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all 92 comments

[–]atglobe 284 points285 points  (16 children)

"Why am I a length?"

*boom *

"Cream cheese is cheese?"

*boom *

"Avocado pit huge why?"

*boom *

[–]thief-of-thieves 92 points93 points  (0 children)

"pizzled"

*boom *

[–]Edgy_Rock 27 points28 points  (1 child)

Lmao ain't that College Humor?

[–]Scadharel 36 points37 points  (3 children)

Don't speak in these weird haiku's

[–]zanderkerbal 27 points28 points  (2 children)

Why am I a length?

Avocado pit huge why?

Cream cheese is cheese? *boom *

[–]densititify 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Where’s haiku bot when you need em

[–]DragonBank 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Refrigerator.

[–]ONSW4ZDOOVSGK4Y 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"HEDHOG CUTE"

boom

[–]coloradonative16 3 points4 points  (0 children)

“What are the new shapes?”

[–]ADHD_Supernova 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Canine dick Brie muffins with ky jelly

[–]Badrijnd 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Avocado seed is big because it's from mammoths pooping it out. When they died out we thought it was a yummy fruit so we kept it alive. Pakistan and California are super important for avocadoes.

[–]Alotofboxes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not mammoths. Giant ground sloths. Mammoths usuall lived a little further north than Avocados did.

[–]jfphenom 0 points1 point  (1 child)

"Why Charlie hate?"

[–]frenchhorngod 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because Dennis is an asshole man.

[–]Ethanlac 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Is Dilbert Jewish?"

[–]WastedTrait 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Baby powder made outta babies?

[–]acarpenter08096 187 points188 points  (1 child)

People with shitty spelling would be lighting the place up

[–]spacedrgn 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Exatcly

[–]Codebender 72 points73 points  (16 children)

Surprisingly, 15% of searches are for something never searched before.

https://searchengineland.com/google-reaffirms-15-searches-new-never-searched-273786

[–]rikkirikkiparmparm 24 points25 points  (3 children)

I wonder if it's mostly the old people writing complete sentences and asking questions as if they're directly talking to someone.

[–]therealrealofficial[🍰] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Why everytime I call my friend Susan I hear a weird noise during the middle of the conversation? It's something like a mix of a mosquito and a noisy fridge, thank you very much google

[–]bluelightzero 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Probably programmers having a hard time with a 10 year old library and the last known person to discuss it has deleted the reddit post.

[–]danjvelker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'd say it's more likely that students copy answers out of textbooks into Google, hoping that somebody asked something similar. That's gotta get at least a couple of percents, right?

[–]Some_Weeaboo 3 points4 points  (7 children)

Shouldn't it be any % depending on how long? So like if you look at a 20 year period, all searches should be something someone never searched before.

[–]_skankhunt_4d2_ 14 points15 points  (4 children)

No, think about that once more

[–]Some_Weeaboo 0 points1 point  (3 children)

There's a first search for everything.

[–]pfont 8 points9 points  (0 children)

But there are also second, third, fourth, 100,000th searches for common stuff, which are the other 85% of searches

[–]_skankhunt_4d2_ 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Yes, correct. But not ALL searches are new.

[–]Desdam0na 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Even if every search term had at one point never been searched before, this is looking at the ratio between first searches and re-searches.

If there had only been 2 searches on google ever, for the same thing, 1/2 of the searches would have been never-before-searched.

[–]djamp42 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm old, was about to say Google hasn't even been around the 20 years... 1998 - 2018

[–]WWaveform 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At this point in my life, I've never wondered more why cucumbers were hamburgers.

[–]end_all_be_all 0 points1 point  (2 children)

This probably comes from someone accidentally copy and pasting an entire link with the HTTP header

[–]penguin_stomper 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I also wonder if it counts searches that are basically the same thing but phrased slightly differently:

how is babby formed

how to form babby

i want to form babby

how did babby form

are those 4 searches or one?

[–]end_all_be_all 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Those are 4 independent searches, yet will all lead to the same link(s), porn hub or yahoo answers

[–]ThatOtherDude1817 91 points92 points  (5 children)

Imagine putting in "shwbwanisneuwneudnsineudnsusnshe", but someone else somehow already put that in

[–]aycheemm 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Whoa. How did you get ahold of my search history?

[–]LawlessCoffeh 10 points11 points  (1 child)

shwbwanisneuwneudnsineudnsusnshe

Your search - shwbwanisneuwneudnsineudnsusnshe - did not match any documents.

Damn

[–]XFirebalX_347 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Because the search bar is atually OPs mom. Everythings been in there.

[–]Gray_Gray_K 2 points3 points  (0 children)

r/shwbwanisneuwneudnsineudnsusnshe

[–]coloradonative16 28 points29 points  (2 children)

Man with tiny penis gives fellatio to man with even smaller penis while man with practically nonexistent penis watches on.

Lol nah i look that up every week to see if my dream has made any progress yet.

[–]Darthblaker7474 19 points20 points  (1 child)

That sounds like the translated title of a Japanese gay porn DVD.

[–]coloradonative16 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If only my brother, if only.

[–]DoDoDoTheFunkyGibbon 12 points13 points  (3 children)

[–]Yeah-Nah-Allgood 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Jesus Christ. Just went and watched all of that. Fucking unbelievable story.

[–]_J_G_M_ 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Actually a Googlewhack is something that has only one result not zero!

[–]DoDoDoTheFunkyGibbon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, a googlewhack isn’t the answer to OP’s original post, but it’s 1° off and lets me link to Dave Gorman, who is a genuine ripper.

[–]jimothykazoo 24 points25 points  (3 children)

"Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff"

[–]Dingerlingdebingling 11 points12 points  (1 child)

To pay respects

[–]end_all_be_all 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He died for collectively giving all our respect

[–]matt9flash 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think your f key is stuck

[–]pastFuture1 7 points8 points  (1 child)

It came up in conversation somehow at my wood shop that we should bottle saliva and sell it. I searched in google “human spit for sale”. I might have been the first one to search for that. Hopefully...

[–]just_read_my_comment 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I read once that two thirds of Google searches are unique (ie, nobody has ever typed that exact phrase before)... kinda makes you appreciate how good their search algorithm is.

[–]G-Dash_ShyGuy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

efgrthyjtrewqwertyuikuytretyjuk

[–]ODankestOne 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure google has better things to do than praise all the kinky people out there...

[–]mach_oddity 13 points14 points  (1 child)

They do... well, more like they steal your product ideas before you can get a patent... but hey, same thing right?

[–]Codebender 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a prank on the new intern: sit here and watch this live-stream of global google searches, write down any good ideas.

[–]Karleopard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Maybe it does but we've been out of original thoughts for a long time.

[–]TurklerRS 2 points3 points  (1 child)

'' pkhbllrşflgmsnmdllflfldlkskemm ''

  • boom *

[–]Quisito 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cream Cheese Gargantuan Gorilla Albino Nugget Porn

I got it

[–]Siberwulf 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Last thing I need is fireworks on tab #85 at 3am.

[–]alittleunlikely 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I actually sent this suggestion to a Google forum a few years back but obviously it was lost in the millions of mundane suggestions Google probably gets every day.

Fast forward a couple years and my best friend is dating a guy whose parents actually work pretty high up at Google (what a perfect opportunity!), I outline my suggestion to my friend's date and he nods as I rave like a lunatic.

Just gotta wait for his parents to bring it up at a board meeting now! /s

[–]ifuckcatstoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Me: Fjhvbuhchugbjuffdhjuyvhyrhuyghgfggv

Google: Wow good job!

[–]TheIrishbug 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Some Martin Shkreli type would just make a bot to search a bunch of shit like a dictionary hack to ruin for everyone

[–]AustinTheWeird 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"How to dispose of dead body after death by inflation"

Oh look, there's a first for everything

[–]AnotherDumbComment 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How to tickle pickle juiced baking ideas.

[–]superH3R01N3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe they do.

[–]longcreepyhug 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How do you know they don't?

[–]Zetanite 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Machine gun-wielding Orcs vs Demon Leprechauns"

[–]-MPG13- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What do you mean? They already do

\s

[–]WoodenPiano 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The shortest search to not have a result is .,

[–]seismicscarp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Once upon a dilly good chicken 4loko?

[–]WubbaLubbaDubDubC132 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People would be searching some weeeeird porn

[–]Lolxd69Prank 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Unhappy > Smashes keyboard> "HADSFYTADU78FI GOYVA DO78UIYGas7guoy8da 798d"

Fireworks > happy

[–]moo_sweden 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Virgin Google

[–]michal_hanu_la 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Designing the machinery to implement that would be a nice exercise.

[–]coupdetacos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It apparently happens quite a lot, all the time

[–]QuilSato 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Searches ufwefvuibqiqujwehkheiwuhowhefiUHeuhweoihehoi hwvIHBOeohvOWOIHVo

[–]ahawks 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They do, you're just utterly unoriginal.

[–]PoorEdgarDerby 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why is my poop banana?

💥 💥💥

[–]crazyweasel675 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"jfjenrjfjeh4&$4$;$:;$37:$:" Fireworks

[–]pryjar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They do.

[–]itsGarchomp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

fadfghgjkfjhdfgfds boom

[–]Sarahneth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fun fact: There is a 1200 year old prophecy that confirms Eli from Love Live is destined to be my real life waifu.

[–]Nugfairy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wondered like 5 years ago why they couldn't just show me what the traffic was like, and how I could get around it. Sigh...shouldn't we be driving in self driving solar powered flying cars by now?