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Ya stupid jackass, this one’s got that smuggled tiger cub from the Berlin Zoo!

114 comments
93% Upvoted
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level 1
396 points · 1 month ago

Luggage jacket == TSA removes it and doesn't put it back on.

level 2

Just like my pants

level 2

I am lucky if they zip my suitcase closed after looking through it.

level 3

They ripped the zipper off of my luggage once

level 4

Just once?

level 3

what airports u been goin to?

level 2

Why is TSA such a fucking hassle?

They seem to be 10x worse than the second next worst.

level 3
45 points · 1 month ago

Because it's pretty much just a glorified jobs program for undertrained people who live near the airport.

level 4

Can’t we just give them welfare? Rather than costing us time and money at the airport for no purpose, they can sit at home with no purpose?

level 5
19 points · 1 month ago

Well it also has the benefit of security theater. Looks like things are safe if you squint at least

level 6

So we can let our guards down, and when a terrorist incident occurs we’re extra fucked cause we think we’re safer than we are?

level 7

This guy gets it

level 5

You realize we pay for welfare right

level 6

Yes. My point is that I’d rather pay for them to do nothing than for them to do something negative.

level 7

Ah gotcha lol

level 3

Get global entry.

level 2

Shit just this week a NY Giants player’s mom’s ashes were spilled in his luggage by TSA and they just left it.

level 2

I feel like they'd just do it on principal without actually searching.

level 1
549 points · 1 month ago

slaps suitcase

level 2
477 points · 1 month ago

This baby can fit so many tiger cubs stolen from the Berlin Zoo in it

level 3

“It is really a severe problem,” says Volker Homes, the director of the Association of Zoological Gardens in Germany. Zoos have lost small primates .... Reptiles and exotic birds, ... are common targets too. In one case thieves stole 79 tortoises from a French zoo in a single swoop.

Dude. How the hell do you even get out of a zoo with 80 turtles with no one noticing!

level 4

You don't. That's why they only stole 79.

level 5
level 5

Who the fuck would eat 80 turtles?

level 6

I bet I could eat 100 turtles.

level 8
3 points · 1 month ago

Risky click

level 6

Eat them? I thought they were going to attach knives to them and have them face off, gladiator-style.

level 6

The reason that the giant tortoise wasn’t properly classified by scientists for so long appears to be quite simple: they were so delicious that no specimens ever made it back to Europe without being eaten on the voyage.

According to scores of accounts over several centuries, the giant tortoise is by far the most edible creature man has ever encountered. 16th-century explorers compared them to chicken, beef, mutton and butter – but only to say how much better the tortoise was. One tortoise would feed several men, and both its meat and its fat were perfectly digestible, no matter how much you ate.

Oil made from tortoise fat was medically useful – efficacious against colds, cramps, indigestion and all manner of ‘distempers’ – and tasted wonderful. Even better were the delicious liver, and the gorgeous bone marrow. The eggs, inevitably, were the best anyone had ever eaten. Some sailors were reluctant to try tortoise meat because the animal was so ugly - but after one taste they were converted.

Giant tortoises were invaluable to sailors, as they could be kept alive for at least six months without food or water. Stacked helplessly on their backs, they could be killed and eaten as and when necessary. Better still, they sucked up gallons of water at a time and kept it in a special bladder, meaning that a carefully butchered tortoise was also a fountain of cool, perfectly drinkable water. Large-scale commercial whaling in the 19th century was only made possible because the giant tortoises enabled ships to stay at sea for weeks at a time.

level 4

Easy, just hide them in your clothes!

level 4

Baby turtles are tiny!

When I was a kid, my family used to stay at a beach apartment for vacation in the summer and sometimes if you walked along the beach at night you'd see state wildlife workers supervising nests of hatching turtles. The mother turtles climb all the way up the beach and bury their eggs in the dunes, and then in summer the eggs hatch all at once and dozens of tiny baby turtles have to crawl down to the surf. I guess it's a way for natural selection to weed out weak or deformed turtles that can't reach the water. But since they're endangered, wildlife workers dig them a trench in the sand down to the surf so that they don't get lost, or maybe confused by the light from beach houses. It's suuuuuuper super illegal for beachgoers to interfere with wild turtle hatchlings though. Not even dumb bored teenagers do it because the locals adore the turtles.

level 5

Wow, I feel dumb! I didn't even consider the fact that they could have been baby turtles!

level 4

TIL turtles live in a swoop

level 4

Have you seen an Ocean's movie?

level 4

You should post this to r/memes

level 3

But only the Berlin Zoo. Tiger cubs from other zoos are considered a third party addition and voids the warranty.

level 1
Original Poster87 points · 1 month ago
level 2
112 points · 1 month ago

"Luggage jacket!"

"That sounds fancy and expensive."

Fuck, no wonder they didn't spend money on new luggage.

level 2
Comment deleted1 month ago(5 children)
level 3

I was thoroughly entertained.

level 3

I think the worst part is the guy explaining how he's in a "secure area" of the airport and had to get a badge... but he's obviously in front of a green screen.

level 4

Butbutbut EXPLAIN THE BADGE!

level 3
level 4
1 point · 1 month ago

Thank you so much for this

level 2

My god its 14 minutes long

level 3

I made it halfway and had to stop.

level 4
2 points · 1 month ago

One minute forty four seconds.

level 2

"Wetsuit material!"
"So it's water resistant!"

No, that's not how wetsuits work. They are wet. If anything they're water absorbant.

level 3

So they're Dry Resistant!?

level 4

That's the idea!

level 3

If only there was some kind of opposite material. A “dry suit” if you will.

level 4

Dry suits are also made of neoprene, so it makes it even more silly that he chose to say wetsuit.

level 2

Love the paintballs. That everyday scenario where you stumble into wrong neighborhood and get a drive by for repping the wrong color gang with your luggage jacket. “Let’s paint em!”

level 3
4 points · 1 month ago

With the added fact that at least half the paintballs on the uncovered suitcase hit in areas not covered by the jacket.

level 2

might just be the most useless shit

level 3

Not really. Makes your bag a bit easier to identify and if you have a ghetto ass bag.

level 4
7 points · 1 month ago · edited 1 month ago

i just put stickers on mine ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯ sure it looks a little less classy, but it's almost impossible that someone's going to have the exact same things on there in the exact same places. cheaper too.

ETA: i feel like it goes without saying that i have a hard-shell suitcase, but you can probably use fabric patches for soft suitcases.

level 5

I once thought for sure me and my brother's bags would be unique on the flight we were on. We had gotten them at some triathlon in Shreveport, LA, and were flying between Houston and Denver three years later.

Grabbed the bag off the conveyor, went to open it... didn't belong to either of us. There was a third person on the plane with the exact same bag. We actually found them with one of ours and swapped; they'd had the same thought we did.

Lesson learned: always add things to your luggage. I like to tie old shoelaces to the handles, since they're fairly sturdy and it's not something I see often. I also grabbed the most hideous possible suitcase when I bought it, so it's not lost in the throng. Is it horribly neon pink, orange, and silver? Sure, but I almost never see anything else even close to that color.

level 6

yep. i frequently travel with a bunch of stock to sell and i don’t even want to risk having a luggage mix-up. if that means having a shitload of video game stickers on my suitcase (because the base case is a really common black one), so be it.

level 6

Oh crap. I tie shoelaces to my luggage too.

level 5

Stickers are definitely not less classy. It's traditional.

level 2
8 points · 1 month ago

This is 14 minutes and 40 seconds of my life that I'll never get back.

level 3

There is no way you watched all of it.

level 4
11 points · 1 month ago

The mouse cursor was inching towards the tab close button but I fought back and watched it all like a champ.

level 5

You are the hero we don't deserve.

level 3
2 points · 1 month ago

yeah but that moan in the beginning of the video

level 3

Omg. I read your comment and thought "there's no way that was 14 minutes long..." Went back to the video and confirmed, I just wasted 15 minutes of my life. Did I fall into a wormhole?

level 4
3 points · 1 month ago

I think it somehow numbed my mind and I just sat there, my jaw hanging open, slowly drooling on my shirt without being able to shake the idea how awesome it would have a luggage protector that has a picture of my own face on it. My SO would also have this proud look on her face when she'd walk with me in airline terminals and so forth.

level 2

oh Ho Ho!

level 3

This noise is going to haunt me all day long. I can't unheard it.

level 3

I want to make this my text tone

level 4

Please do

level 2

After just a few uses, your luggage is worn out and beaten like you've had it for years!

How about you don't buy the goddamn Great Value brand $20 luggage? You don't have to spend $1000 on rich people luggage but you do get what you pay for. My $250 roller bag has lasted for like a decade.

level 2
3 points · 1 month ago

I am so intrigued by how terrible this video is

level 2

Protects your bag from water... on 4 sides... one of which isn't the one facing the sky...

level 2

Its like watching a 15 minute conversation between extremely boring people.

level 2
2 points · 1 month ago

This has got to be the most useless product I've seen on this subreddit to date. This is even stupider than that pancake flipper from a few days back.

level 2

Holy fuck 14 minutes.

level 2

I have a hard time watching a 30 second ad on YouTube but had no problem getting through the first 3 minutes of this 😂😂😂

level 2

Isn’t luggage the term for the suitcase once you put stuff in it/use it for luggage? Or am I just dumb

level 3

Luggage is just the more general term for bags you travel with. Subsets of luggage would include suitcases, duffel bags, trunks, etc.

level 2

I'm so confused. Why do people buy into solutions to problems they don't have like this?

level 2

Calling it a zipper angers me irrationally.

level 2

Uhm, so wait if you put a cover on something it stops paint. How amazing.

level 2

This is horrifying. This marriage is unholy.

level 1

He "wiped" off the wrong side

level 2
Original Poster59 points · 1 month ago

Yeah, but he had to calm down that baby beast inside the bag

level 1

Phil from modern family?

level 2

I thought it was Adam from workaholics first.

level 3
Soda Seeker3 points · 1 month ago

I thought it was Robbie Rotten

level 2

I thought it was Johnny Knoxville. Thought the "jackass" in the caption was funny for that reason.

level 1

Without any sound, imagining this guy say “I’MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM” for at least 3 whole seconds in his apology is absolutely hilarious to me.

level 1

And that's the side that didn't hit the ground, Einstein.

level 1

Us white folks are so damn clumsy

level 1

I'm delighted by a different but still fitting title style.

level 1

"We fired paint at two identical suitcases"

level 1

I like how he’s wiping off the wrong side lol

level 1

Wow, that luggage drop was actually insanely believable

level 1

I'm so soory, eh.

level 1

Its not even a long drop. That wouldn’t harm a normal bag at all.

level 1

All bags must first be balanced

level 1

This looks like some shit from Zach Morris is Trash.

level 1

I'll give this one credit: That looks like something I would totally accidentally do.

level 1

2 days ago I was at the berlin zoo! I live in the uk.

level 1

Pats down the side that didn't touch the ground.

level 1

He shows them the side that didn’t scrape on the ground.

level 1

Is that Adam DeVine?

level 1

100th comment

level 1

for a second i forgot i was subscribed to this subreddit and i was confused for a bit

-Oofers

level 1

"I am so sorreeyyy"

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