies run low they will most likely act in the best interest of themselves and their family. Unless we find a place to land, this will most likely mean I will be forced to accept my death (by murder or maroonment at sea) or act in my own self-defense. At present, I would consider the death at my hands of an entire family who have saved my life to be an unthinkable act, but my attitude may change. I wouldn't have made it this far without a strong urge to survive (that may change in consideration of the wholesale destruction of everything and everyone that I have ever loved, most likely) so I would most likely accept marooning over murder if the choice was offered. I would discuss this with the family before conditions deteriorate to that point.

Short of some miraculous rescue by the United States Navy, I will meet my lonely demise a few weeks after the initial impact.

Alternately, if I ever win the lottery, I would purchase a large fortified boat (or ship, I guess), and stock it with a hydroponic lab, desalination facilities, and various creature comforts to drift with my loved ones for a couple years. I imagine if I was really careful about it, I could use wind generators to harvest the extreme winds on the outskirts of the windstorm.

I really hate the ocean, boats, and winter, and I know from experience that my loved ones all make really shitty roommates even when they aren't suffering from extreme nuclear-war induced depression so I imagine I'd succumb to Ocean Madness within months, assuming we weren't overrun by pirates first.

[–]BelligerentBacteria 198 points199 points  (17 children)

FEMA map of likely nuclear targets

I just looked up a similar map and I love the "fuck you" nuke on the grand canyon.

[–]Tridgeon 98 points99 points  (5 children)

There's a uranium mine in the grand canyon...

[–]W1D0WM4K3R 70 points71 points  (4 children)

The nuclear equivalent of hitting babies in the womb.

[–]AsmodeanUnderscore 194 points195 points  (3 children)

This guy's fucking done his homework on this.

[–]LobsterGarden 74 points75 points  (11 children)

I live in Hawaii.

Step 1: Wake up to the alarm... Is this real? My mom got it on her phone too so I didn't just hallucinate it.

Step 2: "What are you supposed to do for a nuclear attack again?" I think something about filling up a bathtub. Tape your windows? Hide under your desk? I don't remember... Begin filling bathtub, realize we have no tub stopper.

Step 3: Do we have a radio? Oh yeah, the car has one. Go outside to car and find a station broadcasting the emergency alert. Learn you are supposed to go underground, or at least inside and away from windows. No one here has a basement and we live in a tiny house.

Step 4: Grab cat, get mom. We empty out the closet in the center of the house and squeeze inside. Try to call other family, calls won't go through. Texts aren't going through either. Type up a few 'last emails' on my phone. Google "radiation poisoning". Looks like a horrible way to die.

[–]tatterdermalion 32 points33 points  (0 children)

This is useful info --- ie calls and texts don't go through (like just about every other major disaster.) So the 67% of people who said they were going to call their moms should do so now, while they can.

[–]TerriblePigs 257 points258 points  (6 children)

Probably go back to sleep.

[–]Tybalt-Capulet 90 points91 points  (3 children)

Unless you have a Fallout Shelter nearby, not much else you can do.

[–]D_K_Schrute 153 points154 points  (1 child)

I have the app on my phone but I'm not sure how that helps.

[–]smb_samba 413 points414 points  (6 children)

Jerk off and see who explodes first.

[–]PancakesNDeath 66 points67 points  (1 child)

Very underrated answer, and also the right one

[–]ifinallyhavereddit 61 points62 points  (2 children)

Assume that the council are finally going ahead with stage one of the town's regeneration.

[–]echidnawarrior 103 points104 points  (8 children)

I would first figure out how long I had until the missile reached me, and if there was no way to escape I'd drink a mug of the fancy tea I've been saving for a special occasion, listen to my favorite music and send out communication to the people I love telling them I love them. This question reminds me of the Ray Bradbury story "The Last Night of the World."

"I always imagined people would be screaming in the streets at a time like this."

"I guess not. You don't scream about the real thing."

"Do you know, I won't miss anything but you and the girls. I never liked cities or autos or factories or my work or anything except you three. I won't miss a thing except my family and perhaps the change in the weather and a glass of cool water when the weather's hot, or the luxury of sleeping. Just little things, really. How can we sit here and talk this way?"

"Because there's nothing else to do."

"That's it, of course, for if there were, we'd be doing it. I suppose this is the first time in the history of the world that everyone has really known just what they were going to be doing during the last night."

"I wonder what everyone else will do now, this evening, for the next few hours."

"Go to a show, listen to the radio, watch the TV, play cards, put the children to bed, get to bed themselves, like always."

"In a way that's something to be proud of — like always."

"We're not all bad."

The whole short story is about four pages long, and worth the read. Bradbury had a knack for conveying somber peace in his descriptions of the end of humanity. If the end was inevitable, I believe that's how I would go.

[–]WaimanaloWood 51 points52 points  (1 child)

I also live in Hawaii. The weather was absolutely perfect and I was just loving the morning light. When I got the alert I was already on my way to work so I just figured I’d keep on going while looking at the sky and the mountains. I really noticed how much I love being alive and seeing all the beauty of a new day. By the time I got to work and got all the equipment ready for the day the threat had been canceled and I was already getting shit done.

[–]KommandCBZhi 186 points187 points  (27 children)

If it happened in the next month, wonder why my area in the rural Midwest was being targeted. If it happens after that, I imagine the military would have some sort of orders for me.

[–]placid_salad 120 points121 points  (9 children)

Really. I’m not afraid of North Korea nuking Ohio. I’m afraid of them aiming for New York or D.C. and missing.

[–]LarrcasM 69 points70 points  (2 children)

I just laughed absurdly hard at that image.

Some guy in a cornfield in Indiana just looking at the sky and just being really fucking annoyed that NK missed by half a continent.

[–]vivaenmiriana 95 points96 points  (5 children)

yeah, i live in a small town in the middle of the desert. Whoever is wasting bombs on us ain't gonna last long anyway due to not having a good strategy

[–]Electric999999 48 points49 points  (0 children)

If you have enough nukes to end the world then why not nuke everywhere at once.

[–]Kasaga 40 points41 points  (7 children)

uhh ND/SD, and Montana are like the primary targets in the event of a nuclear war. only thing more primary would be Norat, and the pentagon.

a massive amount of our nuclear arsenal is storied in the upper Midwest. mostly for security reasons(very few people in the area)

[–]KommandCBZhi 15 points16 points  (2 children)

I am referring to the Illinois/Wisconsin border area. Not much of a nuclear arsenal around here, and Rockford is not exactly a prime target.

[–]offbrandsoap 133 points134 points  (5 children)

Probably just chill. We’re all dying so eh, peace

[–]SC2sam 163 points164 points  (31 children)

If it's nuclear

Drive as far as possible away from where the city, military base, factory's as you can as fast as you can. The blast range is on average 1.5-2 miles in area/radius even if you were just walking or slowly jogging within 10 minutes you should be able to get far enough away to prevent immediate death(this is of course you are not at the direct center of the drop/hit/impact). You will now have about an hour to continue to get as far away as possible heading west(it is important to head west as the fallout will likely be moved according to the jet stream which tends to go west to east). If you can get over 60 miles away within an hour you most likely will not die but you'll want to continue to go west until you are at least 250 miles away. If you are caught within the blast range you are most likely going to die due to radiation poisoning which you have very little chance to survive against. You will want to stay out of vehicles or any other metal buildings due to the absorption and subsequent reradiation of radiation which can increase your exposure(this is what I was taught in my various nuclear/chemical weapon attack classes but some people have said it is wrong). Close all vents and turn off the central air/heating to prevent bringing in radioactive particles which will also expose you to more radiation. You'll want to decontaminate yourself if you have uncontaminated resources, which is to shower and scrub as well as remove clothing and throw old ones away. Drinking red wine has shown some ability to slow down the radiation poisoning but it has only shown some promise, there is no cure. Overall it is possible to survive it if you are lucky enough and fast enough to know which and what way to go. Good luck.

Edit: forgot to add, at the 10 minute mark get horizontal. Ditches, dirt mounds, holes in ground, anything that gets you below the surface will help to absorb the radiation giving you a much higher chance of living. If you see a flash of light do not look at it! And still get down. Blasts radiate outward and across which means the more you can limit your exposure the better so being as far down as possible will give a better chance for most of the radiation to be absorbed by the sand, stone, and dirt between you and the blast. The radiation comes in three ways which radiate outward in waves, gamma, beta, and alpha particles. Gamma will not go very far away from the impact, beta and alpha will go farther because they are also emitted by the fallout cloud which will travel with the weather. Beta will kill you slower but it can be blocked by protective measures. Alpha is blocked by just your clothing and upper layers of skin, it damages you mostly by being breathed in and targeting vital organs.

edit2: This was originally from a post about what to do if a nuclear weapon was 10 minutes away from hitting close to you.

[–]IHateBeingTickled 40 points41 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the humor and light heartedness of the other posts, but his was actually useful. Thank you for this.

[–]hawkshot2001 23 points24 points  (4 children)

Do not look at blast. Open mouth to prevent eardrums from bursting.

[–]ihoodz 216 points217 points  (15 children)

I actually have a bug-out plan in-case this horrible scenario occurred.

0-minute : After getting the alert I would check the weather and wind conditions. If you are far enough away from the blast the fallout will be the big killer, which is carried by winds.

1-5 Minutes : Wake up and collect everyone in the household, and take them too the basement. Throwing heavy insulation between the vents and windows. At this point other people in the house would be filling jugs of water and grabbing what foods they can.

6-10 minutes : Gathering blankets and mattresses, bringing them too the basement as well. Grabbing all batteries and battery operated lights/heaters I can. (Oil heater and propane heaters are already in my basement so I don't have to worry about this. Grab the housemates and duck and cover near the sturdiest concrete corner of the house.

0 Hour hits : Hold my head too my ass and pray that it is far enough away that we may survive. If we have survived up too an hour after the initial shock-wave the best chance of survival would be to hunker in the basement for at LEAST 1 day to pass. After the first day it would be time too boot up battery operated AM/FM radio and listen too any broadcasts too gather information (I would boot up on zero hour, but the radiation may scramble frequency). After a minimum of 2 days I would put on my HVAC suit and take a look at the outside conditions, and plan accordingly, baring confirmation that it is safe, if there is no confirmation 3 days minimum before a "walk-out".

[–]CoreyC 65 points66 points  (1 child)

Take a screenshot and post it on reddit for karma.

[–]biwinning_tigaa 264 points265 points  (5 children)

Start smoking pot. Either I'll die doing what I love or I'll be so high the explosion won't touch me.

[–]TheRealBrotherLouie 81 points82 points  (12 children)

I would do a reality check, no one gives a fuck about my country, most people haven't even heared of it or don't know where it is, and also now I'm in a fking village so I would definetly be dreaming

[–]sakurarose20 35 points36 points  (6 children)

Wait, what country? I'm a geography nerd, I'm curious.

[–]Amon_The_Silent 197 points198 points  (29 children)

Rally my family to the armored secure room and wonder which country was stupid enough to declare war on Israel.

[–]Pakistani_in_MURICA 99 points100 points  (9 children)

To be fair I think Israel is the most prepared nation besides North Korea.

[–]-purple-is-a-fruit- 30 points31 points  (2 children)

I loved the portrayal of Israel in World War Z (the book, not the movie). They were the first to take the rumors of zombies seriously, and they acted quickly to take drastic steps to protect themselves from the threat. They walled themselves off and only let certain people in after rigorous screening, including the Palestinians oddly enough, but there were practical political reasons for doing so. The orthodox Jews are not happy about this and try to rebel, but they are quickly crushed because literally everyone has military training but them.

But that's Israel. They are quick to take threats seriously, and quick to respond aggressively. The holocaust showed them how quickly things can go to shit. Now they live surrounded by countries that pose an existential threat. Israel does not fuck around.

[–]IsThisAllThatIsLeft 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Get my radio, all the sensitive electronics I can get my hands on, and settle down in the middle of my huge pile of canned wheat and 150 gallons of water. I also have potassium iodide tablets (inexpensive), face masks (really only good for particulates), and I'm vaccinated for anthrax. Unfortunately atropine and pralidoxime are rather hard to come by in any legal fashion, though.

Before you criticize me, it's not that much money or room, and in a world where I'm pretty sure most half-competent engineers could build VX-tipped cruise missiles in their backyards, and even the North Koreans can build nuclear weapons, it's nice to have.

[–]ZaMiLoD 28 points29 points  (5 children)

I'm in rural Sweden so I'd assume it was a false alarm or possibly for the bigger areas major city. Just to be sure I'd probably take the kids and some emergency stuff into a corner or the basement for a while..

[–]Darkrell 24 points25 points  (6 children)

Wonder why they want to nuke a backwards country town in the middle of NSW Australia

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Every time I see NSW Australia, my brain reads it as "north south west Australia." I know that's wrong, and I don't know why I read it that way.

[–]Vraxx721 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Grabbed hunting gear, docs and storm-prep stuff and hunkered down in the middle of the house :/ Then realized I needed to invest in more brown pants. (Hawaii Resident)

[–]TheAlmostCanadian 87 points88 points  (9 children)

Hide in the refrigerator. If Indiana Jones has taught me one thing...

Edit: Just putting it out there. I was just referencing the movie. Most people should know this is a bad idea.

[–]DoomedWil13 53 points54 points  (4 children)

I dont think they line fridges with lead anymore. Sorry...

[–]Chrisixx 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Grab all food, fill buckets and bottles with water, head into bunker.

Perks of living in Switzerland, more bunker space than population.

[–]Arizona-Willie 79 points80 points  (4 children)

Bend over and try to kiss my ass goodbye.

[–][deleted] 46 points47 points  (4 children)

Get on a high place with some chocolate milk and a pillow, then take a seat and watch the blast. I imagine it would look pretty awesome so I might aswell make the best out of it.

[–]eagle99lwe 19 points20 points  (1 child)

Text my family, my friends, the people I'm closed to. "I love you all". I'm on the 10th floor of my building, but there's a basement and then a large subbasement below that. It's not exactly a bunker, but I'd try to get everyone living in my building down there. Best chance we'd have of surviving

[–]KatyLiedTheBitch 109 points110 points  (10 children)

My happy dance.

[–]Milli63 37 points38 points  (5 children)

Are you ok?

[–]JillyBeef 14 points15 points  (0 children)

To be honest, if there's nothing you can do to stop it, you might as well go out happy dancing. I can think of much worse ways to spend my last few moments!

[–]Centaurious 18 points19 points  (0 children)

i message my girlfriend and tell her, let her know how much i love her, and take my dog to the basement. also message my friends of course, but id probably be messaging her first as i wrangle the dog downstairs.

i doubt the basement would protect me from a nuke but to be fair it wouldnt be a direct hit on me, it would be on the city thats about an hours drive away.

[–]yetanothershitname 57 points58 points  (2 children)

Send everyone in my contacts list a pic of my dick wearing shades and a hat

[–]cuddle_cuddle 80 points81 points  (4 children)

Call my mom. Tell her how much I love her, and that she should get her butt to safety.

Then go hug my kid, pack water and cans and go find a safe place myself.

SO would be at work, so I call her/him after we're safe, and tell him to get some milk on the way home cuz we're all out.

[–]forlornjackalope 87 points88 points  (10 children)

Flood my Facebook feed with Tom Lehrer's work to be an asshole.

[–]Toxikomania 50 points51 points  (15 children)

Call bullshit. Living in Canada is great.

[–]TangoMike22 25 points26 points  (6 children)

Ya. Except that's not true. First off, in the case of nuclear war, we can get the fallout from other locations. We are also in between Russia and the US.

Then there's the fact that Canada has legitimate targets. I live really close to a military base. Only this one is possibly the biggest tactical target in the country and one of the few targets that's not personnel or equipment.

[–]tigermomo 14 points15 points  (0 children)

grab my fam and a mattress, drag it to basement and hide under it

[–]Kalaxinly 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Go back to sleep, probably gonna be in a pretty deep sleep in a few minutes either way, may as well embrace it with comfort.

[–]fapafapa 37 points38 points  (5 children)

Acid. Shrooms. Whatever crazy shit I could find. Just not heroin in case it's a false alarm.

[–]69brofist 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I had a friend this morning who took all the drugs he had because he wanted to die high but it was just a false alarm

[–]Rbalfer 13 points14 points  (3 children)

To be fair acid and shrooms could make the experience much more scary