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Is the update schedule every monday? (Besides breaks)

Original Poster1 point · 14 hours ago

Yep! This Monday is another chapter, with the following week being a break.

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Awesome, thanks.

Heard the same joke, but it was Jesus talking to talking animals.

"I couldn't find a babysitter, so it's okay I brought my kid with me, right?"

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6 points · 2 days ago

pulls dog out of hat

edit: or goat child

3 points · 4 days ago

The women wouldn't be able to cough if she was choking, people don't make sounds when they're choking.

It's possible that the food got somehow lodged more firmly as she was coughing, hence her face turning blue soon after.

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"She seems to be choking, Cap'n!"


0 points · 5 days ago

Welcome to the Onion, Breaking News:

Trump Hugs it out with last remnants of ISIS

President of the United States Invites Taliban to Mar-a-Lago for Peace Talks

Trump Divorces First Lady for Putin

Original Poster1 point · 5 days ago


588 points · 5 days ago · edited 5 days ago

Na'thrar waited anxiously on the deck of the skiff dispatched from the main galactic touring cruiser, his eye-stalks twitching nervously.

Dammit. What taking Kolfwel so long? Pick up the goods and go. I swear if he got himself-

One of his eye stalks caught movement, and the small, scurrying form of his associate came hurrying across the nearly empty deck.

"Well?" Na'thrar demanded, or tried to, as he knew how tricky dealing with their contact could be, and he himself was very wary of box high qualityy fireworks his furry friend had strapped to his back. Even though their contact guaranteed they would not explode until after they were little, one couldn't be too careful.

The small, feline-eqsue creature replied between breaths "Got... the goods. Higher..." The little was fumbling with the strap of the pack, and with an irritated snort cut it clean off with a talon-like claw. "Price than normal. Bad news though. Contact wanted to come along."

"What!? Now? After all this time?" Na'thrar hissed, his tall slender from shaking with visible rage and fear.

Kolfwel just eyed him as he stretched his aching back. "Look. Not my idea. But I got what we needed, and stars know we need some muscle. He just told me to go on ahead while he packed his... ah what was the word... essentials. Look, there he is now."

Not that Na'thrar couldn't feel the minor walking earthquake that was their contact. Humans were built to withstand the higher gravity of their home planet, and it showed in the man striding toward them, with two duffel bags and a backpack slung across his back. Na'thrar judged him a bit taller than average, tanned and burned skin, a barrel chest, tree trunk legs and arms that could deliver devastating punches and kicks. Not nearly as devastating than the giant four armed Wouet, but a force to be reckoned with in his own right.

But the most startling feature was his scarred and grizzled face. He had a long mane of shaggy black hair, a old burn scar that covered his left cheek and part of his throat, and a slightly deranged and haggard look in his right eye. His left had been replaced with a cybernetic. He looked like he hadn't slept or shaved in a couple days.

As the human approached them, Na'thrar's old nervous tic of his left eye stalk came back, and he quashed it with an annoyed thought. But still, even dealing with brash, egotistical diplomats whose worlds had the power to shatter planets hadn't made him this nervous. It was just something... primal... about this walking mountain of muscle that made his skin itch, and made him want to crawl in a hole and hide.

The man nodded to the little Yaruoan as he approached. "Kolfwel. Thanks for letting me tag along." The little cat like creature gave a shrug and a flick of his barbed tail. "No prob. Just keep up your end of the bargain."

"Will do." He turned an appraising gaze on to Na'thrar, who swallowed unconscionably. "So. You're the brains of this operation." He said, craning his neck to look at the eight foot Trel'okian. humanoid in appearance, save for eerily slender height, an extra joint in each limb, and a slash for a mouth. One of his three eye stalks quivered as the human stuck out a hand.

"I'm Randy. You?"

He shook Randy's hand cautiously. "Na'thrar. It's a... pleasure... to meet you?"

Randy just nodded and freed Na'thrar from his surprisingly gentle but firm grip. "Likewise. I booked the cabin next to yours. If ya need me just knock." He turned to stride off down the hallway, but Na'thrar need one key question answered.

"Um, Randy? Why are you, ah, accompanying us on our little tour?"

Randy paused for an uncomfortably long moment. Kolfwer's ears perked up and settled his green stilted eyes on randy's back. Randy turned back around, his eyes flicking around the now empty deck, and leaned in to whisper a few sentences that sent chills down Na'thrars spine.

"Y'all know the Woutans, or Wouets or whatever?" Unsure of what to say, they both nodded.

"Well, any of you seen a one of those big fuckers take out an entire garrison of elite galactic militia, wielding a motherfucking Howitzer like a goddamned rifle?"

Both their jaws went slack. Kolfwel brought back a demo video of it from earth once. It was terrifying.

Randy looked a them gravely. "Rumors been flying around like hell recently. Someones got the Consortium pissing their pants."

He turned to go and spoke one last thing over his shoulder.

"War is coming, gents. Y'all are gonna need all the help you can get."

~~~ Been a while since I've done one of these. Hope you enjoy! -Redarcs

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158 points · 5 days ago

I thought with the cabin bit and a ridicuolous hardcore desctption of the human you might subvert where the story was going by telling us the explosives were just fireworks all along.

28 points · 6 days ago

The 2003 Cat in the Cat live-action.

Hilarious for children and adults.

The actual reason why the Suess estate has disallowed any future movies... So. Bad.

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Child slaves?

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38 points · 6 days ago

New ones are expensive, difficult to maintain and train, I recommend a used, 50 year warranty child slave.

2 points · 7 days ago

"Are you... scanning for resources?"

and also from same video

"Does she get mad when you get turned on by other shit too?"

"uhm, like... first person shooters? ehh, it's a gray area. We're working on it."

Source, " Burning Angel Janice Griffith Hot Gamer Fuck"

-4 points · 7 days ago

TIL our brains like certain things and liking those things makes you evil.

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Original Poster0 points · 7 days ago

Evil is a strange term, why evil when you want to advance yourself in the world? Villains in stories work hard to get where they are, and evil is diametric, but in reality, it's not.

*TIL Childrens' brains are more susceptible to addiction, which is ultimately what those "unboxing" videos are, a quick dopamine fix.

107 points · 7 days ago

Is that a motherfucking Cowboy Bebop reference

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37 points · 7 days ago


"your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elder berries!"


Haven't watched that for a long time, should rewatch

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Original Poster2 points · 8 days ago

maybe you should.

Original Poster369 points · 9 days ago

Rude. I’m not even 20 yet...

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49 points · 9 days ago

Can you still achieve wizard status though?

Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.

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you're in my breeding territory

Writhing Grapevines

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