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Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/WritingPrompts
danunderscorep 6 points

"...uce? Bruce!"

"Uh...oh. Hi."

Sheepish smile. I've practiced.

She's exasperated.

"How do you just drift off like that? Sometimes it's like you're somewhere else entirely. Where on earth do you go?"

Rooftops. The cave. That alley. Anywhere that isn't filled with inane gossip and the socialites that spread it.

"I'm sorry, Vicky. I was thinking about-"

"Skirts, if there's any truth to your reputation."


She's here for an interview but...

She's hurt.

"No! No, I swear. I...I was thinking about all of the opportunities I had as a child, and how far this money will go toward providing a fighting chance for these kids. I'm not sure it's enough. I'm not sure it'll ever be enough."

She didn't expect an eloquent answer. She's shocked. Me too.

"Oh. Wow. I thought...I didn't...I'm sorry. Can I quote you?"

She's smiling. She's placated.

"Of course you can. I'd love to keep chatting, but-"

"Hey Bruce, I'm so sorry to interrupt you, but Alfred said the mayor is looking for you."

Thank you, Dick.

"We're in the middle of an interview here. Bruce was just starting to tell me about his hopes for the scholarship."

Damn it.

"Well, since I'm the one who gave him the idea, I could answer some questions. I'm a orphan too, y'know."

Confident smile. HE'S practiced.

"That's true, Dick was the ideaman. I think he even went to all of the meetings. Perfect attendance. Can you believe he balanced all that and school? He probably knows what I know, and much more. Now, if you'll excuse me, Miss Vale."

"Great! You know, Miss Vale, Bruce is a great guy, but beneath the surface he's a little boring. Did you know I used to be an acrobat?"

The boy is 17 and he plays the game better than most. Fitting. Was trained to be an entertainer, after all. Speaks loud and well, drawing attention to himself. I'm the only one who really hears him though:

"They're looking at me now. You're welcome, partner."

Owe him one.

"Ah, there you are Bruce! Great party for a good cause. There's another donor I'd like you to meet. This is-"

John Wick was a man of focus. His ability to shut out everything but his main objective had served him well throughout his whole professional life. Tonight, that objective was to kill Bruce Wayne.

John wasn't fond of Gotham City. He felt it's underworld lacked subtlety and culture. The criminals here were loud and abrasive, almost like they wanted to be seen and heard. How could they possibly want that, he wondered, when the Bat-Man seemed to be everywhere? John was confident in his abilities, but didn't he wish to have them tested tonight. He dismissed the thought and tried to center himself. Finding Wayne was easy enough. Alert the proper people that he'd be in town, and then make a sizeable donation to an orphan scholarship fund. At least he was doing some good tonight, those kids deserve something better than...he caught himself. John had been letting his mind wander. He was usually more calm than this while on a job. Something had him out of sorts tonight. Was it Gotham? Was it the ease of finding his target? Something felt very strange.

As John's mind came back to the matter at hand, he found himself staring his assignment in the face.

"...donor I'd like you to meet. This is John Wick. John, this is our gracious host, Bruce Wayne."

John's face showed his surprise, but only for a second. He never thought he'd actually meet Bruce Wayne. Extending a smile and a hand he said,

"It's nice to meet you. You have a lovely home. Thanks for having me."

Wayne extended his own hand, and his grip was firm, much more so than John expected a playboy's to be.

"The pleasure is all mine. Anyone who's interested in working toward a better future for Gotham's youth is welcome in my home."

Wayne smiled warmly. He was used to this kind of talk, these kinds of people. The better things. Apparently his tragic childhood hadn't taken that much of toll. Must be easier to stomach when you've got a literal billion dollars.

"Forgive me, Mr. Wick, but I usually know all my guests, if not personally then certainly by reputation. I've...never heard of you."

"Well, I'm-"

"John worked security for some big wigs over the years and is now a consultant. He's here to, well, consult for me. You know you can never be too careful in Gotham, Bruce."

Having the mayor provide a backstory wasn't what John intended, but it worked all the same. The less he interacted with Wayne the better.

"Yes, I'm Mayor Kroll told me about tonight's fundraiser and it sounded like a good cause."

Wayne was staring at him hard. Thinking. Analyzing. Could he have misjudged him? Was there more to him than well meaning playboy?


The shrill voice came from behind John. A short blonde woman ran between them and tried to tackle Wayne, nearly knocking him over.

"Brucie, why don't you call me back?! I miss you so! Maybe we can talk about it over a drink??"

The girl.

"Oh! Cindy! I, uh, didn't see you there..."

Wayne had been staring at the girl.

"Of COURSE you didn't! Your awful butler wouldn't let me near you! I had to lose him so I could try to get lost with you."

"You'll have to excuse me, gentlemen. Another...colleague needs my immeadiate attention. Thanks for coming tonight."

John silently chided himself. He almost believed Wayne was more than a rich fool for a second.

"Sorry about that John. He's quite the busy fellow, if you know what I mean. Um...why are you here tonight, if you don't mind me asking? Are you...working?"


The mayor's face lost it's color, like most did when they knew what John did for a living.

" it me? I've always been faithful! I've never missed a payment, never been anything less than respectful. Am I the job?!"

His fear was making him loud, and John had already had his fill of attention for the night. He needed him quiet.

"No, you're not the job."

"Who...who is?"

They always asked him when they were in the clear. John wasn't sure why.

"You know I can't tell you. There're rules, and one of them is that we're done talking about work."

John's tone was enough to convince him. He had had enough conversation this evening. With a renewed sense of purpose, he steeled himself for what the night had in store.

End of part 1

Tofu_Fried_Rice 3 points

Part 2 is WHERE?

Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/sports
skinny511mf 0 points I supposed to care what you do with your life?

Tofu_Fried_Rice 1 point


[deleted] -11 points


Tofu_Fried_Rice 2 points

Bruh, I know the reference. The Nice was in context to making it sound legit. Woosh to your Woosh.

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Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/AskReddit
HRM_Monster 1 point

I eat kitkats "wrong" according to my baffled partner. I don't snap and eat them in portions, I eat across the intact chocolate bar.

Tofu_Fried_Rice 2 points

You monster

HRM_Monster 1 point

Well it is in the user name.

Tofu_Fried_Rice 2 points


Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/funny
deluxeismassive 5 points

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

  1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

  2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"


Tofu_Fried_Rice 1 point


Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/AskReddit
LouMan82 1 point

The Austrian Lake Duck has a penis that’s the longest in the world compared to its body, these ducks are known for raping other ducks so female ducks evolved to have curved vajinas to make getting raped harder

Tofu_Fried_Rice 1 point

Don't barnacles have the largest?

Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/mtgfinance
StinkweedImp 26 points

Quick takeaways:

  • Themes include Goblins, Wizards, Knights, legendary-matters, artifacts/equipments, and planeswalkers-matter.

  • BG Fungus/Saproling commander

  • New Karn, Squee, Jaya, Teferi

  • 1-cmc mana dork (might be Llanowar Elves)

Finance ideas:

  • New dork means standard 3- and 5-drops get a lot better.

  • Legends-matters might affect some Kamigawa cards, like Time of Need and Reki.

  • New in-demand tribal legends (BW Knight, GB Fungus) will probably cause some commander spikes (mycoloth, knight exemplar, skullmulcher, etc)

  • Goblins is the only tribe that already has significant support, so more reprints are possible (Siege-Gang and Warchief already leaked)

Tofu_Fried_Rice 1 point

I dont see a 1 cmc dork.

StinkweedImp 7 points

Llanowar Elves is the example given in the rules change section at the beginning. All other examples are DOM cards, so it's likely that Llanowar Elves is one too.

Tofu_Fried_Rice 4 points

Forsythe just confirmed on twitter. Good eye!

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Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/freebies
mayathemenace 1 point

I haven't gotten mine yet and it's been almost an hour...

Tofu_Fried_Rice 0 points

Same. I just placed another order thinking it mighta been an error or something. Probably ruined my chance at a free one cause of that :p

mayathemenace 2 points

Fingers crossed!

Tofu_Fried_Rice 0 points

Just got 2 confirmation emails. So we'll see

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Tofu_Fried_Rice commented on a post in r/AskReddit
RayBrower 121 points

TL;DR: The internet is a very scary place for young girls and you should be insanely careful about what you post on reddit and anywhere else.

I have never posted nude pics online but I have an incredibly disturbing story to tell about a girl who posted to /r/gonewild that I recognized. I have been thinking hard lately about whether or not I ever want to share this story with reddit and this seems like a pretty good thread to share it in. For all of you /r/gonewild girls out there and those of you who have thought about posting nude photos of yourself, let this serve as a cautionary tale...

So, around some time last year there was a thread somewhere in /r/Askreddit where a few people showed their faces to other redditors. I can't remember why they were doing it but they were posting photos of themselves and one girl was getting some attention. This girl was hot and everyone was saying how hot and/or pretty she looked and she seemed to enjoy the attention that she was getting from everyone. I have a habit of tagging a lot of redditors whenever I feel like it and I tagged this girl as "hot girl", left that thread, and went on my way to rack up some karma or do whatever it is that I do around here. I didn't remember that this girl existed until recently and couldn't have remembered her user name if I didn't come across her by complete chance in a thread somewhere else not too long ago. Just to be clear, I don't think that what I'm about to tell you could have happened to anyone else on reddit but me unless other redditors tag people as extensively and frequently as I do.

Almost a year later, I'm looking through an /r/AskReddit thread for a good time to comment and I come across a user that I have tagged as "hot girl" so naturally - being a young man who was a little drunk and a little bored - I decided to investigate further to see why I tagged this person as "hot girl" by looking at her links and comments. So I'm looking through the first couple pages of her comments and I still don't know or remember why I tagged her until I come across a photo of her that she posted to some subreddit. It's clear now why I tagged her as hot because she looks great and is easily a 9/10 on any given day of the week. I decide to scroll down a little farther and see that she has posted another photo of herself and for some reason, this is when it hit me: I have seen this girl's face in /r/gonewild. Now, I have never had something like this happen to me before where I stumble across something like this but I immediately felt this adrenaline rush because the account that I was looking at was not the account that this girl used to post to /r/gonewild. How do I know that this wasn't the same account that she used to post to /r/gonewild? I'll tell you how...

Any man knows that his penis has the memory of ten thousand elephants when it comes to girls that have gotten its attention and so we never forget any hotties that we have laid eyes on and the circumstances in which we laid eyes on them for the first time. You see, this girl wasn't just some run-of-the-mill /r/gonewild girl - she was one of the hottest gonewilders that I have ever seen post to reddit. This girl's posts hit the front page every single time that she posted and I still remember thinking to myself "Whoa...this girl is insanely attractive" when I saw her photos on the front page. For those wondering how I could match up this girl's selfie pics with her tits and ass I'll tell you why: she posted photos of her face on both accounts. Yes, she posted her face to /r/gonewild on her GW account and she posted photos of her face to the account that I was perusing when I came across her photographs after investigating why I had her tagged as hot. I remembered what her /r/gonewild user name was and so I quickly went to her acccount only to find that it had been deleted. I wasn't to be thwarted in my quest to be sure about the link between the 2 accounts so I googled her now defunct user name and looked around for links to the photos before I found the links that I was looking for. I was able to backtrace these deleted reddit links to her nude /r/gonewild photos and after searching frantically for the photo that she took of her face, I finally came across a comment that she left in one of her posts where she posted a verification photo of her with her face right next to the piece of paper verifying that she was indeed the account owner. I had her linked to both accounts but I decided that this was too interesting to let go right there and so I combed through her account to see if there was any information that could tell me who she was.

It turned out that this girl commented about what state she was from, gave some information about the high school that she graduated from, where she wanted to go to college, what her boyfriend's parents were like, and, most critically, what her first name is. I took her first name, what part of her state that she was from, and entered it into Google but nothing came up. I realized that I had to figure out what high school she went to so I searched for all of the high schools in the part of her state that she was from and used the information that she made on reddit to figure out which high school that she went to. I then entered in her first name, the name of the high school that I thought that she went to, and found her with her first and last name on a high school honor roll article. Her name isn't that popular and there were only a few other girls with it so I decided to google each one of them. After typing in the third girl's name, I knew that I had a match because her LinkedIn page that came up on google showed that she goes to one of the colleges that she said that she wanted to go to in one of her reddit comments. I got total confirmation when I came across her YouTube account and in the photo that she used for her account I saw the same face staring back at me that I saw in both the still existant and defunct reddit accounts. I now knew exactly who this girl was and decided to read more about her. I found out that she was incredibly intelligent, came from a well-to-do family, seemed destined for a successful and happy life, and that she seemed to be the very last type of girl that I would expect to post to /r/gonewild. I mean it when I say that it blew my mind that this girl of all people would have been so careless to show her face on /r/gonewild and think that no one might recognize her. What she can't really be faulted for is not thinking that someone would make the connection against all odds between her two reddit accounts but she made this more possible for me by being one of the most upvoted /r/gonewild posters that I had ever seen while also continuing to share photographs of her face in other parts of reddit long after she had deleted her /r/gonewild account. The thing about her is that she didn't post to /r/gonewild very long but when she did, the few photos that she posted always hit the front page and the guys in the comments section were going out of their minds asking her to post more.

Now, I'm sure many of you realize what would happen to a girl like this if anyone in her life from family, friends, school class mates, professors, work colleagues, etc. found out about her photos, saw them, and even came to possess them. I was able to find her Facebook page and was then able to find out who her family is, what street she lives on, who her friends are, how to contact all of them, where many of them live, and realized that if I wanted to, I could show these photos of her to just about everyone in her life and could bring her world crashing down at any time that I wanted to. After much deliberation and many drinks, I decided to contact this girl to see what she thought about me knowing about her identity and her /r/gonewild photos. I shouldn't need to mention to anyone that this girl was insanely open to being extorted by me for whatever I wanted and money and more naked photographs of her was something that I couldn't stop thinking about.

I managed to find her college e-mail account and sent her an anonymous e-mail telling her that she doesn't know me but she needs to talk to me. Within one hour, she sent me back an e-mail asking who I am and what am I talking about and I responded by listing her two reddit accounts and her full name. I also attached the photos that she took of herself on her one account with the verification photo from her /r/gonewild account where she showed her face. I didn't receive an e-mail back from her until nearly 24 hours later. In this e-mail, she asked me who I was again, how I found out who she was and found her photos, and why I contacted her. I told her how I found the photos, that I was just an unknown redditor, and that I contacted her because I needed more photos from her or else I was going to bring her life crashing down if she didn't give me what I wanted within 1 week. She replied back asking me "What do you want? Please, I don't want any trouble to come from this just please tell me what you need me to do so that no one ever sees those photos." I told her "I'm gonna need about tree fiddy."

Well, it was about that time that she realized that I was about eight stories tall and was a crustacean from the Paleozoic era. She sent a reply back saying, "Dammit monstah! I ain't giving you no tree-fiddy!"

Not only did I walk away without any extortion money, I didn't get any new nudes from her which is what I was holding out for more than anything else. The only good thing about the failed sextortion deal is that she never contacted the FBI which works out perfectly for me because if she did, I wouldn't have been able to share this cautionary tale with all of you wannabe /r/gonewild gals out there. I was seriously bummed about not getting any more exclusive jerk-off material from this bodacious babe but c'est la vie no smoking hot gonewild noodz 4 me :(

Tofu_Fried_Rice 35 points

Read entire thing, was not dissapointed

Tofu_Fried_Rice 6 points

Got the Doll from the floor 1 blessing, ended up hitting every ? I could find to try and aquire curses, got rewarded with the cursed key, and the relic that gives me +6 max hp everytime i get a curse. Found the blue candle in a shop so i can thin the deck out in a fight if i dont draw fiend fire correctly. All that was missing was the card that gives me 1 str everytime a card does damage to me! That would be sick with the candle!

mortalcoil1 1 point

I find I have started preferring sword boomerang to heavy blade in strength decks. That extra energy is a big deal and str decks tend to be energy hungry. plus it's poor man's AOE. It gets 4 damage per STR compared to heavy blade's 5 (upgraded,) but at 20 or more STR, they both one shot basically everything. They are both as common as hell too.

Tofu_Fried_Rice 1 point

Thats true! I dig it!

Skaitavia 2 points

Should have bashed him first before taking that screenshot! Then it'd be 7513 damage!

Tofu_Fried_Rice 2 points

I also thought of that after i had 999 strength. I was like SHOOT. NOT ENOUGH DAMAGE.

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About tofu_fried_rice

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