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Original Poster2 points · 2 months ago

When I had very few responses on here, I decided that I was going to make my own sub Reddit for the partners. There is so little peer support for us.

I agree reading about what it is like for the survivors is helpful for understanding and for helping those survivors. However, being a partner is hard in its own way. IMO we are not here to purely support the survivor, we have our own needs which also need to be met. Many of us have not had the easiest backgrounds ourselves either.

Also, not every survivor had BPD, and I'm not happy with that level being essential for getting support. I have a little experience in this field professionally.

When I get the Reddit set up I will post here with the details. I hope we can create a bit of a community.

If you are a partner and are interested, please comment here, give suggestions and also just shout out to let us know you are around.

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I would be interested in this group. I am currently in a relationship with a male survivor of CSA- and although there are some books about women survivors of CSA, there is not so much about male survivors. There are complicated issues involved in this relationship that I have not encountered before and I would like to proceed carefully. Thanks in advance

Original Poster1 point · 5 days ago

So you’re saying give it a chance? Or no lol my experience is always instant- but I’m wondering if I shouldn’t always expect that?

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Sometimes that zoowy feeling when you first meet someone can be your complexes firing off. The complexes that attracts you to the wrong sort of person. I had relationship with very little beginning zoowy feeling, but a genuine friendship develops. SO, yes, I would say give a few more dates, be open-minded.

Original Poster1 point · 5 days ago

Friendship? That doesn’t sound exciting lol. I’ve heard the thing about it setting your complexes off and I have to say... I don’t really buy it. I think it’s something people say in hindsight when the relationship fails.

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Don't you need the relationship to be a friendship too? I've never had a relationship with someone I was not able to be friends with as well. Maybe I'm just weird.

AS for complexes- I've heard people say this and they are hyper-aware of having that feeling now that they have had flings/ failed relationships that had lots of chemistry and very little in the common interest/ shared values department.

two different plants

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I'm not sure it's two different plants- here's another image of Silene acaulis https://gobotany.newenglandwild.org/species/silene/acaulis/

I am. I've seen Silene acaulis in person in NH and the Rocky Mountains. It has short leaves with points on the end, forming cushiony mats in windswept arctic/alpine tundra. It does not have blunt spatulate leaves.

The flowers here are an Epilobium sp.

The moss appears to be some kind of moss.

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ok- you've convinced me. Kind of hard to see the moss as the leaves look succulent, but I think it's a focus issue.

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Unfortunately, fair or not fair, society has rules. One of society's rues is that you can't do stuff like that with a woman while you have a girlfriend. Your girlfriend probably just acted cool in the beginning because she was like WTF and didn't even know what to say.

Can you have a platonic night out? Of course. But society's rules don't allow it. You fucked up.

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Where is this rule book? I've never seen it, nor is it an issue with my social group.

Original Poster7 points · 23 days ago

I just don't see why a guy in a relationship can't have female friends. There is nothing wrong with that fact.

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There is nothing wrong with anyone people friends with someone of the opposite sex. I have many males friends, I expect my bf to be able to be friends with women. In fact, I would be suspicious if a person could not be opposite-sex friends. I have never been able to understand how it is an issue.

Brief lead up to our date.

The gist of the earlier post is that while I go on a number of dates with some potentially wonderful people, only about one a year seems to click. This is one of those times.

My date with (Sara) went well, there was an understated chemistry that I hadn't experienced in quite some time. Our shared interests were evident and despite her admitted shyness, dinner went for over an hour and a half. One of the several things we connected over was that neither of us are particularly motivated by money; she works at a church and I work for a local government. However, the only way to reveal your religious preferences on Tinder is to type them into your profile and neither of us did.

This is where it gets potentially complicated.

We exchanged post-date texts and decided we wanted to see each other again. The next day she asks if I'm a religious person and my heart sank because I knew what was coming next. I told her that I was not a religious person, though I had gone to church for 10 years, and said that I hoped it wasn't a dealbreaker. She wrote back that it was but did so in a very kind way so I wasn't turned off to the conversation. We traded a few more texts, and she lamented that this has been the story of her dating life for the last three years. I didn't process that comment at the time and the exchange could have ended there.

But later that night I was thinking about her comment and couldn't put it into context of our conversation. On top of that I was thinking that here I was again with someone who seemed much more of a match than anyone I'd gone out with since last year and she was going to slip away. At first I thought to just leave it and move on to the next one but that's what I always do. Why, I asked myself, if this person is that once-every-year find, am I giving up so easily? We hadn't discussed religion at any point except for a couple of texts and of all the topics, that's not the one you try and discuss by text message.

I messaged asking what she meant about her last three years of dating because I was genuinely curious but also because we hadn't really ended the earlier texting conversation. I didn't want to pull an /r/niceguys so I made it clear I wouldn't be offended if she didn't respond, but she did. She said she was upset because she would meet a guy she liked and then something would cause it to not work. So even though she wanted to see me again, she felt she couldn't date an atheist. I replied that we should be sure our definitions of atheist match. I live in a religious-conservative state and this is not the first time this has happened but this was the first time I cared enough to try and make it work.

She appreciated the effort and asked if we could get together Saturday night. We've had a couple of nice text exchanges today and working out where we will go.

My feelings about organized religion aren't exactly positive but I'm an atheist because I don't care about religion at all, not because of some theological disagreement. I know first hand that relationships can be successful, even with religious differences if both sides are empathic, which I believe we are. I know what I --what we-- are up against if we want to give this is a go so I don't take this lightly. And I'm prepared for the day or two of feeling bummed if it doesn't work out. She seems worth it, though. She really does.

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I hope you can work it out somehow. Maybe having those different religious points of view can be worked in to a positive? Or maybe you can find points where you both agree in religious/ spiritual ideas and work with making it a solid connection. I'm just glad this has never been an issue I personally had to face.

She cancelled yesterday which I suspected may happen; she said she went to doc yesterday and her prescribed medication (leaving details vague on purpose) means she needs to stay close to, or at, home for the next couple weeks. Sounds perfectly reasonable, right? Smfh. Well, whether she is sincere or not, aside from the nebulous "maybe we can get together in a few weeks", she didn't offer any specifics which is clearly signaling lack of interest. I replied that I hoped to hear from her in the future but wasn't expecting that I would, so no pressure and signed off. Religion is likely the cause of her bailing; I got the sense she is so deeply involved in the church that dating me could cause some serious conflicts with people she knows. Religious Conservatives rule politics and culture in my state so this is nothing new but yet again it seems that my willingness to accept their beliefs doesn't translate into them accepting mine.

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sigh. Yes, Religious conservatives, or any dogmatic groups, have that roadblock- their dogmatism. I guess it is the (metaphoric) book they all buy into and leaves very little room for ideas or beliefs that may conflict with what is in that book. I have no idea of how to work around that. I guess that is why I moved so very far away from my rather conservative hometown.

Good luck~

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One value, which I never knew was important to until I dated someone who did not have it: imagination. Being with someone with a low to no imagination will drive me crazy in a million little ways.

The downside is there is no metric in finding out if someone has imagination unless you spend some amount of time with that person.

As for other values, I think I can live with as long as the person is intellectual open/curious, compassionate, & responsible.

what is this red button ...you speak of?

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Thanks for the clue- that's like all my relationships 😞

6 points · 18 days ago · edited 18 days ago

Most: Japantown. only 3 in the country, and we got the biggest. full of history and unique architecture not found in many other places around here. good food and friendly atmosphere.

least: Treasure Island. because it's so hard to get to and there's very little to do most days.

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Agreed with Japantown!

I think it’s actually Outside Lands. That’s where the music festival got its name.

Outerlands is the overpriced hipster brunch spot.

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YEs, you are right- my mistake- it is Outside lands, I guess I have brunch on my mind....

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Can you change your attachment style?

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yes, I've been avoidant with anxious partners most of my life. Now I'm dating someone who is much more avoidant and it has made me a little anxious. But having dealt with anxious types, I've made myself not to do those things that make avoidants want to run and I am now also enjoying the space I've always had to fight for and feel guilty for wanting. But it takes a lots of thought and holding off on reacting- sometimes I am not successful.

This thread makes me wonder if I need a PhD is psychology before I get back in the dating pool, I mean it wouldn't hurt.

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Actually from this dating business I have discovered a new hobby: Self Help books on audio! None of them are perfect, but I always learn something.

Yay! Glad it got worked out and long live rock & roll...or jazz.. or bossa nova or all 🎶🎵🎶🎵 really.

7 points · 20 days ago

I would have an issue with the after hours partying with random women part.

Huh? Even before it got to the inviting them to stay over. You're arguing the wrong damn thing.

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They were musicians and probably been touring. I think inviting musicians over after a concert and letting them stay at your house if you have the space for it does not sound unsavory or problematic. I guess it would be hard to understand if you have not had musician friends or have not been a touring musician yourself.

Male musician (metal) that's currently on tour.

If you're on tour and did not schedule a place (cheap motel would suffice) to stay for your next gig, then that's on you for your complete incompetence at planning and you deserve to sleep outside with the animals.

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yes, of course- you're right 👻

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Original Poster3 points · 20 days ago

Sorry, the link broke, here it is: https://imgur.com/a/p8Hwo3F

I need help finding a new favorite animal, and my current is a wombat. I think I can do better though.

If you know of any interesting creatures with strange features or cool abilities, etc., please tell me!

Thanks :)

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Aardwolf?

Thanks for sharing this! I've always found the lives of the associated surrealists very fascinating and since Gala had been involved with a few of them, she was quite a cypher.

It also helps to realize it's not about you.

There are many opportunities for alignment and dissonance in life. A date saying no to a further date either didn't find enough alignment or found too much dissonance. And that's okay!

As you get better at picking out what you're looking for you may find that your dates no longer find dissonance (which is also okay) but instead fall into patterns of "no spark."

Far more people will be "not for you" than will be your person. And there's nothing wrong with that.

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Yes, thank you for making this clear~

Original Poster3 points · 21 days ago

I agree 100%. I deal with anxiety as well and, like you kind of touched on, being cognitive of reality is important. As you pointed out, I also don't think she has control over it at all. I'm going to point it out and tell her it's not the illness but the behavior that is going to push me away.

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Did you have a chance to talk to her? I also think it would be good to point ho her comments make you feel. Sometimes insecure/ anxious people get so focussed on how they feel that forget to recognize how their reactions affect other's feelings. Anyway, as you said previously,t he relationship is still new- I hope you can nip this glitch in the bud and move forward in becoming closer.

I like your response. I also wonder if she might have abandonment issues. As in, she fears abandonment and pushes people away before they can abandon her first.

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yup- I recognize this. She gives these messages as an "out" for the OP, but also as a test.

Original Poster1 point · 21 days ago · edited 21 days ago

Wow that’s quite bitter but I don’t mind since you don’t know me! Why on earth would I go on a date with the intention to be unpleasant? We actually ended up having a good time but the attraction just wasn’t there for me. Somehow that’s a crime? I wrote this in another response but the guy was actually telling a story about a tinder date who turned up with a few extra pounds compared to her photos, and it made him want to leave in the first 15 mins. There was no mention of any other reason for wanting to leave so he rejected her purely based on a lack of physical attraction. At least I gave it a chance despite my bias. Somehow I don’t feel so shallow after all.

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Hey, you're meeting him and recognizing you may have jumped to some conclusions and keeping an open mind about him. What more can anyone ask really? I hope the date is fun, at least!

Super yay!! 🦋🦋🌈

Original Poster1 point · 21 days ago

Well the thing was, I wasn't pursuing her. She has been reaching out to me. I'm just wondering if I should even respond.

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If she's reaching out to you and you have nothing better to do- why not? Have fun, expect little. Make her buy the drinks. I would do it.

Honestly, I would just line the bin with newspapers or use a paper bag. Compostable bags tend to melt if you leave them in more than a few days or if any of the compost is wet.

Lmao where's the do not ingest bot?

But seriously I thought sumac was poisonous?

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I thought the same re; the bot- must be taking a little break

People really do this shit?

I mean, I wear a hat...but I wear a hat like all of the time...and I am not bald, I keep a short haircut because I am grey AF and don't feel like dying my hair every month.

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Some people think that grey AF is hot AF....just saying

98 points · 25 days ago
  • Fishfishing: Holding a large fish in your picture to show how outdoorsy and adventurous you are.
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Fishfishing is the only accepting fishing unless it's wishfishing.

Original Poster116 points · 26 days ago · edited 26 days ago

Don’t worry, it’s her “job” to point out people’s flaws and “make them accept them”

http://imgur.com/a/3a7uFT2

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Wow! I hope you ran away and quickly -

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