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28.3k

I would’ve fainted if I found out Beyoncé could’ve been my mum

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8.6k points·1 month ago

Well if he stayed with Beyoncé you wouldn’t exist.

Yes, the odds of Beyonce having been her mom are therefore absolutely zero.

MOOOOODDDDSSSS

Two nearly identical comments made at the exact same time? Never tell me the odds!

OOOOODDDDSSSS

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42

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Two nearly identical comments made at the exact same time? Never tell me the odds!

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Oh that's funny, MOOOOODDSS!

Two nearly identical comments made at almost the same time? Never tell me the odds!

19 points·1 month ago

Two nearly identical comments made at almost the same time? Never tell me the odds!

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MODS?!?

MICHAAEELL?!

Oh that's real funny. MICHAAEELL?!

Identity theft isn't a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!

When chances are low, the odds are high

Technically, wouldn't there be a one in an absurdijillion chance their kid's genes would mutate to such a level that they still have OP?

But that would also assume that Beyoncé used identical parenting techniques as his mother in this timeline

BAN HIM! BAN HIM! BAN HIM!

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Win-win

Life is so weird. Like if his dad stayed with beyonce, would he have been born but in a different body? He wouldnt know since even if it was him, he has different experiences and a different personality so technically it isnt him, but it could be him, youll never know. If thats true then every human on Earth is the same person, born as a blank slate that is drawn upon on your experiences and random stochastic thermodynamics. So technically we are all the same person, but different people somehow, idk.

367 points·1 month ago

If his dad jerked off once more he’d be a different person too

I always liked the idea from a Jasper Forde book, where the time police eradicates unwanted people by travelling back in time and removing them from the timeline with a well-timed knock on their parent's door.

Yeah this sounds like such a thoughtful way of eliminating people rather than traveling through time and blasting them away with guns. Think how different Terminator would be if this was his m.o.

1981

"SARAH CONNER?"
"Yes?"
"K thanx bye."

“Is this the O’Malley residence?” “No?” “My mistake, have a nice day.”

mission accomplished

John Connor wouldn't have been born if not for the robot war. Reese traveled back in time and impregnated Sarah Connor.

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22 points·1 month ago

Which book? You got me interested!

Someone said Thursday Next. Protagonist in a bunch of novels starting with the Eyre Affair, but I've never read any of them so I don't know if this is a plot point from a specific book or the series in general or what.

As u/capincus guessed it was part of the Eyre Affair series by Jasper Fford! It doesn't just have time travel, it also has battenberg cake, going into novels, and a whole range of other bizarre ideas.

Thursday Next! 1st time I've seen Jasper referenced on reddit.

Jasper Fforde's books about Thursday Next is by far the most entertaining books I've ever read.

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Pro level philosophy

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If you really want to bake your noodle (as if you hadn't already), go find some Alan Watts lectures about what "you" are. Your confusion stems from thinking that a person is a discrete thing with a clear boundary, but really we're all tangled in with each other, and the idea of "me" and "you" is just a helpful, albeit inaccurate shorthand.

147 points·1 month ago

Maybe you should take a biology class. If his dad never broke up with Beyoncé then this dude would never exist in any shape or form. The offspring of his dad and Beyoncé would be a completely different human.

I mean if I learned anything from biology class it’s that if his dad would’ve stayed with Beyoncé and his mom went off and married Shaquille O’Neil and then their offspring did potara fusion then you’d get the original kid just hangin way more dong and with the voice of an angel.

Can't fault this kind of logic. You just know it has to be true.

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Dude 4/20 was yesterday.

This is nonsense, but the idea that I would never have had to listen to her voice if OP's dad stayed with her and butterfly effected her from becoming famous... this intrigues me

I like this. Like a butterfly, my ears could be free.

This is the kind of thing I would have found super deep in high school.

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This sounds like the BEST case scenario

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9.4k points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

Well if he liked it he should have put a ring on it.

Edit: that song is probably about OP’s dad.

Damn it.

Too late?

Well she's into ugly dudes, maybe she'll like an ugly barnacle too.

Well I'm so ugly that everyone died

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rich dudes

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145 points·1 month ago

Guess he wasn't irreplaceable

He wasn't Crazy in Love

She couldn’t see his Halo

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Does he still have all of his things in a box to the left?

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Imagine dating someone, breaking up and then they become one of the most famous people on the planet lol I’d hate my life

4.7k points·1 month ago

Imagine dating someone

:(

1.9k points·1 month agoGilded1

Hey, friend! Turn that frown upside down!

3.2k points·1 month agoGilded1

):

2.6k points·1 month agoGilded1

Listen here, you little shit.

Top 10 reddit scripts

You won't believe what happens in number 7!

7!

7! = 5,040

This thread just summed up the entirety of Reddit.

This.

But where is the prequelmeme?

You added to that summary

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Number 15

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This same old joke manages to get thousands of upvotes on every thread. It’s pretty amazing actually.

A classic

:|

:D

That's a smile, not an upside-down frown!

:0

:3

:[

Can I get 1 "out of the loop" please

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Comment deleted1 month ago(8 children)

Tiger Woods smiled at me one time :(

Don't worry about it, with his history he probably smiled at another person shortly afterwards.

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1.1k points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

Or you could be happy for them and motivated by the fact that you were part of a 'success story' even if only by proxy.

You realize we’re talking about human beings tho right

I love this response.

I love you.

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That sub seems cool, I'll check it out sometime.

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Uhhh nice try. But then how can I blame my own shortcomings on others instead of self-reflecting and realizing my own mediocrity?

24 points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

You're a combination of 11 unique elements that are found organically and your genes go back at least 2 million years.

All Some of the stars you see in the sky are already dead, maybe, the earth spins on a rotation of about 1,000 miles an hour and we are communicating with just our thoughts.

And you think you're mediocre? What a pity.

There are two hundred billion other galaxies in our universe. In one of them, you are the star.

No u.

:’)

13 points·1 month ago

Wait. Humans are seriously made of 11 "herbs and spices"?

Comment deleted1 month ago(2 children)

More than that. The 11 elements thing is BS. Iron is the central atom in the protein hemoglobin, for example.

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uh that's kinda like saying every literature masterpiece that have existed and will exist is built up by 26 letters

kinda true but ehhh

Look at this guy who thinks every literary masterpiece is in English.

Look at this guy who thinks that only English uses the Latin Alphabet.

Look at this guy who knows the difference between Çursiva Àntigua and Cursiva Neuva, fucking Etruscan. GO BACK TO GREECE!

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Most of the stars in the sky are fine. Stars last a long ass time, a lot longer than it takes for their light to reach Earth.

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fuck that, in this galaxy, u/bonnieprincekillme is themselves, and that is awesome. They should be proud to be who they are here instead of who they might be somewhere else.

Hello fellow nervous system, how do you do?

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3 points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

that sounds selfish and kinda sad. Be your own success story instead of trying to get credit for your exes success.

Maybe it's just because I had an ex who still talks to mutual friends as if her breaking up with me was the sole motivator for me to do well in life - in reality it was me having more time and energy not wasted on the uphill battle of keeping her satisfied and not being broken down by another person. Like the flu taking credit for how healthy you are after you get over being sick.

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Get out of here with your rationality and positivity.

Impossible! I refuse to believe anybody is happy!

Healthy breakup is best breakup.

https://youtu.be/DOOk4oCmQuk

Hahahaha yeah no.

Do you even human??

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A friend of mine married some dude, divorced him because "the chemistry was off" (She was more attractive than him, she was into going out and clubbing he wasn't that social, she said he bored her) In the span of 5 years after the divorce the dude founded a tech company, sold to a tech giant for an undisclosed amount and now he's worth between nine and ten figures. He's the one clubbing now, has famous friends and he's a bit more 'fun' to say the least. I have the privilege of being friends with him on fb since I know him before he blew up which is why I know he was backstage at coachella and rented out a mansion and flew there private, the whole nine yards.

My friend is a teller at bank of America and still single, I don't know how much she's making but I hope she's happy though. Not that money = happiness but I hope she doesn't regret the decision.

Comment deleted1 month ago(4 children)

I'm not saying it should make sense. If something like that happened to me it would be bullshit if I told you I wouldn't think about it consistantly. You bet I would wonder what if. For her sake I hope she's is and remains happy about the choice she made that's all.

the lesson is to make sure that the reasons you find someone unattractive are valid.

From that paragraph, those two sound like they have different outlooks.

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What if the divorce was his motivation to do all that? I don’t know the people, but at least in regards to the partying he did after he gained wealth, maybe he’s doing that because of her?

I think (and I've heard this from people who have 'made it') that money gives you confidence and some (obviously not all) people who don't go out often is because they don't have many friends to hang out with and it's difficult talking to women, have no game etc. Probably with money came the friends and the women (sad but true) and now he has dough to go to a club and rent out the vip, bottle service and all that (which improves the experience dramatically). Maybe I'm overanalyzing this and that's not the reason who knows I don't talk this person I only follow him on social media..

I had a coworker that was pretty but a very bitter woman. "Almost married a pro baseballer, but it didn't work out." Sounds like she was ruined by her own choices tbh.

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I wouldn’t - id be grateful it ever happened.

I was going to say imagine being the woman to come after Beyonce.

Why would you hate your life? Because you missed out on mooching of the success of someone who obviously wasn’t right for you? That’s a pretty sad way to look at things

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What if I told you being rich and famous is not the peak of human aspiration? When you grow up things change.

You could tell me, but when I look at my bank account I know you lyin.

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That’s not what I meant. Rather that you’re doomed to hear their voice on the radio and people talking about them wherever you go.. also probably would cause some severe jealousy issues with future partners. I don’t know how I’d feel if my partners ex was freaking Beyoncé

If you broke up with them then you had reasons to not want to be with them. I see what you mean tho.

What if they broke up with you. Either way, under any given circumstances, whether you hate them or love them, it would sting like a mf

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This guy settles

Yes it is. Being rich is the only thing me, or most want. Live happy everyday, have 24/7 free time and never work again in your life. It's the only thing I really want.

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I googled Kanye’s ex gf not long ago and she seems to be doing well. I bet she met so many rich people when she was going to events and restaurants with Kanye so it doesn’t surprise me. Her name is Alexis Phifer if anyone was curious

This is why I always bail first. Then I can imply I was too good for her.

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Ok the right photo is a crop of a meme.

Just let me for a second question its validity.

I'm hoping the Dad just found pictures on the internet and showed them to his kid to mess with him hahaha

Or, more likely, that the post is a lie.

I just concluded an expansive investigation. I'd like to submit this discovered evidence that proves this is indeed a falsified post. I have record of OP confessing to this internet crime:

Exhibit A

Username checks out.

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Looks more like a crop of something out of a yearbook? Or some sort of high school print.

exactly what I was thinking, either way it’s the same dude in both pics nd OP probably knows what their dad looks like. the odds are slim but celebrities do date people before they become famous, it’s probable that some dude out there dated Beyoncé in high school lol

It's a photo of a magazine.

There’s literally no way the OP’s Dad dated Beyoncé and didn’t tell his own kid until after he heard them talking about her Coachella performance. That doesn’t even make sense.

Maybe OP is 3?

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It’s a crop of a magazine article.

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371 points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

This pics have been circulating for years now, what gives, OP?

Edit: I'm calling out a repost, not the possibility of anyone being related. Not sure how you guys came to that conclusion.

Get em!

Look at the title, not at the pic

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OP is not saying that's his dad in the pic, he's just saying he's imagining if that were his dad

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In the first pic he looks like Kanye

In the second pic he looks like Kanye. Does this mean that Kanye is to Jay Z as Ray J is to Kanye? Is that really why they had a falling out?

I'm getting more of a Ron Artest vibe in the second pic

He looks like Chris Paul with hair in the second picture to me...at first I thought this was a joke and that's who it was! Lol

ahem

I'm getting more of a Ron Artest Metta World Peace vibe in the second pic

^(fuck that name tho)

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He looks absolutely nothing like Kanye in either photos

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In the second picture he looks like Shaggy

Reminds me more of Chris rock

lookin like ol dirty bastard

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the one on right has printed words. did op cut this out of a magazine?

Lmao how is Beyoncé always getting cheated on?

1.0k points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

OP never claimed it to be his dad though

You're correct. Everyone please look at the post title. OP is not talking about themselves

Dammit. What am I supposed to do with this pitchfork?

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So? Why does that mean it didnt happen? I swear, r/thathappened should be renamed to r/thats-unlikely-but-im-an-insecure-bitch-so-ill-just-assume-op-lied

[deleted]
50 points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

r/thathappened is interesting because if you go there and see the posts.. you'll notice patterns that occur in all the made up stories. You can have a checklist and go through it and these similarities will come through in anything fake.

So you kind of get this internal checklist going that sets off that recognition. Obviously theres the memes like Albert Einstein and everyone clapping but theres more too.

Like, if they aren't the best at relaying the story they're telling but within their story they're 10/10 wit and totally eloquent in telling off the caricature of a crotchety old racist lady, who at one point will shout "well, I never!"

Another good example is when a meme comes out saying their dad never said anything about dating Beyonce until they mentioned her performing at Coachella, followed by him pulling out easily googled photos of 'Lyndall Locke', (the guy in the photograph) who has done fucking tv interviews from at least 2014 about the fact that he dated Beyonce.

The problem with r/thatHappened is they assume everything is fake because it's completely impossible for real things to be illogical sometimes. I've read the comments on the sub and the logic in the conclusion is usually flawed and based on their narrow view of the world.

Malicious Compliance (or was it Petty Revenge) is the same. It is full of long, well written stories that all have a very similar feel to them. One time I was bored and read through some of the top posts and I swear there are like 4 or 5 people who write all of them and submit them under different names. Or everyone is subconsciously adapting to the same style. It's kind of weird.

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64 points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

Yeah, thats fair, but be honest. We all know this didn't happen... Maybe if it was a tweet from the guy I'd give it a second thought

Edit: Also, his name is Lyndell Locke. You can Google him.

And his child is like 4

Plus, isn't that magazine text in the corner of the second picture?

Because after all this time Coachella was the thing that reminded him...? You're right, YOU can believe, but there's no need for calling someone an insecure bitch just for not believing an obvious lie.

It doesn’t say Coachella suddenly reminded him he used to date Beyoncé.

It says he pulled the pictures out when his family was discussing her performance at coachella

So you're saying you think this dad NEVER thought to mention to his kids about dating beyonce until today?

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His child is 4 the post is a lie-it’s weird that you want it to be true so badly honestly

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The fuck does it have to do with insecurities? Do you believe everything you come across on this site? I surely hope not.

15 points·1 month ago

Bro you're a fucking idiot if you believe this is real.

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How in the world does posting that make u/midnightsun183 an "insecure bitch"?

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TIL that people on the internet never lie

Middle school school got you down?

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Youre a fucking idiot. He literally posted proof. That dudes kid is 4. Stop being an insecure little bitch.

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I honestly don’t know how I would feel if people were getting track of my personal life like that

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Better lookin than HOV

I think that’s most men

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Still a better looking dude than jayZ.

Most dudes are

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11 points·1 month ago·edited 1 month ago

Imagine having 99 problems but crippling financial ruin ain’t one :/

Absolute bullshit. Oh, he just thought of it now? After all these years? Fucking liar.

My dad went on a couple of dates with Farrah Fawcett when they were students at UT in the late 60's. He never thought to mention it for 4+ decades until it was in the news that she died a few years ago. He just said he never really thought about talking about it because she wasn't "Farrah Fucking Fawcett" at the time, she was just a cute girl at school.

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Comment deleted1 month ago(1 child)

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that dad is way better looking than Jay Z

I think most living things are. His gross personality doesn’t help much either.

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I would have fainted if I found out beyonce could've been my mom

damm dude imagine being this fucking guy and your first instinct is "fuck I wish this celebrity who doesn't give a fuck about me is my mom. Oh hey mom ya I'll have breakfast thanks for giving birth and raising me but tbh I really don't give a fuck about you compared to this current celebrity."

He pulled out more than just photos

Pretty sure this is fake The photo on the right has text, suggesting it’s from a magazine

Beyonce says she thinks that im cute.

Thats alright beyonce, I think youre cute too.

My sister went to elementary school with the Olsen twins. She was friends with them for a while, but my sister has a short temper and got into an argument with them. They were no longer friends.

Noone is asking the important question here, and it's disappointing.

Did he fuck her?

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Maybe it’s me but she looks way hotter in these pics than she does now!

That must mean that your mother is hotter than Beyonce

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Beyoncé is seriously overrated. Mediocre vocals at best.

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That's got to be sort of a mindfuck for the mom. People get weird about exes as is, never mind some shit like this.

poor mom. getting compared to beyonce all the time must be rough.

Kudos, she was way prettier when your dad dated her.

Imagine being the mom knowing your husband married you instead of Bey.

My mom once casually brought up that she went on a date with O.J Simpson once and I was like what

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