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Knowledge is knowing that you can carry all of the groceries in at once. Wisdom is making multiple trips so that by the time you are done, other family members have put away most of the groceries.

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level 1
18.2k points · 2 months ago

You're dammed optimistic if you think the rest of the family will put those groceries away.

level 2

It was the only way of knowing what is actually in the back of the fridge when I was growing up. It's much easier now since it is just cold pizza and half a bag of carrots.

level 3

You actually ate half a bag of carrots? I thought you were supposed to just let them rot in the back and not discover them until they're liquid.

level 4

No you dump out half the bag so people think you’re healthy when they look in your fridge.

level 5
314 points · 2 months ago

You keep the bag frozen for when an action protagonist is injured and needs you heal them

level 6
223 points · 2 months ago

No you leave them in the crisper so they get nice and dry, and then you carry them around and plant carrot trees in random places

level 7

carrot trees

level 8

Not to be confused with the potato bush

level 9

What’s a potato?

level 10

PO-TAY-TOE! Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew!

level 10

oh did you learn about vegetables from anime too?

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level 6

That's peas, not carrots.

level 7
28 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Got hit in the head with shovel and used frozen peas as an icepack. Does that make me an action protagonist?

Does it matter that the snow shovel thing was an accident?

level 8

Yes.

level 8

Jason Bourne?

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level 6

I've heard some euphemisms in my time, but ...

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level 4

I'd say at least four times a year i "change my eating habits" which consists of letting a bag of baby carrots die in my fridge

level 5
11 points · 2 months ago

Changing your eating habits is easy as long as you make sure you only have the new foods in the fridge, and you make them appealing enough to eat that you don't just go out and buy chips.

For example, start off with carrots, broccoli, celery, and cucumber with ranch dressing. Still savory, still high-cal, but a step in the right direction. Then over time, swap out the ranch for hummus, add a bit of sea salt to give some extra crunch and that salty flavor for fewer calories.

Make sure whenever you go shopping, you eat a full meal first. Write out your shopping list by the snacks and meals you'll make with those foods. Buy salted nuts and veggies with ranch or hummus instead of crackers or chips.

If you crave sweet things, grab a type of fruit that you like, a dark chocolate bar, and some good quality peanut butter. Melt the chocolate into the peanut butter and consume with fruit. Still sweet, but you're going to be full for longer off of this than just a chocolate bar.

When it comes to dinner, if you're tempted to order food instead of making something, eat a handful of nuts or a piece of fruit. This can take the edge off of the hunger for long enough to start cooking. If you really can't motivate yourself to cook, invite a friend over and say you'll make dinner! I've found that's a great way to motivate myself to cook, doing it for someone else.

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level 4
35 points · 2 months ago

Dude my mom gave me a bag of potatoes a few months back that I had completely forgotten about until this past weekend.

That was some rancid shit.

level 5

Rotten potatoes smell worse than just about anything I’ve ever smelled.

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level 4
11 points · 2 months ago

Damn I wish this wasn't relatable.

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level 3

Ah yes, the universal half eaten carrot bag. A staple of the America household since the last drops of the bottle of ranch.

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level 3

Oh look at Mr Fancy pants over here with his frozen vegetables!

level 4
9 points · 2 months ago

No, it's just Scott. He's a dick.

level 5

Hey guy, I am not a dick. Don't listen to those snow-squinters and their lies! I don't know what they are on aboot this time but I am not a dick!

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level 2
[deleted]
272 points · 2 months ago

Experience is preparing for the reality that you’ll have to do both tasks yourself.

level 3
48 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Well, its three tasks if you did the grocery shopping by yourself. So, it fits the rule of 3s model.

level 4

Well, it's four tasks if you drove yourself to go grocery shopping.

level 5
11 points · 2 months ago

Well, it's five if you made the list.

level 6

It's six if you made the menu.

level 7
Comment deleted2 months ago(4 children)

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level 2

I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. They carry everything in from the car. Little boy muscle competitions are MY benefit.

level 3

If you want them to get something for you, say that you'll time them. Worked wonders on my little brother.

level 2

What family?

level 3

Found Batman.

level 2
213 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Not just that, but I don't want the meat in the vegetable bin...and I don't want the siracha sriracha somewhere I can't see it. Bullshit. I'll put it away myself. What's it take? 5 minutes? Worth knowing where the fucking siracha sriracha is.

Edit: Fixed my shitty spelling and obvious ignorance for you pedantic cunts that I appreciate, because details are important. Doesn't change where the fucking siracha goes.

level 3
249 points · 2 months ago

My wife sure chose a weird Reddit username.

level 4

Same

level 4

So why do you put the meat in the vegetable drawer? Is it on purpose? I’m just trying to understand why my wife does these weird things

level 5

If I put veggies in there I forget about them. If there’s steaks or other deliciousness in there, I won’t forget about them

level 6
29 points · 2 months ago

That's some pretty solid logic

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level 5

I put meat in the vegetable drawer... What else would I put in there?

level 6

Beer.....?

level 7

Can confirm. Our vegetable drawer is full of beer at all times.

The little butter tray with the flip top is full if insulin.

Cheese drawer is cheese, we aren't animals.

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level 5

I put it in there so if the package leaks it is easy to clean up and also doesn’t ruin other food

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level 4

So did my husband...

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level 3

you mean the extra-space drawer? that's because the other drawer was full

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level 2

No shit. My wife carries the toilet paper and paper towels while the kid has door/dog duty. I get my petty revenge by putting the up-high stuff waaaaay in the back so they have to get the step stool.

level 3

That's where the chocolate goes. If you want the sweet stuff, you have to work for it.

level 3

This is legit.

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level 2

My mum always plonks two bags on the doorstep, rings the doorbell, and then disappears back to the car to get the next load. So you open the front door and you just HAVE to bring them in now! Gets me every time

level 3

That's when you close the door and go sit on the couch and wait for mom to come back and let her know that you think some dude doorbell ditched and got spooked and dropped his groceries on the porch.

level 4

You don't do that to the person giving you free food.

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level 2

Right? My husband hauls them all in and leaves them on the floor and on the island. He doesn’t put any of it away because he “doesn’t know where things go”

level 3

To be fair I always put away so I know where stuff is. I do most of the cooking so I really don’t mind

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level 2

This, this right here.

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level 2
[deleted]
25 points · 2 months ago

Nah mang that's how we've always been doing this. Either you carry or you tetris.

level 2

If you're not utilizing your kids properly that's your problem

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level 1

Greatness is bringing them all inside in one trip anyway.

level 2
2.1k points · 2 months ago

And then leaving them for someone else to put away

level 3

This is the deal with me and my wife. I bring them all in and she puts them away.

level 4

You got the easy job...

level 5
421 points · 2 months ago

With a lot of things, it's easier to have one person in charge of knowing where things go. Or else you'll have three different boxes of potato flakes in completely different cupboards.

level 6

I help by dividing things into categories on the counter. I don’t know exactly where these corn flakes go, but I think they’re more likely to go with the potato chips than the ice cream or the string cheese.

level 7
119 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Wow, this is kinda getting complicated now.

level 8

Not really. She stands in front of the fridge and one half of the kitchen, I stand at the other half. We each empty a bag of applicable groceries and hand off the remainder. Repeat until all bags are empty.

level 9
115 points · 2 months ago

Your way sounds way better than ours. We basically go:

  1. Remove everything from all of the bags onto counter tops.

  2. Gather up all the cold stuff and put them away in one big pile in the fridge.

  3. Leave everything else on counters until you expect company over then frantically put it all in the pantry.

level 10

The real next-level of this is to pack your own bags at the store according to where they will go in your kitchen. I love going to WinCo because it's like a game to me.

level 10

This sounds like how we do dishes. They never make it to the cabinets. We just pull them from the dishwasher. Hopefully they’re clean but crap shoot.

level 10

Damn.

Well, at least your spouse's name isn't Pat.

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level 6

And the person who cooks should definitely be the one who organizes the kitchen. When I moved in with my wife she tried to make the kitchen all cutesy Pinterest style, even though all she ever cooks is ramen and microwaved popcorn.

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level 5

probably not for the wife. She probably can't carry them all in at once. I know mine can't.

level 6

I'm the wife. I carry them all in and put it all away. He pays for it.

level 7

You are obviously not spydermike's wife or mine.

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level 3

Even though you live by yourself

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level 2

this is why we lift, my Brothers and Sisters of Iron

level 3

If you can bring in all your groceries in one trip, youre not eating enough. If you can't bring in all your groceries in one trip, youre not lifting enough.

level 4

Ah, Broden’s Paradox

level 5

Do you know the whey?

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level 3

Carrying in all the groceries in all at once is much tougher than lifting for me. Especially if you have entire bottles of liquids

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level 2

And no matter what, your keys are always in the other pocket.

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level 1
3.6k points · 2 months ago

And being married is knowing that you're going to have to put all the groceries away anyways no matter how long you take to bring them all in.

level 2
1.3k points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Husband: "I'm going to go get the rest. Can you start putting it away?"

Wife: "Yeah."

-cut to Husband carrying in the second load while wife is laying on the couch, her jeans replaced with pajamas-

H: "You didn't put anything away!"

W: "I got distracted!"

Edit: Just to clear up some confusion. My wife is my best friend and the opposite of this is:

W: "Can you help me with this laundry?"

H: "Yeah, I just need to use the bathroom real quick."

-cut to 45 minutes later as husband finally comes out of bathroom with the Jimmy legs-

W: "Laundry is done already."

H: "I got distracted by Reddit."

level 3
441 points · 2 months ago

Guess I have a great wife, I unload and she unpacks regardless of trips taken

level 4
236 points · 2 months ago

Guess everyone is extremely lazy, never thought of "unpacking" as work.

level 5

But then you have to put it where it all belongs. Anything you started having to do past age 10 is pretty much all work. (Laundry, Mowing Lawn, etc.)

level 6

Not unless you choose to enjoy it. You can go around being miserable at all the work you have to do or you can just gaslight yourself.

level 7

or you can just gaslight yourself.

Great idea. I've always been happy to do chores.

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level 7

Meta

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level 7

Oh I try to enjoy it. I love mowing the lawn because I can listen to a podcast or music while I do it, and I just save my laundry in a basket and crank it out once a week for 10 minutes while I watch Netflix.

level 8
[deleted]
15 points · 2 months ago

Growing up, I always wondered why my dad always insisted on cutting the grass himself. Now that I have kids, I realize, that is the only 1-2 hours a week he had to himself, and I do the same thing. No phone, nobody else bothering him. Half the time anymore, I don't even put headphones in. Just nice to kick my brain into neutral for awhile.

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level 5
[deleted]
18 points · 2 months ago

When I unpack the groceries I like to empty the old and bad food out of the refrigerator, rearrange the shelves so the new food will fit, and when I put the stuff in the pantry I typically have to rearrange that as well. I would say putting the groceries away takes me a good 5 to 15 minutes depending on the size of the trip. I also do the vast majority of my shopping at Costco so I will typically take all the bulk purchase items and individually rap everything for easy freezing and Refrigeration.

My girlfriend one time stacked all the items in the pantry in reverse size order with the smallest item on the bottom gradually increasing in size to the largest item on top which was five times the size of the bottom item. When the next person opened the pantry door everything fell over.

I unload the groceries now.

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level 5
25 points · 2 months ago

It’s not so much work as a hassle, gotta organize it in the fridge and what not. Also absolutely hate going to the grocery store so anything that’s extra sucks.

level 6

How do you hate the grocery store? It’s literally a giant store full of awesome food.

You need to start getting a few extra “you” things to make it more enjoyable. I always take a stroll down the candy isle or ice cream isle, and I usually always get myself a nice chocolate milk or bottle of Gatorade or something. Makes the whole experience really nice actually.

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level 3

“I went to the restroom“

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level 3

Are we married to the same woman?

level 3
6 points · 2 months ago

^ This guy is married.

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level 2

Nah, I help carry in the first load, then start putting stuff away while hubby brings in the rest. It's no fair if one person does it all.

level 3

This is the same rule me and my wife follow as well. It just works.

level 3

That's our rule as well. Of course my wife has to pee as soon as we get in and that takes about 20 minutes.

level 4

Then you’re asked with a scowl why you didn’t put things away.

I also live in a household where one person washes the dishes if the other cooks. However, I also live in a household where I cook a few days a week and get stuck with the dishes every day.

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level 3

I'm great at bringing in 99% of what we bought, then accidentally leaving a package of hotdogs or something perishable hidden between the seats that we find out about 2 weeks later.

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level 2

or you can make kids do it all, and tell your wife they need to learn it.

level 3

Are you my dad?

level 4

Is it you, father of many groceries?

level 3

I just made my younger sister do it once she was old enough. It’s an hierarchy I tell ya.

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level 2

Infinite wisdom is knowing your wife will start playing with the kid while you’re lugging groceries into the house so that she doesn’t have to put them away, so you pretend that you have to take a shit so she HAS to put them away.

level 3

Always start rubbing your belly on the way home, so your inevitable sojourn to the restroom will be believable.

-- Confucius

level 4

Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.


"Just a bot trying to brighten up someone's day with a laugh. | Message me if you have one you want to add."

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level 2
Original Poster89 points · 2 months ago

I disagree. I learned this after I got married and went shopping with my wife.

level 3

And with time you will know to agree

level 4

Yes, Dear.

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level 2

And being single means you do all of it for yourself and there's nobody else to blame when it doesn't get done.

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level 1
802 points · 2 months ago

But I live alone :c

level 2
418 points · 2 months ago

Store all your food in your car, that way you don't have to carry anything or put anything away since it's already there

level 3

Live in the car

level 4
54 points · 2 months ago
level 5

Seven degrees of separation but with r/vandwellers

level 5

Down by the river?

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level 4

Live in the supermarket so you never have to go anywhere else

level 4
Comment deleted2 months ago(2 children)
level 5
12 points · 2 months ago

...become the car

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level 2

Well just get a family...duh!

level 3
36 points · 2 months ago

Can I have yours?

level 4

you should be careful with what you ask for.

level 5
14 points · 2 months ago

How could I regret getting free meat for the freezer in my basement?

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level 1
510 points · 2 months ago

Knowledge is knowing that you can carry all the groceries in one trip.

Wisdom is knowing that full hands can't open doors.

level 2

All I need is one finger free, I'll get that door open or die trying.

level 3

OP underestimates my fingers biceps.

level 3

When we bought our house, I changed the deadbolt and doorknob.

  • The deadbolt has a keypad so I don’t need a key.

  • The doorknob is one of the handle ones.

All I need free is a single finger or nose.

level 4

Nose? Are you related to Pinocchio?

level 5
9 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Sorry, I meant human horn

Edit: I’m too tired and out of it for this to be funny. Or relevant. Sorry.

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level 2

Insight is knowing you will need to open the door so you don't close it all the way to kick it open.(Assuming your door opens inward)

Happy cakeday

level 3

Screen doors are the crux of this insight :(

level 4

Dont... close it?

level 5
16 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Most of screen doors are spring loaded to close. Most have metal stops to keep them open, but bugs and my dogs will run. Speakig about actual screen "doors" not sliding screens.

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level 2

Watch me.

level 2

Dexterity is being able to open the door.

level 2

Experience is setting things down right in front of the door and setting them inside afterwards.

level 2

Which is why you carry everything on your arms so you can still use your hands

level 2

greatness is opening the door with your feet

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level 1

my cat has yet to put away a single grocery... little bastard won't lift a paw.

level 2
138 points · 2 months ago

Mine refuse to cook dinner no matter how nicely I ask them. Freeloaders.

Edit: Spellcheck

level 3

We've been talking to our dog about getting a job, she hasn't filled out a single application as far as I can tell.

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level 2

Fry up a sautéed mouse and make him watch you eat it. That’ll learn ‘im.

level 2

Damn freeloaders

level 2

lucky. mine will eat the groceries

level 2

Yeah my cat just shrwed everything and chews on all the raw veges.

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level 1
58 points · 2 months ago

Sadness is living alone and knowing that no matter what you do, you are putting those groceries away yourself.

level 2

But you will have everything where you want, you'll be able to find it again later (ideally), and no one to eat all of your favorite snack before you even get a taste.

level 3
[deleted]
20 points · 2 months ago

Experience is choosing a life partner with opposite preferences in snack food.

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level 1
530 points · 2 months ago

OP, have you ever been told that you're future CEO material?

level 2
Original Poster309 points · 2 months ago

No but thank you. I'll be sure to share the bonus with the employees instead of keeping it all to myself.

level 3
500 points · 2 months ago

Never mind, you're a terrible CEO.

level 4
Original Poster176 points · 2 months ago

Does that make me the CEO you want or the CEO you need?

level 5
363 points · 2 months ago

The CEO who got removed by the board of directors.

level 6

‘He must be worse at being a CEO than the guy that wants the job for more pay... especially since he’s giving his pay to the other employees. He must not value himself, so he must not have value; let’s replace him.’

level 7
54 points · 2 months ago

He prioritized the long term health of the company over short term profits, he's obviously incompetent.

level 7

Oh I hate how accurate this comment is.

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level 6

Oooh best comment

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level 5

Neither...Get out before I call security!

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level 3

What’s 15% of $4,300?

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level 2
30 points · 2 months ago

A CEO would get someone else to carry the groceries and to put them away.

level 3

And call it a training period to bypass minimum wage

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level 1

Strength is being able to cary the 32 case of water AND the jumbo jug of Tide at the same time.

Dexterity is being able to catch the can of green beans on your foot as it rolls out the car door and kick it back into a sack.

Constitution is being able to stand outside the door in the hot sun with your arms full waiting on someone to come back out for a second trip so they open the door for you.

Charisma is only making one trip with the lightest items then staying inside in the air conditioning putting away stuff and making the Cleric who is making his 3rd trip think it was his idea.

level 2

God bless the lawful-good suckers of the world.

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level 1
60 points · 2 months ago

Enlightenment is knowing I can bring all the groceries in at the same time and by not letting others put them away I won't find the Clorox bleach next to the bag of potatoes.

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level 1

Depression is knowing that there’s nobody else there, and that fast food isn’t technically groceries.

level 2
35 points · 2 months ago

Groceries? Is that an antiquated term for Uber Eats?

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level 2

Always remember that even when you aren't thinking of others there are still people out there thinking about you, and people come for free food when invited.

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level 1

One of us brings in all the groceries, the other puts them all away. It definitely seemed more equitable before we moved to the third floor...

level 2
Original Poster22 points · 2 months ago

Looks like it's time to move. When they ask why, just say "reasons".

level 3

Trust me, I’m pushing to move! If only we hadn’t signed a year lease two weeks ago...

level 4

That's like me asking if it's time to go home when I sit down at work.

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level 4

Don't move! Being the grocery grabber for a 3rd floor apartment means you will never have to worry about skipping leg day or arm day again!

level 5

And your heat bill is cheaper on the 3rd floor! Also, no neighbors above you bowling with their cats at 3am.

level 6

I love the image that this gave me. I couldn’t think of a better way to describe upstairs neighbors.

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level 1

Power is carrying them all in at once, and making them put the groceries away.

level 2

I wish I had the power to make my groceries put themselves away.

level 2

I tried this once and burst a blood vessel in my eye. Worth it.

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level 1

I did something similar to this. I would always go to the bathroom right after dinner so that by the time I got out most of dinner would be cleaned up.

level 2

So this is why my husband always runs into the bathroom as soon as we come in from the grocery store.

level 3

Work smarter not harder

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level 1

Awareness is knowing that your family members are too lazy to put them away while you bring them in.

level 1

Ooooor, carry all the groceries in at once LIKE A BOSS. Then proceed to lie down in the middle of the floor surrounded by food stuff until your wife rolls her eyes at you and puts it all away.

level 1

Reality is other family members just pick the best snacks from your first trip and bail. Those were my Teddy Grahams!

level 1

And depression is carrying the groceries in by yourself and then putting them away by yourself because you are single and you live alone.

Actually, who am i kidding. You're only carrying in a case a of beer and a large pizza and garlic bread. There is also no need to put it away because you are gonna eat it one sitting in front of the tv and then feel even worse about yourself. Then you'll keep drinking until you pass out on the couch, wake up around 2:30 stumble to your bed where you will crash for a few hours before being late to work the next morning. You will sit through 8+ hours of mind numbing boredom and get out only to repeat the process again, but this time with fried chicken because the people at the pizza store remember you and they are starting to feel sorry for you.

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level 1

Experience is making someone else go shopping.

level 1

What are these family members you speak of?

level 1

Power is knowing you can just walk in and have the kids bring in the groceries and put them away.

level 1

Intelligence is understanding that nobody is gonna put jack shit away for you

level 1

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is to not add it to fruit salad. Intuition is to never use a tomato as a pair of glasses. A hunch is to never trust a tomato. Sense is fearing the tomatoes are out to kill you.

level 1

Experience tells you the ice-cream will be melting in the shopping bag by the time you're done.

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level 1

Look at this guy, with his fancy family. Us single peoples gotta dangle a bag from each finger.

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level 1

How do I block this post on my husbands reddit account? He must not be allowed to see

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level 1

Haha! Here is another one I heard.

Knowledge is knowing that tomatoes are fruits. Wisdom is knowing not to put tomatoes in a fruit salad.

level 2
31 points · 2 months ago
  • Strength is being able to crush a tomato.

  • Dexterity is being able to dodge a tomato.

  • Constitution is being able to eat a bad tomato.

  • Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit.

  • Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad.

  • Charisma is being able to sell a tomato based fruit salad.

level 3

5e in a nutshell

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