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OP of tweet is ITT

Getting paid to nap

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Moderator of r/BlackPeopleTwitter, speaking officiallyScore hidden · 11 days ago · Stickied comment

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8.9k points · 11 days ago · edited 10 days ago

hahahahah. this is my tweet. my coworker found it after it was reposted on kalesalad on instagram. awkward.

edit: she took it really well and was laughing about it. she said this the caption was “on point” and she’s not mad at all bc she’d do the same. she is also happy about her new found fame.

ps: this is not my computer screen.

She's got a nice face

Tell ya girl she got a nice face.

Ya girl got a nice face.

Word

That Word's name? Nice Face.

Preach

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She looks like Aubrey Plaza.

Scuffed Aubrey Plaza

Aubry Plaza if she never left the Midwest.

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low rez Aubrey Plaza

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I was thinking Alyson Hannigan from How I Met Your Mother

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76 points · 11 days ago

Agreed. 10/10, would photograph while sleeping

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When you take a picture of someone sleeping and then it accidentally goes viral

whoops

Yeeep, I’m just laughing at it during my lunch break over here in Australia - def gone viral, Ma

Yeah your username is so specific about it lol

22 points · 10 days ago

She has a very efficient username. Answers all the important questions.

a/s/l?-- oh... wyd?

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You done wrecked her future job prospects yo.

In all honesty it probably won’t but it sure as hell could give her anxiety. Hope she takes this okay

How did she respond?

No mate. She’s prob too busy on the phone talking with her legal dept.

Ah, america.

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19 points · 10 days ago

She has her own legal department.

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My first thought was how tf does that have almost 30k subscribers, but then I still clicked through the pics. What’s wrong with me...

You perfect

Balanced

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Thought that said picturesofasianssleeping and was mad disappointed.

/r/sleepyasians is the racist sub you're looking for

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Hey "ma"

what’s up

Let’s slide

141 points · 11 days ago

Alright

and we gon getting on taaanight

u smoke

I smoke

I drink

me too

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302 points · 11 days ago

Haha you wild, wyd though?

what is "something I will never ask a lady in real life?"

36 points · 10 days ago

Anti-social gang we ouchea

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246 points · 10 days ago

Can you not take pictures of people and post them on the internet wo their permission? I would be really pissed if I were this woman, especially considering this can ruin future prospects for her

107 points · 10 days ago

here's a quick and easy solution to avoid ruining future prospects: don't sleep on the job

I've slept on the job. During my break. Looked exactly like this.

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106 points · 10 days ago

Hate Kale salad, so annoying commenting under every single Kim Kardashian post with something stupid

Or that stupid diaryofafitmomofficial or whatever. More like diarrhea of a shit mom official right you guys

Block her! I did. Much better

I did!! But she still shows up in comments all the time. Is there a powerblock or something?

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Original Poster52 points · 10 days ago

Lol I got it from kalesalad. Girl you could’ve had all this karma!

20 points · 11 days ago

Is this what r/BeetleJuicing is?

Beetlejuicing is like when mentioning something and someone with a relevant username responds, like in the movie they say beetlejuice and he responds

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If that's your personal Gmail on those tabs, I'd avoid that.

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I do that at my current job but I’m fat so they all think I have diabetes.

I do that also but my boss hates my fucking guts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

You're probably a shitty employee.

679 points · 11 days ago · edited 11 days ago

And you're a shitty dad.

Eyyy Jking lol

Had to make a comeback at ya

I'm at a bar and busted out laughing at this. The Indian international students looked at me like I was crazy.

215 points · 11 days ago

Why are you on reddit at a bar instead of socializing with people at said bar?

Not trying to be an asshole. I’m just genuinely curious!

What else is there to do? Socializing in the outernet is stressful.

You are now entering, the outernet.

44 points · 10 days ago

I feel like the theme song to twilight zone should be playing when you say outernet

Well they're referencing the show The Outer Limits, which was like The Twilight Zone.

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I was piss drunk at a party having a cigg break, I

got a notification of match on tinder, cigg break turned into two hours, she ended up becoming my wife

Don't stop checking your phone at the bar.

Now I just want to go back to the days of drinking and smoking ciggs

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I used to go to my favorite bar and some days I'd look around, realize everyone was sober and just wanting a quiet burger, then get hammered on my phone and talk to /r/drunk.

You guys are like a bar I keep in my pocket.

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I am right now.

My gf works here.

I drink, chill, if someone talks to me (which drunk people do) I socialize. But im not trying to butt my way into peoples lives or conversations.

‘My gf works here.’ Could’ve ended right there bud.

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Fuck people in real life lol

15 points · 11 days ago

Yeah I'm just here for the overpriced beer, leave me alone!

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54 points · 11 days ago

Can't imagine why your boss hates your guts

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I sleep at my job too. Air traffic control can get tiring.

As long as you Never ForgetTM

Seriously, screw Walter for doing that shit

Yea, I mean he even poisoned Brock, what a shittt thing to do.

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157 points · 11 days ago · edited 11 days ago

They actually have on call rooms where I can sleep at my job. There's bunk beds. It's pretty legit.

Also if you're attending and you're sick (like puking) you can roll IV fluids in and take some compazine and just review resident paperwork for your whole shift and approve treatment based on their oral reports and charts, only composing yourself enough to go out and see the very occasional difficult patient.

That second paragraph is a joke nobody has ever done that in the history of the medical profession. We would never work sick (even though sometimes it's impossible to find people to cover) doing so would compromise patient safety and would be unethical.

Pretty sure the 3rd paragraph is a joke too.

I dated a few nurses and I watched those girls go to work really sick because no one could cover for them and if they didn't show up they would get in trouble. It always seemed weird to me.

76 points · 11 days ago · edited 11 days ago

I had actually put things like blinks SOS in Morse Code in the middle of the paragraph but thought it was too much.

But yeah the third paragraph is a joke about how we're officially speaking not supposed to do it but reality rarely aligns with what's "officially allowed." So it's not just nurses doctors do it too and we all do it pretty regularly. Sometimes the planets align but more often than not they don't.

I've gone to work sick as a dying dog before and I'll do it again, it really is just part of the job.

I will not confirm nor deny if I've ever personally done the IV fluids compazine combo though.

Doctors and nurses aren’t the only ones... when I worked food service it was also sometimes impossible to get a shift covered and I would go to work sick or else get fired. I even walked into work one day and told my manager I had pink eye and she said “oh yeah a lot of people here have that right now.”

48 points · 11 days ago · edited 11 days ago

See and that actually pisses me off. Because I will write mine off as "it's part of the job and a result of doctor shortages also we provide a necessary service." There's no fucking reason for a food service worker to be forced to work while sick outside of pure greed (on the part of management) in my personal opinion.

if you're casual you don't get paid if you don't show up. So there can be other factors. And from personal experience full-time/part-time in the same industry; getting paid your sick leave is tough too if you aren't used to asking for exactly what you want.

26 points · 11 days ago · edited 10 days ago

The more basic issue is I just think that a certain amount of paid sick leave should just be a given. People going in sick makes others sick and it causes chain reactions and I personally believe it's just insulting to a person's dignity to treat them that way.

I outlined in another post in the situation with medical professionals it's an issue of a necessary service that's also chronically understaffed in many places. That's a different issue and creates a "rock and a hard place" in situations where those conditions don't exist I just don't see the need for it.

But someone will probably call me a communist for this position.

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The only difference is that where being sick in the food industry exposes a ton of people to illness, being sick in the medical field can mean your exposing your germs to the people most vulnerable to illness.

14 points · 11 days ago · edited 10 days ago

So, a couple bits of minutiae. If we suspect something seriously contagious like, most commonly, the flu we test for it and we'll find someone to cover. So we're not being completely cavalier and irresponsible.

It's also a practice borne out of necessity. There's just not enough doctors and nurses to go around in many places. So we're in a field providing an essential service and we're chronically understaffed. So what do you do? You suck it up and go in sick and practice your best infection control practices. It's a rock and a hard place, the people need treatment and someone has to deliver it.

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22 points · 10 days ago · edited 10 days ago

I don't miss working in the medical field at all.

Company policy: "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO COME TO WORK WITH ANY SORT OF RESPIRATORY ILLNESS!"

Management: "Our department's been short by six people for two years now. I know you have the flu and bronchitis, but you need to get to work or start looking for a job."

HR: *crickets*

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Jay-Z IRL
47 points · 11 days ago

You got dat itis

16 points · 11 days ago

Ribs.

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Are you Scully or Hitchcock?

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Is your name Stanley?

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2.3k points · 11 days ago

I seen a truck driver quit, nigga just left the truck there and caught a train to his house.

1.4k points · 11 days ago

Once you don’t work for that company anymore you aren’t allowed to drive the truck. This may be a bullshit story, but a driver that dumps at the transfer station I worked at said his friend who does long haul shipping got fired in the middle of his route and just pulled off at the nearest rest stop, left the keys on the drivers seat, told them where it was and rented a car to get home.

Shit I believe it. If an accident or something happened and you weren’t legally allowed to operate a company vehicle you could end up in some shit

Exactly. If you crash that truck its all on you. Its the companies fault for firing him in the middle of his route. The reason I preface it with that is because this guy just loved to tell stories. Apparently he sold his first bar then bought another, had 3 wives, fucked all his bartenders, was a tugboat captain, etc. He would also give me a ton of "advice".

306 points · 11 days ago

was a tugboat captain

Nice.

137 points · 11 days ago

There are people who are legitimate tugboat captains.

128 points · 11 days ago

Nice.

42 points · 10 days ago

There are people who are legitimate tugboat captains.

Nice

Nice.

NiCe,

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20 points · 10 days ago

Nice.

Nice.

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So a shittier Forest Gump?

A gigantic old racist scumbag Forest Gump.

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67 points · 11 days ago

He must have done something serious to get fired mid-route. There's part-time jobs for people to recover abandoned trucks that drivers have just left. I knew a guy that his truck kept breaking down, so he just left his truck at a repair shop, and called his girlfriend to come get him from 4 states away. Some of the larger companies will be extra cautious of drivers who have done this before, and may not hire them. It's even added as one of the few questions on regular job applications.

Huh, I don't think I've ever seen the question "If you've ever done this job before, did you ever suddenly stop in the middle of it and go home for no reason?" on a job application. A good question to ask anyone, really.

33 points · 10 days ago

If I remember correctly, I believe it's phrased as "Have you ever abandoned a truck with a previous employer?" I guess they could check with your references, but I've never been on that side of the table, so I'm not sure what they ask when they contact previous employers.

At least in my state you are only legally allowed to ask if an employee worked there. The employer can volunteer anything they want but you can only ask about employment.

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24 points · 11 days ago

He got fired tho if you quit, you can get them to pay you to drive it back to the yard, because they dont want to risk it getting towed or fucked up because it will cost them more money. Especially if its towed

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I used to work at a Truck Stop. This happens all the time.

Comment deleted10 days ago(3 children)

Most of them get tired of the companies bullshit and know they can get another driving job pretty easy.

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I work for a trucking company and this happens so frequently that there is a dedicated driver in our company who's only job is to fly out and pick up abandoned trucks.

There are also a ton of tow companies that offer recovery services for trucks left by drivers that quit.

Its incredibly common.

18 points · 10 days ago

Until self driving trucks become the norm. Although, then you'll have people going out to collect trucks that just decided to stop driving because of how a shadow obstructed its path. Or turned into a kill-dozer.

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But truck drivers are contractors though? They can just decide to not work anymore and the most they can do is take the truck back afaik

22 points · 11 days ago

Depending on if you still locked in a contract or not. New truckers who went to school through the company or have no experience are locked in a contract for a year. A lot of companies have non- compete clauses where you cant go to another company with in that year. As far as deciding to just leaving the truck, some companies make you pay for retrieval and others dont give af they just send a trainee to get it and pay them a hundo or something.

In today's driver market I'd be surprised to find a company that will have a non-compete (those are jokes anyway regardless of industry) or require a contract.

As soon as a driver would hear that they'd just stand up and walk next door and see what they have to offer.

There are companies out there offering sign on bonuses as high as $10,000 and others offering to fly you home weekly, just to get drivers in the door.

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My bro got in an argument with his dispatch/dude he worked for and had to turn the truck back in. Bro took it back to the yard and pissed in that bitch. Had his wife pick him up and she pissed in it too. Smh

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This is why a lot of places will fire you on the spot.

Unemployment GG.

Nah. You were planning on leaving and they tell you you don't need to serve the rest of your two weeks. Its a technical difference but they dont fire you.

Firing people means when you call the unemployment office and ask they say that the company listed you as terminated and not resigned

220 points · 11 days ago

And then the company says 'we fired her because she was literally sleeping on the job' and it's all settled.

Still not that easy. It’ll cost more to go to court than it would to just pay the person.

Unemployment (almost always) doesn't go to court. It just gets tossed around the bureaucracy until one party gives up.

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46 points · 10 days ago(10 children)

Why didn't you record it?

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55 points · 11 days ago · edited 11 days ago

I got fired by Petsmart about a year ago. There were these middle aged Mexican women that went around with trash buckets making minimum wage (or less idk) cleaning the parking lot. This wasn’t a place you want to be outside for a long time either, it’s halfway to ratchet which is why I even got the job there. The (Mexican) manager caught a glimpse of me putting a ruined bag of dog food between the liners of one of their trash cans so that they can feed their dog. Manager came up and actually walked the length of the building. Neither of us said anything so he straight investigated the contents of this trash can, and found the dog food. Got 99 problems but brainwashed fucks make up half of them, as usual

When I called the unemployment office the person I talked to asked what I was fired for and I said basically the above. Then she said all that entered was entered was that I was fired for a ‘violation of policy’ so no matter what I said I would get unemployment out of it

Edit: I was supposed to be cutting up the bat so people don’t dumpster dive after it and put the dog food in the dumpster, but I put it in the woman’s trash can instead. When they had me write an official explanation (which I almost walked out on idk) I said I was giving it to her to dispose of instead. Not good enough :P

Yeah. The purpose of that rule is to prevent less, um, honest employees from "accidentally" damaging a product and then his cousin or best bud meets him out back by the dumpster.

It's a good rule, but it should be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. Sadly, Corporate America finds the easiest solution is a zero-tolerance policy. That way the manager or DM doesn't have to make a judgement call and there's no time wasted with appeals. Plus many employees in these jobs are ultimately replaceable. It's a shitty situation, but that's why retail and many other industries suck.

In all honesty, if you are violating a policy, you are violating a policy. If you wanted to walk your 'higher up' employee over to the bag on the shelf and ask, "hey I noticed this bag we can't sell. can we donate it to these hard working employees who can benefit from it and appreciate it?" They they would have given you 1 of 3 answers. Yes, no, or "Corporate won't allow me to say yes, and I'm supposed to say no... 'wink'"

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53 points · 11 days ago

They have to pay you until the date on the notice you gave otherwise it’s an involuntary termination. You don’t have to work during that time but you’re still technically employed.

Source: put in 2 weeks notice last month and got walked out. Got paid not to work for 2 weeks.

20 points · 11 days ago · edited 11 days ago

Or they just remove you from the schedule and dont pay you? You got lucky source: seen it happen plenty working for verizon.

That's only for jobs that schedule. Many companies in production you show up at the same time, you leave at the same time every day, there's no posted schedule

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11 points · 10 days ago

Probably should be more specific and say salaried jobs.

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That's not actually a law, just typically standard company policy (good companies protecting data will do that). But there is no legal requirement they have such a policy, and I've seen and experienced the opposite.

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Lady i worked with was moving to Texas from California. She put in her 2 weeks. Then on last day she asked HR if she could be fired to collect unemployment. HR obliged.

19 points · 10 days ago

Bad HR then. From what I’ve been told by a small business owner, using unemployment insurance is to be avoided because any claims on the policy will increase insurances premiums.

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And they usually pay out your remaining time. So oh well.

Yes and no, I've worked for slime that wanted me gone on the spot but checked with the team. They all said, don't do that, let him finish out because we need him to finish the projects he is on.

Actually, that has been the tune on all companies I left. I finish out projects leave a good relationship and the ability to come back.

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Gardening leave. It sounds nicer.

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When the next employer calls this one for a reference...

346 points · 11 days ago

Unless she already got something lined up

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183 points · 11 days ago(49 children)
126 points · 11 days ago

I mean, some people do. I was an intern in a huge management consulting firm recently, and many full-timers often just quit without any plans.

How awful a place to work was it that so many people quit without jobs lined up?

I can relate. I wouldn't ever do it because it's financially irresponsible but I can completely understand why someone would.

I did last month. I convinced myself I wanted to move back to my home state after three years in Texas Alone. I just couldn't take it anymore. I loved my job, and it payed well, which gave me the financial stability to leave.

Moved across the country and Now I have a few months to figure stuff out. I've never been happier

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Well if you're in an MBB a while, you might have made some fuck you money already...

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The one with ‘fuck you’ money

15 points · 11 days ago

For those unaware, Fuck You Money

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I did that once, not proud of it but still. I was young and in a very bad place both mentally and life-wise and the job made it worse. I was having tearful panic attacks driving into work every day and would eat lunch in my car forcing myself not to just drive home. One day I just couldn't take it anymore and told them I wouldn't be back after the weekend. I was very fortunate that it ultimately all worked out for me, and I had no major expenses or a family depending on my income to worry about while I looked for a new job.

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When youre determined to get on funemployment.

PS: You should put "being on funemployment" on your bucket list if it isnt already. I figure "if your money goes to taxation, take time for some relaxtion".

Except "relaxing" is not something somebody who is on unemployment does. It's not much money, nothing to live off of. Being unemployed is a serious strain on people. Mentally and emotionally. There's nothing like not knowing how you're going to pay a serious bill that's due in a few days.

See, youre mixing someone who is on unemployment with someone who is on funemployment...

Obviously if life is hard, youre on unemployment. But if you see that you can enjoy not working 40+ hours a week for however long it lasts... then its funemployment.

PS: I live in LA by myself and I have survived on funemployment. It can be done.

139 points · 11 days ago

True funemployment is when you’re between jobs. Like you’ve accepted an offer to start at a later time. No worries and no job for a little while.

As a college dropout (thanks Kanye) with bad interviewing skills... I am unfamiliar with this super saiyan form of funemployment that you speak of.

No shit, you're not in it. Did you read the other comment?

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32 points · 11 days ago

I’ve been on funemployment for the past 6 weeks. Start working again on Monday :(

But you had 6 glorious weeks :)

How’d you spend it if you don’t mind me asking?

17 points · 10 days ago

Mostly house projects. Basically started working down the list of everything I’ve told myself I would do eventually. I also have an athletic event coming up so I had plenty of extra time to train for it.

I had hoped to travel some but I was waiting until I actually secured my next job (so I knew I would have money again soon) and by then the timing didn’t work out.

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17 points · 11 days ago

something somebody who is on unemployment does

It is if you are in the position of "fuck you". This is when you save enough money to live off off comfortably from a month to a few months depending on long it takes for you to find another job.

You know how you should have an emergency fund? It's not just for if you get fired by your employer, it's when you fire your employer too. Boss wants you to come in an extra hour? You say "Give me a few minutes to move things around" and them email them back with your personal email as CC saying what was requested, what time, and that you refuse.

Boss fires you? Boss should give you something in writing (email, etc) when you were fired. You head right to the unemployment office with that email printed out, show them the date of your email and date of your firing, and enjoy unemployment benefits while using your emergency fund.

This of course doesn't work if you aren't in an in demand field sadly. But regardless of your field, you should have an emergency fund of a few months for these types of uses.

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Should take some supplies every day as well.

“No stealing! Unless you get away with it. I can appreciate good technique.”

– Pirate, Portal Knights

18 points · 11 days ago

I took a few nice pens everyday from my old job starting a month before I put in my 2 weeks notice. It was a beautiful feeling.

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This is fucked up. This pic could follow her career. Ugh social media.

Well, she is sleeping on the job.

127 points · 10 days ago

I'm sure you wouldn't want someone taking picture of a fuckup you did at work and having it blasted all over social media.

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I don’t think it matters cause her names not anywhere in the picture Interviewer: is this you Sleeping beauty: no sir. Just another look alike pinky promise

Truth.

Social media is the ender of careers man. I don't know why so many folks are quick to say and post the dumbest most incriminating shit.

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165 points · 11 days ago

imagine waking up from a nice nap and you go to check BPT and see your snoozing ass on there lol

66 points · 11 days ago

But she isn't black why would she be on BPT. /s

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161 points · 11 days ago

Atta girl, burn that reference.

74 points · 11 days ago

In most states in the US they can only ask so much. In CA it’s basically limited to “how long did this person work there” and “would they be eligible for rehire?”

In CA you can also ask “would you rehire them?” Which if you’re falling asleep in your last 2 weeks to be a dick will be an automatic “no”

19 points · 11 days ago

You right.

Every company I've ever worked for has said that if someone calls they'll just confirm the dates I worked there and nothing else. It's not worth the trouble for them to get into specifics.

Like many other things that were used to scare us in high school and college, the importance of previous employers references is vastly overblown.

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If someone gives a bad reference you can sue in most places.

They can say good things, or they can just give basic ass answers. If they intentionally bad mouth you, enjoy your lawsuit money.

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Before I transferred to a new department at my job, I put my two weeks notice in with my former boss. Per his orders, for those last two weeks, I wasn’t to take on any new work whatsoever. I was only allowed to finish up old tasks. Out of my last two weeks, wrapping old work took exactly one hour.

For the remaining 79 hours of that job, I watched YouTube and Netflix, I cleaned out my cubicle, I read a book, and I did crossword puzzles. I got so bored by my last day that I opened up a word document and I typed two pages of the most nonsensical, ridiculous, bizarre, surreal Simpsons fan fiction you can possibly imagine. It got really dark too. Bart’s brain imploded and Maggie ate his yellow flesh while listening to Johnny Mathis’s “Wonderful Wonderful”. It was some weird fucking shit. Then I printed it out, left it sitting in the tray, and walked out of that department forever.

I never heard back about my little story, but I really hope the person who found it was so horrified by what they read that they didn’t dare to speak of it. That’s the legacy I want to have there.

40 points · 10 days ago

two pages of the most nonsensical, ridiculous, bizarre, surreal Simpsons fan fiction you can possibly imagine

You can't just post this comment and not the fanfic.

38 points · 10 days ago · edited 10 days ago

Took me a bit to find it, but here it is:

BART is sitting on his bed, singing a tune of hatred and glee. It sounds like “Sweet Child of Mine”. David Caruso appears before him in a vision of joy. He is clothed in the mystery of time, sweet child of mine.

“What can I do for you, delicious baby?” asks Caruso.

“I wish to give my thanks and praise to you, Dark Lord, but I do not know how,” replied Bart.

“I only ask that you give to me that which you have the most of.”

BART ponders. “Shall I give unto you my wicked venom?”

“Yes,” says David Caruso. “Give unto me your wicked venom and your family shall be whole once again.”

BART snaps his fingers and vomits into David Caruso’s heart, who accepts it willingly.

“Thank you, Brat Sampson.”

He vanishes like an owl who has seen the egg, but not too quickly.

Downstairs, within the inner sanctum, Homer is force feeding Marge from a jar of grape jelly (it’s a metaphor) and shaving her head (it is a metaphor) while he wears no clothing. (IT IS A METAPHOR.) Lisa enters the room, crying as if her cats and birds had come true.

“What is wrong, child?” asks Marge as she vomits a serpent through the grape jelly. (It is a metaphor.)

Lisa cries out “I HAVE BEEN CUT FROM THE VOLLEYBALL TEAM AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS NOW.”

Ned Flanders enters. He has just come from Flanders and his heart is agape with the truth. “I used to play volleyball with the Carpathians.”

“We know this, and so much more,” says Homer, his loins sweaty and bruised.

Moe and Mr. Smithers emerge from the hole in Ned’s heart. They whisper to him a list of sacred shapes. He understands and slips into the void forever. Never to be seen again, never to have his presence felt on this plane or on this plain.

Brat Sampson, as he has been named by David Caruso, enters the room, but he is invisible to the hearts of his family. They have seen the essence of him and wish not to see him anymore. His brain implodes because THE DARK LORD has commanded it. He drops dead at the feet of his infant sister, Maggie, who you know well from the tales from Irish folklore.

She puts “Wonderful Wonderful” by Johnny Mathis on the stereo. She eats her eldest sibling joyously, as was foretold by the Irish. “This is how we grow from within,” she says. So calm, so pure, the heart of the ancient child.

All of the adults scream their favorite expletive, some in sadness, some in defiance, some in lust. Homer has finished shaving Marge and he loves her more now. Marge loves herself more. We all love Marge more, but not because she is bald and happy, but because she has been purified in Caruso’s sight.

We are in the office of one Mr. Burns, but not the physical office. It is the visionary office that has been constructed inside his mind. He is cutting off his divine fingers and eating them. ONE. AT. A. TIME. He does this because he is a patient man who understands the value of nutrition.

He mumbles “Is it not a problem to do with the people who have been told that they are going to have a job? Yes or no, Xenophanes?”

Xenophanes, the savage one, declares it to be true and gives Mr. Burns more fingers. Burns has had his fill and politely declines with a wave of his bloody stumps.

“Be not within the truth of the humble person, but outside the world he has never met,” says Mr. Burns, who is also a bat when no one is looking.

A painting of a nude man, fat from too much beef, enters the room to declare “BE NOT OF THE MORTAL COIL, FOR THE TRUTH LIES IN THE PANCREAS OF SELFISH MEN.”

Mr. Burns knows this truth in his bones. He agrees with the painting and sets it ablaze. The fat man in the painting laughs as the flames tickle his round body. It is most erotic.

David Caruso and all of Brat Sampson’s family appear. They have come to Burns’s office, the sacrificial chamber, to bring the prophecy full circle. Homer becomes a door and he opens himself to the family. They step inside him and learn his secrets. He is a woman. He is fantastically intelligent. He bears the mark of the demon hunter. He is 401 years old (according to the Russian calendar). He is made of light particles swirling intensely. He was brought up in the British naval tradition.

Caruso is pleased and he ascends. You are also pleased, and you ascend to meet Caruso. You embrace him. He embraces you. Brat Sampson, purified in the gut of his sister, ascends also, his feet slick from all of the bile. He joins you in enteral bliss as you both reach a physical and metaphysical climax.

Marge is pleased and she ascends, but she takes the stairs, as to prolong the experience. Her mouth is Home to all of the spiders, all of the serpents, all of the creatures that hell has spat forth. She is divine, but only in the cannibalistic sense.

A sacred rage boils in your stomach as you shout your name and pound your fists upon your beating heart.

Uh...OP delivered...? That was an experience. To say the least.

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Where the fanfic at tho

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I feel you girl

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Who tf can sleep like this

63 points · 10 days ago

Someone who doesn't give a single fuck

I can barely fall asleep in my own bed let alone in my office full of people

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51 points · 11 days ago

April Ludgate?

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I got made redundant at a previous job, and because of the glacially slow processes there I knew about it for about 2-3 weeks before my official 3 week notice period even started. Guess who got paid to barely show up for 5 weeks. They had a redundancy pay clause in the contract too so I got an extra payout, I later learned that almost nobody here does that. 10/10 would lose job again.

She can still get fired, can't she?

36 points · 11 days ago

Yes. Although if they fire her, she can file for unemployment in many states.

Im not familiar with the whole unemployment thing. Never applied for it. How does it affect you if you get unemployment?

16 points · 11 days ago

If her employer fires her, she can file for unemployment benifits, of which the company will have to pay, and receive the benifits until she starts a new job or reaches the max time frame of the benifit.

It may be in the employers best financial interest to let her slack off for two weeks imstead of firing her.

Except termination for misconduct will not get the individual unemployment benefits (though this will vary by state).

A photograph of the employee sleeping on the job is a great way for the employer to prove misconduct and deny unemployment benefits.

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Comment deleted11 days ago(3 children)

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This is an easy way to burn a bridge

TBH it's crazy how someone can just snap a vid or a pic and you can become a meme or judged or hated by millions overnight. Not that this is the case but it's been on my mind for a while. Something to think about when I go outside and want to start twerking to the Rihanna song playing over the walmart speakers.

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Meanwhile there’s people with masters degrees who can’t land a job

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How to fuck up a resume

And here she is working on her connect homework.

Or maybe they’re at a student computer lab and the girl lied.

I am actually struggling with this right now. I put my two weeks in a few days ago and I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time. There is no replacement yet so nobody to train. A few people can see my computer screen so no non work-related browsing. It’s painful to stare at nothing for 8 hours a day.

Lunches have gotten longer, I’m 30 minutes late every day and leave 30 minutes early. In the bathroom ALOT.

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