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Posted byWere it so easy...1 year ago
ArchivedStickied postModerator of r/TwoXChromosomes

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Stickied post

The loss of a baby is one of the most isolating and devastating experiences there is. Our culture generally handles death pretty poorly, and the death of a baby is a very taboo subject. One of my first thoughts after my baby died was, "Everyone is going to be afraid of me now". I wish that I had been wrong, but I wasn't. Loving friends and family members tiptoed around me, and after a short time seemed to expect that I would be "back to normal". For me, everything had changed. My entire future had been rewritten, and a few months was not enough time for recovery. I missed by baby daughter incredibly, and I wanted to be her mother more than anything. I craved connection with someone who would understand the depth of my pain.

Empty Arms (www.emptyarmsbereavement.org) works with professionals, at the bedside with newly bereaved families, and through support groups and other events to make this experience less isolating and terrifying for families. The presence of another person who has "been there" can make an enormous difference for a person experiencing loss. Knowing even one person who has experienced loss and can attest to the pain and struggle but who can also share stories of growth and courage can be life changing. That's what we want to provide for every person in our community who loses their baby.

Statistically, one in four confirmed pregnancies ends in loss. So why the taboo? We're not sure, but we'd like to work to end it. Increasing people's knowledge about this experience seems like a great place to start. So ask away!

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Posted by11 hours agoGilded1

Last night my husband and I were at a concert. We got pretty cheap $20 lawn seats. About 20 minutes into the first set, a venue employee approached us and asked if we’d like to have a free upgrade. We said sure, and moved from the lawn into almost the floor. It was really cool!

We sat down in our seats and suddenly someone is tapping my shoulder. I turn around and an older man is looking at me angrily. “Are these really your seats?” I said yes, and he said “really? Well where have you been? Why would you show up almost 2 hours late.”

(Now, a few things. It “started” at 7, but the main bands didn’t go on until 8, and it was 8:30, not 9. Additionally, my mom had trained me growing up to never stand up for myself and always to apologize even if I wasn’t in the wrong. I have to fight this part of my upbringing everyday. )

Instead of apologizing for inconveniencing him, I looked him right in the eyes and said “I wasn’t aware you and I had an appointment.” He did not like that, ended up moving to several more seats, was blocked by a speaker and eventually left.

It felt so good to stand up for myself, even though I know in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t that big of a deal. I just wanted to share with you all.

Edit: I can’t believe this post blew up like this! Thank you. Thank you for the gold kind stranger! (Never thought I’d get to say that!)

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I wanted to share this story from the weekend that really worked as a great reminder for me to always trust my instincts when meeting new people.

I (F28) went to the opening of a small exhibition one of my friends had put on. The exhibition was inside of a bar, very small and low key. After saying hi to everyone me and my friend (F28) sat down to talk. We were in the middle of a conversation when two men interrupted us to ask if they could join our table. There were two seats open, so we gestured for them to sit down, and then we continued our conversation as before. We deliberately didn't involve them as we were in the middle of a really private discussion. Only a moment goes by before one of them interrupts us again with: "What do you have on your arm".

What i have on my arms are shitty tattoos that i got the bulk of when i was a lot younger than i am now. Like almost every other patron at the bar that night. I knew he didn't care about the tattoos, and i knew he didn't care that he was interrupting. He just wanted to establish contact with the two girls at the table. I didn't feel like indulging him, since he was knowingly interrupting. I replied that i had tattoos, and then I described to him what tattoos are (he asked!). He didn't find that funny at all, and he grabbed my arm to have a closer look. When i tried to pull my arm back he grabbed it harder. I told him to let go, my friend told him. We scolded him, but in a joking manner since I was at this point a little freaked out by how hard he had grabbed me. He told me to lighten up, that he just wanted to talk and that i was over reacting. We decided to leave.

The next day i find small finger-shaped bruises growing on my arm.

I am convinced that he grabbed me that hard to retaliate and to save face.

I felt vindicated (and furious!) when the bruises showed up. You don't bruise people that you just want to talk to. Ugh!

Please never let politenes overrule your own reading of a situation! And don't feel like you owe politeness to people who have shown you none!

(English is not my first language.)

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Fuck that. I’m not your fucking mother. I have no plans on being your mom. You are a grown ass adult and you should be keeping yourself in line. Don’t ask me if you should be studying for your test instead of being on Facebook, You want a third piece of cake? Go for it, not my fucking job to stop you. You want to spend an exuberant amount of money on a new gun sight? Great! It is NOT my responsibility to tell you how to spend your money. You’re on your fifth round of drinks, but again, I’m not your mother. The next morning when you feel like shit DO NOT tell me it was my responsibility to stop you, how I should be more like so-and-so’s girlfriend. You’re a big boy.

I’m talking about an ex here, not just one but multiple. I feel like these are the kinds of men who will push a woman to see how much they can get away with, to see how strong her boundaries are. The boundaries we set for ourselves keep us free, but the men who consistently try to test them, FUCK OFF.

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Probably has been covered, here, but I realised the importance of saying WHAT YOU MEAN (not what saves face for the other person) in these situations:

I had traveled to Indianapolis last week for GenCon, but it's a marijuana-unfriendly state (I currently live in Cali, where marijuana smoke flows as freely as the mists over the coastal mountains), so I didn't have my usual stash. I grew up in the ghetto in NY, so I've no problem "finding" weed. As a woman, however (and one of small stature, no less), this comes with risks. I'm aware of the risks.

After some exploration and conversation with a few locals, a guy rides by on his bike (his moniker was Kentucky this day), with the obvious intent of flirting. Which is fine with me; I tend to return friendliness in kind, and harmless flirting, although I am clear and firm in my refusals, doesn't bother me.

We chatted, I told him I wasn't interested, and he began going off on his way, finally shouting something like "Imma go smoke a blunt," or whatever obvious weed reference he had made.

At this point, I say "Whoa, whoa, whoa, Kentucky, hold up!" I tell him I've been looking for it, and ask if he can procure it. He can, and rides off to do so.

I knew he was interested, I knew I was in a seedy part of town, I knew I was alone and "vulnerable," but I've been alone and "vulnerable" in seedy parts of town most of my life, and have defended myself whenever I've needed to (I've always got some form of protection on me, even when I don't need it, to the amusement of my Cali native partner).

So, when Kentucky returns and we "take a walk;" I'm very aware, very prepared, but not "on edge," or overly wound up. He's been making his over-exaggerated statements the whole time: "I love you," "You're so beautiful," "The things I'd do to you..." etc. At some point, he asks if he can hug me, and I say "Aight, but if you touch me, I'mma hit you." He laughs, he hugs me, he asks for more, I say no.

Here's the important part: as we are walking, he puts his arm around me. I pull away, and he asks "oh, hey, its ok, are you nervous?" I answered "No. You're making me uncomfortable." He immediately pulled away and apologised. I realised two things; one, I've often gotten that line. "Are you nervous?" is a line that can be used to gain leverage. If you respond with "no," he can go further. If you respond with "yes," he can talk you out of it, try to put you at ease. However, the second realisation is that fighting my flat out, truthful, blunt statement would have been too rapey. It would have been too obvious.

So, I realised, don't worry about making them uncomfortable. Don't worry about forcing them to see that their actions actually do make you uncomfortable. Don't let your boundaries be violated because you have an erroneous view on how much you can make someone else "uncomfortable," or "guilty," or "angry." Do NOT provide the "wiggle room" that they will seize and exploit until the situation escalates beyond your control.

I later texted Kentucky, and thanked him for respecting the boundary that I did enforce.

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My brother in law will post and make comments on Facebook that are unkind, cruel, offensive, or all the above. Usually it is related to politics and people in the public. Last week, he posted a video of a large size woman on the beach who was knocked over by a wave and struggled to get up. Water was going over her head at times. Her swim suit was coming off and she was having a hard time all around. People were ignoring her and the person she was with, except for the person recording (instead of helping her!). The video was several minutes long of her tossed around and could have drowned.

My BIL shared this video and made a comment about her being a whale on the beach.

I was livid. I have NEVER responded to offensive online crap before because it doesn't accomplish much and you just get dirty on their level. This was my response:

I'm sad that you feel this is entertaining and participated in shaming another person who is clearly having difficulty.

What did she do that deserved to be called names and have this moment recorded and shared all over the world for others to join in solidarity of their judgement?

Could this be a funny moment? Sure, if your thought is 'yup, I've been there before!' Is this a bullying moment? Sure, if you thought is 'yuk, she is so fat she can't even get up'.

Yes, how dare she enjoy a beach. How dare she expose more skin than I want to see. How dare she have a moment where she is not at her best, but she is going to live her life and enjoy what everyone else enjoys.

This week, my family is taking a beach vacation. Although I am not of the size of the person targeted in your shared video, I am not that far from it. I will be hearing your words while I play with my children on the shore. When the water knocks us over, I will have this woman's image in my mind and remember how you view others in this situation. When I look at my 3yr old daughter as we play on the beach, I will try my absolute best to not plant seeds of self hate, shame, and insecurities that our culture, that our own family, encourages others to swallow while laughing it off as 'it's just a joke!'

This is not about fat, thin, male, female, etc. This is about respect for other humans. If you can't participate in lifting another person up when they are in need of help, then just keep on going.

I expect that you will have a long detailed response for this comment. I will say that I will not participate in a dialogue because the video and words speak for themselves.

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I just wanted to share this here because I am completely floored yet so proud of my daughter and I don't put stuff out there to many people who would care or understand.

Background: I didn't have good, communicative examples of strong women growing up. I learned most things on my own. I had food, clothing, and didn't want for much. My family is nice but they should be professional maids for how much they sweep under the rug. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way and it took me a long time to grow up and have any sort of self-awareness, accountability, maturity, etc.

My kiddo is 14 and entering high school. Good kid. She still likes me, has nice friends, works hard, does well in school, and we talk a lot. I am very open and honest with her, sometimes to the chagrin of my husband. She is in band, show choir, and has a healthy social life.

She got her first boyfriend back in February. We've been open about talking about him and their relationship. He is a year younger. They hung out a lot and talked a lot but also seemed to respect each others space and activities. Over the summer things changed. She has been really busy. She has been in camps and at practices and on vacation. She also has her chores at home and she volunteers. She is also very connected to her friends that have been her besties since 1st grade. Boyfriend, unbeknownst to me, had begun getting demanding of her time and complaining. She was getting overwhelmed and stressed out. Last night she broke up with him and it broke her heart. She said it was too much right now and she was stressed out. She said that she was really sad because she didn't want to hurt him and she did. She explained everything to him and he, of course, was not happy. She still cares about the kid and likes him but she felt like she needed to be fair to him and to herself and do what was best for her regardless of guilt and who it would hurt.

I am so proud of her. I don't want to crush her with praise for doing something normal, but WOW. At 14 she was able to have enough self-awareness and confidence and respect for herself that she was able to make a shitty decision that she knew would hurt but would be what was best for her.

I couldn't have done the same at that age. No. Way. I would've stayed in a relationship out of guilt and fear of being lonely. Not my girl though. She has goals. She knows how she wants to feel and she knew this relationship was making her unhappy. She also didn't want to hurt someone else but was able to still have her boundaries. She made a hard decision out of love for herself and her desires at this point in her life.

Again, I'm so proud of her. It makes all of the talks I think are pointless at times so incredibly worth it. She values others and herself but also knows what is and isn't healthy in terms of relationships and feelings. Her sense of loyalty and commitment to things and people has always been strong, but her sense of loyalty and commitment to herself at an age where that can be incredibly difficult is astounding to me.

Another first and tough battle with lessons learned. When I grow up I want to be my daughter. She is such a special human. Like...just really amazingly special and kind and strong. I may be biased but imo the coolest kid to ever to play a clarinet and sing showtunes while contemplating algebraic equations and planning sleepovers.

Keep forging ahead if you're raising these little people. Learn from your past so you can give your shrinky humans the best guidance possible.

Thanks for reading!

TL;dr Teen daughter isn't a self-absorbed asshole. I'm really proud of what a cool person she is becoming and all of the things she is doing that I wasn't strong enough to do.

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I'm at a loss of what to do... I'm 24. I had an IUD I started feeling sick a few weeks ago and thought nothing of it. It didn't go away though. I had some bad cramping and went to PP. Apparently my IUD is no longer in place and I'm pregnant. I'm emotional and freaking out. I didn't want this. I hooked up with two people this summer, and one of them was just in the last few weeks and we used protection. The other is my ex. I don't even want to tell him. I just want to go on with my life and forget about everything. I love him but I just know it's never going to work and if I tell him I feel like he'd be angry. I have an ultra sound scheduled tomorrow to see whether or not it's ectopic. The lady at the office said that it's fairly common with IUD pregnancies and there's a good chance I may miscarry. I feel awful for hoping I do. I'm just a wreck and this piles onto all the awful shit I'm dealing with right now. I feel like an idiot.... I don't know what to do.... I was pregnant before with a different ex and had an abortion and he was there for me and it made it easier. I don't have anyone here for me this time and I don't want to tell any of my friends or family.

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I listened to the excellent podcast 'Dirty John' a while back and wondered this.

After some Googling, I found out that this idea has been floated several times in UK parliament in the past decade, but has never come to anything. Does anyone know more about it, or why it hasn't gained traction?

We have something here known as Clare's Law, which allows people to enquire with the police as to whether a partner has a history of domestic abuse, but it doesn't cover coercive control, financial abuse or stalking. Also, it really only gets used when the abuse has already begun (if it is used at all...many people don't know it exists).

A list would be a more familiar concept to people, would be able to warn people in advance that someone has a record of repeatedly abusing their partners.

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I’m so angry with myself. I’m a pretty mild mannered person and I smile at most people I walk by anyway, but this guy beat me me to it. In my workplace. I don’t owe you anything random temp I’ve never seen before. I’m not smiling because you told me too. Stupid involuntary reaction. Stupid stupid stupid. /endrant

Edit for clarity: He told me to smile in a condescending manner and because I was already planning to, I did.

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(Apologies for formatting, on mobile)

I’m currently waiting to see a Gyno. My appointment is in 3 weeks, though it shall be brought forward if there is an opening in her schedule. I’ve been referred to this Dr. as she mostly treats patients of my age range and specialises in endometriosis.

This will be my 3rd Gyn in 4 years along with changing GPs in a bid to be taken seriously and have my issues addressed. My newest GP is the most caring and understanding I have seen. She is genuinely trying to help me. I feel so validated in my struggles with this to finally have a medical professional understand and agree that this is not normal.

Yet I am still terrified of visiting another dismissive and rude gynecologist.

My mental health will not hold up, not to mention the added financial stress, to be paying a specialist and receiving no answers.

Has anyone been through the processes of being officially diagnosed with endometriosis? What should I expect?

How do you mentally deal with dismissive and rude specialists?

How do you convey the severity of your symptoms and have them taken seriously?

How do you become your own advocate?

Any advice or knowledge welcomed

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This case and the behavior by the defense attorney makes me infuriated. A doctor raped a patient at a hospital, disabled her call button so she couldn’t get help, and his defense is flat on saying she seduced him.

‘“He made a mistake, but he didn’t sexually assault her,” attorney Lisa Andrews said in her closing argument, pointing to her 46-year-old client. “Here we have this Latina woman with her fake boobs that came onto that little nerdy middle-aged guy, and he lost his mind.”‘

https://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/houston-texas/houston/article/Former-Ben-Taub-doctor-accused-of-raping-patient-13158623.php#photo-13155463

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So two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very shocking and very scary. I am no where near ready to have a child. I just got over cancer for the 3rd time. So after we discussed our options we both decided it was best for me to end the pregnancy until I was 100% healthy and there was no risk posed to the baby or myself. Yesterday I woke up with horrible cramps and had to rush to the bathroom, I had a miscarriage. Now he was relieved and said that it was a good thing. I waited until after he left for work and took another pregnancy test, sure enough this one was negative. I am relieved too, but I also feel guilty for feeling relieved. It was one thing to have the choice and end my pregnancy, but to have a miscarriage and to be relieved is another story. I'm not sure what to do, I feel very conflicted.

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Would love to hear from folks who've had large masses removed from their ovaries!! After months of extreme fatigue, no appetite but lots of weight gain, heavier periods, difficulty going to the bathroom, and weird pains in my pelvis and back, I finally got in for an ultrasound, and they found not one but TWO 10cm x 10cm masses - one on each ovary. I've also been slowly recovering from a severe concussion during this time (I slipped in the shower in January) so it took me a while to recognize that there was also something weird going on with my bits. I'm going in for a follow up with a new gyn today bc planned parenthood was like "ummm, we can't manage this" (I love PP and always go there for my annual visits bc I want to support them as much as possible). The ultrasound shows that the masses are consistent with dermoid cysts (TEETH!!), but I have to get an MRI to confirm. Here are my questions - how much time between the discovery of your giant cysts and the removal of your giant cysts?? How was surgery / recovery?? What do you wish somebody had told you before you had them removed?? Were they able to save your ovaries?? If they had to remove your ovaries, how did you manage the early onset of menopause?? Was it cancer?? Did you feel so much better after the masses were removed????? If they didn't remove your cysts - why??? How soon were you able to get back to work after surgery?? Did they let you keep the teeth and if so what kind of jewelry did you make with them??

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So, I (30/m) ride the train to for my commute and I have noticed a very beautiful woman who rides a nearly identical route with me at the same times. I would love to engage with her and introduce myself, but I am very aware of how uncomfortable that might be for her and I would like some feedback on what would be the best way to go about that (or if its even a good idea at all).

Like most people using public transit she seems to keep to herself for the most part, though I have once seen her chatting with another rider. We are about the same age and I have been told I am an attractive, chill guy, but past that I am at a loss to determine whether or not she is open to be approached or not. I am not usually the type to hit on women in public and like I said I don't want her to feel uncomfortable at all so any input on how to go about situations like this would be much appreciated!

Thanks in advance ;)

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Hi my name is Ricki. I live in Upstate Ny. After contemplating what sub I should reach out to, I decided that this might be the appropriate place.

My best friend Brittany passed away in June. She overdosed after completing an inpatient Rehab in Michigan. This wasn’t her first time completing a recovery program. Months before her passing I had cut ties with her due to her relapse. Being in recovery myself, I couldn’t risk being around her while she was actively using. It killed me to walk away from her but I couldn’t bare to watch her derail. She would call me her Twin Flame, a term she had learned from a therapist her first time in rehab. It was true. She was my other half and at a point in our friendship we were even sexually involved. We were best friends. We played as children and hung out as teens. I loved Brittany in every sense of the word. Walking away from our friendship tore me up inside. I’d tell myself, “I’m better off” “She doesn’t give a fuck about our friendship”. But really, I knew what she was going through. She was in a bad place, mentally and physically. After cutting her off I contacted her brother and told him I was afraid she was going to die. He called me 2 months 1/2 months later and told me she was on life support and most likely wasn’t going to make it. In that moment, time froze. It felt like my whole world just stopped. I felt the urgent need to be with her. Seeing her being kept alive on machines wasn’t the way I wanted to remember her, but I felt I needed closure. I’ve lived a lot of life for being 23. I’ve seen things no one should ever have to see and have faced demons no one should ever have to battle. I’d consider myself a pretty tough woman but seeing my best friend like that completely broke me down. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs ,a part of me even wanted to run. I sat there next to her and touched her face. She was warm to the touch, her hair half down and half up, in two little buns. I had never seen her hair like that before. She was as beautiful as ever. At this point, the MRI had confirmed our worst fear, no signs of brain activity. The little activity she did have was being crushed by the swelling in her brain. I remember feeling confused. Her body was still alive, her heart being pumped by the machine. But was she already gone? I walked out of her room knowing that would be the last time I saw her. Her family made the decision to let her go peacefully and donate her organs. A helicopter was waiting to take her heart to a teenage boy needing a transplant.

I miss her everyday. In a way I have a bit of survivors guilt. I’ve been clean from heroin for 3 years . My anniversary date being 8/8/15. I prayed every day that she would find the will and strength to get better. I’m upset I couldn’t do more and I’m struggling with my grief. If anyone has any advice or any suggested reading material please feel free to comment. Sorry for the long post but I feel better just typing all this out. Thanks.

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This is so pathetic of me but I have to admit that i am very desperate to get a boyfriend (i need to get this out of my chest). I've tried every single thing ever to get a boyfriend, from using tinder to searching for a guy in the r4r subreddit. I've been messaging some boys from college and some other from my high schools, obssesively looking for Mr. Right. I've realized that this has become unhealthy for a while but I just can't seem to stop.

To be very honest, I am jealous and insecure of how most of my friends in college are in a steady relationship. I am also insecure about how I look, I feel ugly and unattractive for being single. And of course I just feel lonely, I have loving friends and family but I feel like they don't understand me much and I dream of this Mr. Right who will finally and ultimately understand me. Of course it's ridiculous, I am being very unrealistic and stupid but I can't help myself.

Please help me out with this, I am still young (just around 20) but I am very afraid of being single forever. I am afraid of being too ugly or too weird or too different to be desired. Once again I know that my worries and my actions are hardly rational but I just can't help myself. I've been trying to pick up new language to learn and new hobby to do but I always get sucked back in this 'i am going to be single forever nobody wants me i am a hideous unlikeable troll' nonsense which spiralled into me creating 20 online dating profiles and then later deleting it. I am so pathetic please give me advice on how to overcome this obsession of mine :(

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Hi all,

This has happened over a week ago, and I’m here seeking advices, both legal and otherwise, on behalf of a friend. My friend was an international student from China, studying at University of Toronto. She was sexually assaulted (an attempted rape) by an upperclass student at the same college. The upperclass student is a permanent resident of Canada. She immediately informed the UToronto counseling service the same day the incident occurred. To our surprise, the counselor at UToronto advised her not to inform the police or press charges against the perpetrator while offered her “counseling”/“therapy” so as to help her get over the traumatizing event. Nor, to my acknowledgement, does the UToronto administration intend to do anything to said upperclassman in regard to this sexual assault incident.

I have several questions/concern here: Is it too late for her to call the cops, since a week has passed and I imagine the chance for any physical evidence would be slim? If so, does the responsibility of finding/possessing evidence over a sexual assault case fall on the victim? (Shouldn’t the police help finding evidence?) What sort of evidence does she need in order to press charges and make certain the perpetrator be prosecuted? Is there any legal variants since the victim is an international student on a Chinese passport? Should the school, in this whole event, be taking on legal responsibility over dissuading her from calling the police, since by doing so, it drastically decreased the chance of police’s finding out any physical evidence?

And finally: at this point, what do you think is the best course of action, both legal and otherwise, that we should take in order to, simply put, get justice? Any advice/help will be appreciated!

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I'm a 21 yo woman who is probably below average in appearance, not a stunner in any way etc. I train handball several days of the week. I don't dress provocatively, I usually dress in jeans or t shirt or something else boring (I have really bad sense of style). I've noticed recently that a lot of women my age and older stare at me?!

It's not a quick glance either, they can be staring several seconds and don't even turn away when I stare back. What is this all about?

Guys do not stare at me as much, they often don't look at me at all or give a quick glance and thats it. I have never dated seriously because men are usually not interested in me so I don't bother with it.

I'm feeling paranoid because I feel like women are extremely judgemental and shallow toward other women. What if I'm not pretty enough and they stare at me because they find I look weird or just outright ugly?

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