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[WP] Despite godlike powers, you're losing a battle to become assistant manager at your office job to Greg, the human...

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36 points · 24 days ago · edited 22 days ago

"Listen, it's nothing against you. You've been a great 4th Demiurge of the Secret Katra, Guardian of the Sacred Mountain of Tril-Katen, and Bearer of the Eighth Concept. It's just that Greg has a real knack for working with people, you know? He gets them excited about coming to work."

I COULD SNAP MY FINGERS AND INVOKE THE MIND-MAGIC OF TELIO-THEREK. THEY WOULD THEN BE EXCITED ABOUT COMING TO WORK.

"See, that's the other thing. It's tough to connect with you, you know? Not a lot of us understand your struggles. We haven't been there. Karen's dog is fighting off an infection right now. Jason and Derek are about to become dads. I think only... Xithrensir?"

XITH-RENDIR, WHO LAUGHS AT FATE, BEARER OF THE TWENTY-FOURTH CONCEPT.

"Yeah! People see you two chatting, they see you solving your problems with magic, and they're like, well there go those guys, right? Glad they're on our team! Heh."

GREG FACES NO SUCH... DISTANCE.

"No, he does not. And that's part of it. When I'm hiring an assistant manager, I'm not really looking for someone who just gets things done, right? I'm looking for someone who can connect with people, who can manage people on a personal level. If I was looking for someone to defend us against another Vinhok incursion, or train the new folks on the Eight Hundred Invocations, I'd pick you first thing! Get off the bench there, buddy! Heh. But I'm not. And that's the position I'm in."

THIS IS DIFFICULT TO ACCEPT, BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR POSITION. I WAS EXCITED ABOUT ROLLING OUT THE BIG PROMOTION NEXT QUARTER.

"Well, good news, pal. You'll still get to do that."

WHAT?

"Here, read this."

...

THE AMERICAN MILITARY IS ESTABLISHING A FORWARD BASE IN JACAN-THRADIR-TOK, THE DEATH-DIMENSION BEYOND THE STARS, HOME TO THE VINHOK AND THEIR THIRTEEN SLAVE-GODS.

"Yup!"

AND THEY REQUIRE A DENNY'S ON THEIR BASE EXCHANGE.

"Everyone needs a great start to their day!"

THIS IS THE BEST NEWS I COULD HAVE RECEIVED.

"I thought you might like it!"

I COULD TRAIN THE NEW PEOPLE ON THE EIGHT HUNDRED INVOCATIONS.

"Bud, you're going to be writing the official Denny's manual on the Eight Hundred Invocations."

IT WILL BE DIFFICULT TO LEAVE THE REGIONAL OFFICE HERE. IT'S ALWAYS NICE WHEN KAREN BRINGS HER DOG AROUND ON FRIDAYS.

"We'll miss you."

THANK YOU, DAVE, FOR THIS GIFT. I SHALL SPEAK YOUR NAME INTO THE SPHERES USING THE PRISM-TONGUE OF THE ANCIENT SORCERER IOUA, SO THAT ANGELS ARE BORN WITH ITS KNOWLEDGE.

"I'm proud of you, man. Now let's go out there and give the Tri-County Area the best damn all-day breakfasts in the universe!"

THERE ARE MANY UNIVERSES, DAVE.

"I know, bud. I know."

So much of what he says sounds like r/surreallore

3 points · 23 days ago

Great story, Couldn't help reading the Demiurge in Will Ferrels voice for some reason:)

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