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Friend: Alright Billbobjimbobbilly this is your first step towards becoming one of them space folks who get shot in them thar are with a big ol bottle rocket. Ya ready?

Billbobjimbobbilly:Yeeeup!

Friend: 3....BOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

DAMNIT JERRY I told you on the count of three!

1.1k points · 7 hours ago · edited 7 hours ago

-Extremely Famous Celebrity Death-

I was best friends with Phil Hartman's son, Sean Hartman. I was in the same grade and we were absolutely best friends, joined at the hip in 4th or 5th grade. I was actually over at Phils house playing with Sean just 3 or 4 days before Phils wife relapsed on coke, shooting phil.

That was the last time I ever got to play with, talk to, or see Sean, he was quickly taken in by extended family and whisked away to the midwest somewhere. Thats a big deal when youre in the 4th or 5th grade, losing your friend like that.

Sean, if youre out there buddy, I hope life turned around for you and you were able to live comfortably and happy after what happened..

-You Los Encinos School Buddy

P.S. I still have the pre-released Ps1 copy of BLASTO that your dad was the voice actor for that you gave me while we were sitting on the wall under the baketball rim.. Thanks again for it.

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Your copy of Blasto wouldn't happen to have e a sticker on the disc like the ones in this ( https://imgur.com/a/bQ9GQ ) picture would it?

Also sorry to hear your friend got all of a sudden shipped off. Take care of that game as it holds good memories.

468 points · 8 hours ago

Just progressive enough to be willing to make her a sandwich.

Just psychotic enough to put your cum in it, though.

Perfectly balanced.

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As is tradition

So not a parent but a 17 year old kid... But dear parents, you're not slick sneaking in sex toys... you're louder than my squeaky futon and Mrs. Righty, and mom you left your vibrator right next to the batteries... Please move it. I just need batteries for the TV remote.

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This reminds me of the time I found my mom's vibrator on top of the trash pile in the garage when we were moving. She was standing right there and I started playing with it and just thought it was a back massager. I was 11 at the time and had no idea what it was. She saw me and just told me to put it down. It was years later when I finally figured out what it was.

They we just trying to pioneer the water displacement way to measure ones penis.

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"Hey baby did you know my penis displaces 10.5 ounces of water?"

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Mine would let me hang it on the side of the road just as the trash man comes to pick it up.

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I feel bad for you guys. I built a junky frame around a Jurassic Park 3 board game board I had laying around and my wife let me hang it in the dinning room. Right where everyone can see it with wall lights on either side.

Go to take some "school pictures" I see.

Holy primus, we have found the sacred butt plate

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Original Poster16 points · 1 day ago

Gaze upon the sacred butt plate and you may find it's secrets.

You lucky bastich!

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Original Poster7 points · 1 day ago

Yup. I've been looking for at least 5 years for one. Plus also found a G2 Snarl to.

20.5k points · 1 day ago

Not paying attention to the photographer more. We gave him a list of things he needed to shoot for portraits, and he forgot to get a picture of me, my wife, and my parents...

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I think I talked to our photographer more than my wife our wedding day. We were having to much fun with my 45 year old camera and he was giving me pointers on how to use it. Surprisingly he didn't miss a thing when it came to family picturss.

This literally just happened.

Wife: I love you!

Me: I love cheese.

The end.

There's some guys wife yelling at him right now. "YOU DID WHAT WITH MY GREAT GRANDMOTHERS GLASSWARE SET?!?!??!?!!!!!"

2 points · 3 days ago · edited 2 days ago

This reminds * me of Jo from the movie Twister. Nice photo!

Original Poster1 point · 2 days ago

Thanks so much!

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Your welcome!

13.3k points · 3 days ago · edited 2 days ago

Somebody at work made a 'banana for scale' joke.

Nobody else at the lunch table knew. But I did. I knew.

EDIT: Jesus Christ people - I GET IT. 9GAG USES IT TOO. Consider myself told and knock off.

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First question on a date:

If you took a picture of something and wanted to show it's size. What do you put next to it to show how big it is?

If person says bananna. You know they Reddit.

26 points · 3 days ago

Look at these fancy asses asking for pictures and pillow forts from their hotels. I just want my sheets to be jizz-free.

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Soooo I guess if you'll ever stay at my hotel we will have to switch to regular sheets instead of the sheets I lovingly made out of my own jizz then.

7.3k points · 3 days agoGilded1

Fucking your sister in the mouth in certain states.

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Just for clarification what states isn't it illegal in?

Green and liquidy

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With hints of corn and peanuts and that string from last night.

I thought this sort of thing didn't happen in Mayberry.

Find some nail polish and paint them.

30 points · 4 days ago

The angle looks challenging

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If there's a will there's a way.

30 points · 4 days ago

There are many parts of the Great Lakes where you can't see the other side.

It's weird to me to be able to to see land from one side unless you're near the bridge.

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I moved by the great lakes after living most my life next to the Pacific ocean and I gotta say the "endlessness" of the great lakes is a lie compared to the ocean.

-116 points · 5 days ago

its bad that she littered but its a million times worse that this thug old lady visibly took it upon herself to police the world and overstep her bounds to open someone else's car door. the nerve of some people though, thinking they can infringe on others personal space and tell them what to do is astounding. And of course many people here support the thug old lady because they too have no respect for personal space unless its for trump supporters. Really sicked by you all.

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Soooooo are you jealous of the size of Grandma's balls for standing up to someone who obviously did something wrong or what?

-62 points · 5 days ago

That thug old lady violated personal space. She was lucky she wasn't shot. They would have every right to stop her and silence or restrain her for invading their space.

Gotta let these thugs know they don't own the world.

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So what your saying is that if someone was beating the shit out of a child or anyone for that matter no one should go near them and stop the person beating the child because that would be going into thier personal space? What the fuck is wrong with you?

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The only part of that that was disturbing is the amount of emojis there. The rest was just facts. It's not like they were talking about fucking Shrek.

My balls just shriveled up and butthole clenched.

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Butthole clenching is just mechanism to help keep your balls from spilling out the back.

39 points · 5 days ago · edited 5 days ago

Who ever pushes me on that better be ready to catch some of my shit on thier face.

u/TransformerTanooki
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Cake day
May 5, 2016
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Two-Year Club

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