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[WP] Despite all attempts, neither Adam nor Eve laid a hand on the forbidden fruit; after all God told them not to. The Almighty One, however, is getting frustrated by this, because he cannot initiate his Great Plan without them doing so.

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level 1

" Why don't they touch the fruit?" wondered God. "After all, I wired their brains so that they're susceptible to reverse psychology ..."

He pondered for a moment. "Perhaps because I am God, My command was too strong? Perhaps that's the case ... as nothing can happen without My willing it, apparently. Did I not create the Tree of Good and Evil, and the Tree of Life, so that Adam and Eve can have the opportunity? How should I tweak the situation so that The Grand Story of the Universe can be set into motion?"

His Spirit soared over the waters until He approached dry land. Up, up he flew over the shore, over the coastal plain, over the mountains. He crested over the lip of the valley that contained the Garden of Eden.

He noted where Adam and Eve were located, and transformed Himself into a snake. Steeling Himself for what He had to do, He slithered out.

"For humankind", He hissed softly.

level 2

Now that would be a plot twist in the Bible

level 3

I hold the PoV that god is the Villain and satan is the Hero in catholic religion. The former is a bloodthirsty dictator that wants his subjects to behave or else face eternal exile, the latter is showing people that they need not listen to that megalomaniac - they can follow their dreams, and the only probable consequence is that some old bearded dude in the sky will get upset.

level 4

Then it turns out that the devil is pretty handy with technology and uses bot accounts on social media to make himself look good among the mortals 👀

level 4

You should check out Paradise Lost.

level 5

r/beetlejuicing

But yeah, Paradise Lost is one of the best books ever written.

level 6

Such a difficult read though. I was introduced to it via an English class. She used her knowledge of the context at that time to really open Milton's world and explain in depth certain key events. I wish I could take that part of the class over again.

level 4
level 2

Fuckin nice.

level 2

I’ve often thought god is basically playing the sims and is just fucking with us. Why else would he make such a fucked world?

level 1

God was fuming. How the hell were they ever going to move out of His garden, get jobs and start taking responsibility for themselves if they never ate the damned fruit? He tried not to spend all day on it but more than once each hour He found Himself glancing at them, just to check in.

The uncaring way with which they unquestionably and obediently followed His orders was bad enough, but...had He made them incredibly stupid? It was possible. He'd told Adam to name the animals. Adam had indeed done so, but not after the fashion God intended. He could have gone around labeling them horses, skunks, and lions, or what have you. Instead he'd been walking up to flocks of seagulls and herds of zebras and just start right in with "OK, we've got Fred here, this one's Bob and his steady gal Zoey, then there's Clem, Tommy and Rocko..." for HOURS! Whenever Eve offered suggestions he solemnly shook his head and said "No way, rib-woman. This is my burden to bear, God says."

By night He holed up in His study trying to invent curiosity. No matter which way He worked it out there was always something missing. What was it?

One night He went out for air and went down into the Garden. They'd spent the long afternoon eating fermented fruit again. Eve was passed out spread-eagle naked on her back, as usual. Adam couldn't sleep so he was running around slapping his penis against reeds and saplings. This HAD to change. God didn't get it. He'd already invented Envy, Shame, Heartbreak, and the rest of them, but He needed them to break a stupid rule to learn it!

They were so happy, so content. The Garden provided all, and they could live perpetually in this eternal moral wasteland, without change or consequence. Of course complacency came naturally! What reason did they have to rebel against Him, the supreme being that had given them everything?

Suddenly it became so clear to Him. There it was. He'd known it all along, of course, but He'd kept it hidden from Himself. He didn't want to face the music. He didn't like what He saw. This would change everything. It was supposed to have been just a few generations, and Adam and Eve might've even been alive to see their great-grandchildren's first time in the Garden. But now...looking at tens of thousands of years, at least, and a lot more violence on the journey...also a lot more innovation and discovery. It would have to do.

God sighed a great sigh, then. It began with a deep and masterful inhale, causing a breeze to waft through the Garden toward a central location. With the exhale, He gently blew his new invention into the lungs of Adam and Eve, His children, His pupils.

The new emotion worked its way into their blood streams, neurons firing as it took up residence in their minds. Not immediately, but subtly, over the next few days, they'd feel it creeping, and eventually they would say to one another, and then to God, "We're bored." And God saw that it was...meh.

level 2

May you live in interesting times.

level 1
[deleted]
4 points · 3 months ago

"So, first time you visit in eons and you need a you damn favor huh?" Satan stroked his long nails through his beard as the almighty stupid before him. "First I'm not good enough for you, now your precious humans. Honestly G I'm starting to think you're doing this shit on purpose."

God's glorious radiance had no true form, but if it had an expression in this moment it would've been one of severe annoyance.

"Ok fine maybe free will wasn't the best thing to give them if it meant the freedom to always listen to me. I've got a plan here and they aren't doing what I originally had in mind."

"So the whole disfigurement thing was intentional after all?" The devil sneered from his monstrous face as he let out an unintentional bleat. This was some twist of fate right here. "Why even bother making me the more beautiful of the angels if you were gonna do this to me in the first place?" He said gesturing to his deformed goat features.

"Listen, maybe I've been a little overzealous with one or two of the big decisions over the years but I need this. They need this! This will be my Magnum opus and if you just help me this once I'll do anything. Name your price." God shifted uncomfortably as he steeled himself for the response he already knew was coming.

The unholy one grinded to himself as he thought over what his reward could be. "Ok big guy. I'll get them to eat your fruit. But once they've got their little civilization, I want my own city to have my kicks in." Satan sat back on his throne and started thinking of what to call his kingdom of sin.

"Three words. Las Vegas, Nevada."

level 1

Eve look at the snake curling around her ankles with benign interest. Like every other animal here, Eve knew that no creature would hurt her. Why should they? God provided all with sustenance, warmth, and happiness. They wanted nothing, so there was no reason to fight, or to harm. Besides, one of God’s commandments included, “Thou shalt not harm”, so she was safe. The snake wound up her leg, hissing softly. Eve bent down to hear what the snake was trying to say. “Do you know of the Golden Apple, hanging from the Tree of Knowledge?” Eve nodded, knowing the forbidden fruit. “It is time, time for you to rise up to your rightful place. You are not mere animals, alongside other beasts, but above these creatures. The only thing left is for you to take a bite from the Golden Apple...” “Don’t be silly, snake,” Eve said, gently prying him from her thigh. “God dictated that the fruit was forbidden, and so it will be. Please excuse me, I wish to walk alongside the river.” She put the snake down, and continued on her way. The snake crept over to Adam, and, coiled around his neck, whispered the same message in his ear. Adam shook his head, gently removing the snake. “God dictated that the fruit was forbidden. I do not long for an increase in status - why should I?” So saying, he put the snake down and joined Eve in her walk. “Alright, Plan B,” God rumbled, after the snake (having transformed into Lucifer once more) reported his failure. “Instead of temptation, why not try trickery?”

The next day, Lucifer strolled about, in his glorious angelic form, waiting for Adam or Eve to notice him. Soon enough, Eve came close, awestruck. “Are you...an angel?” He smiled down at her, his perfect face shining. “Yes, I am. I am glad to have the honour of meeting God’s most coveted creation. In fact, I have a gift for you, one I have brought from my realm to yours.” He revealed a juicy, red apple. There was one catch. It is impossible to completely disguise the Golden Apple; if seen a certain way, one can notice a slight golden sheen, but Lucifer had been careful to mask this sheen as much as possible. As Eve reached out, her eyes grew unfocused; a frown crossed her face. “This is no apple, but the forbidden fruit! I can see the golden shine! You are no angel, but a trickster!” She turned and ran, hair swinging in the breeze. He could see Eve telling Adam of her close encounter; the two of them would be on high alert now. Lucifer cursed aloud - a nearby flower withered. Frowning, he flew away, to once again report his failure. “You’ve got to be kidding me! I was the one who told them angels were good, pure creatures - yet, they still somehow saw through it?” God was getting irritated. He couldn’t move forward, not till his humans willingly ate the fruit - without coercion on His part, at least. “Alright, I have another idea,” God said, slowly rising from His throne. “Perhaps it would be easier for Eve to stumble upon the fruit, rather than have someone tempt her.” “Wouldn’t it be easier to deceive Adam, my Lord?” Lucifer questioned. “Eve is clever, and will be on her guard.” “No, it is imperative that Eve be the one to take the first bite,” He replied.

Every evening, Adam and Eve met under the shade of the baobab tree, to have their food. Normally, they snacked on fruits and vegetables, and most fruits were able to be picked off the trees on the way to the baobab tree; resulting in Adam and Eve bringing their own food with them. However, one day, they saw a fruit hanging above their heads, from the branch of the baobab tree. Adam reached up, eager to see the new type of fruit; Eve quickly pulled him away. “The Almighty One has given us enough trees and fruit to nourish ourselves, Adam. Why be greedy?” Soon, they ate their fruits, and, deep in conversation, the two of them got up and left, leaving Lucifer (disguised as a bird this time) to tweet angrily and fly away. “Oh my, Eve really is the clever one,” God mused. “Shall we try my idea now?” asked Lucifer, eager to please his Creator. “By all means, go ahead,” God said. “The sooner the ball gets rolling for Phase 2, the better.” That night, Adam was on his own, admiring the starry heavens, amazed at God’s creations. Birds chirped to him, and squirrels ran near his side. Adam felt at peace. At a distance, Eve, too, was at peace. Bathing in the cool river waters, she swam alongside the fishes - the water perfectly reflected the night sky, and Eve felt like she was swimming amongst the stars. Adam stretched back, when his hand bumped against a fruit. In the dark, he could see that it was an apple. His stomach rumbled, reminding him that it has been a while since his last meal. Adam raised the apple to his mouth (a certain squirrel looked on eagerly), but paused (much to the squirrel’s discontent). Adam remembered Eve’s warning, and the previous times they had been tricked to consuming the forbidden fruit. Adam stood up, and lobbed the apple as far away from him as he could - as long as the apple remained in the Garden, it was fine, and the Garden was infinite. By the time the squirrel managed to locate the apple, it had all gone wrong. The squirrel gulped, before transforming into his true nature and flying off, to report a drastic change. “He threw it away? What do you mean, he threw it away?” God was...confused, to say the least. There are only so many ways one can trick a human into putting something in their mouth, but He didn’t anticipate it would be this hard. “It’s worse than that, Your Gloriousness. He threw it into the...great ape pit. One of the gorillas picked it up...” Lucifer gulped. The Almighty One collapsed into His throne. “Well, the forbidden fruit is consumed...this means that my plan has...changed?” Lucifer patiently waited while God thought about this new circumstance. “It seems like we must carry on with our plan, as before,” He eventually decided. “Yes, Your Gloriousness,” replied Lucifer, and flew off to exact His plan. A few decades had passed, and Adam stumbled upon a crevice, a cliff of sorts. Eve was walking with him, and both peered curiously over the edge. They saw a garden, like their own, but not as perfect somehow. It wasn’t garden all around, but in fact, few patches of garden, whereas the sea covered most of the area. It was a lot more blue than green - apes crossed the limited garden space, and had already formed hierarchical societies, and a basic form of communication. “What is that? Is that a part of Heaven?” Adam asked. “No, my dear one,” God replied, materializing next to him. “That is called Earth. The great apes are the new inhabitants of earth. I had gotten bored of the earlier creatures, and decided it was time for a new age. In fact, you were supposed to be the new inhabitants, but circumstances changed.” “What went wrong?” Eve asked, concerned. God smiled down. “You followed orders too well.”

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