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6.6k points · 1 month ago

I say "Girl do you want to see my average sized BLACK dick" to hoes all the time.

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Original Poster3.8k points · 1 month ago

😂deadass this stereotype created unrealistic expectations... Lexington Steele done fucked us all up

116 points · 1 month ago

You just gotta pull your nuts back to your asshole and measure from the bottom.

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Original Poster84 points · 1 month ago · edited 1 month ago

Lmao nuts-back will add at least a quarter inch to your stats

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If she were being cheeky and sarcastically making fun of pedophiles that actually use that defense in court , then I see nothing wrong with it.

On the other hand it's safe to say James Gunn might actually have a pedophilic fascination based on the frequency of the way his dark humor makes children the victim of a sex crime.

"View Tweet Activity"

OP, did you tweet this yourself? And then upload it here minutes later, without seeing if your followers like it or RT it first? Lol just wondering

177 points · 2 months ago

I know this is a little off topic but when I was in like eighth grade, I would meet my younger cousins at the library on Fridays for "Community Come-Together", when they would have an afternoon of activities based on a theme. On this particular Friday the theme was Dr. Seuss.

When I got there thought, I got a call from my auntie saying that my cousins couldn't make it on that day as she and my cousins were all pretty sick. So I'm left in this community centre packed with little kids, and am stuck there for at least an hour, until the next bus comes. Frustrated I sit down and noticed that there was a person in a large elephant costume running the activities today. Behind them "Horton Hears A Who" is playing on one of those retro roll-out-on-a-cart TVs. I settle in , begin eating some Wendy's I brought, and watch the movie.

About halfway through I begin to lose interest, and head off to a back room where I know they keep juice boxes and comics. Once I entered though, I see the person in the Horton outfit, sitting on a chair - still in full costume. They nod to show they acknowledged me, but dont say a word.

I sit down, grab a drink, and begin reading.

A few minutes later, I pop one of those awkward rando-boners. I try and discretely cover it, but it doesn't escape the eye of Horton. Silently they got up, and despite my protests, slid my shorts off and proceeded to pleasure me with that linty, fabric, costume mouth, frozen in smile. Once I powered through the rugburn, I deposited my wispy pre-pubescent seed in its mouth, to my muffled moans.

I came, then came to my senses, as I shamefully re-did my pants and ran out of that library.

Two months ago, I was helping my aunt clear out her basement for a garage sale, when I saw the costume. Horton.

There was no mistaking the shape, lint, and yes - the tell tale stain.

As I turned around in disbelief, my aunt appeared at my shoulder. She laughed, sensing my horror.

She whispered: "Don't cry because its over- smiled because it happened."

                     Signed, Horton
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Original Poster26 points · 2 months ago

WTF

Front page is inevitable for this

Change nothing and behave exactly the same, do everything exactly the same.

By changing to become more aggressive or assertive even though you don't feel it's appropriate, you'd be proving their point.

In addition, by maintaining your identity exactly as it is, you're proving to yourself that there's no way you're a pushover, you are in fact stable as a rock.

I like to use my throwaway account to troll The_Donald or any of the other annoying alt-right/incel-centric subs.

I'll admit I spend an hour or 2 every week when I'm bored to do this and as embarrassing as it may sound it's incredibly entertaining.

Definitely something you have to do alone without anyone in real life knowing.

44 points · 3 months ago · edited 3 months ago

My best friend and I were ubiquitously known all around town as the quintessential example of best friends.. We shared the same locker all 4 years of high school. You get the point.

So 2 years after high school, I was struggling to choose between 2 girls I had feelings for. I didn't wanna cheat on either one, I was trying to be noble and keep myself honest. Girl 1 was an outgoing NYC born Italian firecracker 2 years younger than me and Girl 2 was an introverted French born artist 2 years older. Both were beautiful and it was impossible to choose. I confided in my friend about this dilemma, and he didn't have an opinion either way.

I ended up choosing Girl 1, and coming clean with Girl 2 that I was going to start seeing someone else. It broke my heart to stop seeing her. She felt awful about herself and she ultimately moved back home to France because she felt so alone here in America. . So I'm together with Girl 1 for about 11 months. It was a nightmare. She was legit insane and manipulated me non stop for no reason. Stories that would make you cringe for how stupid I was to put myself through all that.

After the final straw, I figured it was time to end this and move on. So I dump her very delicately and it blows up in my face. She ends up confessing to all these fucked up thoughts she has about me trying to hurt me. But then finally, she smiles, and she tells me: "Well I fucked your best friend, and EVERYBODY ELSE HAS KNOWN THIS WHOLE TIME" .......

I brushed it off like "okay whatever sure you did." And then I left and called my best friend. No answer. Then I call another. He picks up and I ask him what she meant. And his silence was deafening. When he eventually speaks he says "look we didn't know how to tell you." I'm freaking out like "hold up when did this happen" and I find out that he fucked her 2 weeks before I started dating her. I was furious.

So the day I asked him for his opinion which girl to be with he'd basically fucked her 10 days prior. The real kicker was that this whole time EVERYBODY knew. My entire relationship with her felt like 1 big prank. My best friend let me make a horrible decision when he could've saved me 11 months of my life. All my friends betrayed me by being complicit. The entire town was complicit and watched me put up with this nightmare relationship.

All I could think about is Girl 2. It's been 5 years since this happened and, I admit I STILL think of her. I imagine a parallel universe where me and Girl 2 are raising our kids together in Paris. I'm a professor at the local university, she's a famous artist. Life is sublime. [sigh] If only I knew then what I know now...

TL;dr- I couldn't choose between 2 girls. The one I chose was a nightmare , then I find out my best friend had sex with her 2 weeks before, and everyone else knew about it. So I chose the wrong girl and my best friend could've told me.

Not weird now that I'm an adult. But very weird as a kid.

When I was 15, my sister was 17, and she drove us to a cemetery at night to visit someone we know buried there. On the way was only 1 other car on the road right in front of us. And he pulled into the same cemetery as us. Then we pulled in. Inside was a man who appeared to be grieving with his head leaned back and his eyes closed. All of a sudden a woman's mouth appears to rise out of his lap and she wipes her lips with the back of her palm. He wasn't grieving at all he was having an orgasm.

So yeah, Im 25 now. I can't imagine there will ever be a scenario where I'm unwittingly traumatized by a man's orgasm with my sister right next to me. You can see why it's weird. If I was alone , or with my friends , it's funny. But alone with my sister, ugh. We didn't speak to each other for a week.

I'm a very confident person with a job that has me in the spotlight in front of hundreds of people all night long. So when I meet people outside of work, and they seem chill, I don't wanna scare them off. I like to give the impression that I'm normal, and therefore not a threat. So I use the limp handshake as a gambit.

Honestly I've started using social media more as a way to document all the shit I do, in case one day my grandkids wanna know what kinda guy I was. It's gotten me like 4k followers and a lot of my tweets made it on Worldstar or Men's Humor.

I'll write comedy, draw portraits, progress in yoga, make healthy food, run around with my dog at the park, hike the sunrise, go book browsing, etc. Keep in mind I'll take a fun photo or video and put it up on my insta and snap story. Which thousands of new friends view every single day, and often comment about.

A lot of these things I'll do on Friday or Saturday nights, if I know I'm not going out getting hammered with my friends. I'll meet women at Barnes & Noble 9pm Saturday nights, or when I'm at the dog park. It's a really cheap way to meet women sober.

When you're constantly making excuses for every mistake or flaw they make until it exhausts you so much you feel defeated and realize even if they're the worst you still want them forever and ever.

I'm too old to understand that joke.

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She's the "youngest flex of the century. It's lil Tay. Got more money than your grandma."

her words, not mine.

u/bluntzenburner
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29,370
Cake day
May 6, 2018
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