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esbforever 28 points

You are a good writer and you have value. You’ve taken an important step, taking full account of where you are and responsibility for the errors which got you here.

All three options you listed are viable - and honestly better than most in your situation might have. I cannot help you choose which is right for you, but I do hope you continue on this path. You seem bright and will have a lot to offer the world. Good luck, stranger. I am rooting for you.

ldamien65 15 points

Wow thank you. You made me feel a bit better about myself to be honest. I'm very self critical and reading your comment is a nice change from having to constantly hear my mothers remarks in which I'm a fuck up and a disgraceful drug addict. So thank you for that. I'm not sure why you got down voted but I'm glad that I read your reply.

izzybee03 50 points

Okay, firstly, try to fix your formatting, cause that is super difficult to read the way it is. There's also a ton of unnecessary information.

Secondly, you might be better off in /r/relationships for this issue, but if you're genuinely looking for some financial advice then here you go:

  1. Find an organization in your area that helps the homeless. In my area we have a men's shelter and women's shelter. Both provide a roof over your head and a soup kitchen, and both have employment counselors to help you print resumes, get work clothes, etc.

  2. STOP USING DRUGS. I know this is easier said than done, but find resources through the shelter/organization to get you back on the right track. If you want to get yourself out of this situation, you need to stop using. Your entire section about how if your drug use persists has completely removed any blame. You act as if it's just bound to continue. STOP LETTING IT CONTINUE. You have a choice here, and that choice is between being a homeless drug user who scrapes by on spare change, and being someone who gets past the drug use and makes something of themself.

  3. Start trying to find a job. You cannot afford to be picky, and you cannot use the money earned at that job for things like drugs. It has to be used for necessities like a place to live and food.

Once you've done these things, and you're back on your feet, you can re-assess your personal finances and come back here for additional help.

Edit: on point #2, if the half-way house is your best bet at getting sober, then, yes, you should be living there.

ldamien65 3 points

Yes, I'll correct the formatting. And thanks for your reply. I am completely willing to change and plan to work the NA program once I leave the residential facility. I will make an attempt to really persevere through it this time because I don't exactly posses what you would call a strong sense of tenacity. But I will do my best to improve on it once I figure out my living arrangements.

CovertSec 3 points

There are treatment centers in the US. This doesn't make sense.

But anyways, I would go to the US embassy in Thailand and explain your situation. That is absolutely the best place to go.

ldamien65 2 points

Insurance wouldn't cover it. And yeah I'm gonna talk this over with my counselors.

9welkzie98sdu 11 points

Why are you in Thailand? What country are you a resident of? Your parents are legally responsible for you until you are 18 years old.

ldamien65 2 points

I'm a US citizen and I'm my treatment center is located in Thailand

TomSwirly 5 points

Intention is important, but actions are significantly more important than that. As long as you are trying to do the right thing, your motives for doing so are less important.

Examining your motives has value, don't get me wrong. But don't get caught up in it or you'll keep second-guessing yourself forever.

Consider that if you wanted to do bad things, you could easily find a peer group who would give you approval for it - as we have seen in the last year there are about a hundred million Americans who seem to get great pleasure in harming others.

Also - there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking acceptance from others as long as you don't do it in a pathological way! We are a group species, not a solitary one. A person who really doesn't care about acceptance from others is basically a sociopath.

Like so many people in this group, you seem like a thoughtful and compassionate person who questions many things. I think you should change none of that - keep up the good work! - but simply don't be so hard on yourself because your motivations for doing the right thing are complex.

ldamien65 2 points

Thank you for that. I really needed the support and reassurance to keep going. I have a tendency to give up on thing once they become too complicated but I need that extra push. Grateful for your reply.

mergingrealities 3 points

I think you contradict yourself in two important places. First, you say that you are enjoying engaging in spiritual exploration, and your motives seem to be to satisfy a personal desire. Then you wonder if it's all just a mask for wanting to be loved.

(in my mind attention is like a softer form of love and approval is somewhere in between. I think this is what could be exploited due to social media. We want love but we don't find it, so we want praise and failing that we accept attention [views, likes, etc.])

In some ways my writing this is a hollow attempt to get something close to love. However, it is also an attempt at dialogue, which somehow seems . . . cleaner? Maybe it's pop cultures disdain for desperation that colors this and fucks with our desires to feel loved. I also think shit like r/gonewild has the potential to exploit women who are starved for love so they do some shit they might regret later. I'm sure that's sexist and antiquated, but I fucking hate the amount of porn on this site. It's so fucking weird, when I first started watching porn it was all chicks in their late 20s and early 30s, like old enough to make the life choice to get into the adult film industry. Now it's all fucking 19 year olds. I realized that the other day, and thought about how fucking weird it is. Like, I used to fantasize about adult women, now that I'm an adult I'm supposed to want teenagers? WTF.

Sorry for the tangents. In my opinion (without knowing you beyond this post) your first instinct that the source of your motivation was self-generated makes more sense. I mean, you'd have to have been subconsciously lying to yourself for months if your true motive was love from others. I think you just realized giving people love would benefit them, and that would be a side effect of pursuing this stuff.

The other contradiction was that at the beginning of the post you felt like you made a lot of progress, but later in the post you criticize your work ethic and indicate you are dealing with problems with your self-esteem.

To figure out which is closer to the truth I ask you conduct a thought experiment. So, taken that awareness only deepens through truth: when you have these feelings of doubt do they come from a string of thoughts that are the product of concrete Truth train of thought? Or is it from a vague assertion that produces an ability to ruminate on paranoia and assumptions that goes so deep you've forgotten that it's based in a leap of faith? So next time a negative thought arises, follow it backwards and see if it's a concrete assessment and if so note somewhere the thing that needs to be improved and be as specifically as possible. It might even end up being something you have no desire to change about yourself.

On the other hand, next time you feel proud (fuck Christians, pride is a good emotion) is it something that randomly followed from nowhere or was it the result of accomplishment?

This is gonna sound lame, but have you been smoking a lot of pot recently? I smoked a lot of pot over a number of months and I basically ran out of things that were making me self-conscious and started inventing new issues. Being very introspective has it's downsides, I'm definitely permanently changed by being paranoid while high so many times. I haven't smoked in a long time, but my sober state is different from what it was before I smoked. Now I have to mentally note when I am feeling paranoid, realize it's baseless and push on.

Also, Mindfulness in plain english, Prometheus Rising, and Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha were all books I found very interesting. Mastering is free online by the author, to be honest I bailed about halfway through, beginning is really fascinating though. And if Buddhism is something of interest to you remember it's called the Middle Way for a reason, you don't need to be so hard on yourself man.

Sorry for saying so much, I felt compelled to comment because I felt we are fairly "like-minded" about this sort of stuff. Let me know if there's something I need to expand or or explain better.

TL;DR: In my opinion, you are allowing a feeling of negativity to color your thoughts which lead to beliefs about yourself that are not true. I think the source of the negativity is your expectations of yourself. Oh, and let me know if I'm way off about social media. I'm fairly young but I can't fucking figure out why I would want to snapchat, or document every moment of my life on instagram or how to find people on kik. I'm not really good at face-2-face interaction either though so meh.

ldamien65 1 point

Hey, I definitely related to a lot of the things you said. I'm still trying to grasp what you meant by that experiment but I'll look more into it. And I actually smoked a shit ton of pot over the past 2 years as well as dabbled with acid, xanax, and mdma. Over the summer, I took it way overboard, smoked every single day, built up a crazy tolerance. Began using more xanax accompanied by the weed so I would actually feel high because weed just wouldn't do it anymore. Towards the end of the summer, I realized just how fucked it was all getting and I was practically on the verge of developing a physical dependency on xanax so I stopped it all and started exploring myself. I realized that I'm completely reliant on external sources to give me any sort of feeling of happiness, no matter what they were, drugs, girls, food, tv. Anything that could relieve me of my current thoughts and feelings and provide a temporary escape. So I began doing soul searching and got really involved but the self-loathing is still there. It'll probably take a long time to figure out but I hope I'm heading towards it. And I do tend to contradict myself a lot. I'm beginning to realize that too much self reflection can become daunting and is ultimately more detrimental to your progress than it is beneficial so I should probably try to suppress it a bit. But yeah I'm sure we're very alike, otherwise you wouldn't have commented on here. But thanks for replying.

wtffellification 2 points

I may be doing it for the wrong reasons.

Sounds like you're just realising that deep within ourselves (you know, the place that many spiritual seekers are searching for) there's a whole bunch of shit and egotism (among other things) and there seems to be no end to it.

It's good that you're realising this. Because now you are actually getting a chance to realise where you don't have to be all egoistical and shitty.

you are delusional, for sure. but we all are, and not all of us like to know it. and especially, not all of us like to think that some delusions we need to stick with and commit to, with our whole being, in only ways we deem possible, ASAP; otherwise they will eat us alive.

"If you think along the lines of Nature then you think properly."

ldamien65 2 points

Yeah that's very accurate to my experience. It just seems like ego is at the center of everything and associated with every single endeavor I ever set out to accomplish. Even in an attempt to overcome it, it still has it's ties. It's quite baffling really and fucks with my head too much.

ldamien65 commented on a post in r/Psychonaut
CalebEWrites 4 points

Get Modern Man in Search of a Soul on Audible. Really easy to digest while you're driving, working out, etc.

ldamien65 2 points

The Celestine Prophecy is also a great read. Really helped expand my horizons. Converted me from a skeptic to a faithful believer.

neinei876 2 points

I don't know if anyone can change your mind but I've been able to manifest some pretty amazing stuff with it when I'm deliberately using it.

ldamien65 1 point

You mind giving a few brief examples?

Joe_DeGrasse_Sagan 2 points

Fair enough. You’re free to believe whatever you feel is most appropriate for yourself. Law of Attraction works one way or another. If you want to believe in an external God that guides your way then it will be so.

ldamien65 1 point

Thanks for understanding.

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SoulTheorist 2 points

Nik is gei ;)

ldamien65 1 point

How did u even find this?

SoulTheorist 1 point

Magick ;) You linked me you dope haha

ldamien65 2 points

Oh yea. And did u seriously just say magick? Gtfo

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QuietKat87 2 points

I think the major thing you need to let go of is your fear of failure.

Failure is not the end of the world, even though it may seem like it at the time.

We can fall, but we can also get up. I've seen so many people, and I myself have come up from failure. We all make mistakes, and seldom are those mistakes life and death in regular life.

So in pretty much most cases of failure, there is a way to come back from it.

Try to frame any mistake you make or any fear you may have as just being a learning curve.

Try to remember a time when you were a kid and you were learning something for the first time. You didn't get it right at the first time, you had to try and try and practice until you got it right.

This is what you have to do in life.

Cut yourself some slack, realize that no one is keeping score (except you!).

It's okay to relax the standards you hold yourself too. It doesn't mean you can't still be successful. But there is more to life than being more intelligent than other people.

You have to find joy in your life in other things as well.

It's okay to be smart. But obviously it's not making you happy to be fixated on it.

You are 17 years old, you have plenty of time to take some twists and turns in life.

So try not to fret so much if things don't work out exactly how you want them. There is always a path to where you want to go. It just may be different than you originally envisioned it :)

ldamien65 2 points

Thank you for that.

ldamien65 commented on a post in r/DecidingToBeBetter
tinmmayer 3 points

Absolutely! This was also the book that changed my life. But before it there was another one - Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life by Larry Winget. In my case, this was the one that helped me grow up and escape the “everybody else is to blame for my life” mindset. I recommend it to anybody who feels stuck.

ldamien65 3 points

Great choices. Similar to that would be The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. It really emphasizes the mentality that must be gained through your search for contentment. Some of his arguments seemed a little contradictory (at least to me) but overall great book. If you're at all into spirituality/enlightenment based self help books, there's this amazing book called The Celestine Prophecy and it can be applied to all aspects of life as long as you're open minded towards what the author has to say. Gained many valuable insights through reading and it's quite possibly the most life changing book for me yet.

LegacyOfDawn 2 points

Got the Subtle art in my Audible wishlist,haven't gotten to it yet. Supposed to be a great book, looking forward to it. Celestine Prophecy was something I heard of many years ago from a friend who was quite religious. Discarded it back then as mumbo-jumbo, but now I'm inclined to atleast check it out. Thanks!

ldamien65 2 points

It's not a deeply religious book or associated with any specific domination but it does go in depth into many spiritual matters. It's mostly based around human relationships, the universe, and talks of a power greater than ourselves. It's like the adult version of The Alchemist but more mesmerizing.

Throwaway41790a 4 points

Sorry but she is wrong.. year is really change..some may lucky to get dream job so quickly and some may not luck to get dream job.

half jobs will hard to find some want to hire people with college.

What's about your path? to keep go to high school until graduate? I wish you have a best luck.

ldamien65 3 points

I was definitely planning to finish high school and hope to go to college but over the past year, everything really deviated from my initial expectations. I just don't know what exactly to do at this point but I really doubt I'm actually gonna drop out of high school.

ldamien65 commented on a post in r/AskReddit
ldamien65 3 points

At 16, I was already a huge stoner and threw a small little party of 40 ppl max from my school. This one girl from the grade above me shows up and she's infamous for being the stuck up, not-so-intelligent and moderately attractive female. My friends and I all threw in a bit of money and managed to buy an ounce to supply the whole party. I come into the kitchen and see this girl take a whole handful of our weed probably like 3-4 grams and stuff it in a half-finished Nutella container. As she began stirring it up with a spoon, I confronted her by asking what the fuck was she doing wasting my weed like that and she replies by saying she's making edibles. I give her a 3 minute lecture on how to properly make edibles, implying that it's a long process and it doesn't work like that. And I'm not entirely sure what she gained from it because when I came back in, I found the Nutella/weed container in the microwave with the clock running on at 56:45 secs. Automatic face palm.

ldamien65 commented on a post in r/books
spookyjess 2 points

That sounds exactly like what I'm into, I'll definitely check it out! Going to see if it's on Kindle

ldamien65 1 point

Yesssss, I'm always really happy when I turn someone on to that book. Majority of my friends didn't like it but their preconceived notions of the world/ego got in the way of truly contemplating over James Redfield's philosophy. However, my best friend who gave me that book as a present is the most spiritually awakened person I know, and he loved every page of it. Maybe that's why he's such a good friend of mine, a very empathetic and loving person. Please let me know if you chose to read it because I would love to discuss it over with you as you go along. There's just so much wisdom invested in it, there's hundreds of insights you could gain from it. Talking about it with my friend clarified a few things for me and helped me develop a deeper comprehension for certain matters. Anyways, just let me know your thoughts on it, I'd love to hear what you thought of it.

Thomas-Ringot 2 points

Hey you sold me on that book, I'm going to read it before the new year.

ldamien65 1 point

That's great to hear. I just ask you keep an open mind towards it and I'll guarantee you'll get a larger understanding of yourself and the world around you. If you don't mind, let me know your thoughts on it.

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ldamien65 commented on a post in r/Psychonaut
PlasticTurd 77 points

But in order to make that sort of money, I'd have to be lining the pockets of the system that's exploting the people I want to help in the first place. It's more of a conundrum than it might appear on face value.

ldamien65 1 point

Find your inner entrepreneurial spirit and combine the two. I'm in the process of becoming a counselor/therapist but I'm also interested in coding and plan to start freecodecamp sometime in the following year. My expectations may be a bit too high for myself (maybe even grandiose) but I do believe that I could do something along those lines. The reason I chose to study counseling is so I could help others while simultaneously profiting from doing so. There's nothing wrong with desiring wealth so long as you don't forsake your moral beliefs. Best of luck to you.

ldamien65 commented on a post in r/worldnews
2infinity_andbeyond 159 points

I was addicted to heroin for 3-4 years, and ironically the only way I managed to overcome the terrible withdrawls was by using meth -something I always swore id never do. I don't use any drugs now except hash and psychedelics, but I don't hate the other ones. It should still be people's choice IMO.

I knew exactly what I was getting into with those two drugs, and laws had absolutely nothing to do with my decisions. I also goto work everyday & would never hurt anyone. A lot of people live mostly normal lives while still using. They don't deserve to be locked in cages for their choices that don't harm anyone else.

ldamien65 4 points

Hi, I'm also a newly recovering addict and I'm constantly being told not to use any mind altering substance at all if I want to keep sober. Would you say that worked out differently for you? How long have you stayed off of meth and heroin and did you keep smoking weed throughout it all?

ronmusto 1 point

So personally weed is an addiction for me. I need to use it everyday or I just dont feel ok. I don't withdraw in the normal sense but I definitely don't feel ok. For most people it isnt that way. I may have a neurological problem that needs medication and weed is my answer but either way I need it to feel ok. You as a person need to understand how weed affects you. Can you use it occasionally (a few times a month) or are you using it significantly more than that (a few times a week) it's all about wether you feel like you use the drug as a tool or as a way to feel ok in my opinion. Now some people have disorders that need medication and if that's you you need to decided wether weed is the best medication for you specifically not anti e else.

ldamien65 1 point

No, I think weed is an addiction for me as well but I can't risk getting any type of mind altering medication for the sake me abusing it to get high. But yeah, I feel like it's best that I just stay completely sober from now on because I'll take anything you give me just to get high and escape reality whether it's opiates, weed, or even inhaling axe spray and eating shit tons of nutmeg. I can't handle my shit no matter what drug it is.

ldamien65 commented on a post in r/DecidingToBeBetter
potua 24 points

I'm not the original author, but I'll take a stab at it.

Non-attachment of arguments occurs when you separate yourself from your claim. When taking a side or claiming a stance, many people take it very personally, and this is being attached. The flaw here is that when someone refutes your statement, (because you are attached) you take the challenge to your statement as a personal attack. This is detrimental to your ability to grow and to communicate with others.

Being non-attached to an issue or argument is to be detached personally from a claim; that is, you make the stance or argument based on logic or reasoning. With this, when one argues with you, you can avoid doubling down due to personal defense, but rather just analyze your stance logically, without emotional attachment.

If you are wrong, practicing non-attachment means that you are not invested in the claim and are willing to let go to correct without the self infliction of being wrong in the first place. If you are right, you can communicate without the distraction of negative emotions.

I hope this helps.

ldamien65 1 point

Yeah sounds like ego plays a large part in that.

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