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Posted byu/[deleted]2 months ago

My Girlfriend was Groped at BJJ Last Night and the guy blamed it on Jiu Jitsu

My girlfriend and I have been training for several years at the same place (we are both blue belts). There is a man who trains there (4 stripe blue) whos notorious for going hard on women when he rolls, to the point that some women wont roll with him. On the flipside, he wont roll with me or other guys who he knows will steamroll him (he was blue when I started but I train wayy more than him and can now dominate him easily, he turns me down everytime I ask him to roll).

Anyways my girlfriend is the type who isn't afraid of rolling hard with big guys and knows what to expect when rolling with him. The thing is, he also has a history of "touching" odd places, especially when showing a move, for example, "move your ass a little to the left" and then a slight spank or something. Other women have expressed the same thing.

Last night, he grabbed my girlfriend's breast (i believe he had her back) very aggressively (she is not the type to whine about physical contact so I believe her when she said it was a grope not a normal lapel grab)... she was initially gonna just write it off, but after class he commented "wow, youre like a man you have nothing there!...

I wasn't there because I have a minor knee injury but she came home and told me about it. I was furious, he's been like this for awhile but we would always jokingly write it off... not this time. We were meeting up with a bunch of jits people that same night, including him, at a bar. I told her she had to call him out or I would.

She confronted him at the bar, he immediately stopped making eye contact and insisted it "wasnt like that.. thats just jiu jitsu.. and we have a joking dynamic anyways" he also said "I'm a married man if I wanted to cheat on my wife I'd do it outside of jiu jitsu".. she said bullshit you know exactly what youre doing and he said "well I'm sorry you feel that way but its not like that thats just how jiu jitsu is"... the thing is, my girlfriend has rolled with DOZENS if not HUNDREDS of guys at all different schools and has never once felt that they were trying to grope her or anything. Other women feel the same but generally they dont call him out.

She messaged our head coach on Facebook but we haven't heard back yet.. In my opinion this guy should not be rolling with women, and perhaps shouldn't be allowed at our school.

TLDR: Older large blue belt who routinely goes hard on women but wont roll with the younger killers gropes my girlfriend, comments on how her breasts are small, then blames it on BJJ when confronted.

EDIT: For people saying my girlfriend is insecure and why am I posting this... this is a BJJ Reddit and this is about a very important issue that can arise in BJJ.

UPDATE: Our head coach called my girlfriend and talked to her for awhile. He knows her very well and trusts her judgement. The individual in question will no longer be allowed to roll with the (3) women at our school and depending on his attitude may not be allowed to train there any longer.

Update 2: my girlfriend really appreciates all the positive support. It’s really frustrating to see the guy laughing with all our teammates (mostly males) carrying on etc drinking with the team when we know deep down he’s a creep. Her biggest desire is that other women would come forward should a situation like this occur to them.

Thanks /r/bjj

Update 3: Not sure what planet some of you guys live on, but generally speaking “beating the shit out of a guy” after the fact (I was not at that practice) or even at the time is not an option in this society. To me that would show supreme lack of maturity and would likely get me put in jail and ruin my life. It’s very easy to be a tough guy over the internet when you have nothing on the line, so all you keyboard warriors please get real.

My girlfriend asked me not to confront the guy. She did it herself and chewed the guy out so bad he could barely look anyone in the eye after. I have nothing to prove to you guys. I make my mark in the cage and I have no interest in proving how macho I am outside of that arena. This is an issue for the head coach to deal with as it happened in his school.

Get real.

390 comments
94% Upvoted
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level 1

Next class you oil check him

level 2
726 points · 2 months agoGilded1

And then say, “wow, you’re just a like woman back there”

level 3
[deleted]
224 points · 2 months ago

HAHAHA I will definitely take this into consideration

level 4

Perhaps an instructional will do

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTbhJ-zXf0I

level 5
Buddha Belly Jitsu
35 points · 2 months ago

Dude this is the most hilarious thing I've seen in weeks thank you for that.

level 5

Not gonna lie, if I was wrestling with someone and that happens, I don’t care if he’s the heavyweight champ of the world or not, I’m biting something off

level 6

I’m sitting here losing it picturing Stipe with his hand up a randoms ass, struggling to keep him at bay as he snaps about like a hungry hungry hippo.

level 7
John Lewis -> Egan Inoue -> Burton Richardson
3 points · 2 months ago

Gotta roll into inverted guard to get a chance at thaat nut bite.

level 6
[deleted]
12 points · 2 months ago

You’ll have to squeeze pretty hard to bite that finger off ahahaha

level 7
White Belt III
6 points · 2 months ago

I think you just gave us the plot for Teeth 2

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level 5

He’s having flash backs to the last time haha

level 5
Paul Creighton
4 points · 2 months ago

Your link showed up as purple for me.
I clicked the link.
I can't tell you how relived I am that that's the video that started playing.

level 5

Hahaha holy fucking shit. That turned my day right round

level 3

"Finger goes right in!"

level 3

Holy shit.

level 3
White Belt
3 points · 2 months ago

"Damn bro, my fingers just slide right in!"

level 3

Holy crap... priceless.

level 3
2 points · 2 months ago

Jesus Christ.

2 more replies

level 2

Kick his ass sea bass.

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level 2

What does oil checking mean? Sorry for the newbie question

level 3
14 points · 2 months ago

finger/thumb in the ass

level 4
21 points · 2 months ago

Nah bro, 4 fingers in the asshole, and than you use that as a hook to grab them

level 5
9 points · 2 months ago

Well, I'm glad I've been enlightened...

level 6

Why would you ignore 50% of the rectum?!

level 2

Assert your dominance. Look him in the eyes afterward.

level 2

Underrated username

9 more replies

level 1
172 points · 2 months ago

If you can't be trusted to roll with the girls....you can't be trusted at all. He needs to go. His comment about her chest size seals it.

level 2
Triangle-ing all the haters
136 points · 2 months ago

If you can't be trusted to roll with the girls....you can't be trusted at all. He needs to go

Fact. One of the females at my gym did a drop in at a friend's gym to train with them. She came back and said that at one point the instructor said to her "don't roll with that guy, he touches women" while pointing at one of the students. And she was beyond shocked. How in the world could you knowingly have someone like that, and just think that the solution is to let all the women know to avoid him?? No! Hell no. Kick him out. If he can't roll with women, he shouldn't roll period.

level 3
White Belt
38 points · 2 months ago

This is important. It needs to be unacceptable to socialize with these types of people.

level 4
31 points · 2 months ago

In defense of the instructor (devil's advocate because I agree it's not a good look), the women toucher could be in the "maybe" category in instructor's mind. Maybe one accusation that wasn't super cut and dried. You don't want to just kick a guy out sight unseen when a woman says something without at least considering any reasons she might have for playing games.

That said, if it's as clear cut as in OP's gym with boob grab magee, no excuse. Walk tha fookin plank!

level 5
Renzo Gracie Cape Town
25 points · 2 months ago

If it's clear enough to warn people, it's clear enough to cut him off. Otherwise you're just making accusations with no real info.

level 6
4 points · 2 months ago

Also a good point

level 3
:White-Belt:
10 points · 2 months ago

They don't like him, but they still want his monthly fee

level 3

Classic missing stair. This pisses me off.

level 2

Are you supposed to roll lighter with women? Serious question. Still fairly new and dont want to be the school dick but I just roll the same with everyone.

level 3
Arizona Combat Sports
15 points · 2 months ago

same way you roll with anyone smaller and weaker

level 3
Never Give Up - Never Stop Training /u/ianmatus
8 points · 2 months ago

If you are rolling with someone who is lighter and weaker you don't go all agro. Take it as a way to focus on technique and position.

Leave the ego at the door. Your jits will thank you.

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level 1
Purple Belt I
150 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Guys like this are cancer in a school. You are probably not the only one who feels this way about this guy, perhaps if enough people complain he could get kicked out of the school

level 2
[deleted]
69 points · 2 months ago

its a running joke between my closer friends at the school who got their girlfriends involved that hes "always rolling with our girlfriends but wont roll with us"... we are DEFINITELY not the only ones

level 3
Roberto Traven -> Chris Ruiz -> Me
72 points · 2 months ago

I mean, how does he get away with that? You guys are just blue belts. If I want to roll with a blue belt they might get away with turning it down once, but only if they aren't rolling any more for the night. If I've got you next then I've got you next.

And I'd definitely have that guy next...

level 4
[deleted]
18 points · 2 months ago

I have been off the mats there for awhile because I was training for an MMA fight (its strictly a BJJ school), after my fight I had a minor knee injury that kept me off for another little while, so I havent rolled for some time.

level 5
Roberto Traven -> Chris Ruiz -> Me
38 points · 2 months ago

Yeah but you said there are other guys aware of it. Are you all lowbies? No purple+ belts who can just be like, "Nah, I've got creepyhands for the next roll." ?

level 6
[deleted]
25 points · 2 months ago

Na, the school is insanely packed.. we have several brown belts, a bunch of purples, 2-3 blacks... tons of blues, tons of whites.

This guy has been in this community for awhile and has tons of "friends" in the school etc.. so its not like hes some guy that just showed up and started doing that.. hes sort of in a position of power.

Our school is near a military base so a lot of guys are here for a couple years but this guy is a lifer in the area and has been here for 5+years. Hes not a competitor just 2-3x a weeker

level 7
Roberto Traven -> Chris Ruiz -> Me
16 points · 2 months ago

So, none of the upper belts have girlfriends/wives the dude has been creepy with?

level 8
[deleted]
23 points · 2 months ago

There's only 5 women at the gym. 3 of them have had this experience. None of the higher belts have wives/girlfriends who train there

level 9

There may be a reason why there are only 5 women at an "insanely packed" gym...

level 10
[deleted]
15 points · 2 months ago

I agree, at my MMA gym (which is under Leandro viera of checkmat) it’s like an 8 person class and half of them are women. At this place, there might be 30 people on the mat and 3-5 women

All our women at the BJJ only gym except 1 are blue belts... very few make it past white

level 7
Blue Belt
9 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

I still don't get how this guy's got away with it for so long if there's 2-3 black belts, a few browns there to sort him out. Especially with multiple witness accounts.

level 7

Fuuucked up. Your gym is toxic, man. Walk.

level 8

Sounds like the coach is taking it really seriously and acting appropriately. That doesn't sound toxic to me.

level 9

Serious would be kicking the groper out. Which isn't happening.

Appropriate would be not allowing someone to develop a reputation like that to begin with. Did you read the OP fully? The groper has a history of this. Many people know about this.

I doubt anything will change.

level 10

It sounds like this happened recently. I'm sure when people get kicked out, it takes time. You sound like one of those r/relationships people who say "break up!" for every problem.

level 10

I agree 100% the fact that he “had a long talk” with the GF and he’s still in the school is enough for me to say bounce.

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level 6

Even so, that isn't the way to deal with it. A guy being blatantly inappropriate needs to know that it isn't acceptable. Whether he is rationalizing it or not, multiple people saying the same thing consistently indicates that he is being unreasonable and not them. Having a higher belt try to smash him is a simple and easy answer but it doesn't really solve anything.

level 7
Roberto Traven -> Chris Ruiz -> Me
5 points · 2 months ago

I'm not talking about smashing him, I'm talking about monopolizing his rolling so that he is stuck rolling with upper belts and can't spend his time bother women smaller than he is.

level 4

Right?

Even without the creepiness, the simple act of rolling with the ladies but dodging any of the blues would get you enforced at my gym and pretty much every place I've been at.

level 4
Fight Sports London
2 points · 2 months ago

I found this aspect a little weird, I don't think anyone would be able to get away with this at my gym. That said I can't help but think one easy fix here could be to have the coach pick the first few rolls.

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level 1
Brandon Mccaghren - 10th Planet Decatur Alabama
244 points · 2 months ago

So, obviously he’s gotta find some other place to train. Just because he’s making the ladies uncomfortable. Even if it is “innocent” as he claims; it’s making people uncomfortable.

In all honesty, the ducking of tough rolls is enough reason for a blue belt to be put on the sidelines here, much less groping the women.

Just be sure, though.

Either way, it’s time for a serious talk. Make sure you sit down with multiple witnesses when you have this discussion.

level 2

Multiple witnesses and a gym employee. That shit is not ok bro.

level 2
[deleted]
75 points · 2 months ago

yes... its tough to get the other girls to say anything because I believe they are so conditioned to just shut up about feeling uncomfortable plus its BJJ so obviously theres gonna be touching... but this is different. He plays it off as like that "friendly older brother playing around" dynamic but I think hes hiding something more sinister... I personally think hes insanely creepy but no one ever calls him out

level 3
Brown Belt IIII
82 points · 2 months ago

I am an instructor. This man's comment about her breast size would be sufficient in and of itself for me to eject him from the school.

level 4
[deleted]
13 points · 2 months ago

I agree, completely inappropriate. He’s the kind of guy that thinks is HE doesn’t see anything wrong with it that it’s not wrong.

level 3
Brandon Mccaghren - 10th Planet Decatur Alabama
113 points · 2 months ago

I’m from Alabama, and even I don’t know any friendly older brothers that grab sister boobs.

level 4
level 5
Brandon Mccaghren - 10th Planet Decatur Alabama
6 points · 2 months ago

It really is!

level 4
Paul Creighton
11 points · 2 months ago

I no longer believe that you are from Alabama...

level 5
Brandon Mccaghren - 10th Planet Decatur Alabama
12 points · 2 months ago

Fair enough 😂😂

But if you’re with Paul Creighton that means you’re from Georgia. And that’s worse because y’all are inbred AND you suck at football.

level 6
Paul Creighton
4 points · 2 months ago

I hate to break it to you, but like most of Atlanta, I'm a Georgia transplant.
I was born in Michigan, so I think you want something more along the lines of: "Sorry the industry that provided the entire reason for your state's existence evaporated and turned its cities into a post-apocalyptic Mad Max hellscape."

level 7
Brandon Mccaghren - 10th Planet Decatur Alabama
5 points · 2 months ago

So you live in Georgia on purpose? That doesn’t even make sense.

I recently learned about the whole Michigan/Mitten thing. Which part of the mitten are you from?

level 8
Paul Creighton
4 points · 2 months ago

Near where the thumb meets the hand.
As to living in Georgia on purpose, I assure you that all of us transplants are here by accident...

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level 2
Bay Jiu-Jitsu
33 points · 2 months ago

I think he needs to get kicked out. Ducking rolls alone is unacceptable. Groping? Fuck that guy. Women (and men) need to trust their gut, and we need to believe them when they do.

level 3
White Belt IIII
5 points · 2 months ago

Refusing to roll with people is unaccptable?

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level 2
Blue Belt I
8 points · 2 months ago

Should be blackballed from the community IMO. He won’t quit doing what he’s doing at another gym.

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level 1

How the hell is he not ashamed as fuck for regularly turning down rolls?

How does he show his face after doing shit like that?

That little bitch gotta go.

level 2
[deleted]
20 points · 2 months ago

100%. It’s known he’s a pussy. Ironically he’s also a black belt in judo you’d think he’d know better. Last time I rolled w him I demolished him but that was like 6 mo ago

level 3

A black belt in judo? I have suspicions whether he was legitimately ranked tbh, considering what you've said about him so far.

level 4
[deleted]
9 points · 2 months ago

Can’t verify his ranking... I can say a year ago I shot a sloppy double on him and he did have a counter for it that landed him in side control. That was before I had proper wrestling training tho

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level 1
Blue Belt I
74 points · 2 months ago

I accidentally got a handful of boob.. rolling with a woman once when I was just trying to post to maintain posture. I think I was about as red as a fucking strawberry. It's possible to do it on accident but jeeze fucking up once will leave you hyper aware for the rest of your life.

level 2

I accidentally got a handful of boob

everyone has accidentally done things like that.... or grabbing an entire handful of cock n balls. I mean, these things happen in MMA BJJ

sayin "my bad!" during the roll or jsut ignoring it is probably a good clue it was an accident. fuck this guy

level 3

Been there, you're just trying to innocently frame on a guys hips only to discover that he has a monster piece on him...

level 4

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

level 4

Call them happy accidents

level 3
White Belt III
25 points · 2 months ago

I feel like if I accidentally post on a boob, then move it really quickly and post somewhere dumb, like the mat while I'm in their guard, they understand that it was an accident.

Don't get the people on this thread saying it was probably an accident and he has a bad sense of humor...

level 3
11 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Oh man I was rolling with this purple belt who was just slicing through my half guard so I panick grabbed a handful of gi pant closer to the knee than the hip and he stops his pass. After about ten seconds he goes dude that's my dick.

Edit: oh and about 5 years ago when I , i was rolling with the instructors girlfriend and had her mounted when she bridged and I slammed both hands on her chest, she yelled and I looked up and made direct eye contact the the instructor. Morgan Freeman made a voice over in my head "and that was the moment he knew, he fucked up." Queue me getting subbed every 10 seconds by an annoyed brown belt for the rest of the rolling.

level 4

Sounds innocent, and I'm not sure if your instructor handled it appropriately. Should you have to feel like you deserve to die?

level 5

I didn't mind overly, and he didn't hold a grudge past that so it was all good. I did turn down rolling with her for the rest of the time at that gym though, just to be on the safe side.

level 2
Triangle-ing all the haters
43 points · 2 months ago

Yeah I think the nail in the coffin was the comment afterward. We've all accidentally grabbed something once or twice. You immediately let go in a panic, and just continue rolling. But to find her later and comment on her breast size?! Completely inappropriate and lends credence to the idea that this was likely intentional.

level 2
Blue Belt
37 points · 2 months ago

I've had guys post up on my boob or whatever and get really embarrassed but, in all honesty, it's no biggie and I hardly even notice when I'm in the middle of a roll and trying to get shit done. It would DEFINITELY feel different for someone to be deliberately groping. I don't think there's much of a grey area where you can't tell if it's on purpose tbh.

level 2

Yeah, I think you're being a little exaggerated here but it's kind of like the homies with beards or long hair - they tell you not to worry about it, but you're always conscious of it and it does make you subconsciously place your hands and go for grips differently.

level 3
Blue Belt I
21 points · 2 months ago

I've been the guy with long hair and I can tell you that 50% of people rip it the fuck out and 50% try to avoid it. I dont have long hair any more.. too painful!

level 4

There's this new invention called a hair tie. They work surprisingly well.

level 5
Blue Belt I
9 points · 2 months ago

Oh you sweet summer child..

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level 3

I remember doing MMA with a long haired guy and at some point he was mounting me, going for the choke.. I was choking on his hair going into my throat >:-(

level 4

Once was rolling with a dude whom had long dread locks...before i knew it, i was tapping to one of them landing in my mouth. Of all the gross things we exchange in bjj, this one was the one that ill never forget. Fuck that guy. Fuck his dreads.

level 4
11 points · 2 months ago

I feel like it would be the most basic of courtesies to tie your hair up if you're rolling... why wouldn't you?

level 4

Ew. Hope he washed it before you guys fought.

level 5

It was sweaty but at least still smelled somewhat clean..

level 4

That is the fucking WORST!!!!

level 2
Purple Belt III
35 points · 2 months ago

It's possible to do it on accident

True, but the difference between an accidental grazing/grab and groping is easy as hell to detect.

level 3
Fight Club BJJ
40 points · 2 months ago

AND THEN COMMENT ON IT AFTER A ROLL. That’s fucking bizarre.

Like “just in case you forgot and also I want to make sure you know it happened, remember when I grabbed your boob? It’s was small like a man. But I’m totally only joking around haha.”

level 3
Blue Belt I
36 points · 2 months ago

For starters if the man proceeds to avoid eye contact for the next eternity it was an accident.

level 4

Or yanks their hand back like they were burned.

level 5
Blue Belt I
13 points · 2 months ago

Recoiling like a vampire from a cross!

level 2
Blue Belt IIII
12 points · 2 months ago

I have touched a lots of boobs, asses, have my face in weird places... Rolling with men and women, the women have some kind of sixth sense for this, they know or fell if it's an accident.

I never have had any problem with them, actually I'm one of the guys that roll more with women (the rolls are chosen by the instructors) because I'm feather weight and always try to focus just in technique and timing rolling with women

level 2
10 points · 2 months ago

That is a good point. I had full on overflowing grab during a hard roll and didnt even realize it till she said hello? Got really confused and then realized that was not what i thought i was grabbing. Was way worse cuz this was straight under the sports bra. If it had been any other fenale training partner I would have been way embarassed. However I did not joke that she had ample breasts afterwards. The guy sounds pretty creepy.

level 2

I feel ya. Grabbed a boob a bit firmly and it still embarrasses me like it happened yesterday. She didn't even notice or react. This was 4 years ago. Then again, I'm in therapy to address my overthinking.

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level 1

man, everything about that guy is fucked up. his actions, his reaction, his response, everything. not to mention some of the replies to this ... glad they got downvoted to hell. upsetting that this sub would blatantly ignore shit like this that happens (unfortunately) in close contact sports ://

i’m a younger gal (adolescent) who trains with much older and bigger guys at my school but thankfully, i’m able to have a good tough roll with them without having to worry about this. they know their boundaries, especially watching their force and strength when i was just starting out.

glad that your gf came forward and hopefully it’ll motivate the other women to do so as well. imho this guy shouldn’t be able to train at your gym at all, way too immature and dismissive of the situation. who knows how long this has been happening for.

level 2
[deleted]
18 points · 2 months ago

I just read this post to my gf and she loved it. She’s really hoping that this will inspire more women to come forward when this bullshit happens. It’s unacceptable. We need more women in the sport. BJJ is the ideal anti rape art IMO and is not an opportunity for perverts to cop a feel. It should be the opposite.

level 3

100%, that was really well said

so many women go into the sport to feel empowered and it shouldn’t become a place for them to feel victimized. i’m lucky that everyone in my school is so supportive despite the massive gender differences (there’s about 3 women, including me, total in the adults program) and the higher belts encourage us to train even harder in the sport. it’s so easy to feel discouraged as a female making her way up the ranks, but the example your gf set (especially at a higher belt) showed them that people like your coach are willing to listen and take measures

level 2

You have your head on straight!!!! Good for you! Keep rolling, the world needs you!

level 3

thank you! :-)

level 1

I’m a fucking meathead. I don’t know how to deal with this dude other than confrontation and potentially violent confrontation.. Guys like him absolutely disgust me.

level 2

Right?

Head coach almost put a dude to sleep last week after he slammed one of our female members on his first day in class after being a brute the entire lesson during drilling.

Coach told him to pack it the fuck up and the guy got in his face. Coach put him in a standing head and arm choke and then let the dude run away.

There's always a bunch of the regular bros hanging at the benches where everyone talks and changes and gets water and they would have punked out anyone who would say some shit like "you're just like a boy there" to one of our gals.

level 3

Lol. His FIRST class! Way to introduce yourself and make a first impression. Sheesh.

level 4
Purple Belt
5 points · 2 months ago

It’s important to level set

level 2
[deleted]
85 points · 2 months ago

me too, I'm coming off an MMA win and my blood was boiling, ready for a scrap... I told her it had to be her to confront him at the bar because I wasn't sure I could stay cool

She's actually on the phone with the head coach right now. He's furious...

level 3

Username actually checks out

level 4
[deleted]
28 points · 2 months ago

Hahaha there’s a reason I got into MMA

level 3

She should have let you bang bro

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level 2

Fuck this guy. Call me a neanderthal, an idiot, anything else you want. If I'm OP, that's a fight on sight next time I see this mf.

level 2

I'm in the same boat. Having a social group of people that train creates the luxury of "fight it out" being a reasonable solution to many problems.

level 1

The boob size comment after gave him away. Ask his wife what she thinks about that comment.

level 1
Sampa BJJ Academy
18 points · 2 months ago

The other day a girl pulled me into guard. I framed off of her chest accidentally touched one of her breasts and I IMMEDIATELY moved my hand and apologized profusely. The thought of making a girl uncomfortable in a roll makes me feel like shit. What this guy did was no accident and it wasn't "just jiu jitsu".

level 2
[deleted]
7 points · 2 months ago

I agree, I am flabbergasted. I don’t roll hard with women unless they specifically ask me too. I’m also extremely conscious of not being a creeper.

level 1
Comment deleted2 months ago(6 children)
level 2
[deleted]
38 points · 2 months ago

we just talked to our head coach, the guy will not be allowed to roll with women and may or may not be welcome at the school

level 3
trying to get a grip
32 points · 2 months ago

Man, it's so egregious that he should be given an unceremonious boot. I hope your coach is just being judicious in his assessment and not wishy-washy.

level 4
Fight Club BJJ
26 points · 2 months ago

I agree. It’s tough to justify not kicking out a guy who isn’t allowed to roll with women. Weird rule. Like acknowledging he’s an inappropriate creep but letting him stick around.

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level 4

It's not a court judgement, there's no reason this is the only change the coach can make.

Stopping him from rolling with women first, then talking to him and talking to the other women there to really know the situation is a balanced approach that stops anything inappropriate from happening in the short term while being able to take the time to have enough information to know if you are making the right decision by kicking someone out or not.

level 3
Blue Belt: Primal Academy Toronto
4 points · 2 months ago

Good

level 1

Had an experience where I accidentally grabbed a boob or something while rolling and I apologized on the spot, she wasn't phased simply because she could 100% tell if it was intentional or not....so ya...she called me a pussy and we kept on rolling. TLDR// Women that do BJJ easily can tell the difference between accidental touches and intentional ones.

level 1

It sounds like he should train elsewhere. The guy sounds too immature to be there. He won't roll with tough/er belts but will gladly roll with women or people he can steam roll. That's not a good addition to the school.

level 2

It sounds like he shouldn’t train at all

level 1

My desire to neonbelly this guy is very strong right now

level 2

I'm a white belt girl. My desire to knee-on-dick thisbguy is pretty strong. What a fucked up guy. Glad he got ejected from the gym

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level 1
Blue Belt III - Origin BJJ Newcastle
34 points · 2 months ago

Maybe all the girls should get together and agree to roll with him and 'accidentally' mess up knee slices for a while. "Oh, it's not deliberate, it's just jiu jitsu".

(Just being silly. How on earth is this guy a four stripe blue belt? If he has a rep with 'the lads' the instructor MUST know that he's dangerous, a coward and creepy.)

level 2
[deleted]
14 points · 2 months ago

Coach does now... we just talked to him

level 3

Coach has known for some time now, don’t fool yourself.

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level 1
Caique
32 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

Oh man. Where to begin. The incident itself? Fucked up. But what's even more fucked up is that this guy is known to be like this and has a history of fucked up shit. And everybody seems aware of it.

Why has this been allowed to continue for so long? Why have those responsible for this training environment not addressed this problem at square one?

And now you say that after this latest fucked up incident in a series of fucked up incidents, he's STILL allowed to train there? Unbelievable.

If I were you, I'd take my girl and walk. Leave that gym. Let them know why. That training environment is toxic. God knows what else they're negligent about.

level 2
[deleted]
15 points · 2 months ago

I know, it’s really a hard situation because we LOVE the head coach, he’s salt of the earth. We are actually moving to a new state so we’ll be switching gyms in a few weeks anyways.

It’s really a tough situation because we have SO many friends there... I guess their true colors will show whether or not they support the individual being banned or restricted

level 3

Well Since you are leaving the gym anyway, it's pretty much moot what happens now.

But I'm actually amazed you're not madder about this. If a guy groped my SO in training, I'd be in his face and calling him out from the jump. And anyone defending him would be in my bad books. I'd be raising hell with those in charge of the gym.

I'm a calm and civil person. But there's a line when it comes to loved ones. Unwanted sexual touching? Yeah, that crosses it.

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level 1

I suppose I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt to an accidental boob grab but the joke after about her 'being like a man' alone should result in a complete and automatic ban from the club.

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level 1

Yeah, I don't get how this guy can just choose to not roll with anyone who can possibly challenge him. At my gym, you can only get away from rolling with someone if theres some really bad blood between you two or of course the women can ask to not roll with certain men.

How does your instructor just let him turn down any roll that he doesn't feel like having to do? I'd sit him out for the rest of the evening at that point.

level 1
:Brown-Belt:
11 points · 2 months ago

I know this has gotten over a hundred comments and I have not read them all sorry if this is a repeat.

I have rolled with many women while on my journey and never once had an actual thought of how their bodies were while rolling... Him making this comment afterwards is a CLEAR indication that he knew what he was doing...

I say you tell your coach "on Monday I want so and so for 3 rounds" and your coach can just pair people that day or something, and you just torch the guy, for 15 min. And if he has something to say about it just respond with "that's jiu-jitsu". Just because he is a training partner means little if he is a cock sucker of a human. If someone groped her in any other setting you would torch them. So torch him. Sounds like your coach will understand.

level 2
[deleted]
5 points · 2 months ago

I do have plans for this. I been off the mat for 6 weeks cuz of a minor knee injury so I might have lost a bit of edge but I’ll get it back quick. It’s possible he won’t be welcome there anymore

level 1

Paging good old "Crank", the ultra heavy brown belt with two missing teeth and cauliflower ears so bad you can't tell where the head ends, that every gym seems to have.

level 2
[deleted]
10 points · 2 months ago

We have that guy. Former D1 wrestler. Brown belt. Cauli ears. Strong as a fuckin ox. One of the nicest guys in the gym. He actually taught the no gi class last night. Definitely could put the hurt on the MFer

level 3

Just let him know, every gym needs an enforcer and he can't be blamed for anything bad because he is not directly involved, unlike you. My wife trains with me and I would have a hard time keeping a cool head in your situation, better hand it off to a pro.

level 1
8 points · 2 months ago

This guy shouldn't be allowed to train at the school. This behaviour is not acceptable and you should consider having her write a similar statement and submit it to the police. She did not consent to being groped like that and his comment afterward was essentially admission of guilt. This makes my blood boil.

level 1

For your girlfriend: I'm so sorry to hear this happened. It doesn't matter what size breasts your sparring partner has, there's no excuse for groping. I roll mostly with men, and none of them have grabbed me inappropriately. Once or twice someone has accidentally caught more boob than collar, and they apologized and adjusted their grip-- no harm, no foul.

For OP: Thank you for listening, believing, and respecting your girlfriend. To some guys, standing up for their partner means showing the offender that they are more powerful (aka, a beat down). But by standing beside your partner while SHE confronted him, you showed her respect and support. I know everyone is different, but I would be the same as your girlfriend- I'll ask if I need help, but I would want to deliver the verbal smack down myself.

level 2
[deleted]
2 points · 2 months ago

Sounds like you and my girlfriend would get along well. Thanks for the reply!

level 1

i agree with other poster. oil check him hard and tell him it's just jiu jitsu hahaha

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level 1
BJJ Revolution Team
13 points · 2 months ago

This wouldn’t be allowed at our school. The first time would likely result in the guy gettting smashed into the mat by one of the brown belts and having a serious discussion with our head coach.

If it were to continue after that they would be kicked out of the school. There was actually a guy who was rolling too hard with people who were significantly smaller and weaker than him. This dude is crazy strong too, I weigh 215lb and he picked be up with one arm.

So after being talked to about going too hard, he does it again and injures a teammate and proceeds to berate the guy he just injured. After the class was finished he was told he was not welcome back at the school any longer.

level 2
[deleted]
10 points · 2 months ago

This is how it should be. We actually had another incident recently where a white belt ex wrestler who’s close to blue (skill wise.. he will not be promoted anytime soon) went insanely hard and popped a 2 day whitebelts arm.

The thing is, I’m the ONLY guy who does MMA and has actual fight experience (I’m 1-1 Ammy) so I get a lot of respect from guys who are otherwise total dicks on the mat to less experienced people (if they had any idea how bad I actually am at fighting compared to some of the guys on my fight team...lol).. ... a lot of the drama just flies over my head.

level 1
www.bjjcollective.com
6 points · 2 months ago

Your team enforcer now needs to start gripping the guy's penis when they roll.

level 2
Roberto Traven -> Chris Ruiz -> Me
14 points · 2 months ago

"You're like a woman! there's just nothing down there!"

level 1

Why the fuck is this guy still allowed at your school? He is clearly making it an unsafe environment for women. Even if he's not allowed to roll with female students, his very presence is still a source of discomfort because he can still continue harassment. Dude's gotta get the boot.

level 1
11 points · 2 months ago

Coach shouldn't let him continue training at all tbh.

level 1

Anything less than having this jackass ejected from the school would be unacceptable for me. Having him still at the school but not allowed to roll with women is a joke. I would be pissed at the instructor if this was his ‘solution’. If he would rather have this pussy that ducks rolls with guys and gropes the women he rolls with I would be gone and I would be letting everyone be knowing why.

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level 1

People are calling you a pussy for confronting a dude that groped your girl? What's the rationale? It seems more pussy to me to do nothing about it.

level 2
[deleted]
10 points · 2 months ago

Apparently I’m a pussy for not beating the shit out of him... the dude is an overweight 45 year old foreigner... I’m sure the court would accept that I was “defending her honor” and let me go /s

level 3

you made the right decision, and the guys accusing you of being a pussy are just keyboard warriors beating their chests.

the risk of life-changing legal hassles is way too great to call for any kind of violence off the mats (the oil check comment cracked me up).

level 1
Blue Belt
4 points · 2 months ago

The same thing happened to a friend of mine at her gym. The guy in question, though, was a super lovely dude (I mean, he isn't, but he comes off as one) and the coach decided the best way to deal with it was just to privately tell him he can't train with her and hush it up so as not to "ruin his reputation". After that he did it to a 15-year-old girl at the gym. He was privately told he can't come to classes there any more, but he is allowed to come down to the gym to watch, be part of the comp support team, post on the team Facebook group etc. It's awful.

level 2
[deleted]
6 points · 2 months ago

That’s awful, it’s so hard for women to come forward and this kind of hush hush bullshit is why

level 3
Blue Belt
2 points · 2 months ago

It is awful. BJJ is supposed to be somewhere everyone can feel respected, so to have something like that happen and not even have your coach respect your safety when you speak up would be horrible.

level 1

At the start of the story I was in his corner because stuff happens accidentally and it's normally just jiu jitsu. I am terrified of a new woman coming through our gym and throwing accusations around. By the end and especially after the comment he made it sounds like your girlfriend has good judgement and things are being handled reasonably by her, you, and your coach. What a creep.

level 1

When you heal up. Roll with him. Start by slapping hands, go for butterfly setup and launch him above your head. Secure single leg X and rip apart his ankle. If you don't know how to set it up look at some Jon Danher videos on YouTube. When homeboy crys about his now useless leg tell him "it's just Jiu-Jitsu."

level 1
Blue Belt: Primal Academy Toronto
8 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

My Prof would grind this guy into dust. Totally unacceptable.

level 1

Instructors need to kick those students out.

level 1

I'm always surprised when I hear of men acting this way towards women at a gym. I have never seen this kind of behavior or even heard another guy make a shitty comment about a woman. That guy is a piece of work. Anything less the a public apology to your gf would be unacceptable and I would demand he leave the gym.

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level 1

You guys did the right thing. No way should that guy be allowed to continue being the disgusting creep that he is. We used to have a purple belt like that in our gym. When I was a fresh white belt he once tried to mess around with me, he put me in his closed guard, and deliberately pulled me in to try to kiss me (wtf right?). I turned my head in time but his nasty lips still got on my cheek. Ugh. At first I thought it was an accident but the fucker smirked at me and looked very proud of himself. I slapped him and never trained with him ever again. Last I heard he had impregnated yet another woman...

She’s been training three years. If something feels wrong, something is wrong. I’m 100% behind you guys.

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level 1
3 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

So the guy is clearly an asshole and if this isn’t the first time, the professor should ask him to leave.

However - and this may be an unpopular comment - all the talk of fucking him up on the mats to teach him a lesson is not great. If the guys learns to behave himself because of that, he’s still an asshole, just one you’ve intimidated through violence, and you still don’t want him in the academy.

The right time to put the hurt on someone is when they can’t control themselves and need to be shown what that’s like for their training partners, to motivate them to learn to roll safely. It’s a teaching experience for them. This is different.

Would also help in these situations if the professor did the talk publicly. If you want to have rules you need to be open about them.

level 1

I’m a female academy co-owner. Any reputable Academy will boot the guy out of the school. She’s more likely to stay at the Academy anyway, so it makes more business sense as well as moral.

level 1

I met a guy like this once at our gym after the brutal roll with a girl i gave him the deepest set choke i have ever managed and then he got passed around to all the higer belts going all out. Never saw him again.... weird

If this is a known issue there is a well established way to deal with it. Pointless to talk with a creep like this until you establish dominance.

level 1

Thank you for believing your girlfriend (the world we live in, that I have to say that!) and thank both of you for following through. I'm glad your coach stepped up. If there were more guys like you that put their money where their mouth is this would be a better world.

It not only takes women speaking out, but also their community (especially men) believing them and standing with them to make positive change.

level 1
CATCHWRESTLER
16 points · 2 months ago

Maybe I can give a slightly different perspective.

I probably roll more with the women on my last team than anyone else. I am relatively small compared to most people on the mats and I am also a black belt. Females trust that I wont fuck them up, but I also wont tone it down so much that it seems artificial. I can keep a very fast pace, get them tired, create a lot of motion, give and take.

One thing I have noticed was that no matter how conscious I am about not grabbing tits, ass or anything else, was that when you really try to keep things flowing, you are going to grab shit sometimes, and many times, it is going to have some power behind it. I dont really stop and acknowledge it, but it happens.

Thats a person who has competed in grappling sports for 25 years at a super high level. Expecting a shitty blue belt who trains a few times a week to have black belt level dexterity and anticipation of where sensitive areas are going to be, IMO, is way too much to ask.

I think the real problem, and I see this from time to time, is that some men are complete fucking dipshits when it comes to their sense of humor in the context of females who are in a very vulnerable position, meaning, its not common for females to engage in combat sports, its even more to ask that they do so engage in combat sports against males and must trust they do the right thing. Making sexual jokes or uncomfortable humor in these situations doesnt make the guy a molester or predator, but just a dude with a low skill level and a extremely low grasp of contextualized humor.

That being said, if someone grabbed my girls tittys then made a joke about it, I would ask the coach that this guy not have an option of turning down rolls the next practice and would he please pair me up with the guy for an extended go. Not to hurt him, but just to let him know sometimes these females are attached to guys who can make him feel helpless in the same way.

level 2
[deleted]
29 points · 2 months ago

I would agree with you with the exception that my girlfriend has rolled with tons of men at all belt levels and he is literally the ONLY one who's done this, and its been more than once.

In a couple weeks I'll be dropping in before we move. I will definitely try to roll with him. I'd love it if he'd spar me MMA so I can use my full arsenal against him, but sadly that is not going to happen.

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level 2
Purple Belt
34 points · 2 months ago

No, the real problem is that sometimes guys grab things on purpose. It's not his sense of humor. We can tell when it's creepy and deliberate vs when it's accidental, or he's clumsy, or he fucked up the apology or tried the joke thing. Sometimes that makes it uncomfortable, too, but on a WAY different level.

People grab handfuls of boob on accident, just like people grab handfuls of balls on accident. Some seem intentional but aren't to outsiders, but what OP is describing is pretty clear, and she didn't misinterpret this one.

level 3

Any guy that's rolled without a cup knows this. Even prolonged contact can be accidental. It's pretty obvious if it's on accident or not

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level 2

How would you feel about a guy who is not your friend, who has never been cool with you, saying "wow you're fucking tiny down there" after accidentally grabbing your junk in a roll?

That's just poor sense of humor?

level 3
CATCHWRESTLER
8 points · 2 months ago

I wouldnt care. In addition, my fiance is in the Navy. I know she surrounded by guys who have zero contextual sense of humor around females. I find them somewhat pathetic, but it doesnt cause me to be upset.

level 3

Tbh I would probably laugh and add in some self deprecating humor.

level 4

Exactly. It's not the comment that makes this wrong, it's the obviously purposeful touching. I roll without a cup every now and then, and it's pretty obvious when even prolonged touches are accidental. I'd trust this girl's judgement on this. But the guy's comment has little to do with it

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level 2
27 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

how is that even a "slightly different perspective"?? This is the normal perspective that pretty much everyone has and is unrelated.

I mean.. my girl training partner straight up grabbed my dick in her hand like she was holding a fuckin banana. It was a non issue, she said "oh shit!". we laughed and thats that. She did pass to mount, when we laughed, i thought that was cheap lol

intentionally grabbing someone and then making jokes about it? being a creep? making excuses about it? thats way different.

don't make excuses, even slightly, for this fuckin guy. period. even if the grab was unintentional... his comment would be considered sexual harassment in every workplace, with or without a grab. Its not that he has a "bad sense of humor". cmon dude.

but just a dude with a low skill level and a extremely low grasp of contextualized humor.

no.

level 3
CATCHWRESTLER
6 points · 2 months ago

how is that even a "slightly different perspective"?? This is the normal perspective that pretty much everyone has and is unrelated.

Because every post before mine, and yours, just condemned the guy for molestation because a girl said he grabbed her boob during a roll. A few called for the guy to be removed from the gym. My perspective is that it take into consideration it could have been an accident and a poorly timed joke with not a lot of regard for the girls comfort level. There are plenty of things that are said on a mat or in a mens locker room at a bjj gym that are jokes. Comparing those to workplace sexual harassment that would get a person terminated by HR is a long stretch.

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level 2

just to let him know sometimes these females are attached to guys who can make him feel helpless in the same way.

Yeah but ... some of the most committed blue and white belt women in our gym don't have a boyfriend or husband and also wouldn't complain about this because they don't want to be seen as weak or whiners.

They gym should set the standard. A day one white belt lady shouldn't have to train with a known groper (who makes the kinds of jokes that keep women out of BJJ).

level 2
White Belt II
3 points · 2 months ago · edited 2 months ago

One thing I have noticed was that no matter how conscious I am about not grabbing tits, ass or anything else, was that when you really try to keep things flowing, you are going to grab shit sometimes

I agree, and if the girl is strong or more technical than you, it's more likely to happen. I've framed against boobs before while in their guard - simply as a defensive reaction when they bring their hips forward and break posture - it's either my forearm there or my face at that point. I've yet to have a girl or guy apologize when they mess up and push off on my crotch with their foot instead of the hip they were (probably) aiming for.

level 1

You can turn down rolling partners? Even if you’re 100%? The only time I’ve heard this being allowed was during injury, or when you are a higher belt turning down a lower belt.

level 2
[deleted]
2 points · 2 months ago

I will never turn down a roll with anyone. If it’s a higher belt I go as hard as possible. I’d rather get demolished than have a false sense of my skills because a high purple or brown gave me positions. But I’m also extremely competitive.

I do NOT roll this way with whites, and many of the casual blues ask me to take it easy and just flow, which I’m fine with

level 1

Your coach needs to have a stern talking to this dude.

I'm not saying you should, but if I was your training partner and you wanted to kick his ass, I'd be down to make sure it's a fair fight.

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level 1

It baffles me that people like that are still allowed to be at a gym. Its really had to get this point for someone to call him out? Crazy man.

Good for you for not caving his face in. Must have been difficult to show restraint.

level 1

Yea my coach is pretty forward about this stuff and put out a statement that if a claim like this was even made he'd personally kick the persons ass so I've never even heard a case of this but I can definitely see the issue. Luckily my girl doesn't train because if this happened I'd probably lose it on the fuck head.

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level 1

Put him to sleep

level 1
a bunch of schools
2 points · 2 months ago

I think the instructor should kick them out, at the very least.

level 1

I wonder if your coach could ASSIGN some rolls and deliberately put you with him? Also if this happens, FB live so I can watch.

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level 1
2 points · 2 months ago

I really really appreciate you posting this. I also feel that if your girlfriend had posted this, it wouldn't have been well received, and she probably would have been insulted more than you, like she wanted it or she's inventing it.... Somehow it becomes more legit when a man talks about it. It happens everywhere and somehow women don't talk about it. But I realised that as soon as I spoke about it, all of a sudden, other women had the exact same story. The fact that your gf actually confronted the guy is very brave, especially because of the guy's immature reaction. But now he knows he can't do it anymore and that's the most important. You're absolutely not a "p***y", that's probably a 15 year old kid calling you like that... You don't need to justify yourself. You & your gf are absolute stars and thank you for giving a good example for other women who go through that in bjj. By the way, I know some men who have been touched in unwanted places purpously as well so it goes both ways. Creeps can be male & female and need to be called out.

level 1
White Belt IIII
2 points · 2 months ago

Next time he refuses to roll ask why. I would be confused to be refused a roll.

level 1

So glad to hear the head coach took action.

level 1

Fuck that guy!

level 1

I support you

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