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160
Comments are lockedStickied postModerator of r/tifu

r/TIFU is a community with over 13k thousands amazing subscribers! Are up for the challenge of fucking up as a moderator? Then go ahead and apply!

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Applications Closed -- Thanks for applying!


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E1: Re-announced due to automod doing its thing replacing announcements.

E2: Closed app's, updated next step.

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I’m currently sitting in the airport with my flight leaving in 30 minutes.

I was scheduled to fly out of Oklahoma City today, to Germany, to visit my family for two weeks before returning. I had an extremely busy week trying to get my leave sorted because I had a new commander come into my squadron (I’m Air Force). Despite the busy week, I had been packed and ready to go, or so I thought.

I wake up this morning, packed and ready to go, get breakfast, in an extremely good mood. Got in my car and drove 2 hours to OKC. I had a bad feeling I was forgetting something, but I figured it’s my typical anxiety about leaving my door unlocked which it always wasn’t. I talk with my parents on the phone about how excited we both were because it’s been a year since we’ve seen each other. I only get to see them once a year, so we were pretty hype.

Come to the arrival to the airport. I had a bad feeling still, until it hits me. I left my passport at home, two hours away. I held it together in the Uber, but as soon as I got into the airport I broke down and cried a bit. Cause I just missed an overseas flight.

TLDR: I thought I was packed for an overseas flight to Germany. Passport is sitting at home 2 hours away.

Update: managed to find a flight tomorrow morning, costs a little extra but that’s fine. I’ll make sure not to fuck up again.

567

-This happened a month ago. But seeing that this is the last night I will spend in this house before moving in the morning, I feel like I want you all to laugh and cringe with me.-

Backstory: I am 22 and have been living with my parents through college. I got accepted into my top choice for graduate school and will be moving in the morning (yay!)

The setting: My neighborhood is surrounded by woods, quite beautiful actually. It's a low crime area and I'll miss living in my wooded childhood home. However, there have been cases through my childhood of attempted break-ins due to the low visibility/low traffic of the main road. Thankfully never on my house but my neighbors next door have been broken into twice.

The morning: I had my alarm set for 9, I was pumped to sleep in. It may have actually been one of the first mornings after commencement. So I opened my phone in bed and remained cozy for a bit. I heard a sound, it sounded like a muffled bang. I didn't think much of it. Then I head what sounded like footsteps. My door was closed. I thought it was odd that my mom or dad would be home. They had both taken the previous day off work to attend a university awards thing for me, so I thought maybe mom had stayed home to get breakfast with me or something. I continued to play on my phone.

The footsteps sounded.... weird. Very slow, it almost sounded like someone was trying to be quiet. I do remember thinking it was weird mom would try to be quiet. Maybe mom didn't want to wake me. I got out of bed, stretched, looked out the window.... that's when it hit me: my parents cars were not in the driveway.

Instantly I froze. I will never forget the emotions I felt in the next seconds. Truly,it was traumatizing and I have had restless nights since that morning. Anyways, I remember making a decision. I quietly put pants on. I was trying actually not to scream. I remember making myself hold my breath so I wouldn't scream. I was so scared in that moment I didn't know what sound would come out. I could still hear footsteps literally creeping in the living room.

Our family "action plan" in case of emergencies since I was a child was for me to break the window nearest my bed and climb out and run to the neighbors house.

I crept as quietly as I could to the window, my nightstand is quite large and heavy and I was shaking so hard and trying to be so quiet... I finally said fuck it and pushed it over. In one movement I opened the window and broke the metal frame off the screen. At this point I was terrified that whoever was in the house was right behind me. I had made a RACKET.

I jumped out of the window and ran (literally for my life) across the yard braless (no worries I had a shirt on lol) and barefoot. It was the first time in my life that I have felt actual terror.

Thankfully my neighbor, a stay at home mom, was home. Also, the neighbor whose own house has previously been broken into twice. I actually ran right into her house. I explained the situation and she made me sit down and brought me a glass of water, bless her.

I called mom, asking if she or dad were home. She said no and to call the cops NOW. She knows me well and from the sound of my voice she apparently dropped everything at work and got in her car to get to me.

I call 911, and try calmly to explain to the operator. He asks if I'm hurt, have you seen the person... ect.

The cops come, literally 4 cop cars on my suburban street. One neighbor comes running from his yard where he had been doing yard work and another neighbor comes to the house I'm in to keep me comforted. My poor neighbors witnessed me bolt from my bedroom window and they themselves were extremely spooked.

One cop comes to get me and we stand in my driveway waiting for all cops to leave the house. I'm standing there, on a midwestern May morning, in athletic shorts and braless in an oversized tshirt... with 4 cops in my driveway and all looked way underwhelmed. I knew the verdict and I felt like a dumbass. Ya ever wanted to shrivel up way small in an awkward situation? Yep.

All 4 cops did a complete sweep of the house, hands on their guns and everything, even the crawlspace of the garage. I'm standing in the driveway crying as mom pulls up. Two cops leave and two stay.

Calmly and sympathetically, I'm told that there was no one in the house. Both cops praised me for doing the right thing and it is why they are there, even in false alarms.

But that sound, I couldn't get that sound of creeping footsteps out of my head. What was it? I almost thought that the serial killer was still in the house hiding, I didn't want to go back in. Those footsteps were SO obvious. Clearly the cops were wrong!

Nope, they were right. They take mom and I into the house and lead us to the living room. There, we see what I heard.

Our basset hound, Walter, is a little shit. On this particular morning, mom decided to leave Walter out of his pen. Walter decided to have had it at the carpet. He tore up pieces of carpet right from the floorboard.

The rhythmic tugging motion of a 60 lb. dog ripping up carpet mimicked the exact sound of footsteps. The small bang I heard was him bumping into a dining room chair.

I was mortified and apologized profusely.

The cops told me to take the morning and try to relax. They left and mom stayed for a couple minutes and gave me a big hug before she went back to work.

I sat in silence and played on my phone for two hours as I tried to bring my heart rate down. I can't describe how traumatic that experience had been lol. Walter took a nap all innocently.

Dad came home later that day after work and shared a beer with me, saying he doesn't care about the busted screen on the window or the 911 call. He told me he was thankful and relieved that even at 22, the emergency plan he drilled into my head as a child worked. More hugs were given and neighbors were told the story and were relieved that I was safe.

As we were packing up the U-Haul today, the busted screen was sitting in the garage. I gave it a little pat, like a "thank you for sitting on tight for the past 22 years bud, sorry I broke you in half."

(Walter is now put in his pen when we leave the house to prevent any more carpet eating. We invested and got him plenty of fun and durable new toys to entice him to choose those over textiles. Also, my parents can now put in new carpet like they've wanted to!)

TL;DR I broke my window open to escape what I thought was a serial killer. Cops were called and I scared the hell out of my neighbors. Turns out, my hound dog really enjoys eating textiles.

Edit: here is a picture of the perpetrator of the scary noise on his first birthday recently. http://imgur.com/J9VU70i

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Reddit,following story happened when I was 23, but boy, did I fucked up. We lived in our first appartment, on the 3rd floor. It was a building with 7 flats. My boyfriend was abroad. I smoked some 420, lit some candles in the kitchen/dinner room and my bedroom (I am crazy for candles). I went in the bedroom, read a book and fell asleep. Our dog was in the dinner room. I woke up from scratching noises at the door, the dog barked. I opened one eye, saw light coming from under the door. I said to myself:'how weird, I didn't leave on the light there'. I opened the door. I was still groggy from sleep, but boy I was wide awake in a second. The dinner room was a sea of fire, flames licking all the walls and ceiling. We had a heating with propane in that room. I had to cross the full room to get out of the flat. So much smoke. I had a feeling' if you don't move your ass now you will die in here' I ran and opened the door for the dog, I heard him running down stairs. I was in panic mode, opening taps, throwing buckets of water everywhere. I was able to put out some fire and evitate the heating exploded. There was so so much smoke. Flames got out of the door, going to the flat in front of us. Our bedroom was on fire too. I heard the sirens of firebrigade. I got out of the flat, fire everywhere. Just the ground floor didn't get burned, but all the building was black. It looked like acolypse had happened. Firebrigade arrived, I told them I went to call my mom and boyfriend at the phonebox in front of the house. I was on the phone with my boyfriend, who tought I was joking. Cops arrived. I said: gotta go, cops are here. I tought they just passed on a round. After I found out our neighbours called them. I was in shock, shaking, all black, and couldn't breathe (I have asthma). They cuffed me and put me in the car. On the way to the station they made fun of me cause my face and arms were all black and I had burns on my hands. They put me couple of hoursin a cell, took me out of it for questioning. They tought I was a pyroman. I found it hilarious (I was in shock) cause we even didn't have fire insurance. After a while, they let me out. The day after, in the newspaper, the press wrote a bullshit story about this young couple that had been cut off electricity, and had a lot of candles lit for heating. My name was mentionned and all my family had read it. I went to the hospital to have my lungs checked. In the end, ourflat burned out completely, and the 2 other flats on ourfloorhad fire damage. Rest of the building was completely black.We had lost our belongings, and for 6 months we were homeless. Everybody keeps mentioning this story. But I never had candles again in my house. TL;DR: TIFU by accidentally burning down half appartment building, cops tought I was a pyroman and arrested me. I even didn't have fire insurance and we stayed homeless for 6 months.

18

I was travelling from one city to another by bus and was beginning to feel ill, like I was going to vomit or shit myself. So I asked the driver to pull over to the side of the motorway. He mumbled something in his broken English but I didn't register what he had said. He finally managed to pull over and I scampered into the bushes, relieved myself and wiped, using unsuitable sized leaves.

Ten minutes later I returned to the bus keeping my head down and retreated to my seat, fully aware my clean up job was sub par and people sitting nearby may get a faint whiff. A lady in front of me wanders down to the back of the bus, she flushes and returns to her seat. Turns out there was a toilet at the back of the bus the whole time.

TL/DR made bus pull over to poo without realising the bus had a toilet :/

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Obligatory, this happened not today but like 4-5 years ago.

So this was a normal day at school, well they more like some extra classes but i considered them to be school, and because they weren't "official" classes they were being held at a church. We never minded it, it just meant that we had smaller classrooms. normally we would get there around 9:00am and have a bunch of classes until 12 then we have a lunch a break for an hour, and we finish off at around 4. well during our lunch hour we would normally play some music, eat, maybe play some games. considering we were like 11-12 at the time we were kind of... stupid. we do some stupid shit like climbing on things that clearly were unsafe, and my friends going as far as to eating random berries off some bushes.

Well back then I was kind of impressionable. I did some stupid stuff because of peer pressure, too much to include in one TIFU, but for example I would be made fun of because of how smaller I was compared to some other kids then I would do anything to try and prove myself to them. It was really quite unhealthy. but I was glad to be included with my "friends".

so this same day we digging around in some bushes, I think because we were playing hide n seek but I honestly can't remember, and in my particular bush I see a small cylinder with a sharp looking tip. As soon as I pull it out of the bush my friends rush over to me to see what I'm looking at, once they see what it is, one of them tries to swipe it out of my hand but I pull away just a little bit quicker than he was. he tells me to let him see it. I tell him we should talk to the parents and teachers because we don't know what it could be. before I could get another word out someone swipes it out of my hand from behind and they all swarm around him to see what it is.

for some context as to how the needle got there, well remember how I said that our classes were being held at a church, well apparently they hold events to house and feed homeless people for a night. A pretty innocent cause, except for the fact that in this area most of the homeless people are crazy drug addicts. So after the church holds one of their events for homeless people (who are sometimes drug addicts) you can probably guess how a "magical" needle appeared there.

So here comes the fuck up. I didn't tell the parents about the needle, Instead I followed it around so I could actually show the teachers the needle instead of having it leave my sight with these idiots. so I go and follow my friends around constantly suggesting to turn it in, and one of my friends ends up with the needle (we can call him Brian) and he ends up joking about shooting him self up with the needle and going as far as to actually push it against his arm.

before this I convinced someone else to try and stop this chaos and just show the teachers.

well someone wants to try and take the needle from Brian (we can call this person Jared) but Brian stops Jared before he can. Well how does he stop him? He decides to threaten to stab Jared with the broken tip of the needle, doing some jousting/thrusting motion. I'm immediately worried, because I know both Brian and Jared are idiots, so I decide to intervene. But right when I'm about to intervene I see Jared rush Brian, and Brian actually STABS Jared in the hand. Now we have a problem (in case anybody hadn't realized that we had one already). So I decide that now would be the appropriate time to contact the teachers/parents.

I get the parent's attention and tell them what happened. The blame promptly falls on me because I found the needle. Jared starts saying that he feels sick and he ended going to the hospital and he had to get scheduled blood tests for like 3 months.

TL;DR: Found a heroin needle, didn't tell teachers, some kid got stabbed and went to the hospital because I got peer pressured into not telling teachers.

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Didn't happen today but a few years ago when I was 12-13 or so. My mother recently baked an apple cake and it was resting on top of the stove, under two of the burners. I was going about my day and decided I wanted some tea, so I put the kettle on and turned on the burner - we have simple switches to do this. I then sat down and began reading as I waited for it to boil, but instead of the steady whistling of the kettle I heard a loud bang and shattering of glass. I'd turned on the wrong burner and the heat was high enough to make it go boom. My Mom was at work at the time, and my sister called and informed her of the incident. She was apparently quite angry but luckily for me, the time in between allowed her to no longer be mad at me. She mostly just said "You could've died!"

My family still jokes about it to this day despite the fact it's not funny.

TL;DR I wanted to make tea but accidentally turned on the wrong burner and blew up my Mom's apple cake.

12

This happened yesterday. No one in my family is around for numerous reasons, so I have the house to myself for the weekend. It was about 4:30, and I was just walking around the house thinking about my plan to play tennis once the sun went down a bit more, so I was in a pretty good mood because of that (I love playing tennis).

As I’m thinking about that, I hear the theme song on the tv. Joey Fatone introduces Steve Harvey and I raise my arms in triumph. Now this day is just freaking great. What better way to celebrate it than to dance?

I start to do a dance reminiscent of Buddy the Elf in the mailing room scene. I had my arms crossed on top of each other in front of me, and I was jumping, kicking one leg out, landing on one foot, and kicking the other leg out while bringing the other one down. All while rotating slowly so every 5-6 turns I’ve made a full rotation.

After maybe 30 seconds of dancing like an idiot, I come down on my right foot just like I had several times already. But this time, it just gave out. I still don’t know what happened, my foot just decided it didn’t want to support me that time. I landed hard on my back and yelled in pain as my ankle started hurting badly. I don’t remember much about this part, just yelling and writhing for a good 5 minutes while my anxious dog came over and gave me some comfort kisses (props to you, Roxy).

Within minutes, my ankle ballooned up and became about the size of a tennis ball. It is most definitely sprained. I work today, and my job involves ice skating. Ironically, I also had to cancel my tennis plans.

TL;DR: Was excited for Family Feud, danced like Buddy the Elf, sprained my ankle, have to ice skate today.

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Backstory: I've been working in a snow cone shack for around 4.5 years. Normally my customers are really chill and fun, so I was having a great day yesterday until this one couple came up to the window. They were not having it at all, swearing at me and telling me how poor of a job I was doing. Now, I'm normally a pretty chill dude, so I handled them to the best of my abilities and didn't do anything I would regret with them, but after they left I was really worked up. Anyways, the next customer comes up to the window and orders a large Tiger's Blood (essentially it's strawberry mixed with vanilla). Now the thing to know about my companies Tiger's Blood is that it stains EVERYTHING. I mean if you get this stuff on your shirt, it's not coming off. So I make the guy's snow cone and turn to give it to him, but I trip on my dumb shoelace. Like a freaking movie, the snow cone flies out of my hands, through the open window, and nails the dude right in the middle of the chest. Basically already having a horrible day, I break down and have to calm down outside for a few minutes while my co-worker helps the dude out and makes him a new (free) snow cone. Luckily he was really chill about the whole thing and my boss even laughed it off.

TL;DR I tripped while carrying a snow cone and threw it right onto a customer's chest.

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So this happened about a week ago and I'm still trying to process the whole situation. This story is pretty lengthy (and probably not as dramatic by international standards), so please bear with me (a metric system user).

A little background:

I'm a qualified chemical engineer by profession and am currently in operations. This means that I work 12 hour shifts most of the time with stand-by duty and all the works. So, it's pretty clear that I don't have much time for recreation. Once I did get some time off, though, I decided to catch up with one of my few friends that were still around after varsity. She, let's call her Sam, is in the same industry as I am, but with a different company, and she was especially curious on any openings we might have. We organized a nice chat at a well-known pizza joint with an open and casual setting. Time goes by and the day arrives...

That fateful day:

On my way to the restaurant I was thinking about how nice it would be if she were to invite her friends, which happen to be old friends of mine, or her boyfriend along on this casual outing. The more the merrier, right? When I got there, though, the first warning sign in my constantly observing and calculating brain went up: She was alone. I wasn't completely taken aback, because I knew her more conservative boyfriend didn't like her having guy friends and she hung out with her other friends just two days before. Half-convinced I have nothing to worry about, we chatted like good friends about work, friends, life... She was chattier than usual, though, and occasionally talked right over me. It was shrugged off as "We haven't seen each other in ages". We did have a lot to talk about, so meh. After pizza and wine, she was pretty keen to go out and have a great time (semi-warning sign, since it's just the 2 of us).

Next thing we're in a cozy bar that is a little upmarket to what we were used to as students. It's on the second floor in an upmarket area with a good view of the busy tourism area it is situated in. We get a few beers and take our seats at the end of a counter that looks over the street. She smokes, so it's ideal for the both of us. Here comes a mirriad of warning signs. She insists that I sit close to her and keeps talking about how, now that she's off the pill (due to chronic headaches - take note, sufferers), her sex-drive is through the roof and how keen she is to just let go and experiment. She also mentioned how wonderful it would be if we worked together and moved into the same apartment - basically planning our lives together? Otherwise, as we were talking, she consistently grabbed my hands or legs when she had something exciting to tell and even threw a crotch-glare from time to time. Red flags everywhere. Alarms ringing. I chose to occasionally divert the topic of conversation to something more serious/sombre to kill the mood. You know, mortality, phylosophies to live by, etc. She frequently told me that I overthink things and here's my first mistake: I took it to heart. Maybe I do overthink from time to time, but allowing other people to think for me has landed me in more trouble than otherwise. With the bar eventually emptying, we decided to call it a night. She took me to my car (she was parked closer) and that's where shit hit the fan.

We stood outside in a dark and desolate street where my car was parked. I thanked her for a nice evening and that it was good to catch up for once. We hugged goodbye and as I released, I noticed that she was holding on for more. It was at that moment I prayed "Please, God, no!" at least a few times before saying "So, yeah, I'll see you around". It was at that moment she looked up and went for the kill. As much as my better self was saying "!!!", the compromising message of "You overthink things" took the better of me. What she said had hit far too close to home. In my tiny and uncomfortable car, things got steamy and eventually got to the point where she went home yearning for more. We parted. Me, disappointed. In myself. This was not who I was. It never has been nor will I ever allow it to be.

Denouement:

Needless to say, things quickly became complicated. She wanted to stay friends, but wanted more at the same time. I opted out of the friendship. She lost her job the following week. I felt devestated for her situation. It wrecked her, but I stuck with my decision.

TLDR: Went out with a friend to catch up. Turned out she had alterior motives. Decided to go with it. Ended up with one less friend and a world of disappointment.

[If this wasn't as juicy as you expected, I at least hope it was a good read]

12

So a couple of days ago some close family friends came over for dinner and what not. My family is quite close with theirs so we often catch up. They have a son who is an early teenager and then myself (18). Anyway towards the end of the night me and him decided to who have kinda like a play wrestle fight type of thing (not a serious fight just a friends type of thing). We'd been wrestling for about 5 minutes and eventually a crowd starts to gather (both families). Everyones kinda just stood around watching me and this 12 year old wrestle. Now obviously from the age difference i was going easy not wanting to hurt each other. Until he catches me off guard and gets me in a choke hold. Obviously it was kinda hurting me but me being the idiot i am i didnt tap out. Instead i slowly rolled (whilst he was choking me on top) and caused his face to smash into our hardwood floors. Suddenly the room goes silent he pops up looking fine except for a chunk of his tooth missing. I jerk my head to the side and see half a tooth on the floor. For the rest of the night his parents resent me and something tells me ill never have a relationship with them again.

EDIT: rest of the night was spent listening to the parents of the kid lecture him on how when he gets it fixed he is not going to be able to eat anything hard or cold, all whilst making passive aggressive comments to me. He looks crushed that he will never have his front half of his tooth again. Eventually i couldnt take anymore so I just retreated to my room. Oh and i forgot to mention i see this kid a couple times a week so its not just like i can forget about it.

Tldr: was play wrestling with a family friend and accidentally rolled his face into my hardwood floor causing him to chip his front tooth, parents will probably never talk to me again.

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So this happened early last week. I was at work just going about my business on my desktop when I receive a chat message from a coworker asking if I wanted to go out for a drink after work. Being the funny friend I try wayyyy too hard to be, I wanted to answer his question with a meme from Office Space where the main character's gruff construction worker friend, Lawrence, says "Fuckin-A, man", to show I do indeed want to go. So I went onto Google to search for an image that I could copy and paste into the chat box.

However...I didn't think this part through. I never realized that typing in "fucking a man" into my work's Google search function would set off some alarms with our IT department. Well once I did I started looking through the Google images and I began to realize that "1+1=I'm looking at gay pornography online at work". So I quickly exit out of my browser when I realize this and pray to God no one caught wind.

You can imagine at this point it was pretty awkward that I get an email from IT with my boss attached, scheduling a meeting for "Internet Usage". Thank God I'm fairly close with my boss so I was able to explain the situation clearly and show them that I did not in fact try to get my rocks off at work to some weird shit. The IT manager was still a little wary so I had to go along with a write-up...

TL;DR: Wanted to send a friend an Office Space meme thru work's chat feature. Googled gay porn instead. Got written up.

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My girlfriend and I went to Too Many Games at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center. As we were walking into a big crowd of people, I noticed a guy just standing there with his hand out. I know it's common for people to do the whole "free hugs/high fives" thing so my assumption was he was doing that. I went over to him, slapped his hand as hard as I could, and screamed "YEAH" . The guy and I share a laugh until I turn around to see my girlfriend staring at me with digust. When I asked her what's wrong she said "that guy was blocking people from walking over the person who had just fainted. " Only for me to realize there really was a person on the ground right behind him.

"This is what I get for trying to interact with people" I said to myself. But it didn't stop there.

As the day went on we met up with a few of our friends. We told them the story and all laughed about it. We later found out the person on the ground was actually Chris-chan the creator of Sonichu. However, Chris-chan didn't faint. Apparently Chris-chan was charging people for selfies with them and then telling those people they had to make out with them after taking the picture and allegedly groping them. Chris-chan was being escorted out when they started to cause a scene and dropped to the ground.

I'm not entirely sure how accurate the whole allegations part was as that's just what we were hearing but let me tell you how much better I felt about high giving that guy.

TL;DR: a guy was holding his hands out to block a person who appaeared to have fainted and I high fived him being as extra as possible without realizing

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So as always this happend a couple of years ago. I was a junior in high school at the time. Well anyways I'm at lunch one day joking around with some friends at lunch time. Now usually I can say some pretty fucked up shit and the table tended to get loud from time to time. The principal, who's table is exceptionally close to ours, having heard some of my jokes from a few teachers knows my humor so he can usually guess who told a joke if he heard it. So he looks over at me and calls me over after a few minutes one day and I was a little worried I'd might be in trouble. Well I get over to the principals table and expect to get a talking to. But to my surprise he asks me to do him a favor, so I was like "sure man" me being relieved. He informs me that he needs me to go out to his truck and grab his toolbox out the backseat under one of the seats. I quickly try to remember what he tells me and head off to so his favor.

So here's where I mess up, he definitely told me which side of the car to look(passenger) but I go into the side of the car I see first and had completely forgot. I grab the small square shaped box and head back into the school feeling accomplished. So I walk back into the cafeteria and hold up the 'toolbox' like "this it?" and his face goes from laughter to pure anger and says something like "no you crazy ass kid, no get that out of here right now, shoo". Me being incredibly confused, I decided to just walk back slowly and make my exit... He comes out not to long after and shows me the logo on the case and telling me it's a gunmakers case and whatnot. So I feel pretty stupid at this point and apologize profusely but he tells me to go back to lunch. When I get in the cafeteria once more all the teachers/coaches at the principals table are in tears laughing at me while I go sit down. Everyone is looking at me and my friends ask me what just happened. I tell them laughing myself trying to play off my stupidity that "I got mixed up and accidentally brought the principals handgun into school..." We all laugh but inside I was mortified at what I had just done, from then on out whenever I was asked to do anything by a teacher or the principal whom knew of the incident I'd lightheartedly remind them of my failure and listen as best I could.

TL;DR I got confused by my principals directions when doing a favor for him and ended up bringing his handgun into school. Felt like an idiot and had to live with that for 2 years.

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So this happened the first day of winter break during 8th grade (a Thursday night), I had just turned 14 the previous month.

My boyfriend Fred, my best friend Kristen, and boyfriend’s friend Bob (obviously all fake names), decided that the first night of winter break would be the perfect time to sneak out and get drunk together. We had done this once previously, a couple weeks earlier, and had gotten away with it, so we figured we could totally do it again without consequences.

Kristen and I snuck out her window a little after midnight once we could hear her dad’s snoring, and then walked to our middle school where we met Fred and Bob. They had brought Jack Daniels and Bacardi dragonberry rum, along with some gatorade for chasers. Delicious. As a 14 year old, around 5’6” and less than 120lbs, after roughly 8 shots it is easy to see why I blacked out almost immediately after that last shot. The last thing I remember before waking up in the hospital was looking up at the stars, leaning backward to get a better view of them and then smacking my head on the concrete below me. All of the events after that were relayed to me by Kristen, Fred, the police and my parents.

After awhile of hanging out at the middle school, my three friends decided to take me to a nearby apartment complex, to sneak into their hot tub (the gate was known to not actually lock), to try to sober me up. I know what you are thinking, “why on earth would they put you in a hot tub to sober you up? wouldn’t they know that if anything that will do the opposite?”. No, no they did not know that. We were drunk children, so excuse our continued poor judgement.

I was wearing a bikini under my clothing, as I expected we would eventually go to the hot tub. So they stripped me down and Fred and Bob got in with me, helping to hold me up so that I wouldn’t drown (thanks guys). Kristen was sitting on a bench next to the hot tub in a big jacket and with her hair up. Someone that actually lived in the apartment building called the police soon after we arrived because they saw a mostly naked semiconscious girl in a hot tub with three men.

When the cops showed up we were still in the hot tub, so the EMTs pulled me out of the hot tub by my arms, since I was semi-conscious, but I decided to go limp to be uncooperative, so my head fell back again, slamming against the concrete for the second time that night.

When my parents arrived at the hospital, they saw their youngest child on a hospital bed covered in her own vomit, in only a bikini, tied to the bed. [My dad took a picture of me like this, but a week or two later I deleted it out of embarrassment. Now I really wish I had that photo!] My mom, horrified that I was restrained, immediately asked the doctor to untie me, but he said that they could not do that, as it turns out I am a very violent drunk person. I had been punching and kicking the EMTs and ripped out my IV for the banana bag twice, before they decided to strap me to the bed. She asked for a blanket or something to cover me with (because ya know, still an unconscious child in a bikini), and got this scratchy grey hospital blanket that they let us keep… for $75 on the later hospital bill.

Once I was released from the hospital, my parents drove me home. One of the few flashes of memory I have is when my mom was helping me into the car, she said something like “what were you thinking, you could have died!” and I seriously replied “I wish I had”. I then shat my pants while on the way home and my amazing mother helped clean shit off of her very drunk and uncooperative daughter, at nearly 5 in the morning, before going to work at 7. I woke up around noon that day, still feeling a little tipsy, in my own bed which was hugely disorienting, as I was supposed to be at Kristen’s.

We later had to return to the police station to pick up my cell phone (which they’d taken to call my parents). The officer that gave me my phone back looked me dead in the eye and said, “You know, if your friend had taken you home with her last night and put you to bed, she would have woken up next to a dead body this morning.” While I’d really like to think that that officer was just exaggerating to scare me, but my BAC when I got to the hospital was .297, which is pretty damn high for a 14 year old. Feeling super guilty, I wrote a letter to the person who called 911 to thank them for potentially saving my life, but I’ll never know if they actually received it...

Ended up very grounded for all of winter break, on probation through the juvenile prevention program, and had to write many essays and do community service.

TL;DR: snuck out to get drunk w/ friends in middle school, drank way too much, ended up in the hospital with serious alcohol poisoning, and punched/kicked several of my EMTs and doctors along the way, until they decided to restrain me. Also shat my pants on the way home.

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This is a bit long, but it's worth it. Freshman year of high school. 3rd trimester. I had just recently befriended the most popular kid in our grade (we'll call him Austin) due to arranged seating in a computer course. The guy is hilarious and almost right away he realizes I'm not weird and I realize he's not a dick. High school politics am I right? Anyway, through him I end up befriending another guy (we'll call him Chris). Now I'm friends with these guys, but at the time of the story only have been for about 2 months, meanwhile they've been best friends practically since they could walk. Anyway a few weeks before summer break and Austin invites me over to his house to fuck around on his moped, play gta4 etc. A couple hours goes by and we decide to see if Chris is home yet. He lives maybe 15 minutes away from Austin in this development. Knock on the door, no answer. No cars in the driveway. Obviously still out with his parents doing whatever it is they were doing. Austin has an idea to pull some kind of prank on Chris for him to find when he gets home. Not sure what we wanted to do but something simple to get a laugh. I follow his lead because 1. He's the popular guy and I'm not about to pussy out of whatever it is 2. He's Chris' best friend so he has a pretty wide spectrum of what's acceptable. What we did was under NO circumstances acceptable. We walk around the house, give a quick belly rub to his dog (white lab) and walk up to the sliding glass door, which as Austin predicted, was open. Walk up to his room and start brainstorming on what to do. Put his underwear on his bed? Put toothpaste in his shampoo? You get the idea, just dumb shit two 15 year olds would think is funny. Nothing sticks so we walk back downstairs to the living room to see if we might gain some inspiration. That inspiration came in the form of that white lab, eagerly looking through the fog of his own breath on the sliding glass door. "Austin! What if we like, put some dog poop under his pillow??" "Oh shit killerduckypants! That's the move right there!" Hell yeah I'm thinking to myself. I'm gonna get the credit for coming up with this hilarious prank. We start our search for the best dookie we could find and almost immediately we come upon a super fresh one. Hadn't had time to solidify at all and man it smelled ripe. Since it was so soft we couldn't really just pick it up and place it where we wanted, so we decided a paper plate would work with the added benefit of not getting shit on any of his stuff. We're not COMPLETE assholes after all. Using a plastic bag glove we get the poo on the plate and head inside. But before we get to the stairs Austin perks up and turns to me grinning the most mischievous grin from ear to ear. "Dude. We should put the shit in the microwave! That way anyone in his family might be the first to find it!!" "Uhhh yeah man hehe why not. Your call since you know his family I guess." We put the poo in the microwave and debate how long to microwave it for. "I feel like 30 seconds would probably be good Austin" "What? No way killerduckypants. I say we should do it for an hour!" "Uhhh I don't think that's a good idea dude. Nothing should really be in a microwave for an hour" "Alright fine we'll meet in the middle and call it 30 minutes" "Um ok yeah that's probably good" In my head im thinking oh fuck, this dude is way underestimating what 30 minutes in a microwave is capable of. But at this point frankly my curiosity is just too great. Now, fellow redditors, I am admittedly not nearly as good of a wordsmith as i would need to be to accurately describe how horrible the smell was that started to come out of that microwave. Fuck me it was bad. It took about 10 seconds for us to notice an increase in smell, and by about 30 seconds we were practically gagging on the other side of the kitchen. It. Was. HORRIBLE. Before i could even suggest stopping the microwave Austin had already left the house and was beckoning me out. I have my hand over my nose and mouth at this point to try and block some of the smell. It was like burnt rubber, fresh shit, and rotting meat decided to combine their powers and go super saiyan. We walk quickly back to Austin's house in a roundabout way so as to not run the risk of being seen by Chris and his family were they to driving home. We can't stop laughing the whole way back and for the next twenty minutes after that. Roughly an hour or so goes by. Sirens. Fire truck. Cop car. Cop car. Another fire truck. All zoom past Austin's house in the direction of Chris'. We look at each other in that classic "Ooh fuck!" Where you're just now realizing how fucking stupid you are. We walk down the street to Chris' house and as soon as we round the corner and see the flashing lights, we smell that same God awful smell. I would say at this point we're maybe a hundred yards away. That microwaved kacka wreaked straight up havoc on this neighborhood. His family is standing on the other side of the street talking to the fire department while the police are setting up a perimeter type thing with their vehicles. Neighbors are outside wondering what's going on and EVERYONE has the same disgusted look on their face with most people breathing through their shirts. Austin and I have our jaws on the floor as we look at each other and are both like "Yeah let's get the fuck out of here" That following Monday before class Chris walks up to our group and someone almost immediately goes "ugghhh what the fuck is that smell?!?" It took absolutely every ounce of self control i could muster not to bust out laughing, and i definitely couldn't look at Austin. "YEAH NO SHIT!!" Chris yells out. "Somebody broke into my fucking house, and decided to microwave a piece of dog shit!!" Guys i can't explain how hard it was for me not to laugh. I thought i was going to dislocate a rib from how hard i was suppressing my diaphragm. As it turns out, all of his family's clothes, all of their sheets, the carpet, basically anything that could possibly retain odor, had been permanently and irreversibly cursed with the stench of burnt butt fudge. They had to move in with his uncle for about two weeks while they aired out the house, before then replacing all of the carpet, drapes, and majority of their clothes. New furniture. The whole nine. Now obviously Chris and his family were fucking pissed to say the least. He let everyone know that if anyone knew who did it they were going to press charges. Luckily before we had gotten to school Austin and I swore a blood oath not to tell ANYONE about what had happened. He still doesn't know that it was us to this day. I don't think we would be granted a statute of limitations even now a decade later.

TLDR: Broke into a buddy's house with another buddy, microwaved a fat piece of dog shit for thirty minutes. Ruined thousands of dollars of clothes, furniture, and carpet, on top of forcing his family to move out for a couple weeks since the smell was so bad.

3.8k

So I fucked up a couple days ago, but didn't find out about it until now. Sorry I'm not the best story teller, but I'll give it my best. TL;DR at the bottom.

So a little bit of knowledge about me. I recently graduated high school and I was pretty pumped about getting a sweet paid internship for the summer at an automated systems facility (We make robotic stations that do whatever task the client requests). Being a fairly large nerd this was a great opportunity for me as it was preferable to washing dishes or working retail like almost the rest of my graduating class. As of today (the day of the incident) I have worked there for 9 days.

So on Monday I started working on doing component wiring. Up until Monday I had never done any sort of wiring/electrical work. I knew the general idea, cut the wire, strip the wire, add ferrule, attach to device. However, I did not know anything about wire color, gauge, current, etc. I was learning everything on the job. There aren't a ton of employees and they all have their own work to do so I am basically working alone and figuring things out on my own and only asking questions when I get stumped or confused.

On to the fuck up. So I was wiring a panel (a piece of metal that electronic components are mounted to then wired together). I had a general schematic but it wasn't super detailed. I'm okay at reading them, but there are still things I didn't understand. Since the schematics weren't very detailed, there were some components that were implied. Apparently the guy who normally does all the wiring would have known to include them. Guess what? Not me. So I wired up the components like I thought they should be and moved on to other panels I had to do.

Today, the panel was connected to some other panels and powered up for tested. Apparently the electrical devices did not appreciate my shitty wiring and the lack of important components. Obviously the system did not work at all, and about $2500 worth of components were completely ruined.

To make this great day even better about 5 minutes before I was going to leave for the day, I knocked over a large bin of assorted wire ferrules and got to stay for another hour and a half to clean them up and re-sort them.

I hope I still have my job tomorrow....

TL:DR My shitty wiring job ruined about $2500 worth of electronic components and I got to stay late to clean up a mess I made by knocking over a container of small parts.

Edit: My *nearly* post work blunder https://imgur.com/a/RuuUO9D.

Edit 2: Am at work today. Still have job (yay). The problem was viewed as a collective failure all around. I guess what happened was I finished wiring and my supervisor was supposed to check the wiring. Due to the large number of panels he hadn’t checked it yet when the install guys took it with the rest of the panels, assuming it was all set.

Edit 3: For anyone who is curious, I did some back of the napkin math at lunch and there were about 16,000 ferrules on the floor.

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29

So earlier today I was at the lake kayaking, and I guess I was holding the paddle wrong. I ended up blistering the skin on my thumb a bit. I put a cloth adhesive bandage on it.

As you might expect, after a few hand washings, it stopped sticking to itself well. I have in the past put a small dab of superglue on bandages to help them stick to themselves fine. Well, the nozzle on my bottle is clogged, but I can still unscrew the lid as a whole. So I figured I could dip a q-tip in and spread it on.

Well, I saturated the end of the q-tip in superglue and the q-tip started smoking!!! A quick Google search shows that apparently putting super glue on cotton in fact can cause it to catch on fire. Of course I searched this with my phone in one hand because I was holding a smoking q-tip in the other. Well, the smoke went away, I accidentally breathed some in, so hopefully it isn't too toxic. After a while I carefully set it on a sheet of plastic in my trash bin. I'm keeping an eye on it. Let me also mention that I'm in a 200 year old wooden house. Read "dry asf."

As it turns out, super glue reacts with the moisture in the air to solidify. It reacts very quickly with cotton, and thus releases a lot of heat quickly which can catch the cotton on fire.

On the bright side, despite the smoke, I still stupidly put some on the bandage with it while the bandage was on my skin. It's sticking well. So mission accomplished!

tl;dr: Superglue plus cotton equals fire. Don't dip a q-tip in superglue. Especially not in a 200 year old wooden house.

28

Actually just happened. I'm sitting bored waiting for laundry to get done, watching YouTube when I start to pick the calluses on my big toe. I'm on my feet a ton, so the calluses are pretty thick. I've done it before, just pick away at chunks with my nails. So I'm digging my nail into the inner part of my big toe where it's rough and I dislodge a good chunk. I continue to work at it when I made the unfortunate and stupid decision to grip it and rip it. The chunk came off, along with a slender and long piece of skin leading half way up the center of my toe. It was like those envelopes with the plastic pull tab you rip off to open it. There's a good bit of blood on the concrete of my basement, and my bathroom looks like a mini triage center with scissors, bloody tissues, and hydrogen peroxide. My toe stings like hell and I'm walking on the side of my foot like some idiot ballerina

TLDR; Picked the callus on my big toe and made an absent minded decision to yank it off resulting in a long bloody chasm on the bottom

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19

So this happened back when I was in grade four in 2009. I remember being in class midway through the school day bored out of my mind. My teacher had arranged our class into groups and I remember us just doing independent work at our tables.

I had a fairly serious nut allergy and thus had to have an epi-pen in my bag at all times. I had experienced minor allergic reactions throughout the years but luckily I’d never had to use my epi-pen on any occasion. Unfortunately this meant I was completely unfamiliar in its use and had no idea what it was. It was pretty much there so whatever adult was in the room could save me.

So anyway, after working for a while in our groups I had the bright idea to take out my epi-pen from its case and start showing it to my buddy who I think was asking about my allergy. At this point in time I didn’t have an injector with a safety pin, once out of its plastic case it was good to go.

I’d never removed it from this case before so it was new territory for me. Being completely ignorant of its use, I had no idea it was spring loaded and that the needle would fire out after you put pressure on the tip.

I continued to fiddle around with it puzzled as to why I couldn’t see a needle. Then I pressed down on the orange tip and bam the needle shot forth straight through the upper part of the right index finger. When I realized what had just happened I immediately became dizzy as all hell. Pumped up on adrenaline I didn’t feel a thing as I immediately pulled it out (surprisingly easily). As soon as I did a huge drop of blood spilled onto my desk, seat, and then shoe. My friend was frozen in shock at what he was seeing and the rest of my table hadn’t even noticed what had happened. I slowly stood up and yelled out loud to the teacher that I had stabbed my finger. He then calmly ordered two students to escort me down to the office.

The office staff made sure I was fine, bandaged me up, and called my parents. My dad had to leave work early to come get me as my mom had just left this morning for a vacation with her friends. My dad picked me up in a complete freak as he told me my brother had just been in a car crash and we had to go get him as well. Imagine his panic when he had to call my mom and let her know the family had fallen into chaos the second she’d left us.

Any way everything turned out fine, my bother wasn’t injured (the car wheel just came off or something like that) and my finger was fine. Luckily for me most the epinephrine had shot into the air and not my body as the needle passed through my finger (missing my bone too).

TLDR: Idiot fourth grader me shot my own epi-pen through my index finger whilst in class. When my dad came to get me I learned that my brother had just gotten in a car crash, all this only a day after my mother had left for vacation. She’s was very reluctant to leave me, my dad, and brother alone for a while.

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Obligatory this happened a few years back. I was in Rome, a first time in this city and also my first encounter with what is a self cleaning public bathroom. (Perhaps if you know how these work you will already see where this is going) So, I was in Rome and me and my friend were walking around when she had the sudden urge of going to the bathroom. So did I. Finding one wasn’t hard from what I remember and we found a public one. Just as we got to the stall there was a woman walking out of the stall so just as she closed the door she saw me trying to rush and grab the door for a free bathroom break. She looked at me and said in very broken English ”no free”. Assuming she was just a grumpy old lady who didnt want us to ride on her money I payed up in the machine and my friend entered. When he then left I walked in after him, this time not paying of course. So when I close the door, the lamps turn off and it gets completely dark in there. And suddenly the bathroom sort of spinklerish spreads water around the whole room spaking me. I walk out to find my friend staring and then breaking into a laugh I’ll never forget. I guess that lady tried to teach me something.

TLDR : TIFU by not interpreting an old lady’s advice correctly and got flushed inside a self cleaning bathroom.

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6

Keep in mind the title is pretty misleading as this event took place in the 6th grade.

I had this grumpy Polish Lunch Lady with a thick accent that would serve shitty food. Apparently, she moved from Poland and claimed that she was a professional chef and the best one in her country. Somehow, she has a job at a school serving crappy food to whiny middle schoolers. Now, I’m not sure if it’s her, or the other lunch ladies, but the food would either be super ripe, or totally expired. And whenever a kid would tell her about the spoiled food, she’d respond with a thick accent “No big deal, just shake it up and you’ll be fine.” This was the reason why 80% of the school packed their lunch or did not eat at all. But one day, my mother forgot to pack me lunch for the day. So I was left with: a. Starve b. Just eat the typical low-quality breadsticks they serve at school Now, a normal kid would probably say “I ain’t eatn dat shit” and just starve and plead until supper. But the 11 year old me decided that I should at least try the cafeteria food due to the fact that I never had it in my life. So I waited in line to get the nasty goodness that will soon be mushed on my tray. I got spaghetti and meatballs as my main meal, a side of aged Mac and Cheese, and chocolate milk that expired 2 days ago. I went to the Polish Lunch Lady, but she scurried away to escape the crowd contaminated by starving children. I just doped outta there and sat by my friends at the table. I took a bite of my spaghetti and meatballs. The bitterness rushed threw my mouth AND OH MY LORD I threw up right at my friend, Sara. Sara let out a whimper and tried to walk to the bathroom. Sara slipped on my vomit and facepalmed the floor. The polish Lunch Lady let out the biggest blood curdling scream known to mankind. The supervisors told Sara and I to go to the nurse’s office. We went to the nurse and our moms picked us up soon after. I gave my mother a faint smile whispering “next time..... pack my lunch”. The next day, I never saw the Polish Lunch Lady again. This was one of my cringey middle school stories that happened to me as a kid. Imma post more to this subreddit.

TL;DR - Had a grumpy old Polish Lunch Lady that would serve terrible food at my school cafeteria. I ate cafeteria food for the first time and vomited on my friend. My friend tried to walk to the bathroom but she slipped on my vomit and the supervisors told my friend and I to go to the nurse’s office. Our moms picked us up and we never saw the Polish Lunch Lady ever again.

95

To cut kind of a long back story short, my girlfriend and I have been having kind of a rough time in the last week. Over the weekend we went on a car trip and the trip was really fun but along the way we were involved in a light car accident(everyone was fine and there was no damage to the cars, but still jarring), I had a bad time in an internal interview at work trying to get a promotion, she's been having a stressful time at work, she hasn't been feeling well, and I got surprise overtime for a couple days so we're not going to be able to see each other for a while. So it's been kind of rough sailing.

Last night when I was on the phone with her she was talking about feeling stressed out and sad, so to try to surprise her and make her feel good I went to the supermarket and got her some blueberry scones for something sweet for breakfast and snack and I got her a bouquet of flowers to put next to them. Very early this morning I brought them to her apartment and left them on her little patio in view of a sliding glass door she opens every morning to burn incense as part of her morning routine. I was really hopeful that it would make her happy.

This morning after I woke up I checked my phone to see what she might have said about it, and she sent text messages that she was very upset with me for what I did. Having to bring the flowers in, put fresh cuts on the stems and put them in her vase had her running late. Then she brought the box of scones to work without realizing, until a coworker pointed it out, that ants had gotten into the box with the scones. So now she's worried that she might have brought an ant infestation into work, there may be ants in her car, and there may be an ant problem in her apartment if there were ants she unknowingly brought in between the flowers and the scones, and she's stuck at work worrying her boss might pull her aside to talk about it and won't be able to check on her car or apartment until later this afternoon.

I'm very upset that this has happened. I didn't think anything would happen to the scones inside the box and I'm ashamed at the inconvenience and trouble my gifts have caused.

TL;DR I left scones outside my girlfriend's place as a surprise and she brought a box of ants to work.

6

When you're ruining your life and the lives of the people around you, this is the only place you can come to get positive karma, so here I am.

"Today. I fucked up.", is basically what I've told myself every single day since May 31st. I had given notice to my current employer to end my employment as of June 22nd because I was moving to the West Coast to start a new career and had also given my 60 day notice to my apartment complex in Minnesota which is up June 30th. Everything was going great. Great dog, great girlfriend, great stuff, moving to the west coast and leaving these Minnesota winters I can't stand.

Then, I met a girl. Yup. Girlfriend's friend's roommate. Seemingly normal girl... We met one night when she showed up with my girlfriend's friend at my place for dinner. We played some board games, listened to music, had some dinner. No big deal. The more I talked to her the more attractive she became to me. She loved board games, she loved going to concerts, we like a lot of the same music, I like her attitude, I'm interested in her profession. We have fun chemistry together. I think hey, I wasn't exactly psyched when this girl showed up on my doorstep, but I'm kinda glad she's here now. She mentions, at one point, that if I ever wanna go to a show to let her know. My gf has no interest in loud music and I don't have many friends here so as soon as she leaves I send her a Facebook friend request. A couple days later, she's not my friend and there's no request pending. No big deal, seems like a typical Minnesotan. Say something you don't mean to be nice, that's how people are here. From there, there's some haze. I don't know when that was exactly, but somehow we ended up friends on Facebook because I told her friend to add me and she did. She said she never got a request from me. Cool, she's not a typical Minnesotan. We start texting and texting and I'm flirting, but I'd say it was pretty harmless. It seemed pretty harmless? I'm just enjoying meeting someone new that I like right before I leave this state and making the most of it. It always happens when you're making a big move in life, by the way.

May 31st: My gf got 4 tickets to a sporting event and the original 4some is back together! At this point, I'm wishing I came up with fake names so you could follow this better. I jokingly refer to the sporting event as a double date, in which I'll be dating 'board game girl', to my gf. I don't really care to hide how much I like the girl. I'm not dishonest. I'm just a horrible horrible human being. So I sit 3 seats from my gf in nosebleed seats next to board game girl and she's telling me what's going on, because I don't know shit about sports, and we're having a good time and at some point she says that she'd pay to have sex with me, not a whole lot, she says, because I'd enjoy it, but she'd pay. Up until this point, I didn't really think this would go anywhere, but I'm frugal guys. I live on /r/personalfinance. If can get paid to have sex with a girl that I'm totally smitten with, I gotta throw my life away! A little /s there, but really, this is where I began to have hope. (Hope kills. That's the Tl:Dr of this story.) From there, I decided to investigate further. So I went home that night, I'm sure I was texting her about who knows what, trying to figure out how serious her comment was.

June 1st: We were invited to go with them to a bar and listen to music, this is where I would say my life began to fall apart at the seams. Don't drink and crush, people. I'll just hit the primary points here:

1) I jokingly said I had 6 shots when I had only had 3 and when she found out she exclaimed, "how can I ever trust you?!" This meant she cared that the things I'd said were true. She we invested! And I learned from /r/personalfinance that it's important that your future SO invests.

2) When we were dancing as a group she gave me shit for being a horrible dancer and I told her "that's because I only wanna dance with you." Not completely true though, I'm also a horrible dancer.

3) Then the final straw, she was sitting across from me at a booth and put her foot on the seat next to me and I couldn't help but put my hand on her ankle and she exclaimed "you can't do that!" I don't remember what I replied, but she ran off.

Shortly after that we leave and walk back to her place. Her and I talk a little and she furiously goes off some other way. I'm told to go watch after her, she tells me to go away, I'm oblivious at this point, until she says "why are you sending so many mixed signals?!" I think to myself and immediately blurt out (because every word that comes out of my mouth is the cutest thing I say) "where are the mixed signals?!" Because all the signals say I like her, right? She storms off. I lie down in the grass sad. Ten minutes later I get over it and go back to her place. Then she went to bed, my gf and I slept in the living room. It was oddly comforting to be sleeping under the same roof with her even though she was far away.

June 2nd: That morning I watched her get out of bed from down the hall. Idk wtf happened, but in a very short period of time she had just become the most beautiful woman on the planet to me. And I wanna be clear, because I still haven't really thought about having sex with her, it's just this very pure innocent attraction. The point is, it was never a lustful thing. Anyway, called off work for the first time ever and I made everyone breakfast, my gf fell asleep on the couch and what else would I do all alone with board game girl, we played board games and went home.

June 3rd: We woke up early and the four of us biked for 30 miles and BGG and I kept going way ahead and just sitting and taking and she finally started to open up and tell me how she felt and I was starting to get so happy!

Later that day I went and helped her buy some speakers because she liked the ones I had. This was actually our first time being alone. I tried to hold her hand. She said I should stop because I have a gf. She was right. So I went home and broke up with my gf and told her everything. Let her keep the dog I had 6 years before I started dating her and most of our stuff

The next day I went and saw her because she seemed really sad and I was in the neighborhood and she laid with me on the couch and we listened to music and she grabbed my hand and looked in my eyes and expressed that she wished the situation was different, and that she was interested in being in a relationship with me and I was so happy!!!

But after that she started to grow distant.

Over the next couple weeks I put a lot of pressure on board game girl because I wanted to have as much time with her as possible before my lease was up because my last resort would be going to stay with my brother in another state. This whole thing had become very intense by this point, actually. It's not unlike falling in love at summer camp. The things that should bother you, don't. The little things matter far more than they probably should. Every minute is precious. It all belongs in the love lives of teenagers. But while I'm finally coming to terms with all these feelings I've been having and letting them pour out, she's feeling super stressed out and guilty and as time progresses we both grow into those feelings more until I'm pressing her to spend all the time with me and she's trying to hide under her bed from her own guilt. Her desire to slow down to a halt and my desire to speed things up were the worst mix possible. We hung out a couple times, and it was getting better, but there wasn't enough compromise made on both sides to make it work.

It's just a shame I felt like I had to rush it so much. I did just find a new apartment, but I turned down the job offer on the west coast, I am unemployed and I blocked her number today because we just can't get past the grief and I can't take it either and the effects it has on us.

Tl;Dr Fell madly in like with a girl, broke up with my gf, gave up my job, gave up my new home in another state, gave up my dog, gave up most my possessions, ruined it with the girl. I fucked up. HARD.

So if you're also a big fan of /r/personalfinance, try not to make shitty relationship decisions.

Note: there is more complexity here that I'm leaving out for simplicity sake. BGG also had a bf, but they were in the process of breaking up when this all went down, but it added to the grief on her part. I was also far more intense and insistent upon our relationship progressing than I let on.

208

Obligatory "not today", but over the last couple of weeks. I won't be saying which observatory, obviously. I'm about to go into way too much detail on how a radio dish works, but bear with me.

One of my classes for my degree required us to take some data using the university's large radio telescope. Now radio dishes can observe at large whole range of the electromagnetic spectrum, with ours running from around 1GHz to 40GHz, but it can't do the whole lot at once. That spectrum is split into different bands, and for each band, you have to connect up a special receiver specifically designed for that frequency. So if I want to observe at 1.5GHz, I'd have to connect up the L-band receiver, which covers 1-2GHz. If I want to then look at 2.5GHz, then I'd need to change to the next receiver. They usually take a couple of minutes to physically move into position.

Our telescope has a bit of a problem. These receivers are loaded under the dish, where no one can easily access, so it's handled by motor. But our motor is shit, and for some of the high frequency bands that need to be raised up much higher, it loses to gravity. This is an old problem that no one even bothered to fix because (a) there are ways around it and (b) it's not a really critical problem.

The solution is pretty simple: if the motor is struggling, then you tip the radio dish on the side. "Moving up" now becomes "moving sideways".

This is where I fucked up. I was trying to load up the 15GHz receiver when I remembered that this is one of those receivers that has trouble sometimes. So I tip the radio dish, the receiver keeps moving, and it finds its place with no big flashing lights or sirens (aside from the classic "everything is fine" siren). I move the dish back to a more normal position and move on to the rest of the setup, which consists of around 6 more computer systems and receivers to program. Signals can be too quiet or too loud, so I have to dampen or amplify things. But the voltages are fluctuating a lot. They bottom out to zero and then fly off the meter, and the current is way too high as well. This is a room with wall-to-wall computer systems, each the size of a standard desktop, so the issue could be in any one.

Obviously at this stage I have to get help. I've used this dish and a fair few others before without issue so I'm allowed to operate without someone breathing down my neck (and we're encouraged to run things alone), but my experience stops at the physics and the basic setup. I have no idea how this smorgasbord of 1970 and 2010 tech is all wired, and this dish is needed for actual researchers to do actual important stuff. I ain't about to mess around with all of the dials.

The observatory manager and I (really only him, I just stood around and followed orders) eventually decided to turn on the microphone that's inside the actual dish. The receivers are cryogenically cooled so you can hear the whoosh-click of the cryo going, but the voltages seemed to be moving with the sound of the cryo. That means the most likely issue are broken cables.

Tipping the telescope is the right thing to do for moving the receiver up, but I did it too early. It was still moving sideways, and when I tipped the dish, the cables got tangled and broke. I must have missed that little caveat somewhere. But maybe the cables were on the verge of breaking anyway, so we moved to a higher frequency band and tried that one. Nope, tangled and broken too. All of the higher frequency receivers were broken, meaning that over half of the telescope's observing capabilities were gone. Not only could I not get data for my class, but anyone who hadn't already got their data couldn't either, nor could the researchers who'd booked the telescope that night. A few weeks later, and some are still broken. We only have two part-time guys working on the hardware, and one of them is technically retired, so things aren't easy to fix.

The observatory staff and my professors were all really nice and say that "sometimes these things just happen", but I definitely fucked up on this one. And since I only got 50% of single, slightly shitty data set, I got 50% on my report. I can't really help fix things, so I took the hardware guys some biscuits to say "sorry". I have a history of breaking lab equipment, so I don't know why I'm even allowed near it.

tldr: I didn't follow directions properly when running the observatory, broke 50% of their receiver equipment, got 50% of one piece of data for my lab report, and got a 50% grade on it as a result.

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41

I’m the guy who posted yesterday’s fish story that was removed due to accidental fish death. It seemed to bring joy to some so I thought I’d share the only other real FU in my life to date. TL:DR at end

Needless to say, it didn’t happen today - I was 18 at the time of this fuck up. This was the first year of university - an exciting and tumultuous time in anyone’s life.

In the UK you typically live in student halls the first year - shared kitchen and bathroom and 6-8 of you have individual rooms. We were a happy little flat, bonded through liver-melting drinking and communal eating.

A year of leaving home is exciting but coloured by missing parts of upbringing and your hometown. My dad was a keen gardener and would turn leftover fruit from the garden into jam with a pressure cooker.

I stumbled across a similar battered ancient stovetop pressure cooker for £3 in a charity shop, the heartstrings were tugged and I duly bought it.

Fuck did I love this thing - everything got pressure cooked. We took it in turns as a flat to cook dinner before heading out on our respective piss ups and this thing was a real score - cheap tough meat into tasty casseroles in double quick time. Brisket, ribs, mash - fantastic.

All is good in the world of pressure cooking.

Six months into uni, bog standard day, my turn to cook. I decide to make spicy noodles in my bad boy. Done it for myself a few times, delicious, moist, flavourful noodles - no biggie. I don’t know if it was the quantity or something else but my bad boy let me down.

Set everything up, stuck it on the hob ready to serve in 15 minutes. I slink back to my room.

Fast forward 10 minutes, I’m in my room deep into a game of Medieval Total War and I hear this ALMIGHTY bang.

OH SHIT

I scramble out of my room to the kitchen in time with my other flat mates

It’s bad, Todd

I presume the single pressure relief valve got blocked, but this thing has EXPLODED, the extractor hood is warped and twisted, the hob is kinda concave. Kitchen is covered in noodle chunks. It’s fucked.

The silence just sits there like a turd in the room, someone turns the hob off. Security bursts into the flat, kinda goes what the fuck, I mumble an explanation.

Building is evacuated, fire brigade comes. Building is declared safe. Our flat is placed into temporary accommodation due to inhospitable living conditions. We’re laughing about it at this point over a few beers.

Not the next day. We got split up between other student accommodation for the last three months of uni whilst the flat is renovated, everyone lost their deposits (300£) because it’s a communal area even though I copped to it (shyster letting company)

Spoiled the end of a good first year and some really solid friendships.

TL:DR - cooked noodles in a pressure cooker, went bang, left oven mangled, flat got split up due to renovations and everyone lost 300£

41
24

Solar Sue. was a bear, a Malayan sun bear. She lived at the time in a smallish enclosure at the Pueblo Zoo. SS would pace the small area back and forth in an attempt to burn energy, every step her long front claws would click on the smooth cement surface. It made me sad to see Solar Sue in such a horrible pin.

This was a old zoo and you could get quite close to the exhibits. Which explains why I stuck my hand in the Bobcat cage, but that's a different TIFU. As it would have it, I happened to have a large muffin with me and as I bit into this tasty orange cranberry treat I decided to share. The bear stare I got and the stop to the pacing as I chewed may have influenced the decision. I halved the muffin the best I could, walked over to the cage as 4 inch (37cm) claws and then a long snout reached out past the bars. Sue took the muffin much like a gentle dog and as I walked back to the sidewalk I thought that would be good deed for the day. She was still chewing while I went back to eating my half, she was smart, Solar Sue knows how to enjoy a treat. Little did I know she was fuckin Einstein at enjoying a treat. Something else I didn't know was an elementary school class field trip was slowly making their way around the zoo in small groups of friends. Before I noticed the kids I got to see SS's neat trick of opening her mouth wide, pointing her snout down, sticking her tongue out and lettng gravity empty her mouth. Mind you I know what that glob is and it still looks kind of like a muffin at this point, but I found it a little gross and a little grosser when she ate it all up again and started chewing some more. Cue the school kids, they come running up, yelling the bear's name over and over. The enthusiasm ceased and the raucous yells silenced as again SS opened jaws wide and excruded a much slimier version than the first exit and now a lumpy puddle in front of bear is eagerly lapped up to the horror of 5-6 ten year old children. They start screaming EWww and She's eating vomit!! Twice is nice, three times will send children screaming for the safety of the Pararie Dog exhibit. As I watched silly bear eat that muffin three times even I was getting kind of queasy.
As SS finally stopped licking the ground and started licking her chops, I spotted a new batch of kids getting closer. I timed it the best I could and gave Sue the other half of the muffin. Sure enough just as before every morsel was tasted to the fullest extent and then dumped on the ground, where once again it was chewed with the relish of a denied connoisseur and again hoarked for the nearby tramatized audience to witness. Unfortunately it was too much for one boy and he threw up. I was sneaking away at this point so the mayhem that followed was soon behind me, the last I saw of Solar Sue she was still licking the cement. I hope I made a little bear a little happier while she lived in a small cage. They found her a better place to live in the zoo and a bear friend, BTW.

TL;DR IFU and made a kid puke and traumatized a dozen kids because bears really know how to enjoy a muffin

24
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