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17.2k

Who's the biggest hoe in history?

Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

532 comments
82% Upvoted
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Moderator of r/Jokes, speaking officiallyScore hidden · 24 days ago · Stickied comment · edited 24 days ago

Anyone who thinks it's a hilarious idea to post this to /r/AskHistorians will be banned from their sub and from ours. Consider this your notice. To be clear: this is considered to be brigading under reddit's terms of service.

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2.5k points · 24 days ago · edited 24 days ago

Thought this was gonna be an Askreddit thread for a second. That would have been a wild ride

Edit: Guys stop trying to post it, it will just get removed. Idk how but it violates rules

I just now realised it isn't.. I've been reading these comments trying to think why there are not very many real answers...

Also I was surprised to see the text in the text box since I don't think r/askreddit allows text boxes...

83 points · 24 days ago

I want this question to be posted in r/askhistorians but maybe something like "Which relevant woman from history was the biggest ho?".

52 points · 24 days ago · edited 24 days ago

It’s gotta be Ching Shih, right?

Cantonese prostitute who became captain of a fleet of pirates and terrorized the Chinese sea, fighting with the British Empire, the Portuguese Empire, and the Qing dynasty.

Relevant Wikipedia

Honestly, I think it might be Catherine the Great, Tsarina of Russia.

Honestly, I think it might be your mom.

21 points · 24 days ago

Plot twist: Catherine the great is his actual mom.

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Bro

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I might consider going and asking that right now

Please post a link if you do. I was really hoping this was in r/history

Removed

I was the 6th person today to try posting. At least we’re trying! We need to word it differently.

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64 points · 24 days ago

It would have just been 100 threads of "OP's mom"

17 points · 24 days ago

Now I want an askreddit post asking this question.

There will be

sigh, done

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Ops mom

Yes?

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Similar usernames I see

So similar, yet so different all at once

Pretty sure the answer is Catherine the great

6 points · 24 days ago

I'd rather say Messalina. Emperor Claudius'wife, it is told that she disguised herself into a prostitute to anonymously have sex competitions with local brothel's hoes.

Competing? How?

5 points · 24 days ago

Like, the girl doing the most men wins. It is told she served almost 30 clients in a day.

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So ms Pac-man does this and she's considered a hoe but mr Pac-man does this and he's a timeless, iconic character? Double standards smh.

2.1k points · 24 days ago

Yeah, it's like when a woman sleeps with 25 men in a month she's a whore but when I do it I'm gay af.

330 points · 24 days ago

Triple standards!

Yo dawg I heard you like standards...

...so we converted all kitchenware to metric.

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11 points · 24 days ago

Not so sure it’s suddenly gay when he’s been swallowing balls since conception

I was gonna pretend to be gay throughout all of high school just to become friends with the hottest chicks in school.

Then, when they least expect it, I'd fuck all their boyfriends.

That last line really was r/unexpected for me lol

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if you get "no homo" tattooed on your penis it's not gay

That way you dont have to keep saying it every time you thrust

you made someone laugh out loud

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Actually says "non homogeneous" when erect...

I got mine tatooed also in braille to cater to a wider demographic

Is that a Bo Burnham joke I spot?

Straaaaight whiiiiite maaaaale

I know the road looks tough ahead

The women want rights

The blacks want...not to be called the blacks.

The gays want... kids?

...sorry

I know that's a Bo song, but I was listening to Elvis earlier and I heard it to the tone of Can't Help Falling in Love.

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15 points · 24 days ago

Super PacMan is the biggest queen because he gets engorged swallowing balls for quarters and rocks a fabulous cape!

But Ms. Pac-Man is just Pac-Man wearing a bow and lipstick [source.] (https://youtu.be/HdtLvo5hJLI)

Drag queen pacman

4 points · 24 days ago · edited 24 days ago

Strap'n'pacman.

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Ya. She did all this, and then they ghosted her.

3 points · 24 days ago

She only took his name so she could take his money. Typical woman stuff.

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260 points · 24 days ago(13 children)

I'm still disappointed. I want a real answer.

OP’s mom?

Stacy's Mom

I'm gonna go with Genghis Khan. Had at least 1000 children, possibly as many as 2000, from possibly as many as 3000 wives. Genetic analysis shows about 0.5% of the world is descended from him.

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Hard to know for sure as theres a lot of misinformation, lot of people writing fake accounts of thier opponents or predecessors as big sluts to ruin thier image.

Messalina, the third wife of Emperor Claudus was a pretty big hoe according to some. She loved a good orgy and having numerous affairs, and some accounts say she secretly posed as a whore in a brothel to get even more shagging.

The answer is this person.

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3 points · 24 days ago

I just posted the question on r/askhistorians because I need to know .

509 points · 24 days ago

Both eagerly and ferociously

(◕‿◕✿)

45 points · 24 days ago

Put that flower on the other side. Left side flower means you're taken

Huh?

86 points · 24 days ago

Flowers in the hair. It's a tradition started in hawaii. Flower on left side means that person is taken. Right side means they're single and or looking

TIL

19 points · 24 days ago

I learned it today so same here

Wait your right or my right

Comment deleted24 days ago(2 children)

Schrodinger's flower

3 points · 24 days ago

Both

Both means you're a cheating slut. Also not at all discrete.

Florists are enablers

Means you’re getting Lei’d

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Her heart secretly belongs to Clyde.

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122 points · 24 days ago

Kris Jenner. Took her new boo to the murder trial of her side piece, while her side piece was being defended by her husband.

So, Kris Jenner took Bruce Jenner to O.J. Simpsons murder trial where Robert Kardashian was the defending lawyer?

You learn something new everyday, but it's not always something you wanted to learn.

17 points · 24 days ago

Yup. Real picture/ meme of what you just said, https://i.imgur.com/lTy60dA.jpg

Wut, is this genuine or a joke?

Tis fucking outrageous lol 😂

Nope... Actually happened..

33 points · 24 days ago

I feel like I can answer this for you, as I have my BA in history and am currently in my second year of a sexology grad program.

Hoe can be viewed as somewhat of a misnomer - it really depends on the historiographical context with which you are intending. Nevertheless I’d have to go with Margaretha Geertruida Zelle, more commonly known as Mata Hari.

She was a Dutch exotic dancer so provocative that she captivated both men and women by the thousands.

Mata Hari’s erotic charms granted her access to the most notable international public figures both publicly and privately. This insider’s access led to government agencies courting her — all in the hopes that she’d demonstrate her allegiance by becoming a spy during World War I.

Although sources report that Mata Hari never officially acted on the invitation, the French prosecuted her for being a German spy and sentenced her to execution by firing squad. Newspapers reported the execution of the greatest female spy in history, yet those who made her acquaintance will never forget the woman who should have been known for being the pioneer of striptease dancing.

It’s a toss up between her or OP’s Mom.

Yo mama's such a slut,

her vagina should be in the NFL Hall of Fame for greatest wide-receiver.

71 points · 24 days ago

69upvotes

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oof. I felt that.

Yo mama didn't, though. Practically numb at this point.

12 points · 24 days ago · edited 24 days ago

"Sex with her is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway"

5 points · 24 days ago

SwaggerSouls?

Nope 😂 just a hillbilly -ish quote

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Well your mother is so loose it was hard to have sexual relations with her, despite my large penis.

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13 points · 24 days ago

She started out as a tight end

Pacman is definitely the bigger slut because he does it way more often.

Gay men, what're you gonna say?

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Correct answer is my ex.

Nope, it's Jessica... Fuck you Jessica.

10 points · 24 days ago

Fuuuuck you Jessica

Haha! I was expecting a non-fiction response so this caught me off guard. Up you go!

Here I was expecting Amy Schumer. Yours is much more original. +1

24 points · 24 days ago

Don't worry I'm sure this joke will be in an Amy Schumer stand up special soon

Half of Reddit will be in Amy Schumer soon...

At the same time... with room to spare.

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35 points · 24 days ago

Serious answer to a joke. Eva Peron actually. She literally fucked her way from absolute poverty to ruling a country.

19 points · 24 days ago

I present my case, Valeria Messalina. This Roman Empress literally challenged a prostitute to a 'fuck-off' and won by going 24 hours straight with 25 men ... she defeated a prostitute at her own game.

Wiki Link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Messalina

Credit to The Bugle for illuminating me with such fascinating historical facts!

I think I've seen this video somewhere before...

Yeah but it says in the link that this was anmade up story to smear her reputation.

Can confirm, just tried watching that terrible musical Madonna did and I'm pretty sure that's why they cast her in the role of Eva Peron.

Also I'm using this time to cast my vote- Madonna!

44 points · 24 days ago

This may be my favorite dirty joke ever, thank you.

When did people stop spelling it “ho”. Isn’t “hoe” the garden tool? Or is it equivalent and acceptable today to add the “e”?

According to jeopardy Hoe isn't an acceptable answer to:

"This term for a long-handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure seeker."

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Wow this joke is older than the internet.

/r/comedycemetary /r/im14andthisisfunny

Seriously, "this may be my favorite dirty joke ever". Are you fucking kidding me, this is a shitty bumper sticker or iFunny post, and like you said, older than the internet, 11k upvotes jfc

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Jethro Tull.

Objectively.

The guy, not the band.

Hey I'm Ms. Pac-Man. I was sexually harassed by four individuals and that is the reason I ate balls. I'm not a hoe I'm a victim. #MeToo

Do.... do we make this more offensive... and note that they were four... colored individuals?

Lol

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Can she run really, really, REALLY fast in high heels?

I don't know. Average speed, I guess.

Wilt Chamberlain fucked twenty thousand bitches

Am I the only one who is annoyed by the constant misuse of the word hoe, when they mean ho?

Noe.

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She's insatiable, Rosa. Insatiable.

"no, her nipples are brown"

Why would you know that?

Hulk HOEgan

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The better you are the more she swallows

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Any stripper named Chloe

Let's be fair, at least she doesn't let anyone do her from behind.

yo momma?

OP's mom?

“Blowjob Betty”

I'll direct people to this brilliant scientific analysis from the early history of the Intarwebz:

I propose the theory that Pac-beings reproduce via a form of pollenisation that requires humans as the carrier. Think about it. Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man always inhabit seperate arcade cabinets. Therefore they cannot come into physical contact. A player comes along, and responding to the game's attract sequence (similar in principle to the colourful flowers and courtship displays found elsewhere in nature) and inserts a coin into the machine. On entering the workings of the machine, this coin will be charged with Pac-Man sex cells. These are released when the Pac-Man dies. The score counter indicates the amount of nutrition that the 3 Pac-Men controlled by the player have accumulated from eating pills and ghosts, and this corresponds to the amount of sex cells they can produce (this is why the player is encouraged to acheive a high score).

Eventually all the coins will be removed from the machine and returned to circulation - however, only a few of those will make it back into a Ms. Pac-Man cabinet (this is why Pac-Man is such an addicitive game - to extract the maximum number of coins from the human carrier). We can follow this reproduction process statistically. New Pac-Men and Ms. Pac-Men only ever appear from the machine when coins are put in. If the amount of coins decreases, the cabinet is removed from the arcade - that Pac-Ecosystem has failed.

Maybe this unsatisfactory method of reproduction explains why Pac-Man is perpetually popping pills.

source: https://everything2.com/title/How+Pac-Man+and+Ms.+Pac-Man+have+sex

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Gene Simmons, or Wilt Chamberlain.

This guys dead wife

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This is kinda cringe this is from like 2012 Facebook

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Messalina

I’ll swallow your balls for a penny

Idaho

2 points · 24 days ago

Definitely "Yo mama!" 😂

Comment deleted24 days ago(2 children)

I was waiting to see this comment as I scrolled

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Your mamma

2 points · 24 days ago

Damn, I though it was r/porn ..

Agrippina the Younger, Catherine the Great,

2 points · 24 days ago

Let's answer as if it where an AMA... I'll start with a generic "your mum"

Op's mom haha

2 points · 24 days ago

Ms. Pac-man aint got nothing on my ex!

Reminds me of a grade school insult:. Yo mama plays Pac-Man so so she can get eaten three times for a quarter.

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