EDIT: Wow, this blew up. I've read through all the replies and want to address a few things, especially for anyone who didn't read the original post:
I'm not being abused. I'm not being manipulated. The hysterectomy idea was brought up as an option to permanent sterilization, it's part of an ongoing conversation. We are childfree, she had planned to get her tubes tied when she turned 30 since before she met me. It probably would not have escalated to this if I had just said "okay." It was when I reacted strongly that she got defensive.
Therapy, particulary couples therapy was already suggested between us and we're probably going to go for it. She admitted she has some baggage surrounding her previous dead bedroom relationships, and because I wasn't listening and she figured that getting her ovaries out was a potential solution to something. I didn't think it was needed to go into detail like this, but she said when we were talking that she was surprised at how heated she got over the issue. She also realized after the fact no doctor would take her ovaries out voluntarily.
For the people that missed it, we generally communicate pretty well. I just missed the sex talk from her... for 6 months. Again, something that can hopefully be addressed with therapy. If every bump in the road or accidental miscommunication is breakup worthy... jeepers, good luck to you guys
I got a lot of advice on the last post from all points of view, and a couple of messages, so I figured I'd do an update. First off, she doesn't actually want a hysterectomy, it was a cry for help or a red flag. Also, I'm an idiot.
So the day after I made the post, I wanted to clear the air because like I'd said, things were chilly and off. So I sat down with her and I had a whole apology planned about doubting her judgment and clearly she knows her body and I was just worried because I love her and I support her and so on and so forth, but I only got partway in before she got upset, told me it doesn't matter because she knows she can't get one and its not happening. Then I got really confused and said if it's what she wants, then I'll help her get one and find the right doctor and we can do our research together. She yelled that she doesn't want one and to drop it and leave her alone. Then she burst into tears and stormed out of the apartment.
So I'm super confused and worried at this point. I didn't call because when she gets this upset, it's better to leave her be. But I sent her a text telling her I love her and I want to fix whatever is going on. She came back an hour later still crying and said she needs to talk and tell me something. I was completely braced for the worst, that she'd cheated or was pregnant, but I think what she said actually hurt more. She wanted the hysterectomy as a last ditch resort to intentionally kill her sex drive. Remember how I mentioned we had a rough patch? About 6 months ago. Well I thought everything was better than ever since then, but what I didn't notice was Ive coincidentally taken on some bigger projects at work since then, which has upped my stress levels, and I didn't notice we've been having less and less sex. She pointed out that we only had sex twice in the past month, and I dont initiate. She also told me her last three relationships ended with dead bedrooms where her partners refused to work on it so she was scared it's happening to her again. She then told me that if it keeps happening to her, that there must be something wrong with her and how awful she feels, so she jus wa ted to not feel any thing sexually. Honestly, the whole thing is heartbreaking and I felt so guilty. She had brought up the sex thing a few times before but I hadnt taken it serious enough and I guess she just gave up.
Anyways, I felt like garbage and I've spent every day since trying to make it up to her (and yes, we've been having sex.) I've also committed to making I initiate and to actually listen before things snowball. She's happier, shes incredible, I'm much better for actually getting some too, and I'm the luckiest man on the planet.
** TL;DR: she didn't want a hysterectomy, she wanted me to get my head out of my ass and pay attention. We're fixing what could have been a dead bedroom, and working on communication. This will probably make us stronger
This has been an ongoing issue for the last three years that we have been together. In short, we end up fighting almost every time I try to go to bed before she does. I am looking for community feedback on the issue and advice on how to set boundaries and talk with her appropriately.
A little about us- We have been together for six years and living together for the last three. I am engaged in a fairly high stress profession that can have some demanding hours - I am usually out of the house by 7:30, and am frequently not finished with work until around 6:00 or so; some days I need to go in for work much earlier. She also works a fairly high stress job, but works shorter hours and has a more flexible schedule - going into work at 9:00ish and leaving before 6:00. She has always been a night owl- when we first started dating in college she would routinely stay up until 2:00 am or later and then sleep until past noon. I have always been unable to sleep much past 8:00 am, and so typically turn into a pumpkin around 12:00 at the absolute latest. My bedtime routine is pretty simple, I go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, and am done. Hers is a little more involved; she is into Asian beauty products and has a whole bedtime routine that she tries to do every night. The problem is that she also has a tendency to pick at pimples and other marks on her face if left unattended - so she asks me to help her out by hanging out with her while she does her routine to make sure that she does not pick at her face. I don't mind doing this, but often our issues related to bedtime stem from her wanting me to wait around for her to be ready to do her routine. FWIW- she has ADHD and takes daily medications for it, but those have long worn off by the time we are thinking about bed.
Now onto the issue - it seems like almost invariably when I want to go to bed early we end up in an enormous fight.
Last night, for example, we watched a movie that ended around midnight. I told her that I didn't really want to watch anything else, and that if she wanted to stay up I could play some video games with her to keep me engaged and awake. She didn't want to do this and instead wanted to watch a nature documentary on Netflix- so I agreed. But after twenty minutes of knock-off David Attenborough, I started nodding off. I was exhausted and the show, while cute, was putting me to sleep. But rather then let me doze while she watched the show, she started poking me to wake me up. I'd stay alert for a second but slowly then drift back to sleep, prompting her to poke me again. This continued until she was mad at me for sleeping and I was mad at her for waking me up constantly. We argued, until finally she demanded that I leave the room after announcing that I had ruined what had been a nice night by falling asleep during the show. I went to bed, and at around 3:00 woke up to discover that while she had come to be as well, she had left every light in the house on, including the lights in the bedroom. So I had to get up and turn off all the lights that she left on.
This sort of occurrence is not uncommon. In the past when I have gone to bed early (particularly if we have been fighting with each other) she will wait until I have fallen asleep and then employ a number of tactics to wake me up again later: we have wifi controlled bedside lights and she likes to flick them on and off repeatedly to keep me awake; one time she used my icloud login to make my phone do the lost phone ping every few seconds. She doesn't seem to understand that this conduct is unacceptable. She justifies it because she thinks she feels entitled to an apology for whatever started the fight off in the first place (often me being gumpy at her for not going to bed sooner). It does not often get to this point where she is actively preventing me from sleeping - but it has happened four or five times this year.
More frequently she just demands that I stay up later and later to watch her wash her face. She'll be on her computer or her phone deep into Reddit, and she refuses to set her computer down (because it breaks her chain of thought) to go wash her face when I tell her that I want to go to bed. Rather, she wants me to sit and wait until she is done browsing before she will get up wash her face. It's not just a minute or two to finish up an article- it's fifteen or twenty minutes to finish up all her open tabs. And if I nag her about going to bed during this time she just gets angry because I interrupted her train of thought. Often, once I [literally] coax her off of the couch and she has washed her face, she will then decide that she actually does need to do those chores that she put off for the entire evening like running the laundry machine. It is not infrequent that I will tell her that I need to head to bed at 11:00 and that we don't actually go to bed until 12:30.
I can't keep doing this. My job performance and mental health have suffered because I end up either staying up to later either indulging her demands for more time, or because we don't and we end up in these long fights that takes hours off my needed sleep schedule. I am already running very close to the line of not enough sleep as it is; I just want her to respect my need for sleep. I don't feel like I can to to bed before her without it becoming a fight.
TL:DR - Girlfriend of six years gets mad when I want to go to bed earlier then she does and then escalates the situation by rudely waking me up if I try to go to sleep early.
Well I talked to him. I didn’t feel like fool but I did feel heartbreak.
He said he’s too busy for a relationship right now but would like to keep seeing me. We have been exclusive but honestly it’s just not good enough for me after 3 months. Only because I hate it when people act like they’re in a relationship and do everything besides put a label on it or claim you as their significant other. And then when things go awry they throw that excuse right in your face “but we weren’t in a relationship!”
So. I’m not sure what to do. We have mutual friends but I am not that close to them anyways. I plan on just keeping my distance and keeping myself busy until I no longer think of him. Out of sight, out of mind.
Any other advice in getting over you weren’t in a relationship with could help me right now. So feel free to share.
TL;DR: I talked to the guy I was casually dating about what we are and he said he’s too busy to be in a relationship. As in, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. I decided I don’t want that and I want to move on.
My Mom married my stepdad 4 months ago and from the beginning of their relationship there have been red flags. He was always questioning who she was talking to and made her cut off contact with all her ex's/male friends. He would accuse her of cheating and "disrespecting" him. My Mom is probably the nicest person I've ever met and has always lacked the confidence to stand up for herself. I never really trusted my step dad because he always seemed a little unstable. My Mom told me his ex had cheated on him so he has some trust issues but the things he did weren't normal. Up until recently they would have fights but nothing really got crazy.
Well last week my Mom tells me my step dad is moving out and he had grabbed her and shoved her against the wall because he is convinced she has been cheating on him since the beginning. I rushed over to her house because I didn't want her to be there alone when he came to get his things. We packed a bag for him and put it outside and she asked him to just get it and go. But he came inside anyways. He starts getting mad at my Mom and I asked him to leave. He started yelling at me telling me I don't tell him what to do and I'm not "grown". I won't lie, I got upset because this man put his hands on my mother and made her feel like a bad wife. I told him I knew what he did and he needed to get out now. He said he wasn't leaving and took my mom into their bedroom and locked the door.
At this point I am in a panic because I can hear him yelling at her and I had never seen him so angry. I call 911 and tell them that I'm afraid he is going to really hurt her this time. They sent 2 officers to the house who asked him to leave and he just argued with the police and said he wasn't leaving. He refused to comply so they put him in cuffs and my Mom started to freak out, crying and begging him to just leave peacefully. After about 20 minutes of arguing, he agreed to leave. After he left, the officers told us he denied anything had happened and he had been out of town at the time and had texts to prove it. Now he had told my mom he was going to work so I'm guess he was the one who was cheating. The officers told my mom she should get an order of protection and they might be filing charges against him for disorderly conduct.
My mom changed the locks and hid her valuables that night and I thought it was over. I found out it was more than just grabbing her, he had choked her, dragged her and was on probation for ARSON! But now she is seeing him again and I come to find out she is mad I called the police and thinks therapy is going to change him. She is more upset with me than with him and I don't know what to do. I'm scared every day that he is going to hurt her and that he will retaliate against me for calling the cops. This man is clearly unstable and a textbook abuser but I can't stop my mom from seeing him. What do I do?
TLDR: I called the cops on my abusive stepdad and now my mom is back with him and mad at me for calling the police. I'm scared and don't know what to do.
This may sound ridiculous but here we are.
Been together for 1.9 years at first It was fantastic I had a well paying job with tons of free time but unfortunately I made a few mistakes such as lending money and my business slowing down so I had to take another job where I'm working about 70-80 hours a week.
Lately I don't see my Gf anywhere near as much as I used too, from 3 days a week to about 5 hours a week
She claims we're growing apart and that I'm changing. That when we do see each other I'm not all there. I am, I'm just tired.
I do speak to her throught the day, sending Memes back and fourth and calling her at night. She expressed to me that I don't give her much detail about my day but I explained to her that my job isn't exciting, I just worked the whole day and I don't feel like talking about work, but I don't do anything else so there's not much to talk about.
So she asked me to start telling her regardless and I have, but yesterday she texted me that she was going to a city 3 hours away with a male friend I don't know.
She only told me about after she was already there and didn't mention who she was with untill I asked her.
I find it very hypocritical and I'm really upset, had I been the one to do that to her she would have broken up with me.
What should I do? I'm only temporarily working this much to save money so that I can go back to my old lifestyle. We don't live together yet, but im not sure if I even want that anymore.
TL;DR: My work is taking up most of my time, gf says we're growing apart and we need to communicate more but then proceeds to go out of town with a random make friend without letting me know ahead of time. What should I do?
So, for some background: I met my current girlfriend 3 years ago and immediately began dating (I asked her out the first time I met her). So, we are currently at the point in time where we are discussing our potential future together, and since a lot of our life goals match up in terms of where we want to live, how many children we want to have, our career goals are similar, etc. I want to marry her and she has said that if I were to ask she would say yes. We have decided to wait until after we are both done with college, and we are able to support ourselves individually in order to make the union more financially stable. Since, we decided we essentially are married for most purpos I want to marry her and she has said that if I were to ask she would say yes. We have decided to wait until after we are both done with college, and we are able to support ourselves individually in order to make the union more financially stable.
All that is going fine, however, her father hates me with a burning passion. I’m talking beyond the level of “Dad hating the boyfriend” trope. He makes idle threats (Cleaning one of his large gun collection and, one time, “jokingly” pointing an unloaded handgun at me), taunts me (calls me “yank,” for the record, he’s a southern American man), and talks down to me because I’m pursuing a higher education (says I’m not fit for manual labor- “like a woman”). He used to be very nice to me when me and my girlfriend first started dating, but after about two or three months he became very harsh and angry with me. Apparently, he has complained about me to my girlfriend, saying things like we should break up, that I’m not right for her or the family etc. This culminated last thanksgiving, when he invited one of her ex boyfriends to dinner, where he knew I would be, and strongly suggested that they get back together- in front of me.
However, this past six months he’s been very apathetic. He has extended invitations to me at the behest of my girlfriends stepmom to invite me to things like dinners at the house, where it’s clear that he still doesn’t like me, but he’s putting in effort, or so it seemed. I moved back to my parents for the summer because it became too much of a financial burden to have rent to pay and also books and also tuition. I’ve been working my ass off all summer and I decided to take a trip to see her a few weeks ago. I stayed in a hotel and I’d drive to her family home and pick her up. The three days I was there passed uneventfully, we went out to dinner, some movies, etc. but the final night, we went to her house to pick up a makeup bag when her dad pulled me into the dining room. I tried to make pleasantries, but he didn’t respond, he turned to me and said under no circumstances am I to continue dating his daughter, I am completely unfit to be her husband, I’m not a “real man,” etc.
The problem is, it’s making my GF’s life genuinely difficult, it’s putting a slight strain on our relationship as he is incredibly important to her, but she feels like she can’t speak positively about me to him. Her stepmom has suggested that she move out, in a sort of mutually beneficial move, and her father, at the time, seemed supportive. But, he included the caveat that she must save up the money herself, that’s fine. However, he has also restricted the amount of time that she can work by purposefully taking more shifts at work to leave her with her younger stepbrother to take care of. I thought this was just a coincidence, until he openly told me during my visit that he did it on purpose.
He is genuinely trying to break us up, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to risk her relationship with the only biological family she has left, but I also don’t want to risk our relationship over this because I genuinely love her and want to marry her.
What can I possibly do to lessen his hatred- or at least his abusive behavior towards my girlfriend?
TL;DR- My girlfriend’s father hates me and is actively trying to break us up using abusive and manipulative behavior.
EDIT: my girlfriend is aware of this event occurred, has confronted her father about it, and has picked up as many shifts as she can. She is not defending her father, nor is she excusing the behavior, we are a united front against his efforts, but the financial dependency has put her into a bind.
EDIT 2: Breaking up isn’t going to happen. It sucks to be me but it sucks a million times worse for her. I don’t live with him, nor do I rely on him financially.
I’m 7 months pregnant. Prior to pregnancy, my husband and I were big partiers. Not bar hoppers more house parties, drinking at home together, etc. Since becoming pregnant obviously I’ve stopped drinking, and my husband has kept up with how it was pre-pregnancy. About 5 months ago I talked to him about how lonely it feels to be sober when he’s drunk, because I can’t talk to him / he speaks in slurs / he passes out on the couch and I have to figure out how to get him up and get him in bed which is usually a 45-minute ordeal. Eventually, 2 months ago, I asked if he could stop drinking when it was he and I alone together. He said that shouldn’t be a problem.
Recently, it’s turned out “that shouldn’t be a problem” means he’s just going to hide drinking from me. To the point where he’ll lie and say he had nothing to drink and I’ll find mixed drinks stashed away places. We got into a huge argument about it today, where he told me he was living in a prison and I was being unreasonable. I told him he never should’ve agreed to my request to begin with if he didn’t want to follow through, to which he kept screaming “YOU’RE A FUCKING PSYCHO!” He said he wants to drink on weekends because he’s a grown man who can make his own decisions. I never said he had to stop entirely, he can drink with his friends and when we’re at dinner with family and whenever, but when it’s he and I alone at the house I didn’t think it was nuts for him to refrain from getting drunk.
Note here - He doesn’t have a casual beer. He gets DRUNK. Like sloppy, fall down drunk. Not a few beers, which wouldn’t bother me.
I’m contemplating divorce. I don’t want to raise a baby with someone who can’t NOT drink on a Sunday, and drinking solo was never something we did pre-pregnant. Am I being crazy? I’m pregnant, so I could be crazy, but I don’t FEEL crazy here.
Tl;dr - I’m 7 months pregnant and asked my husband to stop drinking when it was he and I alone together, he thinks I’m being unreasonable.
I'm kinda a social butterfly. I have a large but tight knit group of friends from college, who I still see pretty often. I'm the only one in the group with a kid, a lot of my friends don't want kids, are single, or are waiting till later in life. A lot of the group is queer too (Actually including me, I'm bisexual)
My husband is more of an introvert, with two close friends, who live further away from us. His friends have kids, but they live too far to visit easily.
So my husband and I have been trying to make more friends with people with kids, so we can get more involved in family friendly activities. But honestly most of that has fallen on me, because I'm really outgoing and my husband is an introvert. So I've been arranging more playdates and pool parties and stuff, and trying to reach out to the parents of our son's classmates.
And I'm not having much fun with it. Even though I'm outgoing, it's hard to find people I really click with. And I'm not finding it, with a lot of these new people. Hanging out with my college friends feels effortless, relaxing, and fun. Being around the "mommy group" I joined, or the other parents of kids in our son's school... it's kinda draining. Not because they're bad people, just because we don't really click as friends. And believe me, I've tried.
I guess this all came to a head when it was my son's birthday last week. We decided to throw a backyard pool party, and I sent invitations to the families of a lot of my son's classmates, and other kids in the neighborhood. I also invited my college friend group. I thought we'd have a party with something for the kids and adults, swimming and pizza for the kids, and drinks and a bonfire for the adults.
Anyway, the day of the party, all my college friends showed up, some even came early to help me set up and get everything ready.
However, all the parents who had said they'd come with their kids cancelled last minute. Like extremely last minute, just sending a text right before the party was about to start, or even after the start time, with excuses like "Kid's feeling tired" or "We forgot we had other plans" or "Sorry, I don't think we can make it" It felt so shitty to me, since I'd tried so hard to reach out to all these people, and everyone cancelled last minute. I'm not used to that level of flakiness, my college friends go out of their way to be there for each other. I felt burned out from trying so hard, and having everyone flake.
One of my friends who showed up called her sisters, who have two and three kids respectively, inviting them to the party so my son would have someone to play with, and they all ended up coming. So she saved the day, basically.
Anyway, after that, I told my husband I was tired of trying to be friends with people who I didn't click with, and who would disrespect my time like that.
And we got in a pretty big argument. He basically said that's what life's like when you have a family, it's harder to show up for every commitment.
I said that if he was that easy going about it all, why doesn't he do all the work of coordinating stuff, and making plans with people.
He said he's not a "people person" like I am, and he doesn't think he could do it.
I said that "being a people person" isn't fun for me, when it doesn't involve people I don't have much of a friendship with, or don't feel comfortable around. And I don't think I could do it anymore. I'd rather spend time with people I enjoy, like my friends and people I have more in common with, rather than have to force a friendship with the type of person who would flake at the last minute.
He basically said that we have a responsibility to our son to organize stuff with other kids, and I again asked why he can't do more of that.
We started going in circles again, with him saying he's just not good at it, and "what am I going to do, join your mommy group? There aren't really groups like that for dads."
Anyway, I'm fed up, and I don't know how to have a more productive discussion about this.
TLDR - I'm feeling drained, trying to befriend other parents. All the families I invited to my son's birthday party flaked.
When we met, I was a bitter cynic. He pushed the relationship and the commitment early on. We fell hard and fast. We moved in together after about 8 months and said we'd spend our lives together. He told me I was his favorite person in the world and that he wanted to be with me forever. He didn't really believe in the idea of marriage, but said he'd get married for me because he loved me that much. We became a part of each other's families. Every decision I made I made considering us. I know relationships change overtime, and maybe we both got complacent. We were comfortable and we stopped trying, but I was still in it. He never told me he was unhappy. He never gave us a chance. He didn't even tell me in the end. I got a notification that he deleted our relationship status on facebook. When I asked him about it, then everything came out. He's not in love with me and it's too late. I feel like such an idiot. I was making plans for us to buy a house, working my ass off to make enough extra money in bonuses to get us there. I came home exhausted and I had stopped putting in effort, but why wouldn't he even say anything? How do you let something so good rot away and toss it aside without any work? I don't know what to make of it. How much of my relationship was a lie? Am I an idiot? I'm wrestling with all the things that could have been different over the past few years and grieving the future that I knew in my heart that we had. I'm going to work and attempting to be normal, but I can't keep any food down, I'm just a complete wreck. I don't know how to get over this. I just want the guy that loved me back, but I know there's no coming back from this.
tl;dr: We spent 6 years together and he left me blindsided saying he's not in love with me anymore. He never told me he was unhappy or gave it a chance.
My girlfriend is the type that she needs approval of other people. If she's just going supermarket, she would do full makeup first, she would post everything on instagram and basically try to have "swag". I am the opposite, but I don't care if she's happy like that. In the past I have had some ideas that she does not actually care about me but the comfort that I am providing to her (I make 6 times more money).
Recently we went to my country, it's in the coast with nice beaches etc. I had a couple of lymph nodes that the doctors were watching but I actually didn't think anything bad. This time a professor checked them on ultrasound and basically made me to be ready to hear the C word. Well, I was scared and what's worse was that after the biopsy is done (they removed the whole node), waiting for the results. I was scared, my parents and my sister were like ghosts, they didn't sleep nor eat until the results came.
But there was one person who was complaining to me during this whole time, my girlfriend. She was like "We are already here for 4 days and I could not swim. I didn't get tanned as well. I don't want to go back with my white skin.". I was sure that she just needed to show her tanned skin on instagram.
Then biopsy results came clean and everything went back to normal, well except me. I have asked her about the thing she did, I asked why she didn't care at all and was completely selfish. She said there was no point of staying at home while waiting for the results. She had a point, but when I think if someone I care was waiting for biopsy results, probably I would not want to go beach for tanning just because "sitting in home won't change anything".
Is there anything that I should consider as "good" in this case or is it just a big redflag?
tldr; I was misdiagnosed by cancer, while waiting for biopsy, my girlfriend was complaining because she could not get tanned.
Sorry about the formatting and throwaway (friends know my account) I’ll try and keep this to the point but it may get long so you can fully get the picture.
As the title says, me and my partner have been together for 7 years, living together for 6.
We’d mentioned children in the past and he said he wasn’t interested in having anymore, he already has an 8 year old son. But has also expressed his desire for another (particularly a daughter) now and again. I was very on the fence about wanting kids, but more leaning to not, so I didn’t think too much of it.
Last year we decided to buy a house. I’d decided a few months before this that i definitely wanted a child. I hadn’t mentioned it to him yet as I wanted to see if it was just an urge that would pass, but it didn’t.
Before we started the proceedings I sat him down and explained to him that I 100% want a child in the future and in order for us to make this commitment I would need to know that he felt the same way.
At first he was acting stupid, laughing, pretending to run away (how he always acts when I try to talk about something serious with him) so I told him very clearly I needed to know what he wanted. He said he did want kids but not for a couple of years.
Awesome! So fast forward 6 months and our house went through all done and dusted 3 weeks ago. Starting to make the place our own, everything’s great.
Until tonight. We were at dinner with friends and while I was chatting to someone I overheard a friend ask my partner does he plan on having any more kids. He said no. No marriage, no kids, not interested.
He always jokes like he’s not interested in any commitment (at least what I thought was a joke) the same as when I try and have a serious conversation with him, pretending to run away, laughing, shushing the person.
I just shrugged it off but it still irritated me that he can’t talk about this stuff seriously with ANYONE so when we got home I asked him, ‘you were kidding right?’ He said no, he doesn’t want kids. To top it all off he also told me he only ever said he doesn’t but may change his mind. According to him there never was a yes.
I told him that wasn’t true. I wouldn’t have bought a house with someone on a maybe. I even got angry at him and asked if he had lied to me just to get my money to buy the house. I know this isn’t the case but I was pissed and just trying to understand not only why he would have lied to me then but why he is still lying to me now about never saying yes. I don’t know, maybe he genuinely doesn’t remember the conversation as well as I do. It obviously wasn’t as important a conversation to him as it was to me.
But he got mad at me for saying he used me for money and is focusing very much on that point and that point alone. Proceeded to yell Fuck off at me twenty times In a row before storming out the house.
This only happened an hour ago and now I don’t know what to think. Im not even that upset at this point, but I know my whole idea of our future has been shattered. I don’t think everything has fully hit me yet.
I know I want a child in the future. That’s 100%. But I also don’t want this relationship to end. Also there’s the maybe (big maybe I know) that he may change his mind.
I guess what I’m asking is, what would you do in my shoes? Or if you have been in my shoes, what did you do and how did it turn out?
TLDR; boyf said he wanted kids, bought a house together with that in mind, turns out he never did
Previous post here.
My post didn't get a lot of attention, but I wanted to update the people who commented and sent me PMs.
I applied for the job. I landed an interview. I got the job.
I told my mom the day I got the call for the interview that I applied for it, and now I had an interview in a few days. She wasn't too pleased that I didn't tell her I applied for the job anyway, but she quickly got over it when I informed her again that I would love to get the job and if I did get it, I saw myself staying with the organization for probably the rest of my life.
She became excited for me, and the day before I left to go to the interview, she expressed how much she was proud of me for following my dreams, like she did not, and not letting anyone stop me, like she did. She wished me good luck and told me that she knew I'd do great.
I start the new job in a few weeks, which will give me plenty of time to get my things together and prepare for a huge move in my life. My boss is extremely excited for me (tbh, I think she helped get me the job. I listed her as a reference, and she knows most of the people I'll be working with), and can't wait to see me succeed in this new position (conservation is a small world).
Thank you to those who told me to go for the job anyway, because without that push from strangers, I don't think I would have applied.
tl;dr: I applied for a dream job with a dream company, landed an interview, and accepted the job. I start in a few weeks. My mom is excited, my boss is excited, I'm excited. I still can't believe this.
Edit: Thank you everyone for the congratulations and well wishes, they are very much appreciated!!
Edited: Initials changes to pseudonymns upon request
My friend Natalie started dating a man Matt who she met online about 6 months ago. They recently went on a trip together, and posted a bunch of pictures on facebook.
Shortly after, I got a message from my good friend Veronica who saw the pictures. She knows Natalie through me, but they haven't seen each other in maybe 10 years. Veronica told me that her friend Travis, who I have met a couple of times, is actually the brother of Matt. For the entire time they've been friends Travis has always complained and told her stories about the sketchy things his brother Matt has been up to. She told me some of them, and the general summary would be that he sounds like a pathological liar, used to go on drug and drinking benders, and didn't take very good care of the women he dated.
I felt concerned about this, but apparently Travis really doesn't want me to say anything because he thinks his brother deserves a second chance, and Veronica doesn't want Travis to get mad at her for telling me these things. Since all this information is gossip coming through a chain of people, I decided the best thing to do would be to sit on it for a while and see what happens. Natalie and I typically hang out with a group of friends, rarely just the two of us.
When our group of friends got together this week, Natalie told us that while she was away on a vacation, somebody appears to have had a party in her apartment - a bunch of her wine and beer was missing, and she found corks in her bedroom and red wine stains on her white duvet. Natalie thought it was the construction workers who were doing renovations, but her landlord said she didn't think it was them because she was with them the whole time. Matt was with Natalie for the second half of the trip, but for the first half he had a key and was apparently checking up on the construction for her. Given what I know already, I'm quite suspicious that it was Matt who had the party.
One more relevant piece of information is that Matt must be quite charming. When I told Natalie that I knew Travis, she referred to him as her possible future brother in-law.
I feel stuck in a lose-lose situation. If I tell Natalie, she will either be crushed, or may not even believe me since Matt is a charming pathological liar. In addition, Travis and Veronica will likely be angry - they don't want me to say anything. On the other hand, if I say nothing, this seems like it could progress as a classic online dating horror story - Natalie has no idea about Matt sketchy past, and he will continue to lie to her and take advantage of her.
What would you do in this situation? Meet up with her? Continue to wait and watch?
TL;DR: I heard some pretty bad gossip suggesting my friend's bf who she met online is a pathological liar. It seems wrong to tell her this fairly unsubstantiated gossip, but it also seems wrong to let her unwittingly fall in love with a pathological liar. What to do??
BF's mom has been chronically ill over the last several years, since he was a kid. Tonight he got the news that her health has taken a turn for the worst. He called me up and said that when she dies, he's going to be going through a really hard time and he's not going to be available at all and that I should probably just forget about him. He's been bottling up his feelings about his mom for a long time. He basically said that our relationship is over when his mom dies, which could be soon. On top of that, he has other stressors in his life (school, health, etc).
This came out of the blue and I was blindsided and upset by this. I told him I wanted to be by his side and be his confidant and his shoulder to cry on. I asked what I could do to help and support him right now now and he told me he doesn't even want me to bring it up. He told me I can't be that person for him. I was obviously upset because I want to be with him through this, and I don't want this relationship to end. He accused me of making his mother's death about myself. He doesn't want to deal with my feelings.
I don't think it's fair for him to walk out on a relationship and not expect me to have an emotional reaction. But is he right? Am I just being selfish? I want to help him, but he won't accept my support. My heart is breaking and I feel like I can't talk to him about it, lest he accuse me of being selfish again. This is a guy who has always said he wanted to be in my life for a long time and that he was always there for me. And I was starting to believe him. I feel suddenly and completely shut out of his life.
Am I selfish for feeling hurt? How can I best support him?
TLDR boyfriend suddenly doesn't want me in his life because of his mom's health problems and thinks I'm selfish for wanting to help him, and for feeling hurt and upset.
Bear with me. It's a long one.
My grandfather recently passed away, and he left me and my brother a watch, and a tin of cash each. We received about £750 each, and the watches are purely sentimental value. I was given the tin with the money on the Saturday afternoon, and was too busy to go to the bank to deposit it, and banks are closed Sunday. Between Saturday afternoon (14th) and Monday morning (16th), the cash and the tin were stolen. The tin was put in my bottom drawer on Saturday afternoon, and was not there Monday morning.
The issue is that there were a large number of people who had the opportunity to take that money, and I don't know who did it. Seeing as I don't want to drag everybody onto the Jeremy Kyle show, I'm turning to Reddit for suggestions. How do I figure out who took this money? If I have to go to the police, I will, but I would really rather not, seeing as I have no evidence.
The suspects are as follows:
My brother, Michael, 27. He was at my house on the Saturday afternoon, as we'd both received our inheritances. We hung out for a bit talking about my granddad. He only had five minutes in my bedroom alone, but I can't remember if I saw the tin after he left. I was more interested in the watch, and it'd been a long day. I don't think it'd be him, because he got his own money, but he does need money a lot more than me, as his girlfriend is pregnant.
My best friend, Daniel, 24. He came over Sunday, and had plenty of opportunity throughout the day. I told him about the money, but didn't tell him it was in my room. Daniel is wealthy as hell, and my £750 would be petty cash to him. I can't see why he would steal from me, but he would have had the best opportunity.
My girlfriend, Carrie, 23. She stayed over Saturday night, and was super quick to leave Sunday morning. She's been acting a bit off at the moment, but she doesn't really get on with my housemate. I don't think she'd steal from me. I wouldn't be with her if I did. But we've only been seeing each other for a couple of months.
My housemate, Kane, 28. He wasn't in the house until Sunday evening, and his girlfriend was with him, and they both vouch for each other. Kane's a bit weird, and has poor boundries (especially with Carrie), but he's generally pretty honest. If I didn't think he was a safe person to be around, I wouldn't be living with him.
Kane's girlfriend, Alessa, 21. I think it's her. I don't know her at all, but she really dislikes me and Carrie. But Kane swears up and down that he and Alessa were in each other's sight the whole time, and that she isn't a thief. Alessa is also super bad with money, so if she had an extra £750 lying around, she would have had her nails done, and new clothing and things to show for it, which makes me think she might not have stolen it. Also, I have no idea how she would have known about the money, or found it.
I've spoken to each of the "suspects". Michael and Daniel are outraged on my behalf, but have distanced themselves, Carrie is super worried that I think it was her, and is pointing the finger at Kane and Alessa. Kane seems really confused by everything, and won't comment, and Alessa has accused everybody except herself and Kane. She's even suggested that there was no money, and I'm trying to cause drama.
Since that Monday, it's been awful. Carrie doesn't want to see me, Daniel has been avoiding me, and Alessa has been really in my face and passive aggressive about accusing her. Michael told me that it hurt him really badly to be accused of stealing from me.
Are there any ideas or suggestions on how to figure this out before I get the police involved? And is there any point in involving the police?
TLDR: Someone stole £750. Is there a way to figure out who without going to the police? Would the police even be much use in this scenario?
I am on mobile so......
I have been married for 11 years and have 3 great kids. While my wife and I have our ups and downs it has been pretty a calm 11 years. Over the last year or so I find myself becoming less attracted to my wife on an emotional level. I don't tell her about my passions or concerns. In the past she would get annoyed with any complaints and act aloof about things I was happy about. That may just me not seeing the reaction I was hoping for so I take the blame on that.
For me the hardest part had to be that she doesn't show me that she loves me. Sure she says it but most of the time it comes off as hollow. I have asked her what makes her feel loved and she told me that she likes to be told what I ( or the kids) love about her. I do my best to be specific when I tell her I love her and will get her gifts as a just because. She asked me about a year ago how I see that I am loved and I told her that little gifts are great for me. Nothing ever came of it.
The kids are another point where I don't feel loved or appciated. She has one of our kids all day during the school year and another one for half a day. During that half where she has two, they both nap for about 2 hours.
I teach school so I home right now with all three kids all day. The only "break " I get is for those 2 hours the 2 youngest nap. If she needs quiet time from the kids I have to take all 3 and get out. If I need quiet time I still have 1 or 2 of them.
I was sick in December, throwing up, high fever, and when she needed to go to the store/church she left the younger two and took the oldest. I called her on it and said that I can barely move none the less care for two other humans for any amount of time. She threw a fit and left me with all 3.
Sorry for venting, these are just a few things. She does have many good qualities but these behaviors really make her unattractive to me. If anyone can offer suggestions on how to strengthen my emotional attraction to my wife I would really appreciate it. She keeps bringing up marriage counseling but won't set up a time since she is the one working. Thanks in advance.
tl:dr want to work on saving my 11 year marriage but need advice on how to strengthen emotional connection.
Me and K have been friends for years now. She had been very good friends with my bf since childhood, and we ended up becoming close. She was there for me during some painful experiences, specifically a night where I had been cheated on (the situation is a long story, but it was a particularly painful betrayal). I was there for her when her ex had slept with someone else. Aside from that, our friendship has been a lot of fun.
This past year she started dating a new guy. He's very kind and has been very good to her. K also moved in with R, her best friend and another good friend of mine, who herself has a very lovely, caring boyfriend.
In January, they R and K went travelling. We kept in touch throughout, but just quick checkins, nothing very in depth. Because I was away at school, I didn't see them when they got home until about a month later (April/May). We hadn't been particularly close since, but I would still always consider her a very good and important friend to me.
Another friend, A, disclosed to me that K had told her that both her and R had slept with these guys while they were travelling (disclaimer; not that its very relevant to the story, but A we were Very drunk, and she was under the assumption that I already knew). It was with these guys who they were posting all over their social media at the time, and who they showed off to me upon our first reunion this year, talking about how hot they were. At the time I thought it was kind of weird (I would not act that way about another guy, and would feel weird if my bf were speaking to his friends about other girls like that), but whatever, not my relationship. However, finding out they had also cheated with these guys got me really upset.
I know it's not my relationship. I do not wish to impose my boundaries onto them. But when I was cheated on, I felt really unsupported by mine and my bfs mutual friends. At that time I had decided that I could never stand by a friend who would do that to someone who loves them so much. To me, it says I can't trust them. I fully understand this is not a universal viewpoint, and I don't want to force anyone else to share those beliefs, but I don't think they're necessarily wrong?
Well it came out to K, and she absolutely went off on me, calling me a gossip and throwing some painful things in my face. I was absolutely shocked in how she reacted. She also said some really rude things about A (who she has actually been saying nasty things about to me for a while now - I was under the impression they weren't even friends anymore, as that's what she always says... but why would you tell someone you aren't friends with such a personal secret? A has thought they were still friends, if more distant ones, all this time).
We haven't spoken much since, other than small conversation bits in a group setting, because we share the same friend group. I told her I have no intention of "shit talking" her to anyone, and I never intended to tell her bf, but I don't know that she is affording me the same respect... One side of me is mad at myself for even creating this drama, but the other side of me knows its a boundary that is important to me. My boyfriend and her are still friends, and I would never try to make him end the friendship.
I'm not really sure what my question here is anymore.... I guess, am I in the wrong? Should I have just minded my own business? She says its not my place to have an opinion, but I thought it was normal to have opinions on your friends actions? I thought a lot of how we choose our friends is based on shared values? Am I being dramatic and judgemental?
TLDR; friend cheated and I wanted to end friendship. She thinks I'm sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. Am I?
Sorry for the format, typing this on my phone. Also...wall of text incoming.
My brother is getting married in the fall and while I was initially invited to be a groomsman I am no longer going to have that privilege. I need advice on how to grow and learn to navigate conflict better.
The Background: My parents divorced when we were in grade school. My brother and I grew up together in an emotionally abusive household that also had the added stress of split custody. We shared a room for about 20 years and at points have been very close but there have been other significant stretches of time when there was tension between us. Both of our parents were emotionally abusive at points. Me and my brother always agreed not to let our parents get in between us and my brother constantly reminds me of this. I have learned how to have a positive and emotionally healthy relationship with my dad and have reconciled the events in my childhood that I felt he owed me an apology for. My brother hasn't. No judgement, I don't talk to my mom due to some things that she did to me and my wife and son as an adult (and her lack of accountability for her emotional abuse during childhood).
My dad and brother dont speak due to some issues they had when my brother was living with my dad. My dad gave my brother a job at his company but it was only ever meant to be temporary. I warned my brother not to mix business and family, as I've had issues working for my dad in the past. There were arguments about my brother getting tickets on company cars and not paying the tickets, irregular hours and him ultimately getting laid off when business got slow. My brother has trickled-truthed a lot of this info to me, but we again agree not to let our parents have a negative affect on our relationship.
During this time my brother was not asked to pay for food, rent, or any other bill besides gas and the tickets. There was an incident that involved my brothers girlfriend drinking too much (a common theme) and my dad asking her not to handle his $5k camera while drunk. This was the first time she had met my dad's side of the family. They ultimately stopped talking after my brother moved in with his friend (who also lived with his parents). As of today they haven't spoken in 3 years. Henhas cut off the entire family on my dad's side and no one really knows why. He's gone totally to anyone even remotely relatednto my dad with the exception of.me and my sister.
2 years ago my brother got an awesome job. I was really happy for him because he struggled out of high school to be independant and to be financially stable. He soon after met a woman that makes him very happy, has a good career and treats him well. They moved in, fell in love and got a dog.They got engaged earlier this year! I was super excited. My brother called me immediately after and asked me to be a groomsman and I said yes. They also asked me to prepare a brief 2 minute speech, which I happily agreed to do. My dad wasn't invited. That's undertsandable because they haven't reconciled and I didn't invite my Mom to my wedding. I get it, doing my best not to judge.
Here's where I messed up. At MY wedding, my brothers fiance told me she really wanted my dad and brother to reconcile but that my dad hasn't called my brother. It's all she wanted to talk to me about during my reception. Both my brother and his fiance felt that my dad was obligated to reach out. I asked his fiance if i gave my dad her number and my dad reached out to HER if she would put them in contact. They're both known to be super stubborn. She said yes but she emphasized that my dad would have to reach out. This was my first Big Mistake and boy was it a big one; I should never have gotten involved no matter the situation.
Bur I know for a FACT my dad has reached out to my brother.
My dad called him while sitting right next to me. The number was blocked. Thats weird.....my brother responds to my texts and phone calls so I know he has his phone on and I know its working. I confirmed my dad was dialing the right number, right area code etc. So this has to be some kind of mix up. So I text my soon-to-be-sister-in-law and ask her if I could send her number to my dad.
Only I didn't wait to get permission. I got it at my wedding, right? Wrong. Big Mistake #2. Dad called her and asked if she or my brother would be willing to talk to him. He'd been trying to talk to him and couldn't get through and missed him. He wants to hear them out and problem solve.
I then recieved a text back from future sister in law about how extremely innapropriate my actions were, how it was a huge violation of trust and how could I be so stupid to get involved (fair point).
The following evening I get a call from my brother that went like this:
1) Interrogation about what information I was "tricked" into giving my dad about his girlfriend. Did I give him her address or her last name or where she worked or where they lived or her birthday?
2) If I ever breach his trust like this again he would have no option but to cut me out of his life permanently. Zero Tolerance.
3) His fiance, who planning most of the wedding, has serious doubts about my judgement and is considering asking me not to come to the wedding. She feels that I'm too close to my dad and may facilitate him coming to the wedding uninvited.
What I didn't know before this conversation is that they have serious concerns about their safety when it comes to my dad. I don't know why they feel this way and my brother wasnt willing to explain why he feels this way. BUT I respect their feelings. I apologized profusely for my actions and pleaded with my brother not to cut me off. I explained to my brother that I was very confused about the situation and I never knew they felt that my dad was a safety threat. I told my brother that I love him and his fiance very much and am emotionally invested in being a part of their life. I want to have a good relationship with them.
I admitted it was wrong to interfere regardless of my intentions. I agreed to never cross this boundary again. I agreed that I would not breath a word about my brothers wedding to my Dad full stop. I called my brothers fiance because I feel that it was appropriate to apologize to her directly also. She didnt pick up so I left her a message apologizing to her sincerely and asked her to call me back. She didn't, so I waited a week and tried to call her again...no luck.
I've never had issues with my dad being violent. No one I know has ever seen him engage in violence. I've never seen him raise a hand in anger. I dont know why they're so afraid of him. But their reasons are their own and they don't owe me an explanation.
My brother called me today and told me that because of my actions I will not a groomsman (or invited to the rehearsal dinner, or any preparations which sucks because I really wanted to help) and that I will not be speaking as they had asked me to. Me and my wife and son will still be invited. But he has made it clear that his fiance still has serious reservations about me attending. I reassured him that if I attend there wont be any more issues from me.
I love my brother and regret that my actions have led to this.
But here's where I'm struggling: I am a very socially awkward person and don't know how to gracefully navigate these types of situations. It never occured to me that I might have boundary issues and I'm very introverted and insecure and mostly keep to myself. I honestly thought I was helping. My wife feels like I should tell my brother how hurt I am to no longer be included in the wedding and that I should talk about my feelings more. I feel like the best option is to keep my head down during the celebrations and show my brother how happy I am for him by not doing anything that might cause more issues. I don't want to tell him how I feel because its HIS day and my feelings are less important than his big day. I also think I should take a step back from my relationship with my brother after the wedding to reassess my method of interacting with people.
How can I turn this into a life lesson for myself to avoid further embarassment and sadness in my life? Am I wrong to think my brother and fiance might be overreacting a little? Reddit, can you give me some perspective on this?
TLDR; I gave away a phone number that I shouldn't have and got the banhammer at my brothers wedding. How do I move forward?
Edit for further input: Should I even go if I dont feel welcome?
Edit for clarity: The gap between talking to FSIL at my wedding and when I gave out her number was about 8 months.
I tried to make the title as unbiased as possible, but perhaps it is too vague. I will try to be succinct but explanatory.
I am coming out of a large, several day argument with my wife and I am feeling shaken by how different we are in our conflict resolution methodologies. My understanding from her is that if she feels hurt and she believes me to be the cause, I should always immediately show physical affection and I should not speak up for myself if I feel I am not the cause--or if I should, it should really be case-by-case but most of the time I shouldn't, and I should just know when I am allowed to speak up for myself. She says a verbal apology is not wholly necessary, as actions (physical affection) speak to her more than words (verbal apology).
For my part, when I do not feel that I am to blame, or only partly to blame, I listen, acknowledge her feelings, apologize that something I did/didn't do had the result of her being upset, and I try to explain my side in the hopes that she may see that I was not malicious, this was just a misunderstanding, and we can work together on a resolution.
More often than not, I hear from her something along the lines of, "I was hurt first and I am hurt now, therefore you need to solve this. You were not hurt first, you don't have the problem--I do." I really despise this way of thinking because I truly believe that most problems are problems that are between us which we as a team need to solve together--however, she seems to think that all problems are just in one of us and that person needs to resolve the issue. As a result, she despises when I attempt to explain my side and offer resolutions for both sides to make.
Please do not get me wrong: If I am late to dinner and it's really my fault, I won't dare to argue that somehow there's a misunderstanding where I can be excused. I will fully own up to mistakes that I believe are truly mine, and I harbor no illusions that I do not make mistakes which should be apologized for and rectified.
However, if there is a simple misunderstanding or difference of opinion, I believe both sides should be allowed to share their thoughts, opinions, and feelings, with the intention to come to a mutual understanding and a way forward together to resolve the issue where both parties contribute to making a difference.
Admittedly, I quickly get defensive when she speaks about being upset with me and it is very difficult for me to want to show physical affection to someone who is blaming me for something I feel is not my fault. This is something I intend to work on if for no other reason than to soothe her ruffled feathers, as I want her to be happy. But I feel that I am not being granted equal status and that I am being silenced under penalty of a days-long dragged out disagreement.
I have read in some places that even if you do not believe you are wrong, you should apologize fully, such as saying "I am sorry that I hurt you." I do not want to make fauxpologies, but if I do not believe I am completely in the wrong, how can I possibly accept all the blame? Wouldn't that hurt the relationship and my partner's personal growth?
tl;dr I worry that my wife isn't a team player during conflict resolution and wants to stifle my ability to share my side. But I also worry about what I might be doing wrong, especially if my apologies are bad or insufficient.
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. His last significant relationship lasted a few years and ended with her cheating on him with a close friend. Despite all that, they are still friends. They don't talk often to my knowledge but are still friendly to each other. I've never had a problem with this as they were friends for a long time before they started dating. Recently, I've been really happy with our relationship until this happened.
Now for the specific situation: Recently they ran into each other at a bar and she was venting to him about a recent breakup. Her boyfriend had ended up cheating on her and she was, as my boyfriend put it, "traumatized". As I said, it really doesn't bother me that they talk, but apparently she brought up the fact that her and her ex didn't have sex for a long time while they were together and that was a big problem. According to my boyfriend, in an effort to "relate to her", he told his ex that we also don't have sex very often (I have a pretty high drive and his is very low so often he's not interested - which has had a huge effect on my self esteem).
When he told me that he said this, he seemed shocked that it made me upset. Like he genuinely couldn't figure out what the problem was. I immediately told him that it's wildly inappropriate to share details about our sex life to an ex girlfriend and he got defensive. He said it was different because they are friends and I was being "judgemental" of his ex girlfriend by getting upset about this. He was drunk when we were arguing about this so I decided to drop it at that time.
I brought it up again recently because I really thought I could help him understand why it's so not okay to talk about that with her. And how hurtful it was that he would rather defend her than hear me out. He seemed to just claim to understand so I would stop talking about it.
Am I overreacting? Is this more of a red flag than I'm allowing myself to believe?
TLDR: My boyfriend shared details about our sex life(or lack thereof) with his ex and doesn't understand why it bothers me.
So, long story short I moved to a new city a year and a half or so ago, met this guy, started dating. 6 months later I needed a place to stay and around the same time he had to move out of his roommate's place. We decided, mostly out of convenience, to live together.
I'm considering breaking up with him now, for reasons that I think are beyond the scope of this post, but since we live together that complicates things a bit. I paid for the deposit that got us the apartment, I bought most of if not all of the furniture and other things that we share, but we pay the rent 50/50 now.
I know the right thing to do when breaking up with someone you live in is for the person doing the break up to move out. But in this situation I see a few different options, which aren't particularly good for anyone.
Considering we pay the rent 50/50, we both have an equal "claim" to the apartment.
If I made him move out, I'd feel really bad as that would be really unfair. I know he would have somewhere to stay but I'd still not feel good about it.
If I move out and take the things that I bought, I'd be leaving him without most of the furniture and items.
If I leave the furniture, I'd be leaving behind some essential items that I paid for and would need in a new apartment.
None of those options feels great, and I'm not sure how to move on from here.
TL;DR: Moved in with someone, with me providing most of the money we needed to do so, want to breakup and not sure what the right thing to do is.
Edit: Thanks for all the replies guys! To clarify, both our names are on the lease, and while I paid for everything, we picked out everything and made the decisions together.
Throwaway as my boyfriend reddits.
I’ll clarify this now as my title is kind of misleading - when I say ‘called out’, I mean privately to my boyfriend, I have not contacted his friend at all about the situation.
I’ll give a run down of the events. For ease, my boyfriend can be called ‘Scott’. I’ve been dating Scott for nearly 2 years, and we are currently in an LDR. Scott’s friend is ‘Harry’. Scott and Harry have been friends since school, so for about 10 years. They both went off to university, and Scott returned home a year ago, while Harry lives about 20 miles away in his university city. They still consider each other their best friend, and have kept a close relationship.
Last night Harry was at a conference in the next city over from Scott. He invited Scott out for a night of drinking, which Scott was excited about, however the last train back (the only way to get home) was at a certain hour. Scott asked Harry if he should be aiming for that time, and Harry said that it would be fine for Scott to stay in his hotel room, so they could stay out later.
It’s get to 4am, hours after the last train, and they are both walking back to Harry’s hotel. Neither of them was anything more than comfortably tipsy, definitely not full-on drunk. They get to the door of the hotel (one of these were after a certain hour it can only be unlocked by guests with keys), Harry unlocks it with his keycard, says goodnight to Scott and shuts the door behind him, locking Scott out. Scott tried ringing Harry’s mobile but Harry had turned his phone off, and he was eventually asked to move on by a security guard who had seen that Scott wasn’t a guest of the hotel. He eventually decided to sleep outside the train station until the first train home 4 hours later, though he got no sleep as he was cold and wary of his surroundings.
Scott told me all of this this morning. I was both upset at the fact that Scott had be forced to sleep outside and annoyed that Harry had gone back on his word for no reason. I told Scott this, calling Harry a shitty friend, and Scott exploded at me. He said that I had no idea what Harry had done for him in the past, and I was being a controlling b*tch who was trying to cut him off from his friends. That is definitely not true - up until this moment I have always said that his friends are wonderful, and I love being around them, Harry included. I replied saying that I would talk to him when he wasn’t attacking me; I haven’t had a reply in hours.
Should I not have voiced my opinion? I am willing to apologise to Scott, and maybe even Harry, if I am in the wrong, but I thought that I was in a relationship where I could share my own view without being criticised.
TL;DR - Boyfriend said that I was being controlling after saying that the actions of a friend who left him abandoned in a visiting city were crappy, was I wrong?
Me and my girlfriend have an apartment and are in a generally happy year-old relationship. We've both agree need our alone time, which is much more pleasant and rich for us if spent at home. But that is often impractical, as it means one needs to find excuses to leave the flat - which can be tiring and uncomfortable.
We can't be the only couple like this.
How can we create and manage alone time effectively?
What works for you/others?
TL;DR happy relationship, need to find space to be alone
My current SO and I have had a wonderful relationship of over a year now. We had been talking for about two years but I was not in a position to be in a relationship.
When I was 16 I dated someone who was about 3 years older, he was the love of my life. My best friend. He died shortly after I turned 19 (he was 22 at the time). His death was very random and literally wrecked me.
I met my current SO a year later as a friend, and we became more than friends a year after that. He’s a GREAT guy, one my late boyfriend would approve of. Very caring and loving (or so I thought?).
Anyways, SO and I are at the point where we’re moving in together. It’s a very exciting time. He was over yesterday helping me pack up my room at my parents house.
I reached for a moose stuffed animal that I always have had on my bed, and he sighed loudly and started telling me that I shouldn’t have a stuffed animal given to me by an ex anymore and that it would “not be welcomed in our apartment”.
I was shocked at first, because this stuff animal was given to me by my late boyfriend of three years. I don’t necessarily “cuddle” with it every night. I do have it with me in my room and honestly planned just putting it on a shelf in our apartment. It’s a good memory.
I tried explaining what I just said to him, and tried being reasonable. He grew very angry and told me it’s “me or the stuffed animal”.
I told him to leave so he could calm down, because that is a ridiculous ultimatum to have to choose between a literal stuffed animal, and a person.
After that I got a wave of texts saying I’m “still not over my dead ex” and that he “wasn’t even that great of a boyfriend”. A lot of very demeaning texts that disrespect me for having a sentimental object.
This is also our first major fight. So I’ve never see this side of him before.
I have no idea what to do now. I was suppose to move into his apartment tomorrow and we’ve barely talked. He’s now apologizing and leaving messages of him crying on my phone. But I have no clue what to do. I’m pretty emotionally numb right now. Any advice would be appreciated.
I can answer questions in comments if needed
TLDR: My current SO got upset that I was packing (moving in together) a stuffed animal that my late boyfriend gave to me. He started being rude to me, demanded to choose him or the stuffed animal. He sent more mean texts but now is being very apologetic. What should I do? How do I handle this?
So it’s been almost a year since I broke up with my ex. We were planning our lives together but he cheated on me and got the other girl pregnant. I ended things and he didn’t take it well. I had to change my phone number and delete all my social media and create new accounts (Facebook, Twitter and Instagram) and email because he just wouldn’t stop reaching out and blame me for everything and pointing how he loved me but it was all my fault, that he messed up because he was mad at me because I found out about his double life. He always said he wanted to get his shit together until I moved in with him. (Why couldn’t he do it when I asked? Why wait for me to move in)
It’s been 6 months since I last heard from him and he has now found a way to reached out again and he’s basically saying how I underestimated what happened, how I never believed all the dreams he had for us and how he got tired of me not believing he loved me. ( Hahaha how could I...I mean he said he loved me but his actions did not match his words) that he’s sorry.
WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE HIM STOP REACHING OUT?
I’ve tried everything! I’ve ignored him, changed my social media accounts, I even moved! I don’t understand what he wants or he expects me to do. Need some advice here Reddit’s!
tl;dr: My ex (M31) reached out a year later still blaming me for everything and won’t leave me alone (F30). Help! Advise needed.
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