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Just a rant post. Self harm, suicidal thoughts, etc been there yada yada. Tonight was a bad night. I usually try to keep my emotions to myself and not bother anyone, but given how bad I felt I tried to reach out. "That sucks" "get over it" "man up". Even that shitty online therapist that reddit ads are pushing out told me they couldn't help. I just don't get the point of leaning on people when they don't even offer a stable foundation.
Divorce was official ~2 months ago, physically separated and process started ~3 months before that - her decision not mine. I still cannot get a good nights sleep because I keep having dreams about her coming back into my life. Meeting at the store and her wanting to get back together. Her showing up at my door and telling me it was a mistake and she wants me back. Last night was probably one of the worst. We were sitting together for some odd reason, and she told me she had to tell me a secret. I turned to look at her, and she turned to look at me, and our lips accidentally grazed. Instead of jumping back in embarrassment I kissed her and she kissed me back. I can't explain it, but in my dream I could feel her warmth and the moistness of her lips. Maybe that's something I should have told her, how much I loved how her lips got moist whenever we were truly intimate. Anyways, woke up after less than three hours of sleep feeling hollow and unwanted just like every other night the past 5 months. Can't say I'm looking forward to it tonight.