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You have 1 weeks notice before you forcibly time travel, with no way back. You will arrive (in the same physical location) on 1/1/1970, with absolutely nothing (nude). How do you prepare, and what do you do when you arrive? by MaineDude in AskReddit

[–]collin3000 2952 points2953 points  (0 children)

Get all important information tattoo'd on my body. Then strive to put right what once went wrong, and hope each time that my next leap will be the leap home…

You have 1 weeks notice before you forcibly time travel, with no way back. You will arrive (in the same physical location) on 1/1/1970, with absolutely nothing (nude). How do you prepare, and what do you do when you arrive? by MaineDude in AskReddit

[–]dart22 399 points400 points  (0 children)

My wife has an app called "Wonder Weeks" on her phone, which apparently miraculously tells her when the baby's going to be fussy (hint: she's always fussy) by calculating when the baby's going to go through a period of mental development which they called a "leap." These leaps are numbers, so my wife has been saying stuff like, "Baby's crying more than usual now because she's in the middle of leap 4" and "She's going be in leap 6 soon, so she's going to be exploring the world around her more."

Every time she mentions the app, I'd say something like, "let's just hope this leap... will be the leap home" and my wife would grin and chuckle a little bit.

Anyway the baby was doing something different, and my wife said, "let me grab my phone and see if she's in another leap." This time I replied, "what does Ziggy say we have to do this time, Al?" and my wife got a really confused look on her face and said, "what the fuck?"

It's then I learned that she'd never actually seen Quantum Leap, and was just humoring me the entire time even though she didn't know what I was talking about.

Teachers/child care workers of Reddit: What is worst case of helicopter parenting/"my child can do no wrong" you've ever seen? by Secret_Life_Shh in AskReddit

[–]HanabinoOto 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Chemistry teacher who loves her subject matter and academia.

Teaching high school has NOTHING to do with your subject matter and lacks all the civility of academia.

Teaching is about eating shit with a smile. Daily. While balancing conflicting instructions from three different kinds of oversight.

I've worked a register, too. At least that's a job that you can leave at work and zone out during. Teaching will have you working all day and night, even spending your salary on it, and still feeling you haven't done enough. and you haven't! Because the kinds of kids who really need school do not need the kind of school we can provide...

You try and try, and the at risk kids you're trying so hard for still fling shit at you . Bc that's what they do. But don't show that it bothers you or let it affect how you treat them relative to the polite students--that's unprofessional!

People warned me that my job wouldn't be about Chemistry, it would be about people. I now realize that to teach, you need to have an inexhaustible love for the underdog, the impoverished, the criminally minded. Because 99% of your job will be trying to pull their heads out of their asses, and they will not thank you.

Teaching positions don't need smart peiole, they need reformed criminals who can care so deeply about kids like them, they don't care if their service destroys them.

Take my warning and go to pharmacy school, or do a chemistry PhD on a stipend and transfer to industry. Do chemistry if you love chemistry. Don't teach unless you love eating shit.

Parents of Reddit, what "secret" do you know about your kids that they don't know that you know? by TwoFerBawss in AskReddit

[–]numbernumber99 17.8k points17.8k points  (0 children)

I found the box of Girl Guide cookies that my 8 year old daughter had taken from our pantry and put in one of her toy boxes. I didn't give her shit about it; just took them back and ate them all.

Fellow millennials, how do we mock the next generation, now that we're no longer the youths? by Wonton64 in AskReddit

[–]CirqueDeSouffle 1012 points1013 points  (0 children)

No need for that. Their suicide rate is super high already and they don't feel safe at school. Let's just try to help.

You have 1 weeks notice before you forcibly time travel, with no way back. You will arrive (in the same physical location) on 1/1/1970, with absolutely nothing (nude). How do you prepare, and what do you do when you arrive? by MaineDude in AskReddit

[–]Ezra_Blair 94 points95 points  (0 children)

And yet I'd give it all up just to have sex with ONE man who didn't seem fucking miserable. I long to return to a simpler time, a time where spirits were buoyed by rollerskate discos and the world hadn't yet known the tragedy, the terrible, terrible blow to the moral of our nation, that was watching Jimmy Carter get attacked by that giant swimming rabbit.

Parents of Reddit, what "secret" do you know about your kids that they don't know that you know? by TwoFerBawss in AskReddit

[–]Wasted_Weasel 22.2k points22.2k points x3 (0 children)

I know my kid has a Reddit account, discovered it when I tried to create a sub about a very specific thing he has created, and I wanted to document/archive all of his creations there for him to see a few years in the future, turned out it already existed.

Went through his post/comment history. He's such a naive and good boy! Couldn't be prouder, always asking questions and helping out people. Gave him gold, never told him.

Whenever me and my wife speak about Reddit stuff he says " wish I could have an account" or "i have never been there, how is it like?" or "that sounds boring"

He's got more karma than me.

EDIT: mandatory from the reddit 24-piece starterpack: Thanks for the (x3) gold, kind strangers. No, really thanks! I am happy you thought this story deserved it.

Parents of Reddit, what "secret" do you know about your kids that they don't know that you know? by TwoFerBawss in AskReddit

[–]snakesareracist 15.6k points15.6k points x2 (0 children)

My au pair kids would fill a cup with cold water and put their penis’ in. They called it “ice penis” and loved it. So weird.

Parents of Reddit, what "secret" do you know about your kids that they don't know that you know? by TwoFerBawss in AskReddit

[–]Glitterhidesallsins 617 points618 points  (0 children)

My youngest (now 18) had a stash of my underwear in his pillow, his dad (an asshole) found it 3 years ago. It was all the satiny stuff, 2-3 pairs, and when asked he said he liked how it feels. I am not about to give a 15 year old suicidal boy a life-altering humiliation so I said, “So what? He likes what he likes.” His dad tried to get me upset about it, that it means my kid is deviant and gay and a child molester (like I said, an asshole). It’s just underwear, who gives a shit? And if a few more pairs have gone missing over the years oh well.

Honestly, it wierded me out a bit then I got over it. The kid is fine!

Parents of Reddit, what "secret" do you know about your kids that they don't know that you know? by TwoFerBawss in AskReddit

[–]MatsRivel 4113 points4114 points  (0 children)

NOTE TO ALL YOUNG MALES: Cum smells. Those rags you put in the trash, or under your bed, smell. Even your unwashed dick could smell if your area is warm and humid enough. You can't smell it, because it is constant in your area. Others can. I noticed this for the first time when entering a friends room when I was about 16. I knew the smell, and it was fairly prominent. From that point on I was aware of it, and I noticed it in MANY more situations. Some times it was my own fault, even.

Clean up.

Airport employees, what is the saddest goodbye you've witnessed? by NervousHat in AskReddit

[–]GrandmasTableMints 2432 points2433 points  (0 children)

I worked at a very small regional airport so I dealt with passengers from check-in to boarding. Often the passengers and their families would stay together all the way up until boarding.

An elderly gentleman was dropping off his son who had flown in from overseas where he lived for a visit. It was just us three in the terminal at the time, and after check-in the dad looked at his son and said "I have to go before I lose it" and he hugged his son, shook his hand and left. His son stood looking out the window to the tarmac and I could see he was getting a little upset. It was just us, so I walked over and asked if he was okay, he starts crying and says "this is probably the last time I am going to see my dad". He then tells me his dad is terminally ill with cancer and he has to return to his job overseas. All I could do was hug the guy and cry with him, it was very upsetting to me even as a stranger.

Parents of Reddit, what "secret" do you know about your kids that they don't know that you know? by TwoFerBawss in AskReddit

[–]theonlybluecow 9452 points9453 points x2 (0 children)

You know what internet challenge I want to see?

Stay up for 24hrs, then take a sleep aid and chug 2 liters of prune juice. Just see what happens. Will your butthole explode while you sleep, or will you wake in time to get to the toilet. I'm curious, but not curious enough to try it.

What movie is ruined the most if you replace the lead actor with Adam Sandler? by Marcpf97 in AskReddit

[–]RamsesThePigeon 423 points424 points  (0 children)

FADE IN:

EXT. THE BOW OF THE TITANIC – EVENING

JACK rushes to the very tip of the ocean liner, looking out across the water.

JACK: Come on, Rose! It's like nothing you've ever seen! You'll never...

He stops himself from continuing, apparently embarrassed by what he was about to say. After a few moments, he turns back the way he came, beaming with charm.

JACK: (CONT'D) You'll never feel so free.

ROSE – played by ADAM SANDLER – steps forward.

ROSE: "Free?" You can't be free on a boat!
JACK: What if we weren't on a boat?
ROSE: We're on a boat.
JACK: But what if we weren't? Come here.

Jack reaches toward Rose's waist. She leaps back, surprised.

ROSE: Whoa! Hello there! Getting a little, uh, handsy, huh?
JACK: I'm sorry, I just wanted...
ROSE: (Interrupting) Oh, I know what you wanted!

Rose grabs her own chest and jiggles her (visibly padded) breasts at Jack.

ROSE: (CONT'D) Hoping to get a little boat-booby action? Huh?
JACK: (Impatient) Just trust me! God!
ROSE: ... A simple "please" would have been fine.

After watching her trudge forward, Jack moves up behind Rose.

JACK: Close your eyes.
ROSE: What? No!
JACK: Just trust me.
ROSE: You know who says "just trust me" a lot?
JACK: Close your eyes and imagine that we aren't on a boat.
ROSE: Dude, what do you have against boats? We paid a lot of money to be here.
JACK: ... I mean, technically...
ROSE: (Interrupting) Plus, it's a really nice boat! None of that bwomp bwomp bullshit.
JACK: Bwomp... bwomp?
ROSE: Aw, you know!

Rose starts duck-walking around the deck, making guttural honking noises.

ROSE: (CONT'D) Bwomp bwomp! I'm a boat! I do boat things! Bwomp bwomp bwomp!

This performance continues for several seconds longer than it needs to.

ROSE: (CONT'D) See that? That's why...

She stops and looks around, realizing that she's alone.

ROSE: (CONT'D) (To herself) Yes, well, that's to be expected...

CUT TO:

THE NEXT SCENE

Masseuses of reddit, what are your experiences with customers getting turned on? by JordanTheOP in AskReddit

[–]bbreisa 339 points340 points  (0 children)

(18F) I’m currently in college for massage therapy and my college also happens to be a business, so, the students come in every week and practice massage on actual clients. I’ve had an experience where in the beginning of the massage, this old man popped a stiffy till he ended up falling asleep from the massage, then ended up snoring and farting in his sleep till I had to flip him over to get his back. That was quite amusing. All in all, unless a client is being overtly inappropriate, you just ignore it. It’s just the body’s way of reacting to touch sometimes. It’s natural and nothing to get weirded out by, especially as a massage therapist.