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Sorry for format. Long story, that I will try my best to summarize.

My husband and I tried for almost 3 years to get pregnant. If finally happened, and it was a boy. Which was amazing. I have a daughter from a previous marriage. This would be our only child together, & we both wanted a boy.

We went to our normal 28 week check up. The Dr. Informed us there was no heartbeat. We were crushed. I was far enough along that I had to give birth to him. He was born sleeping in April.

We got the results of his autopsy. They informed us it was not a genetic disorder. Just a fluke incident "that just happened".

We decided to try again as soon as possible. Knowing that we actually CAN get pregnant, & and women are more fertile for 6 months after delivery.

Well my period is almost a week late. However, all pregnancy tests say negative. He was really excited at the beginning of the week. After the 1st one was negative, he appeared upset. He stopped talking all day. Then the next day, he woke me up and asked me to take another test. Negative. He acted mad ALL day. We have been fighting A LOT lately, and I feel like we are falling apart. Before we lost our son, we were always happy. Hardly ever had a fight, and were able to talk things out.

I really don't want to lose my husband over something that was not our fault. He seems distant, and unhappy now. He makes comments that Owen (our son) looked just like him & I could never understand his side, because I have a child. (He IS her "daddy" but not her father.)

He has never admitted it, but I feel like part of him blames me. I was in a lot of pain the last 2 weeks before we found out, and a part of me knew something wasn't right. I didn't go to the hospital though. He works long hours, and I know he needs his rest. With that, our son had been gone for 3 weeks. I obviously did not know. He was perfect at our previous appointment. No one knows why it happened.

I feel like he is slowly pulling away from me. We never talk anymore, and when he is home he just hides in our room. He has days he appears to be happy, but not many. I love this man. More than I have ever loved anyone before. I am terrified if we keep getting a negative test, he will eventually leave. What we have been through was no easy task, but we promised each other it wouldn't destroy our marriage. It appears to be doing just that. Any ideas on how to help us make it through this? I don't think my marriage will last another 3 years waiting to have a baby. I do NOT want to lose my husband too.

TD;LR. Husband and I gave birth to our son at 28 weeks. He had no heartbeat. We tried to get pregnant for almost 3 years. We are trying again, but I feel like my husband is emotionally removing himself from our marriage. I think he has some resentment that I have a daughter from a previous marriage, and he has no living children of his own. I don't know what to do, or how to keep him from leaving. I do NOT want to lose my husband. Neither of us did anything wrong. It was no ones fault, but I feel like he blames me, on some level. Marriage advice would be helpful.

Edit: I would like to add a couple of things. 1: My husband is NOT a bad man. He is usually, very kind, caring, & extremely loving. He is my best friend. I am his too. We both know this. This is just a rather difficult situation. I do not work because I am a full time college student. (Taking time off, at the moment) HE is the one who told me to take off work, and fallow my dreams. Not stay at a dead end job, that I hate. 2: He sees me as WAY more than just "property". We are a team. He helps around the house, works full time, and is devoted to my daughter, & myself. 3: Lastly, I realize I worded something wrong. The two weeks I was in pain, I spoke with my OBGYN. She believed everything I was telling her was normal. Said the pain I was feeling was my body "prepping for labor." My ligaments were "loosening up" and I had nothing to worry about. THIS is why I didn't feel the need to go to the hospital. My husband works 12 hour shifts, and was working overtime a lot, to be able to afford to take off work and stay home with me, and the baby for a couple of weeks. This is what I meant when I said I didn't want to bother him. It was supposedly nothing. Turns out Owen had passed away about 3 weeks before our 28 week appointment. My body WAS trying to prepare for an early delivery. Thank you all for the kind words, & trying to help us through this. I really do appreciate all the kind private messages, & caring comments. I want to stay with the man I have built a life with. Not leave because things are hard right now.

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Here comes a wall of text:

My wife had wanted to open up our relationship so she could experiment with her feelings toward women. I was okay with this as long as she was not looking to end her love with me, which she was not. (Mind you she did cheat on me two year ago with a woman I found out later about). This time she was upfront about it.

So September of last year she started this relationship with another woman who she knew felt the same. They are now in love, I slowly became ignored and as of the end of January I told her I wanted to get a divorce as it is clear she no longer cares for me, which she agreed and believes she is a lesbian. We have two kids.

At first I was fine with her being gone most nights, as she had a significant other, and I did not. We both work 40 hours a week, but over the last 5 months, it has turned into me taking the kids to everything they have going on, cooking every dinner, the sole cleaner of the house and of all affairs (bill paying, family things etc.) She has had since January and has not moved out yet. She is gone almost every night and I get 1, maybe 2 nights out a week if she hasn't already planned something. If I bring up her moving out, she loses it and starts crying. I am mentally and physically exhausted and at my wits end. I don't want the kids to see me being hard on their mother, my parent's divorce was messy and awful and led to a falling out with my father.

I dont have enough money for a therapist for myself, after making sure my kids get the help they need for sorting out their feelings on the divorce. Everyone seems happy, my kids are getting used to the idea, my wife is happier then she has ever been with her new love, and I am so miserable, I dont want to leave the house, and my wife cannot afford it on her own, but I know if I leave that it might make it harder for me to get it during the divorce (which we agreed to just have a mediator).

TL;DR: Wife has a happy life with her girlfriend while I remain her financeer, butler, maid, child care, etc.

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Long time lurker in this sub, finally have something to share! I created a new account with this, want to keep my personal life out of my fun account.

It might sound strange, but my entire childhood was very rough because both of my younger siblings were some of the worst people I have ever met in my life. The level of hate I saw out of them I have not ever seen matched in my own life. One strong example from childhood would be that one year for Christmas my parents got me an Ipod nano (you remember the old ones with no screen or anything, but still great at the time!) and got my siblings other items that they asked for. On paper, everyone got what the asked "santa" for but the problem was the Ipod turned out to be a very popular item. In the coming weeks I was pulled into my high schools (I was a senior in high school at the time and my siblings were just coming in as 1st years) counseling services and asked how my home life was. I have always had a rough time at home, but nothing major had happened recently and I got by just hiding in my room so I told the counselor that all was well and that I felt fine! The visits I had to make increased, and I could not find out why. I asked my mother about it and she said she didn't know about anything, she never talked to anyone over there.

Now before we go further, I want to make things clear about me. I have always been a super recluse. I was lucky enough to have my own space growing up and never talked to anyone/had only friends who I spent time with online or far from my house. I never wanted to bring people to my house, and time spent with friends was always away. I love and trust both my parents, but my sisters both behaved so insane that I spent 100% of my time avoiding it. I wanted to be as small as I could. Both of them spent a lot of time trying to sort of draw me out but setting "traps" or creating a shitty situation and somehow getting me to be involved in it.

Back to the story, I got called into the counseling services place again and met with someone new. At this point I was starting to get really nervous because I didn't know what was going on. I started the meeting by asking why I was here and if I had to stay. The person let me know that they had been getting some disturbing news about me that they had to investigate. He wouldn't say what, but I continued with the meeting if only to prove I didn't do anything. Later that day when I got home my parents ignored me and wouldn't talk to me. I was super fed up with all this mystery so I just went into my room and stayed away. I played a lot of online games and such to pass the time. This went on for months. It had become the norm that no one at home would talk to me, and folks at my school were keeping an eye on me. After a great while I finally caught on to what happened. My sisters both came home talking about the new Ipod's they got from my parents. Some newer model had come out or something and they both got one. I overheard one of them in the hallway talking about how much better it was than mine and how they could stop now. Using that new information I confronted the counselors at my school and asked them if this had anything to do with my sisters. They refused to tell me but I knew. I followed up with my father at home, everyone else had left so it was just him and I. He said that my sisters had gone to the school counselors and told them that they were going to kill themselves because their big brother got an Ipod and their parents refused to buy them one. (we were by no means rich, but to my parents they were able to get everyone what they wanted but didn't know the Ipod would be such a big deal.) The school contacted my parents to talk to them about it and after a while it resulted in them getting their new Ipods. (we had bread for dinner a few times because of it) The counselors continued to meet with me during the rest of final year at school but I stopped talking to them while I was there. I couldn't believe that they wanted an Ipod so badly that they went to their school counselors and told them that. The school thought I was an abusive person, and they had told my parents that. For a while everyone thought I was this terrible person.

Not once did anyone ask me. I was crushed like this repeatedly during my growing up, this was one of the worst. As soon as my high school year was done, I left for college and rarely go back. I sometimes visit my parents though, they are still good to me. Both of them had sat down with me and said they were sorry for how they acted. They both knew it was nothing I did and that they didn't know how to handle everything that was happening. My sisters had no repercussions and everyone just let the situation sit, including myself. I just wanted to be left alone. That was all a while ago now.

Now as I hit 30, I live in a really nice neighborhood and have an amazing job. I have a loving girlfriend of 5 years now and everything is going really well. Recently one of my sisters has been trying to buddy up and keep telling my mom that they have changed and that they want to get to know their brother etc. I don't buy a damn word of it. My mom called me saying that she is a completely different person and that we should have a cook out and such. Every instinct of mine is saying this is some kind of trap. I have so many other stories like the one before, they all start harmless and evolve into shit. My worst fear is either of my sisters finding out where I live, or where I work, or really anything about me they could use to do anything with. I am sure that they could find out all of this on their own, but hey that is just me being paranoid. However, I have to think of my parents side. I know they love all their kids, and my mother seems to be trying to guilt me in by saying that it breaks her heart that we don't get along. I can't tell if she is in on this or if she is being real. I have to consider that she is being real and that I don't want to let her down.

The big question is, how on earth do I handle this? Should I trust at all that someone like that has changed? It is only one of them, throughout my life they were always both involved in the shit going on.

TL;DR: Abusive siblings from my childhood want to reconnect and get to know each other. Life is great now, don't want to risk any of it.

Also side note: I did not realize this was going to turn into such a large wall of text. Thank you to anyone who managed to get through it all. I hope my story I included here provides some decent insight into how mixed up things were.

EDIT: Thanks all for your replies so far! To all of you mentioning the permission to say no, you are all right. I know with many of us it can be easy to forget that you make your own rules. I only need my own permission to decide who I spend time with!

EDIT 2: Thank you all again! I feel a lot better about making the choice to not meet up for this. I really didn't want to and ultimately it was just me feeling the guilt other laid on me. Thank you everyone!

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Me [18 M] and my best friend [F 18] have been best friends for years, we are always there for eachother and are willing to talk about anything with eachother, from hookups to dating advice.

Shes an amazing friend who has been with me through some tough shit, and I've been there for her.

I value a friendship with her and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

The issue is that over time I've started to devlop a crush on her, and a part of me wants to see us become more than just friends.

But I know that won't happen due to me not being her type, and her generaqlly not seeing me in that way.

I respect that 100% and am happy just being her friend.

The issue is that my feelings for her are still there and are startign to cloud my judgement.

For example I'm starting to make jealous decisons on guys she wants to date, and its starting to affect my mood. It hurts when I see others ask her out because a certain part of myself wants that.

I want to remain friends with her, shes my anchor, but in order for me to be fully happy I need to get rid of my crush on her.

How would I go about doing that?

TL;DR I have a crush on my bestfriend, I want to get rid of my crush so we can remain best friends

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Hi all,

I've posted on here before regarding my mom and her attempts to sabotage my relationship with my GF because she is not Russian-Jewish. My mom has tried to sabotage my relationship for a year, has said nasty things about my GF, has done everything in her power to turn my family against her and me. I went very low contact and my mom acted somewhat normal in these recent times, she wouldn't bring up GF, wouldn't say anything negative, and if she did I would hang up. To be fair though, she hasn't had much of a chance. We talked about one/twice a month compared to one a week in my last post, and if she did say something negative I would hang up on her.

Recently I had my birthday, it was a milestone birthday, and I couldn't think of a better person to spend it with than my lovely GF. My family clearly wanted to see me on my bday as well, however I made it abundantly clear to them that I will not see them on my birthday without her. This led to guilt trips/flying monkeys being sent by my mom about not visiting them. In addition, even when she said happy birthday to me, she had to chime in with a line referring to I hope you and your gf end this next year of her life. I was quite angered, and didn't speak to my mom.

Now here comes the real kicker. My sister, god bless her, who lives with my parents discovered secretly that my parents visit a psychic. She found an audio recording on my moms phone that was 50 minutes long of my moms most recent visit to her psychic. The psychic tells details of my life, what age I will die, how I will die... but the thing that really angered me is this psychic talking about my GF. Basically she made her out to be the devil, an evil being with a black heart, even going as far as to say we will soon have a kid, she will leave me after the kid, I won't pay child support, and end up in jail. It's extremely messed up because my GF is one of the nicest and best people I know. Clearly my mom ate it up, and the psychic offered her to do some black magic/cast a spell on our relationship to break us up for a nominal fee of $1000. I have no idea if they went along with it or not, but my mom seemed very interested. This seems like fiction and I really wish it was but its the reality I'm dealing with. I'm not a believer in psychics/black magic, however I do believe in karma/negative energies and I can't believe my mom would try to send anything negative my way, or pay to break me and my GF up just because she doesn't like her not being Jewish.

My mom had no idea that I knew about this recording. She sent me a message yesterday asking me if I can come home to help them move furniture for a house renovation they are planning, and at that point I unloaded. I told her many things, mainly saying who do you think you are to try to poison my relationship with black magic and then want me to go home and help you? She left me a voicemail crying and saying "she would never wish bad on me or try to curse/black magic me"... to which I added on to the text with the audio portion of the black magic bit.

She never responded to my texts, I received calls from my grandparents shortly after, probably to try to guilt me for being so harsh to my mom, but I didn't pick up. My dad also sent me two texts. One was saying that "you better call your mom right now and apologize" - apologize for what? Being angry that she tried to poison my relationship with black magic? I didn't respond to his message, and he followed up with a threat saying "You will pay for your mothers tears, I promise you that". That message was my final straw, I blocked both of their numbers.

My GF knows the whole story, she was extremely upset and disturbed by it, and honestly she's a little afraid. But I have a problem, a big problem, I really wish to have my parents in my life, but I want them to be normal people. This whole saga has been going on for almost two years, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. Is there any hope to ever have a normal relationship with them in the future, what do I do?

TLDR

Mom hates GF, has said many horrible things about her because she's not Jewish been trying to sabotage relationship for over a year and turned whole family against me. Mom went to a psychic recently who spoke of GF as if shes the devil. Psychic offered to do black magic to break us up, mom was interested. I blew up at my mom after finding out, went NC..any hope for normal relationship with parents in future?

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Original: http://goedhartvoordieren.nl/?page=r/relationships/comments/8ro0cp/a_guy_24m_im_24f_seeing_stood_me_up_today_and_i

I said I'd update if I ever heard from him again, and I did! Even though my first post didn't get a ton of comments, I like posting here to get things off my chest and hear different opinions, which is what I was doing last time.

Well I heard from him, and he basically said he was sorry and had a really bad day and was really stressed and he stopped replying to everyone so he could get things done.

He doesn't really seem sorry. It doesn't that that long to send a text saying something came up, I can't make it, I'll explain later, I'm sorry. And I would have been understanding if that were the case. Instead, he just blew me off because he was having a bad day, which in turn, caused me to have some bad days too.

On top of it all, he decided to finally text me back today ON MY BIRTHDAY which I told him about not that long ago. He probably didn't remember because he probably doesn't give a shit but I called him out on that too.

So happy birthday to me I guess... I don't see this going anywhere if he can't communicate something that simple and if he thinks it's okay to treat me like that. And if it was something bigger than just a bad day, he's not telling me so I can only work with what he gave me. I would probably understand more if there was some big emotional event. It sucks because I thought we really clicked. But hey, I'm used to this shit so whatever.

Tl;dr: he stood me up because he had a bad day. I'm over it if he can't communicate better than that.

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My husband and I have been married less than a year. Around a month after we got married, his friend lost his job and became homeless. I'll call his friend James.

James talked to my husband about whether he could move in with us and when my husband and I talked, we decided that he could stay a few months.

Shortly after this, we started to regret it. We have not had a chance to properly enjoy our marriage and I feel like every time we have sex or argue, James hears us. It's gotten to the point that we have conversations in our closet with the doors closed and windows open to create as much background noise as possible. James also NEVER has cleaned the bathroom and we've talked to him but nothing changes.

I wouldn't mind this as much...I think...if James was nicer to me. He's known my husband for years and I understand they are friends, but I feel like he isn't very nice to me. When my husband is home, he's completely different to me. He makes jokes with me and laughs and he acknowledges my presence at least. He will even ask opinion of things.

Whenever I am home with James alone, he is a completely different person. I'll go, "Hey, James! How are you?" and he won't even make eye contact and will just barely mumble "k". Or when I say, "hi" he'll say "bye".

Sometimes he outright ignores me when I'm talking to him. I don't try to have extended conversations; but I try to be very polite and if I'm living with someone, I feel like I can pretend to have a conversation for 40 seconds so why can't you? I just want to have a peaceful home.

I tried talking to my husband about this and he told me, "Oh, James is a nice guy he wouldn't do that" and my husband has told me so many times that James is a nice guy and James is so different towards me when my husband is home that I feel like I'm overreacting sometimes. However, James has recently started treating me badly in front of my husband.

Once, my husband and I were both talking to him and he was literally only looking at my husband and responding to him as if I were invisible. When James left, I asked my husband if he noticed that and at first he joked and said, "Maybe he just wanted to have a conversation with a man" but when I started to get upset, he changed and said that he didn't notice but he would talk to James.

The next day, he told me that James told him he wasn't ignoring me. I felt like I was taking crazy pills. Recently, we gave James until August 5th to leave but we said it in a polite way and we emphasized that privacy for us as newlyweds was important.

Yesterday morning, he messaged my husband asking if they could talk after we had dinner. After I thought their talk was over, I left my room to hang out in the living room. I saw they were laughing and I said hi to James because I hadn't seem him all day. His entire demeanor changed and after a while he said hi without even looking at me.

When James left, I told my husband that I am tired of this behavior. He told me he saw that James did and said it was only because they were talking about something sad. Apparently, James requested more time to stay with us because he's having financial difficulties. My husband told me that it seems like James is in trouble.

I told him I'm sorry that James is having trouble, but there is no reason for him to keep treating me like this and it's strange how he was able to laugh with my husband but he turned cold with me.

A lot of our fights have been about James and I'm honestly fed up. I feel like James should have asked both of us for more time, and I don't really want to give him more time. If we give him the time requested, we will have spent around 90% of our first year together living with a man who makes me feel bad. We've had no privacy!

I talked to my husband about this and he said that he wants to do things right and wants to help James. Before my husband met me and before he had the high-paying job he has now, James helped my MIL with very important medical treatments. My husband feels like he has to repay the favor.

I can appreciate what James did for my MIL but I cannot stand living with him any longer and it really is killing my marriage. I feel bad now asking James to leave because he did ask my husband so I'm thinking maybe I should be the one to leave and maybe separate. Advice?

ETA: I was talking to my husband about this over the phone and when I voiced concern about how James only talked to him and not me, he said James did it because maybe he thought the house was only in my husband's name. Not only is that wrong, but even if that were true the point is that we're married and I should have been a part of the conversation.

tl;dr: Husband's friend moved in and it's killing our marriage. Husband doesn't want to kick friend out because friend helped him when he needed it.

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He has cut me off from everyone and everything I love. he controls what I wear and what I eat. Everything is my fault, from him losing in a video game to a fly pestering him while he eats and I get in huge trouble (yelling, screaming, throwing things, putting me down). I have to always make sure everything is perfect so I don't upset him. He has physically hurt me in the past and he regularly throws things around, but most of it is emotional, physical, gas lighting. When I tried to be honest with him about my depression and anxiety flaring up, he threatened to commit me.

This is all being done super stealth (while hes at work) as I am very afraid of his reaction to finding out I am leaving. I have a friend (36f) flying in from California (close to where I am moving) to help drive me and all my stuff back across the country. What should I do to make sure everything is done properly? I can't do anything that will draw attention to my plans and he watches everything like a hawk. All the cable and utilities and stuff is in my name, and I am afraid to cancel it regardless of him having no credit because of his temper. My parents are also insisting I go after him for at least half my credit card debt (half of $5000, so $2500 which is definitely his) even though i am already scared to broach the subject eventually.

I can't pack or clean anything in advance because it's too obvious. everything will have to be done after he leaves for work at 6am. i am already separating our paperwork under the guise of organizing. this is probably the most I can do without drawing attention to myself.

Also, the PS4 is mine, bought with my money, while the big screen TV and most other big purchases are his (he paid most, i contributed a few hundred here or there). I want to take it with me when I go, but I am afraid he will freak out because hes obsessed with watching Twitch 6+ hours a day. He also feels like he owns everything because I make less money than him so its owed to him for giving me a "break"

I have no idea how this works. I am numb and I am scared of the coming week. Any input is super helpful

**TLDR;** Finally at my last straw with my abusive spouse. I am scared of what could happen if i don't leave (at his hands or mine) This has to be done super stealth and I am moving all my belongings by car across the country. How can I prepare, or what should I do before I go without letting him know what is happening.

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I just want to start by saying that my boyfriend is the most calm and sweet natured man on the planet. Nothing really seems to upset him so it’s breaking my heart to watch him come home and stare into space until it’s time for bed because this whole situation has really hurt him.

So, my boyfriend dated this girl (let’s call her Alice) 12 years ago for 3 months. There was no big fight or drama when they broke up, it was just one of those things. But through Alice, my boyfriend met Dave who is Alice’s sister’s boyfriend. Hope that’s not too confusing! Since they met, BF and Dave have been inseparable. They’ve both been through some tough times together and they are genuinely like brothers.

Alice hates my boyfriend. Completely hates him and by default she dislikes me too. The first time I met her she said the only reason my BF is with me is because he likes “slutty girls”. And that was the kindest thing she said to me that night. The second time we met was just as awful but I always take the higher ground and just pretend that I think she’s joking and laugh awkwardly.

Throughout the years, my BF has been disinvited to every single one of Dave’s birthday parties because Alice has expressed that she was uncomfortable (despite being married with a son, and another on the way) but we never thought she would go this far. When Dave mentioned to her that BF would be the best man she said she wouldn’t allow that. What’s hurting my boyfriend the most is that Dave just seemed to accept it.

My heart is so broken for him. He expressed to me that he doesn’t know why she hates him this much but he just wants Dave to be happy so he doesn’t want to cause a fuss by telling him he’s hurt. But I’m getting sick and tired of this grown woman dictating over Dave and my BFs friendship.

Another thing I’m worried about is her once again not being to help herself from making mean comments at the wedding and it upsetting me. The wedding will be 2 weeks after she’s given birth by C-section and the first time she will be drinking in a long time.

Does anyone have any advice as to what the best way to proceed is?

TL;DR My boyfriend’s best friend has said he isn’t allowed to be best man anymore because his future SIL (and BFs ex) has banned it.

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Ok to start off, I do NOT want my boyfriend to give up his cats. I just want him to train them better. I just moved in and they’re driving me insane.

This morning I was in tears because the cat chewed up my last bra. My bras are expensive, and my boyfriend had been insistent that it was the dog so I just sort of hung them up higher. I wear one bra multiple days in a row, so I usually just put it on this dressing table. I caught the cat chewing it and ripping it to bits this morning. I was so sad because I really liked it, and it was expensive and it was my last real bra (not a bralette) and I need it to go to work.

The other cat usually starts meowing around 5 am. Like a lot. My boyfriend used to give him treats in the morning, which made it so much worse. I had to beg him to stop giving the cats treats so we could sleep. This is not like normal meowing, it’s like loud in your ear meowing. The cat stopped meowing in the morning for a while, but my boyfriend gave them treats a few weeks ago and they’re back with a vengeance. If we lock him out he scratches at the doors and meows crazy loud.

we stopped being able to leave the bathroom door open, because the cat will shit on the mat or in the sink. We can’t leave any food on the counters (even in containers) or the cat will knock it over to eat it and make a huge mess. If I leave my plate out for a second the cat will pounce at it.

I’m not sure what to do, because my boyfriend seems to know nothing about disciplining or training them and it really frustrates me. He also just doesn’t seem to want to discipline them. He finds their terrible behavior to be funny and cute, which drives me INSANE.

Tl;dr: my boyfriends cats drive me nuts. He is very resistant to training them at all. What do i do?

EDIT/UPDATES: Thank you all so much for your ideas! He is going to buy me new bras. The cats have a good amount of toys, but I went on amazon for some more toys that are good for scratching. I also got a spray bottle for the other cat. We are throwing away the cat treats (which were, according to the research I have done, completely toxic and actually addicting to cats.)

For the litter box, my boyfriend does clean it like every day, and I've checked it many times. It's pretty clean. I think the cat maybe gets confused with the bath mat/sink. My boyfriend has attempted to potty train him in the toilet with this weird toilet trainer thing for cats. I think he gets confused.

I will take accountability for the fact that I get so angry about the cats and take control of trying to help train them. Thank you all!

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In my last post: http://goedhartvoordieren.nl/?page=r/relationships/comments/3aqzkc/my_dad_57_m_asking_me_20f_to_stop_my_mom_53f_from/

I was 20 years old an in panic over my familial and financial situation. A court case was brewing between my mother and father; my mother accusing him of owing him a lot of child support money. It received some comments which were helpful, but it was a very confusing time. After having refused to get involved in the court case drama, my mother admitted to me that she was in a lot of debt and didn't see a way out. She was afraid of not being able to make rent. I was also in a tough spot because I wasn't eligible for student loans in England (I qualified as an International at the time) and I couldn't take out a private loan to continue my education.

I also realized that not getting involved wasn't exactly a neutral position - a lot of the money that my father owed my mother was actually money that he owed 'me' when it comes to expenses after I was 18, and my mother had in large part paid what he hadn't for me to be able to continue my education. If I wasn't involved, then she could not get that money back. To be clear, in my country, child support MUST be paid to the other parent or to the child if they are above 18 until they are self-sufficient, according to the means of the parents. My father had the means, he just refused to collaborate according to the actual divorce agreement a lot of the time and made his own rules (this was not legal in any way). Although my father technically provided for me in some ways, he did not meet the basic requirements of the divorce contract in many ways.

I decided, around 3 years ago that I couldn't not be involved, but that I would be involved as least as possible. I remembered a conversation that I had with my parent's divorce lawyer when I was 17 (I had sought him out to try to understand their financial conflict and what to do about it); he had told me that if my father did not pay for my university, I should absolutely take him to court. I therefore did the following: I allowed my mother to legally file charges against my father 'on my behalf' for money owed after I was 18. Apart from a couple of documents signed that allow her to do this, I am not really involved in the court case and have asked that my mother and father keep me out of it. However, as you can imagine, my father felt extremely betrayed. However, as I saw it, this was now in the court's hands and they were a better party to decide who was 'right' than I could ever be. So I stuck with my decision and tried to explain my reasoning to him, which fell on deaf ears. He kept trying to manipulate me into stopping the court case and used details of our personal conversations to stop the proceedings. After that, we essentially ceased contact.

During this time, I entered a deep depression and became suicidal. I felt so guilty and so lost, like I had no worth. I was confused and kept questioning my decisions, but at least that decision kept me studying. And I did so well. Throughout the years I worked so hard no matter how depressed I got. I went to my classes. I got good grades, and kept my scholarships I eventually graduated top of my class with two awards from my faculty. I also went to therapy and got a job to start supporting myself and ease the financial strain.

In therapy, we talked about guilt and how this was my parent's problem, not mine, and how to set boundaries. I also had a lot of childhood trauma that we worked through with EMDR therapy, which I highly recommend. I had spent a lot of my childhood feeling abandoned and emotionally alone, pitted between my parents. Being able to find a sense of self through therapy was so beneficial. I remember during one session my therapist told me that my body looked much more calm - in the past I was always shivering and moving around in the chair, and now I was sitting still. We had come a long way. There was also a lot to unpack about my relationship with my mother. I also became slightly estranged from her despite keeping contact. Emotionally, she was frantic due to the stress of finances, and I couldn't cope with all of her victim mentality. I grew into myself and my mom and I have a much better relationship now, as she understands that I won't take sides and that I don't want to talk about my father with her.

Fast forward to today - I am doing really well in life. The court case is still ongoing, but I am not very aware of it in my daily life. I have an amazing boyfriend and friends. Although I have largely gotten used to life without my father, sometimes I do miss the good times we have shared together in the past. A couple of days ago, he sent me an email stating that he misses me and wants to reconnect. I ended up giving him a call today. However, as soon as we got past the pleasantries he brought up the court case and that it's time to stop 'attacking' him. When I tried to explain my position, he said that it was unacceptable and that he wouldn't have a relationship with me as long as I continue to support the court case. I don't know what to do or how to relate to him in these circumstances. He made me feel like I am the main instigator in the situation when this has been ongoing since I was ten and in my mind I am doing the best to resolve it. I feel the guilt and blame I worked so hard in therapy to work through coming back I want a relationship with him, but on my terms, but I don't know what those terms should be. Also, is he correct? Have I fucked up by getting involved? I feel like no matter what I would have done I would be blamed, and I'm so sick of being in this position. I just want to live my life in peace.

I know this is quite long and complicated so I'll just cut it short. If you need any clarifications of have questions, I will edit the post and answer them.

TLDR; My parents are involved in a high-conflict court case over money post-divorce. I have facilitated this court case by supporting my mother's decision to go to court against my father for child support that has not been paid. My father wants a relationship with me but blames me for the court case. How do I relate to my father?

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46

My husband and I have been married for three years. When we started dating, I made twice as much money as he did and drove a nicer car. This made him insecure - his exact words were that he felt emasculated and embarrassed. He seemed to get over it though and never brought it up more than that one time.

After we got married he started working for a company doing customer service. He was a hard worker and got promotion after promotion, until he made his way to the top. We had our first child about a year later and I became a stay at home mom.

I should mention that I’ve battled depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide my entire life. He always saw this as a huge flaw in me and didn’t know how to react when I was feeling down. He had the cliche view of “Well have you tried being less sad?” I learned later that he would vent to his mom about how difficult it was being married to someone like that.

But to give an example of how he reacts to me when I’m depressed, we only had one car for a while and he wanted to use it to work from a coffee shop, but I started feeling lonely and sad that I had no way to get my son and I out of the house and was stuck there hopelessly day after day (he took the stroller too since he would just take off with the car without telling me). When I confronted him about it, his response was “If the roles were reversed and you were the one working a (his annual salary) job, then YOU could have the car.”

I repeated what he said back to him, in obvious shock, and he said “No, no - that’s not even what I said. You’re twisting my words.” He VERY often uses this exact quote. And yet he won’t tell me what he actually did say, and I find it strange that no one else in my life accuses me of misunderstanding them like that. I’ve told him several times that it feels like he’s gaslighting me because he makes me question my own sanity or understanding of any of our conversations, and without fail his response is always “No, you’re gaslighting ME.”

We’re now in our fourth year of marriage and just had our second child. Last night my husband and I went to dinner. He asked me if I thought the flowers at our table were real or fake, and I said fake because there were still barcode stickers on the stems. He laughed and said I was more observant than he is. Then paused, and corrected it to “Well in that regard anyways.” I asked him why he felt the need to specify, and he said that I am usually “situationally unaware” and “while he likes to pay attention to people and things, I’m off in my own little world.”

I took offense at this, as it sometimes feels like he thinks of me as inferior since he makes a pretty significant amount of money and I have no formal education and only work part-time. He doesn’t seem to have much respect for stay at home moms either, and when we only had one child he said he could both watch our child and work full time and I could go get an actual job (he works from home). I just feel like I’m not good enough.

So I asked him on our way home if he thinks he married down. He got angry and said he refuses to answer that question, and feels insulted that I even asked. I told him if it was such a dumb question a simple answer would suffice, but he still refused to say it. Instead he said he “knew what he was getting into when he married me,” referring to my depression and anxiety.

Then I asked him if he even views me as his equal. He said I deserve an honest answer to that question, and therefore he would think about his answer carefully rather than answer rashly. I wasn’t impressed; if he had asked me if I saw him as my equal I would have an immediate answer of “Yes, of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

He finally answered an hour (!!) later with “I am not inferior or superior and you are not inferior or superior.” It felt so weird to me that he worded it that way, so I asked why he couldn’t outright say “I see us as equals” and he got mad at me and said I was missing the forest for the trees. I kept insisting he say it if it’s true, but he never did. Instead he kept insisting that I seek professional help for my depression. We were driving home during all of this and when we parked the car he stormed inside and went to bed without another word.

I’d like to mention that I was supposed to drive him to the airport for a business trip this morning. We had even just talked about it the night before. When the alarm went off at 4 am, we both got up and started getting ready for the day. Then he turned to me and said “My Lyft is here. Love you, bye.” And took off. I texted him about it and he claims he was trying to be sweet by letting me get some extra sleep (but somehow didn’t stop me from getting up out of bed), and I told him that actually I feel like someone punched me in the gut and can’t sleep at all because of it. He never replied, that was almost 24 hours ago. None of his usual texts telling me when he is boarding or when he landed either. Just straight up ignoring me.

Meanwhile I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. I can’t get it out of my head that my husband doesn’t seem to respect me and can’t outright say that he doesn’t see me as inferior to himself. Add that to some past comments he’s made, and I’m really torn between deciding if this is a dealbreaker for me and completely uprooting my life and my children’s lives, or just letting it go. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I let it all blow over?

tl;dr When asked, my husband won’t outright say that he sees us as equals, and his past comments imply that he doesn’t. Is this something that can be fixed or am I wasting time with someone who thinks they’re superior to me?

43

Step kids live in the US and they're coming to stay with us in Europe. Let me start by saying they are generally absolutely lovely kids, kind and smart and caring in many ways.

Because my husband lives so far away and he can't see them outside of school holidays, he tends to indulge them. The kids go to a competitive school and they work hard all year. So naturally he let's them to do whatever they want during the holidays.

The house becomes essentially their castle when they are here (as it should). For example we have zero access to the TV / consoles while they are here as they are glued to it.

This is ABSOLUTELY fine. My problem stems from hygiene and messiness. My husband is generally happy picking up after them and I usually try to stay out of the parenting side of things. But this year he's recovering from surgery and he can't do as much. I plan to take on all the cooking, general cleaning and groceries while also taking care of a small baby.

But I come from a culture where adults absolutely do not pick up after kids and many house chores are done by kids when they become teenagers (in the case of 3 kids, that becomes most of the chores). Children learn responsibility very young here and even partake in things like household finances / making sure certain bills are paid.

I respect that they come from a home where their mom / maids does most things for them. I never ask them for help for general chores (even when I was 8 months pregnant). I don't think they've ever gone to a grocery store by themselves.

But picking up after their toys, clothes, random trash they leave lying around, doing their dishes etc, well that seems so wrong I can't wrap my head around it. I don't even want to share this with my family for fear they would think badly of my husband for allowing this. It makes me feel bad to even think of cleaning up after a teenager. Like it's deeply weird.

My husband also allows them to not shower for days on end and the house reeks. The boys leave urine on the toilet seat and it seems no one washes their hands.

This is absolutely driving me crazy. When I try to point this out to my husband, he gets defensive and denies they smell/don't wash their hands. Even though I can see them come out of the toilet and run straight to the playstation.

The kids are genuinely nice and the few times I've reminded them to wash their hands, they've promptly done so without argument.

I hate being put in this position where I'm mentally policing their hands. The kids and I have a great friendship and they see me as as their buddy and I don't want to jeopardise this by going all 'mommy' om them.

And with my husband's life changing surgery, I don't want to stress him out too much.

How do I handle this summer visit? I want to enjoy their company without going crazy or upsetting my husband and making him feel like he's failing as a dad. Or am I making too big a deal out of this? How do I be okay with this in that case?

Tldr; Step kids be messy. Husband be sick. I want to stay the cool stepmom without nagging , but I also don't want to clean up after them.

68

Sorry for the weird title. It's a long story. For the last two years I was working in a great job (19.72hr plus childcare reimbursement)so our kids (5&3M) were in daycare. My husband could move to a low paying job (10.5hr) in a restaurant to follow his dream of being a chef. Well I lost my job. I found one where I'm making almost half of what I was before (11.hr) but it has potential for a lot more. The downside is that bills are super tight and its potentially a lot of night shifts, which my husband also works.

Right now my husband is off every Tuesday and Thursday. On Mondays my grandma watches the kids in the morning and my parents watch the kids in the evening. My parents are more then willing to help out after work and watch the kids! But they get up at 4am to work their own jobs. Keeping the kids till 10/11 at night is really tough on them. So they asked me to find babysitters for the nights they don't think they can handle it after 6:30. I have one sitter who's 13, but i dont want to rely on her only and constantly. She has her own life too.

So I posted on Facebook seeing if anyone knew of any affordable sitters. Only one person responded, our neighbor across the street. Her daughter has been asking for years to babysit my kids and her brother is interested as well. Back then my regular babysitter and her older sister were more available so I didn't need anyone else. But now I really need someone so I said sure why not. I even waited to see if anyone else responded. The two older ones are great with the boys and very nice. They even were okay with 8 an hour!

My husband is furious. He suddenly hates that family with a passion. The youngest son (who the mom and I already agreed would NOT be over here while the older two are babysitting) likes to antagonise my oldest and makes both kids a little wild. He doesn't like how they are religious (he's atheist, I'm agnostic and the kids go to church Sunday mornings for a break for us...) and how the girl is in a religious version of girl scouts. They aren't my first choice but I don't dislike them. I think the family is very nice.

Today they were supposed to come over and learn how to put my youngest to bed and I had to make up an emergency because my husband was furious.

I'm at my wits end. I'm trying to make life easier on the people who babysit for free (and more). I disagree with a LOT of their beliefs but they've never pushed anything on me and I only know their beliefs because Facebook. I told my husband if he doesn't want them to babysit then he needs to find us an affordable sitter that's reliable and available on the times and days we may need them. He also refuses. He said he'd try and get the girls who work at the restaurant but they have jobs! That's why we lost our first sitter!

Part of me wants to push this on him and let him handle the sitters. But the other part of me knows if I do that it'll never get done and my parents will get burnt out and not want to help us.

What do I do? What do I say to the mom and the kids? What do I say to my husband? Am I the one who's looking at this wrong?

TLDR I found sitters to relieve my parents at night and my husband suddenly hates that family. He refuses to let them babysit and refuses to look for affordable sitters himself. We desperately need a few sitters to be able to call on. I don't know what to say to the mom/teens or to my husband. I'm also wondering if I'm in the wrong.

214

A couple of months ago, I met 'friend' (we'll call him Jamie) and thought he was cute & sweet. I went on a date with him and it seemed to only go downhill from there. At first, he was an aspiring love interest - but then I got a series of bombardments that really bugged me and occurred to me as red flags. Some of these being - sending $200 flowers to my place of work, proposing long-term engagements such as traveling and living together, and generally just coming on way too fast. All after two weeks.

So I told him lightly that I only saw him as a friend and I was honest with him and let him know that I was overwhelmed by his actions. Since then, he has texted me almost daily. At first, I welcomed the friendship. Thought it might've been harmless. But lately, Jamie has been doing some very odd and disturbing things. Jamie asked me for a picture a few weeks ago. Okay, not so bad. I let him know we were just friends again and he was okay with that. Fast forward to now - Jamie is texting me nonstop and Jamie has apparently been trying to end up wherever I go. I told him I was going to a few different joints in the past few days and he invited my close friend to go to all of them with him, while I was there. I NEVER invited him. My friend immediately called me and let me know, told me it was really off and creepy. Now Jamie is constantly sending me videos of him serenading me and frankly just being weird.

After the past few days of feeling perturbed by this, I have been ghosting Jamie. I don't know what to even say to him. He has been texting to no avail but I really want to cut it off. I don't feel comfortable with his actions and I feel unsafe continuing to be his friend. Call me overdramatic, but I have had bad experiences with people like this before.

I don't want to include my friend in any of this, so as much as I want to talk to him about how uncomfortable I am that he is trying to show up wherever I am, I can't. I also can't fail to mention that he shows up at my place of work often.

Should I keep ghosting Jamie? I really don't know what to do. I just don't even want to talk to him but I know that is a terrible way to handle things.

TL;DR 'friend' has been trying to show up places that I'm at and it's making me uncomfortable

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24

My partner drives people around in his car for a popular app.

One of his customers from last night contacted him today under the guise of having left something in his car. He says he replied that he didn't find it.

She sent him a text basically saying "oh well, I had fun talking to you" and said she wanted to grab coffee sometime.

He replied "I had fun talking to you as well, sounds good :)"

So she said "cool, when are you free?"

He said he doesn't know what to say now, I told him that's because he led her on.

I'm pretty pissed, but I'm wondering if I am just being crazy.

He comes home and tells me all the time about dropping girls off at bars and them trying to persuade him to come inside for a drink, which has never bothered me. I work for tips, and I'll admit that when I'm with a customer I will flirt to get a bigger tip. The flirting ends the second I have their money in my hand and I wish them a nice day.

When my partner brought it up, he specifically asked me "Do you flirt with customers at work?" And I think he was just trying to make himself feel less guilty in this situation... I don't know...

Tl;dr: partner got hit on and responded positively. He says he had no ill intentions, I feel like he's being deceitful.

358

I’m sorry if this is not the right place to vent about this. But I wish you guys would help me sort through my feelings.

I loathe my dad. Which is more than hate. Hate is not a good enough word for what I feel about him. I despise him. His very presence makes me cringe and want to hide, want to hit him and shout at him and make him go away.

Hear me out though. I’m a 17 year old girl. Nearly an adult. But dad treats me like a child. I cannot even set the air conditioner in the room below a certain temperature because according to him ‘you’ll feel cold!’ Excuse me, I’m 17 and I know myself, if I feel cold I’ll increase the freaking temperature. He just wants control over me. If I delay my breakfast he’ll yell at me to go have it in that ‘I know better’ tone. If I’m hungry, I’ll go have food. Simple as that. He treats me like I’m 5.

Since I’m a girl, he’s forbidden me to even TALK to boys. I cannot even add them on social media. Dating is basically illegal for him. I also can’t wear shirts that are above my knees, I have to cover my chest with a scarf. No revealing clothes. Even my ID card is with my dad, he thinks I’ll lose it. Even though I have always protected my belongings. I’m not allowed to even stand in front of men or boys. I can’t take driving lessons even though I’m 17. I have never gone out on my own, not even walk in front of my own house because dad will freak out. My brother is 13 and he can go anywhere he wants on his own, he’ll be taking driving lessons soon, he’s allowed to do things I can’t. He’s allowed to talk to the opposite gender too. My dad is so sexist. He also sits us down for lectures whenever he’s in a bad mood, telling us all about ‘how hard I work for you all’ and ‘no one cares about me but I care about everyone’ and ‘you all keep disappointing me so I must have brought you up in the wrong way’. Okay dad. You barely pay for the groceries. You barely let mom work. The house we live in isn’t even yours, it’s our maternal grandmother’s. You cant pay for our education, our uncle does that. Our uncle and paternal grandfather pay for 75% of our expenses, my dad just sits on a laptop and watches porn. He has a business apparently which he can barely handle, he doesn’t work hard enough at his jobs so either he’s fired or he leaves the jobs himself. And he doesn’t even thank our relatives for doing so much for us.

And it doesn’t end at that. My dad hits my mom (he doesn’t hit me though) and constantly abuses her. I don’t think he loves her. He went for her SISTER (yes, my mom’s sister) and keeps looking at her pictures, keeps messaging her. Basically harassing her. She keeps telling him to stop but he’s obsessed with her. He ruined my mom and her sister’s relationship. My mom has turned into a completely different person thanks to my dad who started it in the first place. My dad also tries to coerce the maids at our house into having sex with him. He told one of our maids that he’ll cut her salary if she doesn’t have sex with him.

Sometimes I feel ill be stuck here forever. I live in a Muslim country and I have no rights here, I have no life. I want and I need to get out of here. I want to get away from my dad. I feel like killing him sometimes. I am messed up.

I don’t talk to him. Even though I live with him. Whenever he talks to me, I say a short sentence and am very unresponsive. If he’s in a room I don’t go there unless necessary, I do my best to not be around him because I feel depressed and angry and want to shout at him, and that’s only gonna be bad for me since I still live with him so I just avoid him. He has noticed this and looks hurt I guess and that makes me feel guilty sometimes because no matter what you still want validation from your parents. Then I remember that he’s made my life a living hell and maintain my stony attitude towards him. He deserves it.

Edit: wanted to clear some stuff about my mom so here: I just feel sorry for my mom sometimes. But most of the time that ‘feeling of sorry’ just disappears. Why? Because she’s having an affair with MY DAD’S BROTHER. I don’t even understand how did this happen because it happened last year and it was sudden and I kept disregarding the idea till it was in front of me. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. She keeps asking him for more and more money, to buy her really expensive clothes and wants him to take her (and us) on a vacation abroad. While secretly sneaking with him to dinners in fancy restaurants because my uncle is gullible and kinda rich. And I feel so guilty because my uncle doesn’t deserve all this, she’s using him for money while he genuinely feels for her (but why didn’t he think about how it would mess up the kids, I mean your mom and paternal uncle are having an affair Wtf. My family is messed up).

Then when Dad hits her and emotionally abuses her when he’s in a bad mood I feel sorry for her. I wish she would be a better mom to us though. I wish she would leave him and give us a better life. But I hate her too because she contributed to my messed up life.

TL;DR: my dad is a control freak who doesn’t even pay the bills and abuses my mom and wants to be with mom’s sister. Mom is currently in an affair with my dad’s brother and uses him for money. How do I deal with my family and escape from this situation?

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89

Hi everyone. On vacation, my girlfriend got a bit too drunk at dinner with one of our friends our last night there and accidentally spilled my wine into my lap when she was telling a story and gesticulating. The restaurant was in the resort so we only walked a few minutes back to the room for me to change and then we planned to meet back up with everyone else we were vacationing with. She was apologetic the entire walk back to our room and I really wasn’t angry at all, it was a complete accident. As I’m standing over the sink cleaning my clothes, she kept apologizing over and over (she has anxiety stemming from their thinking she’s a failure who messes things up) and I told her it’s really okay, just please stop apologizing and give me a minute to breathe and clean my pants in the sink, then I can change so we can go meet up with everyone. She said okay and went and laid down on the patio couch while I finished cleaning. About 10 minutes later, I’m cleaned and I’ve changed so I come outside to tell her I’m ready to go. She’s crying and talking about how I’m an asshole and how I’m just so rude to her and that we’re not going out anymore. So I just said okay and stepped back inside and got on my phone. I figured I’d give her a bit of space to calm down then we’d talk. After about 10 minutes, I check on her and she’s fallen asleep. I try waking her up to bring her inside so she doesn’t get eaten by mosquitoes but she shrugs me off and says she doesn’t want to get up. So I say okay again and go back inside. I didn’t want to leave her outside all night because she was drunk and would be annoyed about having bug bites, but she didn’t want to come in, so about 20 minutes later when she hadn’t yet come inside I tried again to wake her up to no avail then went and threw a thick blanket on her so she had a little bit of protection at least. I’m in bed falling asleep when a few minutes later she comes in calling me names and trying to shake me to get me up. I asked her to please stop and she started screaming at me and slapping me through the blanket to get me up. When she finally realized I wasn’t going to get up and argue, she cried herself to sleep. She doesn’t know, but I was abused by my father as a kid and her actions that night brought back a lot of physically and sexually abusive memories. The next day, she felt terrible and has been apologizing - she never once made any excuses for her actions. She said she was embarrassed she spilled wine and didn’t want to think the problem was her fault so she wrongly tried to blame me and she escalated it when I wouldn’t engage her. She’s enrolled in therapy and agreed to cut back on her drinking and has been doing everything she can to prove this was a one-off fuck up. This night’s actions was so far off her normal behavior, it’s unreal. She’s normally an incredibly kind, caring, encouraging person who would never say anything harsh about even someone she hates. In our entire 3.5yr relationship (and 7.5yr friendship) I’ve never seen anything that would give me any reason to think she could act like that. We’re only about a month away from that night, but I’m still having a lot of trouble moving forward. She’s supportive that I take whatever space or time I need. Now, the problem is that she brought up a lot of very bad memories from my past and I’m having trouble being affectionate and moving on.

*TL;DR; : GF tried to start an argument and escalated it to slapping which brought up memories of my childhood abuse. Is this something that I just need more time? I want to move past this but would like some advice if anyone has any perspective. Thanks! *.

54

Hi reddit,

I will try to make this as clear as possible. Here are the - I believe - useful facts :

About me :

  • I started my studies when I was 17, and dropped out of two schools before discovering I had ADD. It has been a long fight against ignorant doctors but I finally obtained medication 15 days ago and it really seems to help so far. My mother helped me through this (she has ADHD and got medicated at the same time).
  • I decided to go back to school in september after a year of academically... nothing. That's why I am catching up maths and physics as best as I can. I think it will take the whole summer.
  • I leaved my emotionally/verbally abusive boyfriend (who I've lived with from november 2017 to may 2018) a month ago approximately.
  • This depressive episode (very debilitating, classified as "severe") started last year around march, and was triggered by a series of failures in my studies (which themselves have been mostly caused by undiagnosed ADD). Thanks to the latests events, I've been doing much better during the last two weeks.
  • I am on a new antidepressant (low-dose) whose secondary effect basically is "tiredness".
  • I frequently work in my mother's restaurant (and this for the past 6 years). Whenever she asks, I'm here (when it is doable, of course). I would say that, on average, every year, I do the equivalent of 2 months worth of full-time work (since my 16th bithday, and much less before).
  • My current activities are : working on maths/physics ; driving my 18-y.o. sister everywhere for her school ; taking care of the two yougest (13 and 11 y.o.) ; doing most of the daily housekeeping ; working at her restaurant when needed ; trying to see my friend when I'm not too tired.

About my mother :

  • She is a great mother : I've told her I was bisexual, depressive, that I believed I had ADHD, etc... She never blamed/shamed me. She always did her best to understand and support me and my sisters.
  • She has worked as a restaurant owner for 20+ years, and this new one has been her own for about a year.
  • She never had depression.
  • She is always very tired with her work (which is totally normal, I'm not blaming her about this).
  • Having her kids work with her is in her education. She did it while younger (in my GP's restaurant - yes this is a family thing), my older sister [30F] did it too.
  • She does not expect me/my sisters to take the restaurant over. In fact, she hopes we will find something that we personally do like.

About us :

We go along quite well, despite some minor fights once in a while. We're six home (2 parents + 4 daughters - I'm the oldest). We're french middle-class people.

So here is my issue : I don't know how to handle a lot of school work, taking care of my younger sisters, driving the 18-years-old one everywhere, the housework, a bit of a social life and a full-time job in her restaurant. I currently am very tired. I don't want to relapse due to overstepping the mark.

During the last conversation we had, I tried to explain my reasoning. She argued that "the more you sleep the more you're tired" ; "your older sister worked during the summer of her studies" (which is true, but she never had to do schoolwork during summer OR had anything like depression happen to her) ; "you're not more tired than the others" (what others ???). I asked her if she thought she could do schoolwork between the services, despite the tiredness. No answer.

I agree completely with the fact that I should make some money since I am 20 and capable of it, but I believe circumtances need to be taken into account. I am not my older sister.

I would agree with working part-time, as an example. I don't care. I know she needs help there. But I can't try to recover while standing in a place I hate, doing things I hate instead of working on subjects I worship.

But I don't know if her expectations are unrealistic, or if I am being a privileged kid who can't handle normal life.

EDIT : I forgot to mention I am not paid while working at her restaurant. The money she saves from having me (instead of someone she’ll have to pay taxes for) is quite important.

Next year I will live at my sister’s so there won’t be any expensive loan. It, indeed, does not mean I should not work. Only that free school + free apartment makes things easier financially speaking, and that I am not engaged in very expensive studies. I would also like to add that I did try to make money this year, to save for later. But when I finally got a job a few months ago, I had a nervous breakdown, ended up in the ER and have been summoned to wait until I recover. Which I haven’t completely. I am tired of relapsing into depression. The cost of failing another year is greater than the money she will save having me there.

Thank you if you made it that far. If you have any advice, a question, a observation, my ears (eyes) are wide open ! :)

TL;DR : My [20F] Mom [50F] wants me to work full-time to her restaurant this summer. I am recovering from depression, very tired and trying to catch up with mathematics and physics, so that I can re-enter university in september. I don't think I can do both and she doesn't want to hear it. Am I wrong ? Ungrateful ? Is she asking too much from me ?

I would like to apologize if I made english mistakes, or if the writing style is ugly - I'm not a native speaker. Feel free to correct me if you wish. Have a good day ! :)

53

About a year ago I met this girl "Bethany" through a work friend. We hit it off right away and over the past several months we've gotten to be pretty close. We've had some good heart to hearts about personal issues, we've gone on day trips together, and we've invited each other over for family gatherings. I'm a lesbian and she's bi, but I was in a relationship until fairly recently and I've always known she was also in a relationship. So things have never crossed into romantic territory.

I haven't spent a ton of time around her boyfriend "John" but I'll admit he never made a good impression on me. The few times I've talked to him, he's been anywhere from rude to outright hostile. I learned recently that they met online when she was 18 and he was in his late 30s, which really skeeved me out, although I don't think they started officially dating until after she was out of college. And I really don't think he treats her very well. Once at a party I overheard him talking to some strangers about Bethany's depression, which I know she's not super open about. Bethany almost never talks to me about him but the stuff she does share with me does worry me. I have no reason to believe he's being physically violent with her but it does seem like he has a bad temper and yells at her/drags her into arguments a lot.

So anyway, getting to the point. Bethany and I have been planning this big roadtrip to a music festival for a while now. It was my idea but Bethany's always seemed pretty excited about it. A few days ago, we were emailing back and forth about gas money and what bands we want to see. Everything seemed fine and she seemed happy. But yesterday I got this text from her saying "we don't know each other well enough to go away for a weekend together." There was also some stuff about like "you text me too much" (I've sent her maybe a dozen texts in the past month?) and "I'm not okay with physical contact." (We've never done anything more than hug.) Nothing she was saying made any sense to me. And it wasn't like we'd been fighting leading up to this. So I texted her back just saying "Sorry, did I do something to offend you? Do you want to get coffee so we can clear the air?" and she texted me back "No, there's nothing to talk about, just give me some space."

I honestly can't point to anything I might have done that would prompt this. I asked for advice from a couple of mutual friends and they both agreed it was really weird and out of character for her. Obviously if I've done something to make her mad, I want to know so I can make it right. But I can't shake the feeling that maybe her boyfriend maybe went through her email, saw us planning this roadtrip, and accused her of cheating or something. And like forced her to text me and cancel the trip? And make rules about texting and physical contact?

I don't have any hard evidence that he's behind this but something's really not adding up. I want to talk to her about it but she said she doesn't want to meet up and talk. And if John IS behind this, I don't want to do anything that would leave a paper trial, or that he could see, like emailing her asking if everything's okay in her relationship. I don't want to lose this friendship, and if she's in a bad situation with this guy I want to help her, but I really don't know where to begin. Help?

TL;DR: I think my friend's boyfriend suspects she's cheating on him with me, which is not true, and I think he might be forcing her to cut me off.

31

My boyfriend is a fast and scary driver (in my opinion) and I’m quite a nervous passenger in a car with him. I reacted badly to him boosting and accelerating very very quickly and started screaming.

I feel bad because I know I could just not go in a car with him but sometimes it’s necessary. Am I in the wrong to react like this to when he goes too fast?

He wants to drive rally cars and doesn’t understand why I get scared in a car with him. He goes over the speed limit when I’m not in the car (eg. 100-130km/h in a 60 zone) but says he doesn’t go over the limit when I’m with him, but I know he does.

This is not on highways either, this is in our suburb streets.

He got super super offended when I told him I was worried he’d crash because it was an insult to his driving.

I go in cars with loads of other people driving so I know his driving isn’t the norm and other people comment on it too.

TLDR; boyf drives in a way I don’t like, very fast and angrily. I reacted in fear when he slammed the accelerator, he got angry, I don’t know who is in the wrong

44

Both of us are 24 and it's been on and off 3 years. Not to sound conceited but I am an attractive girl I take care of myself and I get so depressed when I have to wait a week for him to want sex and its just me sucking his dick every time and then him sticking it in. He doesnt eat me out, finger me, he doesnt even take off my bra. At one point he suggested we schedule sex for every 5 days. He already sees me as needy and overbearing so how do I approach this without being even more annoying? I know he watches porn and stuff so I'm like why do u want to stare at them but not me?

TL;DR boyfriend is one sided and selfish with our sex life

36

My boyfriend Diego and I have been together for 4 years now. We moved in together a year ago. We’ve been slowly settling down. We haven’t got joint bank accounts right now. But normally, my pay checks pays for groceries, and every day spending. His pays the bills. We are happy with this and I’ve never had any doubt in him. I could never believe he would do something idiotic that would get us in a mess. But he has.

7 months ago, he got a loan out with a random company. He never told me and he kept it very very quiet. Bills were paid, and he did do a lot of spending but I assumed thats just left over bill money tbh and I just didn’t have a clue he had gone and got a loan. It wouldn’t really matter if he actually paid it back! But he didnt. This company had interest added on for just getting the loan, so on top of that, loads more interest has been added for it not being paid on time. He’s very very late paying it back.

I’m fuming. He only burrowed 2000 but we have to pay back way more. (Don’t want to be specific Incase he reads this, but it’s enough to really put us in a hole financially.) We can’t afford to pay this back without losing something else as we aren’t super well off.

We are going to struggle financially and that’s a given. But I’m stuck on what to do next - relationship wise. I think this is very stupid of him and I’m struggling to come to terms that he has made a terrible decision that’s impacted us both greatly. He hid this from me and I’m hurt he kept this secret.

I don’t even know exactly what he spent the loan on either. I know he brought a video game console but that’s it. I have asked him but he’s just said video games and stuff. Which I can’t really see 2000 worth of gaming stuff. I’m just finding it hard to trust him or believe a word he says. Also I believe it’s not a great thing to go spend a loan on, it’s not like he needed the newest xbox.

TLDR : feel very hurt by my boyfriend getting a loan behind my back, then not paying it back and putting us in a hard place financially. Is this a dead end relationship wise?

236

Kind of a follow up from my previous thread here, but also I just need advice. For background, my mom has been mad at me for a bit over a year that I didn't introduce her to my boyfriend before I met his parents (see previous thread). My boyfriend now knows this, but I don't think he understands it's more anger at me than loathing of him personally (she hasn't met him yet, and refused to in the past).

One of my siblings is getting married, and a last minute change in venue allowed me to bring a +1. I told my mother Friday I was possibly inviting my boyfriend-- she told me I should just hang out with her and her friend, but if I invited him I should let her know so she could let my brother/his wife-to-be know.

I complicated everything by texting my brother straightforward my boyfriend was coming. I thought my mom would be upset if I told her after our conversation and I didn't want to deal with it Friday. Well, I finally told her yesterday and she's furious I went behind her back, manipulated, and orchestrated this entire thing with my brother.

I apologized and explained to my mother I was afraid she would be upset and that is why I delayed telling her, but she called BS. I know I should have been more upfront with her about my boyfriend, but I'm scared to because I get this response a lot and I don't know how to deal with it.

TL;DR: My mom is hurt and angry at me because I invited my boyfriend to sibling's wedding without telling her first and I'm afraid this is going to affect my brother's wedding. I'm terrified my mother is going to be angry at my brother and refuse to come, and I don't know how to un-invite my boyfriend if my brother tells me to do so.

236
17

I don’t get along with my sister whatsoever. I haven’t seen her in 3 years and I have only spoken to her (in mostly unpleasant conversations) a handful of times since then over text. She is now engaged to someone who I have never met and texted me asking if I would be her maid of honor. I am just confused by why she wants that. We hardly talk and we honestly don’t like each other. We were best friends when we were little so I can see why at some point she would have wanted that, but we have hardly been friends at all since maybe 7 years ago. What do I do? I don’t want to say yes. I don’t feel comfortable making a speech or arranging anything, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Help?

Tldr: title says it all, sister who I don’t talk to wants me to be her maid of honor. Not sure what to do

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