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*Ex-Marine

 

Once a Marine, always a Marine unless you act like a fucking shitbird.

pres-tih-dige-ih-tation

I think?

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One of my players calls it prestigiggityation.
 

For some strange reason, it tends to manifest as if it's being wielded by Scott Baio in Zapped.

⊂༼ ◕_◕ ⊂ ༽ WHEN SHIRT ⊂༼ ◕_◕ ⊂ ༽

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つ ◕_ ◕ ༽つ WHAT SHIRT ༼ つ ◕_ ◕ ༽つ

Original Poster1 point · 1 month ago

Original by Justin Hall. Cropping his name off was unintentional.

 

He must've ended up in the soulstone.

Banning doesn't eliminate the subs, it just blocks banned users from posting and commenting

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But they can still read everything?

But if I comment, there's a chance I could be upvoted and that would upset the balance. As a result, I will refrain from commenting.

36

He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her. She named the baby girl "Love," inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name. She came home from school one day and screamed at her dad, asking why he gave her such a stupid name. Carol took the blame to protect his wife and apologized. In a fit of rage, Love shot him with her dart gun and ran away.

Minutes later, Carol's wife came home and saw him lying on the ground. "What happened?" She asked, running to him.

He waved her closer, and whispered, "Shot through the heart, and you're to blame. Darling, you gave Love a bad name."

5.7k points
36
2 comments

I love how 10 lines is long for r/jokes

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Original Poster3 points · 3 months ago

Short attention spans and whatnot.

$10 would be a great deal on this book! They are $100 on amazon!

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You can save about $60 by buying used. Something about new copies of a 19 year old book being hard to find.

Whiskey. And if that doesn't work, I can always rely on my fallback:    

More whiskey.

Where is the dog? I only see your husband hugging a horse.

[deleted]
1 point · 9 months ago

I spit out my coffee, thank you.

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I'd go one step further and call it "Shiny Metal Ass".

Chuck Norris was attacked by his own heart, twice. Chuck won both times.

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Chuck Norris didn't suffer two heart attacks.  

Two heart attacks suffered Chuck Norris.

Looks more like Tracy Jordan.

123 points · 1 year ago · edited 1 year ago

Loric the Worthy urged his horse into a canter as he saw smoke rising from the settlement ahead. Like many other brave knights who had ridden out to save many other towns, he was too late to save this one from the rampaging ogre.
Its heads and shoulders were clearly visible over the burning rooftops and he could hear the strident roars of anger from here; although it wasn't all anger - there was something else in there, a note of righteous indignation. The heads of the massive beast also appeared to be wearing bright copper helmets, of a curiously ornate design, and there was something odd about the armour it was wearing.
Taking his lance from one of his destrier's panniers, he leveled the weapon as his steed pounded down the road and toward the ogre.
Wait.
Helmets?
Those weren't helmets at all; instead he beheld the beautiful coppery bronze curls of a woman's hair, as silken and shiny as that of any noble maiden.
Turning, the three faces of the ogre came into view just as he realised the garment he had mistaken for armour earlier was in fact a gigantic green silk ballgown - now spattered with soot, dirt, and blood at the hem.
And those three faces? Each was heart-stoppingly beautiful.
Lance faltering, the knight's nerve also gave way, and he pulled his horse to a halt; mouth agape with wonder at the exquisite creature before him.
Nobody had ever told him that there were female ogres. It made perfect sense when you thought about it, of course - where else did baby ogres come from? It wasn't like they sprang fully formed from the heads of their fathers, or any such nonsense. Nature had very specific ways of doing things, and those things nearly always involved a lusty lad and a blushing bride.
His training kicking in, he unsheathed his longsword and dropped to the churned earth, striding forward.
"Though you have three of the most beautiful faces I have ever beheld," he began, "I must slay you for your trespasses against this village and this kingdom."
"You moron," said the first head.
"They're all the same," the second head trilled.
"Horse dung for brains," growled the third.
"Beg pardon?" The knight managed.
With a huge sigh, the ogress lifted her dress and sat heavily on the edge of a low roof.
"I didn't attack this village. The idiots attacked me."
Pausing mid-stride, the knight squinted up at her,
"Eh?"
"We came here to get our wedding dress," the second head explained, while the third one eyeballed Loric.
"W-wedding?"
"Yes, our WEDDING. Did the tailor really think the dress was for some novelty tent at the fair? In any case, when I came to collect it and pay the man, every one of you humans lost your tiny minds."
"Uh." The tip of his sword had now drooped to trail in the dirt.
"And then they started with the fire arrows and the rocks. Is that any way to treat a bride-to-be?"
"N-no," he agreed.
"Anyway," she continued, "I just found out the village over the way killed my fiance when he went to collect his suit. One of your lot, no doubt."
The knight made a sort of strangled, gurgling sound.
"Oh I'm not going to kill you. In fact, I have a much better idea."
Before he knew it, the knight was relieved of his sword and slung over the pale, beautiful back of the ogress.
"The king's knights took my husband, so it's only fair that I take one of the king's knights as my husband."
Loric's wailing continued for a long while as she trudged back to the mountains, but eventually subsided when she flipped him over the other shoulder, head-down in her cleavage.
THREE breasts?

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"Three tits? That's awesome. "

Moderator of r/WritingPrompts, speaking officiallyScore hidden · 1 year ago · Stickied comment

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What Is This? First Time Here? Special Announcements Click For Our Chatroom

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Am I the only one who was kind of hoping for a submission with Taylor Hebert/Skitter?

6.3k points · 1 year ago

What part of Florida is she from?

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Pretty sure she's from South Carolina.

Isn't that the same lady from this squirrel-related assault from three years ago?

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