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4.7k

Not my neck

106 comments
97% Upvoted
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level 1
Comment deleted1 month ago(11 children)
level 2
"ONE PIECE WILL NEVER END 馃槶馃槶"342 points1 month ago

So long story short, I鈥檓 leaving you to go meet up with Orochimaru again cause the neck game was out of this world.

level 3
46 points1 month ago
level 4
鉁傗渹wants a forceful sterilization 鉁傗渹17 points1 month agoedited 1 month ago

/r/retiredgif somebody make the post I forgot the password to my karma account

edit: wow y'all fuccbois wanna upvote but nobody wanna put in the leg work

level 4
8 points1 month ago

The SUCC

level 3
Comment deleted1 month ago(0 children)
level 4
15 points1 month ago

Let me know when you got a girl that can extend her neck out like a snapping turtle and ill join your side

level 5
12 points1 month ago

That is fucking horrifying. Thank you

level 3

Orochimaru can bite me all he wants if it means I get a cursed seal

level 2
18 points1 month ago

"Babe this isn't even my neck, holding this for a friend"

level 2

Babe you never believed what happened, so I was playing football with the squad and out of nowhere this guy comes along asking or we wanna play a match. We were down for it but then he called his buddy Suarez. Needles to say I completely toyed the guy and he bit me...

level 2
4 points1 month ago

When I see a nigga talk bout Naruto like this, always cracks me up, thanks for the laugh bruh

level 1

"baby I'm a piece of garbage" would suffice

level 2
Comment deleted1 month ago(0 children)
level 2

Fr tho

level 1
304 points1 month ago

Damn, my chain's fake.

level 2
36 points1 month ago

When I was younger my father had a record store that also sold cheap jewelry. Every once in awhile someone become back in with a watch and their arm would literally be green. We would always give him a free replacement.

level 1

So I tried golf and this motherfucker hit it right into my neck! I swear boo!

level 2
65 points1 month ago

Black people don鈥檛 golf, she would see through it too quickly

level 3
76 points1 month ago

Tiger Woods is black

level 4
55 points1 month ago

You tryna make it look like you鈥檙e not cheating and you bring up tiger woods?

level 4
41 points1 month ago

Kind of.

level 4

not on the inside

level 3

That's a negative. I'm black...and golf (not frequently though).

level 3
8 points1 month ago

How many of your golf buddies are black?

level 4

How many of your black buddies don鈥檛 golf? Because for me, that鈥檚 like 2

level 3
6 points1 month ago

plenty of black professional athletes golf as a hobby

level 3
[deleted]
2 points1 month ago

Black people don鈥檛 golf, she would see through it too quickly

Well, golf courses are often part of country clubs with pools, so he could say he went there to swim and got bit by a dolphin.

level 3
1 point1 month ago

Bullshit, Michael Jordan was played golf in Space Jam

level 4

He golfs a lot in real life too

level 1

Paintball.

level 2
235 points1 month ago

Actually go paint balling too, get some big bruises on arms and legs at close range to make it look more legit. If you鈥檝e covered in bruises the neck doesn鈥檛 stand out.

level 3

This man cheats!

level 4
95 points1 month ago

If you鈥檙e even more clever, you buy your own paintball gun and shoot yourself a few times in a random scatter whenever needed. Then you don鈥檛 have to travel to the nearest range to pay for a coverup session.

Owning the gun also adds credence to the lie that you鈥檙e paintball fanatic who goes 3 times a week, and the regular sums of money you spend on your side bitches can be explained away as being spent on games, gun mods and ammo.

The only problem you鈥檝e got is if your girl actually likes paint-balling and wants to go to a game with you. There are two methods that work very well:

  1. Call up paintball range beforehand to explain you will pay all staff [insert bribe amount] if they all pretend to be your close friends. Send pics of yourself and gf, maybe provide a few fake/boring game stories about you to tell gf, so when they warmly greet you pre-game she knows you definitely spend a lot of time together. Then when you鈥檙e both in the first game of the session you twist your ankle and have to sit out rest of day, so she doesn鈥檛 realise you have literally zero paintball experience and skills.

  2. 鈥淗urt your knee.鈥 No bribes required, this classic can be used again and again, as now you鈥檝e got a trick knee that always plays up on any day she wants to go balling with you. Added bonus, can be used to get out of other annoying activities (shopping, housework, heavy lifting etc).

You鈥檙e all welcome, enjoy your 鈥渘ew hobby鈥 ;)

level 5

And this guy cheats while cheating!

level 5

If you鈥檙e even more clever, you buy your own paintball gun and shoot yourself a few times in a random scatter whenever needed.

If your "clever" strategy involves shooting yourself with a paintball gun, you've made some very bad choices.

level 6
13 points1 month ago

Gotta break a lot of eggs if you want to eat a lot of omelette.

level 3

Unless the other bruises look too different and uniform

level 4
12 points1 month ago

The ones on your arms and legs you can hickey yourself so they match better

level 4

A soft area like the neck will bruise differently, right?

level 2

A paintball to the side of the neck (bare, without a mask with a throat guard) would put you in the hospital, not a position where you had to lie to your girl. With a guard you would get a welt with some minor stippled bruising depending on the distance from the shot, not something nice and uniform like this.

Of course, if your girl doesn't know the first thing about paintball, you might be able to get away with it.

level 3

I clearly don't know shit about paintball lmao but I have seen bruises on legs/arms from getting hit which is why I made this dumb suggestion

level 4

Yeah that's fair, I just didn't want anyone thinking they could take a paintball to the neck and walk it off, those suckers hurt. Had a welt on the back of my legs for weeks from one

level 3

Ehh, that depends on the strength of the gun.

Plenty of weak guns out there, where you can watch the trajectory of the ball itself through the air.

level 1

Beat the shit out of yourself and say you got bea鈥攚hat the fuck am I saying? Don鈥檛 cheat bitch.

level 2

seriously the implication of the original tweet is just that a bunch of dudes cheating on their girls and acting like its normal.

level 1

Make one huge one across the front and say some muhfuckas tried to choke you out and rob you...then you get the sympathy and some lovin possibly

level 2

Get three good friends to suck your neck together to make the bruise uniform.

level 3
18 points1 month ago

Genius 馃槀馃槀

level 2

ULPT, honestly the most believable lie so far

level 1
60 points1 month ago

What neck

level 2
-8 points1 month ago(0 children)
level 1
32 points1 month ago

You don't need an excuse for the hickey. What you'll need is an excuse for the turtleneck which you'll be unable to get off until at least the next day.

level 1

12-yr-olds be havin side chicks? Damn - don't even need no excuse if you ballin' that hard at hickey age.

level 2

Self aware side chicks do this at all ages. That鈥檚 how they get you caught.

level 1

I think "I'm a cheating POS" would suffice but that's just me.

level 1
25 points1 month ago

It鈥榮 uuuh cancer also if I鈥榤 ever out and you don鈥榯 know where I am assume chemotherapy

level 1
22 points1 month ago

Simple. Don鈥檛 have a side chick

level 1

More normalization of cheating smh

level 1
17 points1 month ago

Temporary tattoo, right on it

level 1
10 points1 month ago

Baby thassa birthmark you ain鈥檛 never noticed before?!?!

level 1

I did not heed the advice of Wu Tang Clan

level 1

Holy shit. Is this a motherfuckin JOJO REFERENCE?

level 1

At this point, you're gonna have to hire someone to jump your ass with a baseball bat so that you've got a lot of matching bruises and wounds. Even then, that monster of a hickey only goes unnoticed provided she trusts you and doesn't think about it too much.

level 1

Call her and tell her youve been thinking about the relationship and you need some time alone ... Rookies.

level 1

If you have a vacuum cleaner, show her the hickey and ask her 鈥渂abe look at this, does it look real?鈥 You鈥檒l figure out the rest.

level 1

My cousin borrowed my neck last night. Ask him 馃し鈥嶁檪锔

level 1

Psoriasis

level 1

Can posts like this stop normalizing cheating?

level 1

"the nigga swung at my neck babe"

level 1

Pro tip scrape it with a credit card it will go away pretty fast once you move the blood from the top of the skin.

level 1

"Homie just kissed me goodnight, it ain't gay babe"

level 1
3 points1 month agoedited 1 month ago

Relevant story!: I bailed out of jail for drug possession, my wife was excited and gave me a fat hickey. but then I went to court and apparently there was no need to bail out cuz I got put back in custody. The first stop in the process isn鈥檛 the final destination either, so all anyone else can see is that I came from another jail with a big fat fucking hickey..

But jokes on them, most of those toothless nerds are still in there, perhaps because no one is kissing them after so many loops in the revolving door

level 1

Don鈥檛 have a side chick

level 1

I tripped and fel

level 2

Hit it on a doorknob

level 1

I'm just wearing turtlenecks til it's gone.

level 1
2 points1 month ago

Someone actually tried this shit:

https://youtu.be/7B0NxAzB6wc

level 1
2 points1 month ago

It wasint me

level 1

Get on some beauty guru type shit with some concealor and shading she wont even know

level 1

Have someone beat you to the point of hospitalization. The other bruises/stitches will distract her. On the bright side, you get a day out of work, and she鈥檒l pamper you. And if you get caught: You鈥檙e already in the hospital when she stabs you!

level 1
2 points1 month ago

Hickeys are fucking nasty. That's like some vampire type shit.

level 1

I fell down some stairs.

level 1

Avoid her for a few days

level 1

Leukemia causes random bruising, should be golden 馃憤

level 1

ignore it and when confronted say very ironically that you were over at a girl's place and right after plowing her she gave you something to remember her by to show your girlfriend

most likely they'll think you're joking and regardless you're honest so you're not doing anything wrong

level 2

How to get your dick cut off 101

level 1

a mosquito bit me and i smacked the shit out of it, left a bad mark

level 1

Go get jumped on purpose so it blends lmbo

level 1
SAVE HIM IN THE RACE WAR 馃槱馃懕馃徎1 point1 month ago

Got bit by a spider and my mom sucked the venom out.

level 1

I slept on it funny

level 1
1 point1 month ago

I burnt it using a curling iron

level 1

Drop that side chick...fucking hickies are garbanzo beans...I'm not 15 years old. Bitch stop sucking on my damn neck.

level 1

Paintball incident, or you and the boys went rock climbing and its a rope burn.

level 1

dog get a new side chick that鈥檚 murder wtf

level 1

鈥淚 was playing baseball and the pitch hit me!鈥

level 1

Take a small chunk of skin out the center and say its a bug bite....duh

level 1

Haha

level 1

I鈥檇 tell her not to go into room 237.

level 1

Turtle neck sweater

level 1

Me and the boys were playing around at Top Golf and this nigga hit the ball the wrong way, luckily I caught it with my neck.

level 1

Respect the neck

level 2
Original Poster3 points29 days ago

Put some respeck on my neck

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