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Posted byDiscord Admin and completely unfair9 months agoGilded1
ArchivedStickied postModerator of r/Jokes
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270 comments
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A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

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Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a son. He was attached to a wooden cross with holes in his feet and hands. Then he became alive."

Jesus starts tearing up, and asks with a somewhat broken voice "dad?"

The man looks up in surprise and responds. "Pinocchio?"

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She said I also look better without her glasses on.

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Get Bolted and Volted with Reddit Gifts Steampunk exchange! Sign up by August 19th to get matched!

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She bets him five dollars that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets her five bucks.

She tells her mom after school, feeling proud of her accomplishment.

“Oh honey, he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head.

A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her ten dollars to climb the pole. She thinks this is a pretty good racket so she does.

Again after school she tells her mom who is this time a little upset.

“But sweetie remember what I said last time, he’s just trying to see your underwear.”

The girl grins slyly and responds “I know, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear.”

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Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: raises hand

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

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She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

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They arrive in heaven where they are welcomed by Saint Peter. Before they are admitted to heaven they ask if they can get married in heaven.

Peter scratches his chin. “Hmm, I’m not sure. Let me find out.” He goes into heaven to find someone who might know.

Well he’s gone for a very long time, days at least. The young couple were starting to worry when Peter finally returns. He looks very flustered.

“Yes, you can get married.” He says.

So the couple go into heaven, get married, and enjoy the afterlife. However not long after they begin to realize how terrible eternity with the other person would be and decide to divorce.

They go to Saint Peter and asks if they can get a divorce in Heaven. Peter throws down his quill and growls in consternation.

“Do you know how long it took me to find a priest up here?! Now imagine how hard it’ll be to find a lawyer!”

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A man walks up to a woman at a nude beach.

"Hi, my name is Ed." he says.

"What's it short for?" she asks.

Thoughtful, he looks down a moment, before answering,

"I dunno, it's always been like that."

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None, they just beat the shit out of the room for being black.

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It's not the end of the world.

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They meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, who greets them and says "So Heaven is a vastly large place for everyone to spend the rest of eternity, and God has decided to grant vehicles to everyone upon admission, and he asks only one question, the answer to which determines what vehicle you are granted."

So St Peter goes up to the first guy and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The first guy responds "I've been married 20 years and cheated on my wife 4 times." A rusted Geo Metro appears suddenly, St Peter gives the guy a nod, so the man gets in and scoots on through the gates.

St Peter goes up to the 2nd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 2nd man says "I've been married 40 years, and only cheated on my wife one time, but I admitted it to her and she forgave me" A Chrysler minivan suddenly appears, and the 2nd man gets in and drives through the gates.

St Peter approaches the 3rd man and asks "How many years have you been married and how faithful was your marriage?" The 3rd man lifts his head up high and boasts "I've been married 60 years and never even looked at another woman!" A mint condition Ferrari 458 appears, the 3rd man happily jumps in and speeds through the gates.

Later the first two men see the third man sitting on the ground next to his Ferrari, weeping with his head in his hands. They ask him "what's wrong?" The third man looks up and says "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"

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Even I don't understand it, and I am a man!

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Bartender : you need to buy a drink first.

Me : Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender : Is Pepsi ok?

Me : Sure, How much is that?

Bartender : 3$

Me : There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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I told her, "if I lost 50 pounds I'd be talking to your friends!".

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Wife: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth. Husband: What trick? Wife: The one where you stfu and go to sleep.

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Posted by1 day agoGilded1

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!"

"Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all," said the second. "The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could have predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses."

Yet a third had another idea. "We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them".

The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.

This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.

The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.

They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.

They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.

"What's that one doing," said the first alien. "He isn't shaking his fist list the others."

"It almost looks like he's waving," said the second Alien.

"Let me see," said the third Alien. "Wow! I don't believe it."

"What?" Asked the second Alien.

"It's Dave!"

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...and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

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when she stumbles on one of her many servants in the hallway. She looks at him head to toe, and demands:

- Come here.

The servant, heads down, obeys.

- Take off my jacket.

Hands shaking, he obliges.

- Now... Take off my dress.

Slowly, he does so.

- Hm... Now take off my socks and my garter belt.

He does so, not saying a word.

- Now... My bra and my panties!

Looking down and shaking, he obeys.

- Now, if I get you wearing my clothes ever again, I will fire you once and for all, do you understand?!

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