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3.4k
Posted by
Discord Admin and completely unfair
7 months agoGilded1
ArchivedStickied postModerator of r/Jokes
3.4k
17.2k

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows him to see what he's doing with all these books.

There is a frog sitting across the way that the chicken takes the books to. The librarian, confused but curious, continues to follow the chicken. The chicken approaches the frog, says "bock bock bock bock bock", places the five books into the frogs hands. The frog responds by tossing each book aside one by one, "reddit reddit reddit reddit reddit"!

EDIT: now I know what it feels like to have an inbox that’s bursting at the seams...

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128

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

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She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

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The instructor sits them in a room togeather and starts out by saying, "men you three are the finest america has to offer. Gun skills, hand to hand combat, not to mention youre IQs are near genius levels. There is only one test left." The instructor walks over to a small hallway with three doors. "We have to make sure youre willing to do anything for your country."

"In each of those rooms is a person you hold very dearly. You are to go in to the room and shoot this person." Each man walks to his door and opens it. One man skrieks and says "there is now way i can shoot my dear grandma" he is then escorted off the premises.

The other two mean grab a gun and walk into there room. No more than 2 minutes later ine walks out crying. "I cant do it, i would like to leave." As soon as he says that a gunshot rings out. Followed by 5 more. Then a lot of racket and the last man walks out of the room covered in blood. "What happened?!?" Exclaimed the instructor.

"Well sir, my ex-wife was in there. I told her i was sorry and the kids will be taken care of. To my suprise, some idiot put blanks in the gun so i had to beat her with the chair."

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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars

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I was having dinner with my girlfriend, and she called me a paedo. Sure, she's 18 and I'm 31, but that's not that big of an age gap right? Totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...

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Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "Hey asshole! It's 3:30 in the fucking morning!"

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And the bar is completely empty. He thinks about leaving and decides to have a drink. He approaches the bar.

“Pint please bar tender”

He takes his drink and sits down.

5 minuets later he gets a tap on the shoulder.

“Here pal, that’s my seat”

He looks around. He’s the only other person here apart from the tapper.

“Look pal, there’s no one here plenty of seats, so fuck off”

The other guy responded. “I’ve been coming here for ten years, and empty or otherwise, that’s my seat”

“Oh yeah?” Says the man “well I’ve been here ten minutes, and as I said, there’s plenty of other seats, so I’m not moving”.

“So you’re not moving” says the tapper

“No” says the man

“Well then” says the tapper “ I hope you know how to play the fucking piano”

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25

Son: “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”

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277

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

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I’d get fourth so I wouldn’t have to walk up to the podium.

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When asked why he would do such a thing, he responded with 3 reasons:

  1. I like to play with my money.

  2. I like to watch my money grow.

  3. Whenever my wife feels like blowing $100, I have the perfect solution.

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You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

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