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Kids who get the perfect attendance award are either really lucky to have avoided being sick most of the year, or really unlucky to have parents that made them go to school even when they felt like shit. by Super-green-thing in Showerthoughts

[–]ambernoodle 3426 points3427 points  (0 children)

So deep story time. In hs I always wanted to win the perfect attendance award, but alas always got sick once a year and had to take a day or two off. While I sat seething in deep jealousy at graduation, they announced the names for the perfect attendance award. There was only one person from my class that achieved perfect attendance all 4 years of hs. It was a girl that was notorious for being a bit of a bully and had quite the reputation as being Mrs. Steal-your-man. While I begrudgingly clapped for the foe who had won the award I coveted, I heard one of the parents whisper "she looks like the kind of girl that wouldn't want to go home" and that changed everything for me. Some people try to get perfect attendance because their school life is so much better than their home life

Before the internet, nerds and fanboys were getting bullied. After the internet, nerds and fanboys became the bullies. by Animeking1108 in Showerthoughts

[–]MinimusOpus 3802 points3803 points  (0 children)

Empowering every person you meet is very hard, but it is a fantastic life sporting event. Try it!

You go into a retail location and BAM you can make their day. It is so easy! They are the low-lying fruit, really - nearly anything will cheer them up. You can do this with the checkouts at any grocery store too.

Next you try co-workers. You point out something they like about themselves, something devoid of any racial or sexual value and say 'that's kind of cool'. Use weak compliments otherwise people defensively dismiss them or believe you want something (???). If you find you are good at this, move up.

Find a manager. Find something that is going not-so-well and point out that there has been improvements. Point out it is because of some employee other than you and ask the manager if his management was responsible for this initiative? Use double-speak in this, they dig that stuff.

Try random people on the street. You must nod, one pull of the chin down (not two). People on the streets assume that anyone smiling is a danger to society. Be careful! You do not want to present as anyone that is a threat to social order. There are billions of humans about, you don't want to mess with social order.

You can get good at this. You will find yourself throwing fun comments to the guy ripping tickets at the theatre that make them smile (hard to do, these guys hear a lot of the same jokes). You will talk briefly the hot car model and point out that she has clever ideas and she will feel good about herself and she won't know why. You may stumble upon someone who supports some other political party than yours and nod and listen and tell them you see where they are coming from (and then politely change topic... somehow... this one is on the HARD level / not for beginners).

This blew my little mind, but you will find it is possible to make anyone, anywhere feel just a wee bit better at any time for no reason at all.

The only one keeping score is you. Take note of people that are easy, medium, and challenging to uplift. After a while you will notice that you can uplift yourself any time you like - you have stumbled upon a superpower.

When next someone suggests we are all assholes no matter what you do, suggest this odd sport, publicly. See what happens. Who knows?

Edit: synonym mistake, switched 'meat' for 'meet'. My goodness.

Edit again! So many thanks for all the love, the gold ('i am not worthy'), the warmth - and for reminding me that you all contain so much kindness, compassion and joy. Alas, i must sleep. My daughter calls! May you all be that lighthouse in the fogs of our crazy lives - it is probably great waterfront property.

Growing up is being able to eat Mcdonalds whenever you want, and then realizing why your parents didnt let you eat Mcdonalds whenever you wanted. by 31ghill in Showerthoughts

[–]Lost-My-Mind- 294 points295 points  (0 children)

WARNING: The following message is very real, and very graphic. I have not sugar coated anything, because it is meant to be a warning to all.

I worked 3rd shift at a low budget hotel for 6 years. One of the saddest days of my life was the time I came into work at 11:45pm. There were officers on the 3rd floor. Had the whole section taped off.

I was told I was needed on the 3rd floor to relocate any customers coming back from wherever, and trying to get to their room in a section of hallway that had been taped off. They couldn't get to their room. It was my job to basically escort them to their room to gather their belongings, and move to a different room on the 2nd floor.

Why was all this necessary? Because at 8pm a child had come to the lobby saying she couldn't wake her mom up. The staff before me, thought they could do what a child could not. So they go up to her room, and she still had a needle in her arm. This 10 year girl, being raised by a single mother, was now an orphan (or possibly got adopted by another family member. We really never got told how that part played out).

So as I'm standing on the 3rd floor, the EMS crew was already in the room, and was in the process of wheeling her out. I had to step aside as they wheeled a dead body past me.

When we finally got the clear from police to not have the hallway taped off, it was 2AM. So I finally come downstairs to my area behind the desk.

By 6am, a woman staying on the first floor came in crying saying she needed an ambulance. Her boyfriend was unresponsive. I called EMS, they were there within 5 minutes.

At 8am, my boss who left at 1am, walks in the door, and says "They're STILL dealing with the room on the 3rd floor?" I said "No. This is a new call from the first floor."

Turns out this woman was staying with a boyfriend and his two kids. Aged 3 and 2. She was not their mother. They were not married. As they load his dead body into the EMS, I heard her crying outside, talking to the boy and girl. She said "I need you to listen to me. I won't be able to see you anymore, so this is goodbye. I want you to be good kids, ok? Give me a hug."

They gave her a hug, and then she stood up. I realized she was in handcuffs, and that's why she didn't hug them back.

So within the span of about 8 hours, 3 children lost their parent, 2 people died, and 1 woman got arrested.

The two little kids went to live with their grandma, the mother of the now dead father. I assume that's where they still live today. This was maybe 3 years ago.

A week later on a day I didn't work, about 13 cop cars, 15 swat teams, and several FBI SUVs surrounded the hotel. I'm sure my co-workers are exaggerating, but this is what I was told. They had been watching one of our co-workers. He had been responsible for selling the heroin that killed both people in my story with laced heroin. They arrested him, and his girlfriend. I found out 3 months later that they both got 15 years in jail.

I am absolutely terrified of heroin, simply because it is designed to do two things.

1) Give your body pleasure in doses that is unattainable with any other method.


2) Kill you.

It might absolutely light your endorphins on the greatest pleasure spree your body has ever known, but it is also a highly addictive, and highly unstable drug. So much so that your tolerance levels are only built to handle heroin at one strength only.

Even something as simple as switching dealers, who get their product from a stronger or weaker source, could kill you, and before it does it will make every motivation within your entire existence revolve around that drug only.

Morals go out the window. Ethics go out the window. Your own personality goes out the window. Everything within your breath becomes nothing more then a means to obtain this drug.

Now for the scariest part of all. These addictions don't start from poverty, or on the streets. They start in hospitals. They start when a doctor makes more money by prescribing you opiates. Sometimes for things you don't need opiates as a medicine for, but he'll make extra money that way.

So now they're in your system, but your prescription runs out. The doctor legally can't sell you anymore. So you look into how to get more of your fix, and heroin is 97% identical as the drug you were taking, but only costs 20% the price. So that becomes your new replacement, aaaaaaaaand now you're a zombie. You're a living walking breathing zombie, who exists only to think about where they'll acquire the substance that will one day kill them.

Growing up is being able to eat Mcdonalds whenever you want, and then realizing why your parents didnt let you eat Mcdonalds whenever you wanted. by 31ghill in Showerthoughts

[–]StanFitch 4256 points4257 points  (0 children)

Dude, McChickens for days... I was basically homeless for about a year and a half when I was just out of high school. Graduated with great GPA and a perfect plan... then Grandpa sells our house right out from under us due to a fight with my mom. I’d just gotten Honorably Discharged from the Army, lost my friend in the Marines who’d signed on just before me, no place to go, ended up couch surfing for a while, slept in my car up the canyon for a bit, scrounged what change I could whenever I could, survived on granola bars and whatever my friends had in their pantry at any point. I was constantly hungry but too broken to function or fix myself.

One day, I finally get this job; $7.00/hour driving computer parts all over Utah. First paycheck I got I went straight to the bank then straight to McDonalds. One McChicken and a Large Fry.

I’ve never loved McDonalds more than I did that day.

Edit(s): 1 - Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger!!! (Can I use it to buy a McChicken?).

2 - This was nearly 20 years ago. I'm doing great these days. Thank you for all the support and pay it forward somewhere/somehow :)

3 - Lots of questions regarding the Military/Discharge. First, let me say I'm not the type to run around claiming I'm a Vet or Soldier or that I "Served". I certainly hope nothing came across that way but nobody seems bothered so far. The Men and Women serving this Country have my utmost love and respect and my 'Military History" was but a short, wild adventure that even I had a hard time keeping up with. Anyway, I'm happy to share, for anyone who cares... SO AWAY WE GOOOO!!!

The TL;DR was that I was in and out in less than six months. I saw some comments about a General Discharge? It's very possible it was just that. I just remember being told it was/would be Honorable. I remember it applying under something like "Pursuit of Further Education" as I had been accepted to the University of Utah the same year I signed on for the Army.

The ADVENTURE STORY is that I had received a Candidate Number to the U.S. Naval Academy in my Senior year of High School; I had a decent GPA, I was a Junior Olympic Bobsledder, had Senatorial Recommendations, toured the Campus at one point, had some people sort of guiding me through the process. My dream was to be an F/A-18 Pilot leading eventually to N.A.S.A. where I hoped to become a Shuttle Pilot. I figured if I wasn't smart enough to be one of the Scientist, I could at least fly the bastards around!!!

In the meantime, R.O.T.C. came in; I had originally signed on for the U.S. Marine Corps. before graduation and long before I had received a Candidate Number to the Naval Academy. I figured if Annapolis fell through I could serve a couple years and work up the other way. I did some overnight stays in a hotel, completed some weird testing, things were signed and dotted, and I was set to ship out in mid-June after I graduated, IIRC.

The Naval Academy situation took precedence at some point late in my Senior Year, however; They came back saying I wasn't accepted but I could/should complete at least one year at a Military Institute with potential to be accepted by either N.A.P.S. (Naval Academy Preparatory School) or the Naval Academy directly; Sort of a "Keep on truckin', we'll see how you look next year." kind of thing. So, I signed up for Marion Military Institute in Marion, Alabama... in the Summer... in the South... it was awful, haha. Anyway, this is where the Army got involved; I think it was mainly Scholarship Assistance or something of that nature that sold me and my family on the deal. The verbiage I remember is that the U.S. Army would "Buy My Contract" from the U.S. Marine Corps., I'd be theirs now, but I could/should continue with the Military Institute trajectory, again IIRC.

I flew to Marion, Alabama, had a couple weeks of Military Academy intro shit; Drill & Ceremony, PT, polishing things that weren't ever intended to shine, some light yelling, trumpets everywhere, things exploding from time to time. We then got bussed up to Fort Knox, Kentucky where I attended, what I perceived to be, a bit "Lighter" version of Basic Training; I believe it was R.O.T.C. Basic Camp 2000. It just seemed sort of... soft? Anyway, we still got gassed, yelled at, and thrown in the mud plenty so it definitely wasn't a vacation. After a couple months of that, we got bussed back to Marion to set up for the school year then we had a quick break to go visit family back home.

The discharge was basically due to a full-on meltdown I had coming back from that break, in the first few weeks of the school year. Having said that, it's possible they chalked it up to "Medical" as some people mentioned in the comments. Again, could be just a General Discharge but I honestly have no idea and I ran as far and as fast as I could: Basically, I found out my friend had been "Killed in Training" at/around Camp Lejeune while I was training at Fort Knox. I didn't find out until months later, my friends/family had kept it a secret for fear I would drop out of training... which, to be fair... is exactly what happened anyway. I missed the funeral, didn't even get a chance to feel anything before I flew back to Alabama. I knew something was wrong with me; I felt broken. I would mind-numbingly go through the motions during D&C, PT, etc. Couldn't remember anyone's name, also couldn't give a shit. I'd just cry all night, be in a fog all day. At some point people legitimately thought I was being hazed but didn't know who was/would be doing it, I was pulled in for a private meeting and that's when the discharge conversations started. They were surprisingly supportive through most of this process. I assumed they would fight tooth and nail to say "Nope, you're ours, buddy" but before I knew it I was home and just wondering "What now?"...

Basically, I remember being told it was/would be Honorable and I remember it relating to "Pursuit of Further Education". I had been accepted by a University I had previously applied to. Flew home, the rest was... the rest.

Starting today someone who was not even alive when 9/11 happened can go fight and die in the war that resulted from it by NordyNed in Showerthoughts

[–]SoMuchForSubtlety 608 points609 points  (0 children)

There was absolutely no way this clusterfuck would ever have a positive ending for the US. Even a surgical strike taking out Osama right after 9/11 would have resulted in a replacement leader and ongoing terrorist activity.

Instead, the second most incompetent administration of the modern era mishandled this war in a truly spectacular fashion. Somehow Cheney's cronies managed to take the one thing the US military does better than anyone on earth (logistics) and completely fuck it up. You had tons of men and materiel shipped to the wrong places or sitting uselessly while their roles were given to contractors with the lowest bids. You literally had pallets of cash in million-dollar bundles that were flown into unguarded warehouses where they promptly disappeared. Military waste and incompetence is legendary, but Dick and his buddies took it to previously-unimaginable heights. Fully half of the money spent in the first three years of that senseless war is completely unaccounted for.

The only thing that's been accomplished for sure is that Haliburton and its subsidiaries got incredibly rich while hundreds of thousands died, thousands were tortured, vast swathes of infrastructure were pointlessly destroyed and America's reputation was further tarnished while we created thousands of new terrorists with a (completely justified) burning hatred for America. It's hard to imagine how it could have been done worse.

Oh, and remember America: you re-elected the moron in charge during the middle of all this. Taken in context, Trump seems an inevitability.

The hardest part about fixing a technical issue with no experience is knowing how to phrase the Google search by PunkandCannonballer in Showerthoughts

[–]defragnz 1097 points1098 points  (0 children)

Dear Google,

It is with some regret on my part that I have not taken the time to communicate with you recently. Life has presented many challenges. Anyway, I hope that all is well with you and your family.

If it's not too much bother, and you have some time, could you please tell me why my LAN is working but my WiFi is not working?

I eagerly anticipate your earliest reply.

Your colleague,


You have a better chance of robbing a bank successfully(~60%) than you do of winning the lottery(~1:175million or 5.71428571429E-7%), so in this case crime does pay. by RockabillyOx in Showerthoughts

[–]urteck 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Using those numbers, you would have to rob a bank 217 times (10M/46K). With a success rate of 60% per bank robbery, that comes out to

0.60217 = 7.2 x 10-47 % =


Which is way worse than 5.7 x 10-7 % or 1/175,000,000

The entire wait staff singing Happy Birthday to the customer is never a positive experience for either yet it shows no signs of slowing down by WATTHEBALL in Showerthoughts

[–]free_is_free76 5043 points5044 points  (0 children)

That's the crux. They delight in embarrassing their subject; they revel in the power they wield, to organize a multitude of servers to perform, to wrench free food from the restaurant, to cause uproar and cacophony amongst peace and pleasantry without rebuke; they bathe in the onlookers' stares and absorb the attention like a dry sponge dipped in wine.

These types will infest humanity throughout time to come, until the end of our species, and may be the harbingers of it.

Edit: Gilded! For the kind of high eloquence one produces while waiting in a Rite Aid parking lot for one's loved one. Thank You good stranger, kind stranger!

"Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader" was supposed to show how dumb adults are. But really what it showed was that the things 5th grades are learning have absolutely no value for adult life. by Preston1414 in Showerthoughts

[–]HookersForDahl2017 2731 points2732 points  (0 children)

I feel like that show was bullshit. The questions seemed harder than the stuff I got taught in 5th grade, but maybe I just smoked those memories away.

It's horribly unfair that loud snorers can sleep through their own snoring. by cloudcity in Showerthoughts

[–]hatuhsawl 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I appreciate you at least commenting this instead of just downvoting me.

edit: Let the record show this comment was gilded by u/GabeNewell1337 with the comment "I still downvoted you lol" and will henceforth forever be tagged on my reddit as "is a butthead"

and thanks for the gold, you butthead

It's horribly unfair that loud snorers can sleep through their own snoring. by cloudcity in Showerthoughts

[–]evenfromsweden 8238 points8239 points  (0 children)

If your farting wakes you it likely isn't the sound but the difficulty farting. Might want to get checked for fart apnea.

Since gorillas don't have access to any workout equipment, we've never seen one at full potential. by BigPlaq in Showerthoughts

[–]MH_John 58 points59 points  (0 children)

"The one on the left"

Jamie clicks the one on the left

"No, the other one"

Jamie hovers to the left again

"Not that one, go left"

Jamie goes 3 images to the right

"Yeah, that one"

Joe starts reading as we see the light bounce off his bald head

"M'kay so [he starts to regurgitate what the website he chose says, which doesn't go with the statement he just claimed to be factual]"

Guest says something, but Joe is preoccupied with the thought that he's been proven wrong

"Jamie, can you scroll up and tell me where that's from? ... Oh, no there was another site where I read [thing he claimed to be fact that got disproved]. Let me see if I can pull it up on my phone"

Guest doesn't know what to do

At a certain point in your life, sitting at home alone, watching TV on a Friday night goes from being super depressing to the most enjoyable part of your week. by JohannReddit in Showerthoughts

[–]Roland4343 1728 points1729 points  (0 children)

I have a 5 year old son and a 7 year old son. They still think I am better than Superman. I know it won't last forever but I'm enjoying their company more than I ever did going out with friends and partying.