My mom is staying with us for the first time ever since we moved 5 years ago. I hadn't seen her since I had a stroke at 27 in February. Then tried to kill myself in may.
So now she's here and I have a physical therapist who is helping me lose weight. They're also my personal trainer.
Losing weight is a major priority. It's affecting my health. Type 2 diabetes. More asthma attacks. Discomfort. Etc.
Anyway. My AA buddies don't understand that I spend 2 hours at AA, 1.5-2 at gym, plus 45 min drive time. So by time I'm back, it's halfway through the day and my mom and husband think I just want out of the house which isn't the case.
So anyway my AA buddies are pissed and I think my sponsor has given up on me. I'm not okay.
There isn't a single person on Earth who feels how I do. I know this because this isn't how a person feels. This is nothing as other than anxiety and guilt.
I'm not anything.
I've been out of the Hospital one week. And never single day I've wanted to go back. Supposed to see a therapist when I got out but they've been busy.
I also have a lot of friends who are relying on me. So I wonder if I should go back to the hospital. I feel more stable than when I went in. But my mood keeps dropping really fast.
I just spent 2 weeks in a hospital mental health section. It was a great experience. I went because I had a plan for suicide. And then I tried to kill myself the 2nd day there.
Ive been diagnosed PTSD, Bipolar I, and now Borderline Personality Disorder.
And I keep wanting to cut as a reflex. I'm angry? Cut. I'm hungry but no food, cut. I'm anxious. Cut.
I haven't since being out of the hospital. But I feel I'm almost ready to hit a psychotic episode. I'm so dang scared of myself.
I just really want a therapist and I have to wait until Wednesday to find out who it is.
Should I go back? Or should I go to a 30day program about 2 hours from me.
I thought the hardest part was going to be in not having anyone over for a week. But I also had nobody to text or call or talk to. I'm in the middle of a med change and I feel so hopeless again. And I have to put myself in the hospital again. And it's so unfair to my husband who then has to deal with the house his job finances me and our dogs by himself. We don't really have a lot of friends or family because we live far from them.
I've been pushing this off for weeks. But I have to or I'm going to end up killing myself on an impulse. I'm scared for my family because they really need me and I can't be there.
My psych said lithium is a last resort medication due to side effects. I just started it and can tell immediately I feel zombie like. However, right now that's fine with me.
If this doesn't work, I go inpatient again. Leaving my husband to worry about bills, food, our dogs, etc all by himself.
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My psych just put me on lithium and said it's her last resort medication because of side effects.
If this doesn't work, we're going to have to try ECT. Or some other not completely conventional therapy.
She did say she won't make me do it but she suggests it may help.
I'm scared and nervous. If this med fails. I think I'm done. There'd be no hope left.